I would appreciate an advice

[grizzlybear]

Hello,
Me and my boyfriend have been in ldr for 7 months and it's 2248 km separating us. We meet almost every 2 months at least for a weekend, I know that it doesn't sound that bad... but after the last time we have met something has changed: all this situation we are in became much harder and more tough to bare for both of us. It has always been harder for him to keep calm about missing but now everything became so confused we both feel lost even though we mean so much to each other and are each one's reasons to smile every day. It's extremely sad to see him that upset and sometimes it seems that he is obsessed with the idea that breaking up would stop the pain he is suffering from and the only thing stopping him is the fear to hurt me. I don't want to have a relationship based on a fear... I know we both are having a hard time right now and both are suffering as much... Just it is hard to find words how to comfort him when he stops seeing positive things, good memories together, the possible solution in the future and something good in general... Especially it got intense after one talk when we almost broke up. The situation is tearing my heart and I wish we could find a way out of here but as we both are students it gets far more complicated. Maybe someone of you has been in a similar situation as I am right now? I'd really like to receive an advice.

[differentcountries]

It is harder for my boyfriend, too. And he deals with it quite like yours. I don't have any clever advice exept talk over what it is that bothers you /him right now. It is probably a bit early to close the distance but there could perhaps be other ways to ease the situation.

[gracee1245]

Hey there. I'm like your boyfriend i.e. i'm the one who finds it harder, or at least found it harder. Me and my boyfriend had a similar issue when he went back to america... (i'm in the uk) i was un sure (because of many things) and constantly sought reassurance and I was just OBSESSED with the pain of it all it bought our relationship down so much and made it so miserable. We had the similar thing of me always being like 'well maybe we should break up i would be less sad' but i wasn't staying with him out of guilt.. i was staying with him because i loved him and said those things not because i didn't want to be with him but because i felt so desperately unsure. But like I said that was at the start. So all I can tell you is what I think would've helped the situation in retrospect. I think generally lightening things up helps a lot, doing nice things together and trying to enjoy the things that you can do in an LDR... get netflix and watch films together on skype. If you do stuff with him while you're apart, like do things and not just talk, it will make him feel more re-assured that it isn't so bad. Send him some messages while he's sleeping to wake up to reminding him of a specific nice memory you had. Talk about the future and how you want to be with him. Talk about when you'll next see each other. Tell him you have a suprise for him and then send him something in the post. Have a laugh and a joke with him. I sound really bossy here but i'm just trying to emphasise that i think it might help your situation if he stopped being so obssessed with the pain of it all, cause that causes so much tension and is hard for both parties. Then it goes into a massive spiral and no wonder you were close to breaking up. So lighten things up a bit and make him realise it's not so bad, re-assure him by talking to him about the future and showing him how it can work in the mean time and actually be quite nice. Hope this helped, these things certainly helped my relationship anyway!

[piratemama]

I agree with gracee1245's ideas which are excellent.

I am the one that freaks out over missing my SO, although I know it's hard for him, too. It's really difficult to know how to soothe someone that is feeling like that. What helps me the most is when my SO reassures me. My language of love is words of affirmation, so I need to hear his reassurances over and over. Doing things with him and planning for the next visit helps me, too. Just keep the lines of communication open with him as much as possible.

Oh, by the way, welcome to the forum!

[grizzlybear]

Thank you for your answers and warm welcoming! It's really nice to know I'm not alone and you made me to see more light in this situation as I'm so worried about us recently... Well, we always talk and don't leave any unclear issues what to my mind really keeps us strong, to keep talking doesn't matter what, that's why we're still together.
I know that expanding activities online and adding something new into the daily talks is a great idea, so we read the same books, watch movies and we're planning to start a coursera course. The problem is that unsure feeling which leads him to not to mention future, sometimes he forgets and starts talking how it could be but it ends with stopping himself and avoiding this topic when I mention something. I am pretty sure he isn't staying just because of guilt too just it gets so hard for him and I'd really like to give him strength that I still own, it's upsetting to see him suffering and me just couldn't find the right words at the moment he needs a cheer up... I feel miserable just watching him like that.
But I still believe there's a way out of this situation and I loved the idea about sending a cheer up package to him, I even got some ideas while writing this