Struggeling after 1.5 years

[neiiin]

Hi there!

I really need your help.
My so and me are in a LDR for 1.5 years now(21 and 20 by the way). we see each other every 3-4 weeks.
The thing is, she really starts missing the hugs while we are not in the same town.
It hurts her so much, that i'm really worrying. This may be to painful for her...

I'd really like to make our distance-time more enjoyable, and let it feel closer.
How can i do that?


Thanks!

[differentcountries]

You may use eye contact a lot over Skype, and describe in words how you would hug her and how it would feel.

My main love language is physical contact, too, so I feel her pain about not getting that over the distance. The other languages, time, compliments, gifts and services may be easier to give despite the distance. Maybe finding out what your love language is can help to understand her better? If you Google 5 love languages you will find lots of information.

[Hollandia]

Hi there!

I really need your help.
My so and me are in a LDR for 1.5 years now(21 and 20 by the way). we see each other every 3-4 weeks.
The thing is, she really starts missing the hugs while we are not in the same town.
It hurts her so much, that i'm really worrying. This may be to painful for her...

I'd really like to make our distance-time more enjoyable, and let it feel closer.
How can i do that?


Thanks!

There are some really great ideas on the main page of the site for ideas for couples to do together online. You can't give a real Hug to someone when apart but you can do romantic gestures to help take the pain away.

[dglynn77]

I'm not using comparisons AT ALL! And I am not a fan of comparing one LD to the other! But maybe looking around the site at people who see each other once, twice a year or less would help show your girlfriend how lucky she is to see you once a month!
LD is HARD!!! And it sucks for everyone equally, I know. But maybe the above mentioned ideas, as well as a change of viewpoint would help make her feel happier and more enjoyable.

I would also recommend Skype. After my SO and I were CD (Only 40 minutes apart) we would still Skype every night because we were so used to it and missed seeing each other every night on Skype like we did when I was in China.
Also maybe increase your text/email communication so she knows more often that you are thinking about her.
Good luck!

[mellif]

As the post says above, seeing my SO once a month would be a dream! But onto the helpful information:

I've found the best way to address worries, besides trying to do actions around it, is just to mention them to your SO. Example of something you could tell her: "I don't want to lose you because of our distance. I want us to keep fighting to make this distance more enjoyable, even though it hurts". "Us" is a key word here. It'll put more of a 'team effort' spin on the situation.

From there, take the suggestions from the LDR Couples Activity List and keep yourselves busy when the times get rough. If both of you are putting in effort to make the distance more manageable, it will go a long way.

[piratemama]

Yes, yes, yes - Skype!!! That has made all the difference in the world to me.

I see in your post that your SO is a girl. Are you a guy? If so, I understand your frustration more. Guys want to make the ladies feel really good, and they tend to want to fix things. We ladies sometimes express how much we miss you, not to complain, but to show love. I read an article about that once that suggested girls should be more careful in how we word those feelings. We don't say those things to make our SO's feel bad; actually, I say it to make mine feel good about how much I miss him. I would think it would hurt more if I acted like I didn't care. My SO once said he felt really bad when I said how much I missed his touch. He felt bad because he couldn't do anything about it.

There are activities you can do to make the distance better, but you can also understand that her feelings are perfectly normal. It's to be expected in distance.

[neiiin]

Wow, thanks guys!
Your ideas and support really do help
..and I feel a bit bad for worrying while some of you have a much harder distance.

The one thing left (well, if there are still tips to the start question, feel free to answer ) to think about is:
What are the options if we can't make it more comfortable? Having less contact? Making the relationship more open?
How is it possible to not feel like missing out on some things?

Yes I'm a guy, and I probably think too much about it. But right now, we really like each other, think about the future. It would be such a shame, if we can't make it work.
But I think we will

[Hollandia]

I don't do open, I can't even try to wrap my head around that. I need my SO to want only me and I want only him. Adding others to the mix would weaken that bond for me. You have to be willing to feel the pain in a LDR in order to be in an LDR, if you can't it won't work. You have to be able to feel like you are missing something because you are.

[differentcountries]

Please do not open your relationship. It is a lifestyle choice with its own challenges and rewards, and hardly was there a time in history when more people were introduced at a bad time and the bad times went away. If you even consider going open, please read Opening up, by Tristan Toarmino, it is the best book on the subject. Anyway, I really don't reccomend it as a solution to your challenges. You need good communication to make it work, weather or not you have casual flings on the side or more boyfriends like I have. You have to take care of all the people involved. Me and my husband talked it over for five years before opening and me getting together with my boyfriend.

You may have less contact, if you use that time to make life interesting to have better exchange when you talk. Don't do it simply to avoid each eachother.

