Struggling to study with the stress

[Moon]

No, I have always talked about us both making sacrifices. Living in one country for a while and then moving to the others country. I was hoping for us both to get dual citizenship and then we could decide where we want to settle down together. But I have just been told there's no chance of him settling here..

But that plan is inherently flawed, once your child gets into school, you can't just keep pulling him/her out to move them into an entirely different system every few years, school systems between the US and Europe are very different, and it would be quite difficult for your child to have to try doing that, especially as they get into higher grades. I'm a mom, I know about these things

I'm not being mean to you, I'm trying to get you to look at your situation with a realistic perspective. When I was in my early 20's, before the internet as we know it existed, I had to give up someone who I thought could really be the love of my life, because I was east coast and he was west coast. It just wasn't going to work, with my daughter being so young. She was about 6-ish at the time, and I needed to stay here. I don't want to tell you your relationship can't work, because of course it can, but at what cost?

You might not like what I have to say, sorry about that, but it's very honest advice, from someone who's been there.

[Kitten_mittens]

Hmmm. Well first off, I plan to homeschool. Second many families move from country to country with kids, like ones in the military. And I also am more talking about when my son is in his later teens.
I'm not just talking about while he's young. I would like to keep him in a steady place while growing up. But when he's an adult, I don't know.. I simply do not want to commit to giving up living near my family my whole life. I have thought of the costs and consequences of moving about, trust me.

[differentcountries]

What are your so's reasons for never moving to the us?

[Kitten_mittens]

What are your so's reasons for never moving to the us?

I'm not sure.. After he said that I kind of closed off.. We will probably talk about it tomorrow. Nothing has changed in his life that I think would cause this sudden change of mind..

[Chris516]

Yeah, thanks for the back-handed compliment

Be thankful I agreed with you at all.

[Moon]

Be thankful I agreed with you at all.

Why in the world should I be thankful YOU agreed with me?

[Moon]

I'm not sure.. After he said that I kind of closed off.. We will probably talk about it tomorrow. Nothing has changed in his life that I think would cause this sudden change of mind..

He might just not be able to see himself away from his family or friends permanently. It's probably not sudden, he's probably been thinking about it for a while. How old is he? He might just not be at the point yet where he can break those ties, if he's still quite young. He might also have a very negative view of the US, you'd be surprised how many countries do, and can't imagine living here. Before you let your mind fill in the blanks for you, you'll have to find out what reason it is, and go from there. When were you hoping to move together? If it's still a couple of years away, there's a chance he'll change his mind still. You're in a tough situation, there aren't any easy answers, I'm afraid

[Kitten_mittens]

He might just not be able to see himself away from his family or friends permanently. It's probably not sudden, he's probably been thinking about it for a while. How old is he? He might just not be at the point yet where he can break those ties, if he's still quite young. He might also have a very negative view of the US, you'd be surprised how many countries do, and can't imagine living here. Before you let your mind fill in the blanks for you, you'll have to find out what reason it is, and go from there. When were you hoping to move together? If it's still a couple of years away, there's a chance he'll change his mind still. You're in a tough situation, there aren't any easy answers, I'm afraid

He is 27. So youngish. I know he does have negative views of the US but that's never stopped him before and he's said so much about not liking his country as well.. I was hoping he would move here within 2ish years while I'm still studying. As I'm stuck here for at least 5 more years.

[Moon]

He is 27. So youngish. I know he does have negative views of the US but that's never stopped him before and he's said so much about not liking his country as well.. I was hoping he would move here within 2ish years while I'm still studying. As I'm stuck here for at least 5 more years.

Well, if you think it's worth (or, he's worth) the risk, you can wait it out a while and see what happens. People can and do change their minds, given a little time to mature. If you're studying anyway, and can't go anywhere, and it doesn't work out, would you be OK with that? Some people look upon a failed relationship as a huge waste of time and they regret them, others learn from them and veiw it as just another stepping stone in life. It depends on where you stand on that, if you should take the risk, or not. At least in my opinion, anyway. It is harder when you're a single parent, because parents generally want more stability as much as possible, and are less likely t take a chance, but as long as you're the steady, reliable figure in your kid's life, they'll be OK if you take a chance or two.

