It's getting harder and harder

[Elli]

Hello
I'm new here because I start to struggle with my long distance relationship. We see each other every 4-6 weeks and we're together since 11 months now.
I know some of you see their partner much less than I do or have been in a LDR for a longer time, so maybe you can help me.

With every time we say goodbye it get's harder for me. I'm really starting to suffer, I feel depressed, lonely, just not happy when he isn't around. Sometimes I get so angry at everything and at everyone who has their boyfriend or girlfriend close to them. I feel so helpless, especially because we don't have a certain perspective when one of us will be able to move (it's England - Germany).
He doesn't seems to have a very big problem with the situation. He goes out with friends all the time, has fun and enjoys his life without me just as much as when I'm there. I don't want to be mean but sometimes I wish I could see that he has problems too and that he has more fun and enjoys his life more when I'm there. When he isn't with me I don't really have a life, I'm just waiting for the month to be over until I see him again.
Do some of you understand how I feel? Or am I being just really mean and selfish?

I love him so much, so breaking up is not an option. And I know that he loves me too. He is lovely to me, tries to cheer me up, is there for me whenever I need him. But still I start not to believe in his love anymore, because he seems to be completely okay with me being away. And this causes jealousy and unhappiness.

I try to keep myself busy with uni, work and friends. But even after meeting my friends and having a great time - when I come back home I'm feeling so depressed and frustrated. Talking to him or just reading his texts makes it even worse then.

What makes you stay strong? What do you think about? And have you had the feeling that you're suffering while he/she didn't at all?

I'm thankful for every reply and encouraging word. Talking to friends is nice but they don't quite understand what I'm going through. But YOU all understand it so well!

[squeeker]

Hi

I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now. I understand as I've gone through times when I've got frustrated with the distance. And my boyfriend has too.

I think you should just make sure you keep keep busying yourself, remind yourself of how much fun you do have when you are together, and he probably misses you just as much.. but is going out with friends to distract himself from missing you because it can be hard to be away from the one you love. He might just not be expressing how he feels as much because he doesn't want to bother you with saying that he is feeling lonely and missing you, he is a guy and wants to look strong for you and be someone who you can lean on in tough times.

How much do you talk now? I know talking every day for as much as we can, or even just being online while we do our work or things, can help a lot to ease the loneliness. Though we both aren't that sociable so we don't go out that much and have lots of time despite an 8 hour time difference most of the year.

Also, focus on the positives.. he's in an EU country so immigration probably won't be as much of an issue, if it's one at all.. I'm not 100% familiar with EU policy but I know it's easier for an EU citizen to go to the UK and the other way around.. at least from what I've heard. Also.. 4-6 weeks isn't that long.. though I understand usually when people can see each other that much, it's not usually for that long. But at least you have a countdown to approximately when you will see him next. Think about what you will do together! Think about your past visits. Think about how much you love him.. the little things he does to make you happy.

I think the worst thing is when one person is busier than the other, because the one who is less busier is spending a lot more time waiting and not talking to the other person. Right now both of us are going to university, so we both have work to do when we aren't able to be online together, so it's not that bad. Besides, we are lucky most days and get to be online a lot together so it helps. But when you can't be online much in a day, just try and keep busying your mind.. ,if uni, work and friends isn't helping.. find another hobby.. depending on your interests, that could be reading a new book, making something new via crochet/knitting/sewing, drawing or writing a story.. looking for recipes.. I like to look for recipes for food I can make and if it's good, make for my boyfriend when I get to visit him next.

I wish you the strength to stay strong. It's okay what you are going through, and I'm sure he misses you too but just doesn't express it as much because he wants to look strong and wants to distract himself. I hope you guys get to talk a lot, and you'll be together again before you know it!! Stay strong!!

[Chris516]

Hello
I'm new here because I start to struggle with my long distance relationship. We see each other every 4-6 weeks and we're together since 11 months now.
I know some of you see their partner much less than I do or have been in a LDR for a longer time, so maybe you can help me.

Welcome, I will try my best.

With every time we say goodbye it get's harder for me. I'm really starting to suffer, I feel depressed, lonely, just not happy when he isn't around. Sometimes I get so angry at everything and at everyone who has their boyfriend or girlfriend close to them. I feel so helpless, especially because we don't have a certain perspective when one of us will be able to move (it's England - Germany).
He doesn't seems to have a very big problem with the situation. He goes out with friends all the time, has fun and enjoys his life without me just as much as when I'm there. I don't want to be mean but sometimes I wish I could see that he has problems too and that he has more fun and enjoys his life more when I'm there. When he isn't with me I don't really have a life, I'm just waiting for the month to be over until I see him again.
Do some of you understand how I feel? Or am I being just really mean and selfish?