[squeeker]

Yes, yes, yes - Skype!!! That has made all the difference in the world to me.

I see in your post that your SO is a girl. Are you a guy? If so, I understand your frustration more. Guys want to make the ladies feel really good, and they tend to want to fix things. We ladies sometimes express how much we miss you, not to complain, but to show love. I read an article about that once that suggested girls should be more careful in how we word those feelings. We don't say those things to make our SO's feel bad; actually, I say it to make mine feel good about how much I miss him. I would think it would hurt more if I acted like I didn't care. My SO once said he felt really bad when I said how much I missed his touch. He felt bad because he couldn't do anything about it.

There are activities you can do to make the distance better, but you can also understand that her feelings are perfectly normal. It's to be expected in distance.

Yeah I think this is maybe important to think about and you worded this well.

Wow, thanks guys!
Your ideas and support really do help
..and I feel a bit bad for worrying while some of you have a much harder distance.

The one thing left (well, if there are still tips to the start question, feel free to answer ) to think about is:
What are the options if we can't make it more comfortable? Having less contact? Making the relationship more open?
How is it possible to not feel like missing out on some things?

Yes I'm a guy, and I probably think too much about it. But right now, we really like each other, think about the future. It would be such a shame, if we can't make it work.
But I think we will

I definitely do not suggest making the relationship more open!! If you suggest that, then she might think you don't care about her at all.. and that you want another girl and not her.. and that would probably make it worse, in my opinion!

And the less contact thing.. well depends on how much you talk now.. if you talk all the time and don't do anything else then maybe it would help to give you more to talk about.

But make sure you talk regularly. I don't know if I could cope with the distance if I couldn't talk to my boyfriend every day. Right now it kind of sucks because his laptop broke and so we can't even properly voice call. But we normally talk all the time we are at home and I like it because we don't even have to talk, but I know he is there, and it's as close as we can get to being together when we are apart.

The things to do list on the LFAD homepage is a good place to start as others have said..

I think the main thing is not to give up.. remind her you love her.. tell her you miss her too. Missing your partner is normal in an LDR and there's not much you can do until you can arrange a visit and finally close the distance. And still you might have it if one of you goes away to work or a work trip and the other can't go but it won't be as long. And as others have said, 3-4 weeks is not that long to be apart for most of the couples on this forum, including me and my boyfriend. Though I know that it seems long when you don't know anything else. But when you have found the right person, you will go through those times of missing each other and get through it.

Maybe when she's feeling particularly sad and missing you, you could change the topic to what it would be like when you live together in the future, however long that is from now! I know that making plans like that, even though they can't be concrete or have a date yet, can help. Even making plans for the next visit. But just keep going and be strong. Missing your partner is normal.. just be there for her and remind her that you love her/care about her.

[neiiin]

Thanks again guys!
But when shes sad she says that she feels like she can't do it. That the distance hurts too much.
It's like calling and skyping in those moments make the pain even worse for her and the longing even more.
I just don't find the right words to make her feel good in these situations. Only a hug would do...

[Hollandia]

Thanks again guys!
But when shes sad she says that she feels like she can't do it. That the distance hurts too much.
It's like calling and skyping in those moments make the pain even worse for her and the longing even more.
I just don't find the right words to make her feel good in these situations. Only a hug would do...

You have to be able to handle it or maybe a LDR is not for you and her. It hurts like hell for all of us. This is just part of what must be accepted in an LDR.

[differentcountries]

Thanks again guys!
But when shes sad she says that she feels like she can't do it. That the distance hurts too much.
It's like calling and skyping in those moments make the pain even worse for her and the longing even more.
I just don't find the right words to make her feel good in these situations. Only a hug would do...

At times, it does for all of us. There are times I would rather watch a good movie than chat with my so and be remind of how much I miss him. But distancing oneself only bring on resentment. Like others have said, you see each other quite often for a long distance couple. That may actually be of disadvantage to you in a way, because then you don't have to learn to cope with the distance that is there. She has to learn the upside of LDR, which is the focus on talking and engaging. I probably had not known so many details about my so in a short time had we been close distance. You have to learn to be more creative. There are 103 suggestions on the main Page on how to be in contact, and on the Forum is even more tips on letter writing and gift giving. Also, I find humor is a great stress release. We have our own Skype jokes. Also, music can do wonders, like sharing a YouTube link.

My mother has this saying : the bird who flies about, finds food, the sitting bird finds none. Be the flying bird. None of us knew what we were doing in the beginning, or later on for that matter, but a lot of good stuff can come out of exploring that feeling of not knowing and becoming curious. When you stop trying to solve the situation by simple means (like closing the distance prematurely), other solutions may emerge.