[differentcountries]

I remembered now that you have not met in person. That means he has not seen in person your son, your family and places in the us that are important to you. One thing is having you talk about people and places, and Skype can be wonderfully detailed these days, still there is something about visiting that is hard to totally come by without being there. If he is to plan the next 15 years and two relocations with you it might be good for him to get a glimpse of what he would be relocating to.

[Kitten_mittens]

I remembered now that you have not met in person. That means he has not seen in person your son, your family and places in the us that are important to you. One thing is having you talk about people and places, and Skype can be wonderfully detailed these days, still there is something about visiting that is hard to totally come by without being there. If he is to plan the next 15 years and two relocations with you it might be good for him to get a glimpse of what he would be relocating to.

You have a very good point. Thank you so much. I guess it would only make sense if I at least wait for him to visit here and see how he feels afterwards.

[Kitten_mittens]

Well, if you think it's worth (or, he's worth) the risk, you can wait it out a while and see what happens. People can and do change their minds, given a little time to mature. If you're studying anyway, and can't go anywhere, and it doesn't work out, would you be OK with that? Some people look upon a failed relationship as a huge waste of time and they regret them, others learn from them and veiw it as just another stepping stone in life. It depends on where you stand on that, if you should take the risk, or not. At least in my opinion, anyway. It is harder when you're a single parent, because parents generally want more stability as much as possible, and are less likely t take a chance, but as long as you're the steady, reliable figure in your kid's life, they'll be OK if you take a chance or two.

Honestly I'm afraid of spending my time on a relationship that is doomed to fail.. Because I do have a son and I am ready to settle down for good and have a stable family. Otherwise it wouldn't be as big of a deal. This relationship is also taking a lot of effort to keep it going and it's stressful. So there's that on my mind as well. I don't want to go through all this for nothing, ya know?

But differentcountries made a great point. I'm feeling a little less upset now. I will just hope when he comes here it will give him a better idea of what he wants out of our future.

[Moon]

Honestly I'm afraid of spending my time on a relationship that is doomed to fail.. Because I do have a son and I am ready to settle down for good and have a stable family. Otherwise it wouldn't be as big of a deal. This relationship is also taking a lot of effort to keep it going and it's stressful. So there's that on my mind as well. I don't want to go through all this for nothing, ya know?

But differentcountries made a great point. I'm feeling a little less upset now. I will just hope when he comes here it will give him a better idea of what he wants out of our future.

I hadn't realized you haven't met yet, that changes things a little. differentcountries is right, perhaps after a visit or two, things will become more clear. It might be premature to worry about going CD before meeting, get that out of the way first, make sure you actually get along in person, see both places, then worry about it. I only say that because I'd never agree to live in a country I'd never been to, just in case I got there and realized I despise the place. Environment can affect your happiness a lot.

And yeah, I do know. I hope you can get it all sorted out.

[piratemama]

I hadn't realized you haven't met yet, that changes things a little. differentcountries is right, perhaps after a visit or two, things will become more clear. It might be premature to worry about going CD before meeting, get that out of the way first, make sure you actually get along in person, see both places, then worry about it. I only say that because I'd never agree to live in a country I'd never been to, just in case I got there and realized I despise the place. Environment can affect your happiness a lot.

And yeah, I do know. I hope you can get it all sorted out.

Moon and differentcountries have a great point. You don't have to rush to make a decision. The time will come when you know if you want to keep the relationship going or not. Give it time to see what happens. I've always heard that "when you don't know for sure what to do, do nothing." If he could visit here, it might help. I'm sorry he shuts down on you, though, when you two are talking.

[Kitten_mittens]

Thank you everyone. I am more at ease now. I'll try to talk to him about why he said that tomorrow. And after that I will just try to forget about it until we meet. I was getting ahead of myself. Thanks for letting me know that in a nice way. You all are lovely.