You can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself

[Rane]

Early on in mine and Garnet's relationship, and then later on as well, I would get really upset, and argue for hours and hours over stupid little things. I would break up with her, only to a minute later apologize and ask her to forgive me. I felt like I was a monster, because during the times that I was breaking up with her, I felt no remorse, felt like I could live without her, like she was just weighing me down. And then it would end, I would love her as hugely as I always had, and break down into tears over what I'd said/done.

I felt disgusted with myself, that I was such a horrible person to have thought such things, and questioned whether I could ever really love like others do. I struggled with this at various points throughout our relationship, and it wasn't until only recently that I found out that the way I acted and the things I said was due to anxiety. Now after getting some help via some magical little pills, I've now come closer to feeling okay about myself, though I still can't forgive myself for saying hurtful things when my anxiety breaks through.

All that being said, when I wasn't struggling with anxiety, when it was just me and her, even with my regret of what I'd said, my loathing of what I'd done when my mind wasn't quite right, I knew that I loved her. There was never a fraction of a doubt in my mind that Garnet was the love of my life. So I believe that while learning to love yourself is important, you can still feel it for someone else while still learning to fully love yourself. And maybe if you do find someone you do love, they can help you along that journey.

[Swederica]

I partially agree with this cause Im sorta kinda havin this problem with my SO.
He has real issues when it comes to himself. He used to be beaten up at high school and people mostly always used him, and then if you have parents who tell you daily you're a dissapointment its really hard to love yourself and believe that you are really worth somethin. But then again I know he truely loves me. We had a few arguments about this cause he would break up cause I deserve somethin better than him and so on, but I explain to him every time that I love him just the way he is and no one will change that

Sounds a bit like me, not gonna lie.

[Angelieke~]

I would more say that my personal problem is "You can't believe someone loves you until you learn to love yourself"
I've realized that most of my trust issues and jealousness and everything is because i don't think i'm worthy her love so therefor i don't believe that she loves me.

I guess this fits to me too. Sometimes, when I'm very tired or had a bit of a bad day my fears and insecurities get to me. I start to overanalyze and overthink way too many things, ending up with the tought of: this is never going to work and I will only get hurt. Though, when I talk to my SO, most of the worries just fade away.

It's because of things that happened in the past and I'm scared of those things happening again.

Anyway, you gotta be comfertable with yourself, I think for any kind of happiness.
How you accomplish that, is something different for every person I think

[Silviar]

You know, if you're having that many problems with body acceptance, you could have a disorder that causes you to view your body badly. Have you talked with a psychologist? It may be worth it to get yourself on the right track.

[Mio]

I have self steem problems too. And I can definetly say that it affects my relationship to a certain extent, but now thanks to my lovely man, I am learning more and more to love myself. Is not an easy path thought.

[hellojamie]

I've noticed a lot of the comments on this thread are in regard to weight. I've struggled with it, other people have struggled with it, and I don't think anyone ever just "gets over it.'

I just wanted to share that two Christmases ago, I had a really bad break up, got really depressed, and ended up getting really sick. I lost a ton of weight- I dropped about 30 pounds in just a couple of weeks and dropped from a size 4 to a size 0- and the 0's weren't falling off of me, but they weren't too snug, either. Extra small tops just kind of hung on me. I looked awful. My friends would see me and ask what was wrong with me. My best friend walked up to me and literally said, "Oh my God I didn't recognize you." It was miserable. It sounds like a dream- skinny=beautiful=happy. But that just doesn't equate.

I was 100 pounds- this weird "ideal" number I'd always had in my head whenever I worked out. If I could just get down to 105, or 100, I'd be just like all the *hot* girls. Well, I got there, and I looked sickly and horrible. And you know what? My thighs were still the biggest part of me, I still didn't have a flat stomach. There is no magic number, no magic body. I managed to get well and get back to a healthy weight, but it took getting that sick for me to finally realize that my body is what it is. You should be healthy and happy with who you are. My mother blessed me with thighs disproportionately larger than my waist. Also, cellulite, and not really all that much in the breast department. And I've learned to be okay with that.