If you were happy, when he was gone, instead of missing him, I would be worried. But that is me. Do you have any hobbies or interests, that are not dependent on his presence?

I love him so much, so breaking up is not an option. And I know that he loves me too. He is lovely to me, tries to cheer me up, is there for me whenever I need him. But still I start not to believe in his love anymore, because he seems to be completely okay with me being away. And this causes jealousy and unhappiness.

I can see where you might be jealous.

I try to keep myself busy with uni, work and friends. But even after meeting my friends and having a great time - when I come back home I'm feeling so depressed and frustrated. Talking to him or just reading his texts makes it even worse then.

How so?

What makes you stay strong? What do you think about? And have you had the feeling that you're suffering while he/she didn't at all?

I certainly feel like I am suffering.

I'm thankful for every reply and encouraging word. Talking to friends is nice but they don't quite understand what I'm going through. But YOU all understand it so well!

Yes, Some things only go so far, in re-focusing your mind for a while.

[piratemama]

Welcome to the forum!

What you are feeling is normal. It helps to try to stay connected as much as possible. When I get really down or worried or jealous, I'll try to search for something to do for my SO or search for some new activity for us to do together over Skype. It helps to think of him, but be busy, too. It is good to have hobbies and friends of your own. It is tempting to sit by the computer, but that is the worst thing to do!

You are right that no one else can understand an LDR. That makes it even harder.

Read through the list of things to do here: https://www.lovingfromadistance.com/...uplestodo.html. This are good for connecting, but it also gives you something to do that builds on your LDR.

Good luck.

[Elli]

Thanks to all of you for your answers. Sometimes it helps just to read that someone understands how it feels to be away from the person you love.
Most of the things you suggested I'm doing already. I try to keep myself busy, have friends here and hobbies like sewing, knitting, just like you said
But of course there are nights where I'm not doing anything and realising how lonely I feel without him. And if he's out with his friends then and can't talk to me I'm feeling even more lonely and upset. But that is not his fault.

And you are right, squeeker (I don't know how to tag someone here), 4-6 weeks isn't too bad but as you said it's only for a few days everytime. So it's hard to get really used to each other and have something like a daily life. And also the immigration is not a problem at all. Just finding a job is.^^

I will try to keep myself busy even more and do more things that are not depending on him, so I can enjoy my life a bit too, even when he is not around.
Hopefully the next time I won't feel that low again then!
Thank you again!

[Ahava]

I think you should try and get yourself to a place where you are happy with yourself and with your life with or without him.
My SO has said to me that he was happy with his life, but that I made it even better
I understand what you mean though, I have those days when I feel that I'm just stuck waiting on my boyfriend and not "having a life".
(Btw I like knitting too.)
I'm a little jealous of you guys seeing each other so often!
We are able only to do short visits too, so I know what it's like.

[Ramir]

Hi Elli,

Thanks for sharing, YES you're not the only one that feels this way. My girlfriend lives in Thailand..over 8,000 miles away. We will meet each other for the first time come November 2014....that's 9 aching months before we can finally touch and hold each other. It's amazing there are other LDRs that haven't met for years!!...I don't know how they can bear it....but we all find some way. Same as you, it's those times when I'm alone that are the most difficult...even after we've had our fill of activities and friends...it's the time alone that I dread. I miss her so much even after we've video chat for a couple hours prior.

What keeps me going is that I remind myself how special and rare she is and that she is worth all of this....and that this is only a temporary time in our relationship (soon after we meet, we most likely will get married, then I will move to Thailand and live with her....about 6 months later)
There are days when it feels like I just can't make it...but I often come to this site to read accounts of others who experience the same hardship as I...and it helps take the edge off. When one day is over, I cross it off on my calendar...and tell myself tomorrow is another morning closer to seeing the one I love.

[lonelyheart]

Hi,

I am also new to this site! I'm in a similar position to you- we see each other every two to three weeks (which now seems very often, after hearing hoe long some people here have to endure). We also only have short visits, weekends and I think sometimes that makes it harder. I find there is always an 'adjustment period' getting used to each other again. If you only have 2/3 days, then I find its a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions in a short space of time! I haven't found any way to combat that, apart from having longer periods of time to look forward too together.

I'm sorry to hear you feel like he isn't as keen. We went through a period when my SO first moved to his new city. It was all new and exciting for him, while I was still at, still doing the same things so I understand how you feel. I think its almost easier if you are the one who has the busy life. Perhaps you need to make sure you're spending time with friends, try to enjoy your life as much as you can. Hopefully, once he sees you are having fun without him, he'll feel less needed and take it all more seriously. Good luck!