You will find someone who loves your body just the way it is, but you have to be comfortable with yourself, too. I know it's easier said than done, but I just wanted to share my experience with body-hate and my own road to being okay with what I see in the mirror.

[Rosebud]

You know, if you're having that many problems with body acceptance, you could have a disorder that causes you to view your body badly. Have you talked with a psychologist? It may be worth it to get yourself on the right track.

I did once try to speak with a professional about this about 10 years ago, but after a few sessions and realizing she was constantly changing the subject from what I was trying to tell her was bothering me, I decided not to see her anymore. To be honest that experince has made me wary of going to see one now when I'm sure they'll just be like everyone else and focus on the numbers that I give them in accordance to my body and not the actual problem that it's my literal figure I have such a problem with.

Hellojamie, your body type sounds very similar to my own-annoyingly large thighs and butt, an almost comically nipped in waist and breasts the size of a developing preteen. There's absolutey nothing that can be done to change this and your story proves exactly what I'm talking about. Sure, if I go to extremes I can finally lose those last few pounds and get down to my goal, but does that even matter if my general figure still remains the same, a dispropotionate 'pear'? For me, it's not about the number on the scale, it's about the silhouette I cast. I'm really glad you've gotten past that stage in your life though and your story is uplifting for me to read.

Thank you all so much for you responses and insight. It's good to know so many of you have learned to start the process of loving yourself with your SO's help. I'll be honest though, in a weird way, my bf has almost made me hate my body even more. Since he's never seen me in person, only via photos and whatnot, when he calls me sexy and beautiful, I feel like I'm lying to him through those images. He hasn't seen the real me yet and I fear when he does the discrepancy between real life and pictures is going to be huge. This makes me strive to want to change even more, so he's not disappointed with what he gets and I won't turn out to be an embarassment for him.

[Silviar]

I did once try to speak with a professional about this about 10 years ago, but after a few sessions and realizing she was constantly changing the subject from what I was trying to tell her was bothering me, I decided not to see her anymore. To be honest that experince has made me wary of going to see one now when I'm sure they'll just be like everyone else and focus on the numbers that I give them in accordance to my body and not the actual problem that it's my literal figure I have such a problem with.

I just wanted to say I'm terribly sorry for this experience, as that's not what should have happened. I know you're wary, but this clearly wasn't the right therapist to speak with. There are body image disorders which are exactly how you described, and I would highly recommend someone who specializes in body image disorders. They won't belittle you like that. Frankly, I'm a little horrified the therapist was so dumb.

Keep in mind that there are several different types of therapy as well, such as cognitive behavior modification, psychoanalysis, etc. I suspect the first person you spoke with was cognitive behavior.

No matter what, I hope you're able to resolve your differences in your mind so you're in a happy place and not constantly at odds with yourself over this. It's frustrating. I understand.

[valentinekitty]

I spent the last ten years of my life hating my body, until about two years ago. I was over weight and with a man who I knew found me disgusting. Since leaving that relationship, I have realised I was over weight as I thought, but I wasn't disgusting - that was all him. I always thought I had to be thin to be happy and now know I had it all back asswards - when I'm happy I'm my ideal weight - no 1 because I love myself and no 2 because I believe that I'm worth looking after, so I eat right and love being active. I am not a stick thing by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel sexy and gorgeous. And in the years since leaving my ex I have found a new partner - my long distance love - who adores me and thinks I am beautiful and never wastes an opportunity to tell me so. Is this because I lost weight, I don't think so, it's because I learnt that I am worth loving and now love me first, so I can pass the love on.

With great love,

Kitty
x

[Zephii]

The best advice I was ever given was "Fake it until you make it." Pretend something is true long enough and evenutally you'll believe it. Doesn't happen overnight though!

I don't really agree that a person needs to love themselves first. A good relationship can show you why you should love yourself, and should help you grow to be a better person whom you can like a little more.

[JoMarie]

Every person in the world has something they don't like about themselves. Men, woman, Children, Everyone. If you ask someone if they love EVERYTHING about themselves and they tell you yes, I really believe they are lying.

As far as how your SO sees you, I think its common to see someone you love differently than the rest of the world, therefor when my SO tells me he loves me just the way I am, I believe him.