Really confused

[Scm1990]

I have been in a long distance relationship for about four months... My boyfriend had to move away a year ago but returns here occasionally.
Our relationship had been going well. Last time he visited we had a great time together (this was about two months back) and our communication has been improving since.
He has been trying to move back but is having no luck with finding a job. A few weeks ago he got a bit down about it and has been very distant since.
He was visiting this weekend but hasn't even made time to see me... He spent all time with his friends. I pushed him to know what was up and he said he was figuring stuff out and 'I'm ok with things if you are but if I can't come back what do we do'
I said we probably need to talk but I'm not sure I understand. He was the one pushing for the relationship in the first place, and everything was going so well up until the other week. He was the one who was counting down the days until we would see each other and now we haven't... I feel pretty rejected
Can anyone else in a LDR help from their own experience? There must be a way to make it work?

[Carol]

I would say you guys really need to talk and find out if the only problem he is going through is the distance. It seems odd to me that he had a chance to see you and didn't make time to. If the problem is just the distance, you should talk about your options and how you can make it easier. How far away from each other are? He probably needs to hear something positive and something that will give him hope and strength to keep the relationship.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I have been in a long distance relationship for about four months... My boyfriend had to move away a year ago but returns here occasionally.
Our relationship had been going well. Last time he visited we had a great time together (this was about two months back) and our communication has been improving since.
He has been trying to move back but is having no luck with finding a job. A few weeks ago he got a bit down about it and has been very distant since.
He was visiting this weekend but hasn't even made time to see me... He spent all time with his friends. I pushed him to know what was up and he said he was figuring stuff out and 'I'm ok with things if you are but if I can't come back what do we do'
I said we probably need to talk but I'm not sure I understand. He was the one pushing for the relationship in the first place, and everything was going so well up until the other week. He was the one who was counting down the days until we would see each other and now we haven't... I feel pretty rejected
Can anyone else in a LDR help from their own experience? There must be a way to make it work?

I can tell you with my experience, whenever my SO is having a problem or feeling down about something, he gets very quiet. If I push him too much, he gets upset, feels like I'm controlling him or mothering him. It's just normal for some guys to get that way, sometimes because they don't want us to worry, sometimes because they don't know what to say, sometimes because they feel overwhelmed or stressed out.

You should try to talk to him, be there for him, when he's ready to talk, but don't push him. Believe me, I know how hard that is, sometimes. That's one of the problems with a Long Distance Relationship. It is so easy to over think, jump to conclusions, feel rejected or abandoned, and then find out later that he just needed a bit of space. That was probably why he went off with his friends instead of contacting you. So don't feel rejected or blame him.

[NI_USA_love]

He has been trying to move back but is having no luck with finding a job. A few weeks ago he got a bit down about it and has been very distant since.
...
I pushed him to know what was up and he said he was figuring stuff out and 'I'm ok with things if you are but if I can't come back what do we do'

If he is feeling hopeless, that is why. I know I've been with people who pull away when they are afraid of getting hurt before, maybe in the beginning he thought he could find a job and come back but now that he isn't having luck with it and time keeps stretching on, he could be having doubts and be pulling away now to keep from getting hurt more later.

What are your options? What if he never finds a job there? You need to talk about these things.

[piratemama]

I can tell you with my experience, whenever my SO is having a problem or feeling down about something, he gets very quiet. If I push him too much, he gets upset, feels like I'm controlling him or mothering him. It's just normal for some guys to get that way, sometimes because they don't want us to worry, sometimes because they don't know what to say, sometimes because they feel overwhelmed or stressed out.

You should try to talk to him, be there for him, when he's ready to talk, but don't push him. Believe me, I know how hard that is, sometimes. That's one of the problems with a Long Distance Relationship. It is so easy to over think, jump to conclusions, feel rejected or abandoned, and then find out later that he just needed a bit of space. That was probably why he went off with his friends instead of contacting you. So don't feel rejected or blame him.

I agree with this. My SO is one who pulls back some, too. If I ask him about something and don't get a good answer, I drop it for then and try again later. I've learned over time how to pick good times to approach him. And, it is definitely easy to over think and make inaccurate assumptions. Do talk with him, rationally and at a good time, and let him know you care and want to understand what's going on. Don't start with "you made me feel" or "you did so and so," but start with "I feel" or "my feelings are."

By the way, welcome to the forum.

Good luck.

[Scm1990]

Thank you for everyone's advice, I think he is just feeling a bit down about it all
I think the main reason he cannot find work is because the employers know he does not live here and would rather employ locally.
I would consider moving with him, in time though, not right away. And if things worked out we could come back together.
He is only about an hour flight away so not too far at all. I want to go and see him but I know my family won't approve of the LDR so I am finding it difficult to tell them as well.

[jana89]

Donīt be afraid of talking .... It includes both your SO and your parents. If your relationship will last, you will want your parents to know and guess once you will have to tell them anyhows. My parents didnīt approve my LDR in the beginning as well, but I told them despite and they had time to get used to the whole concept. You are adult, they canīt really forbid you the relationship, so just tell them in a polite manner and itīs gonna be ok. Also talk to your SO, I believe he gets distant just because there is too much pressure from not having the job etc., but still, you two should learn how to communicate these issues. Good luck with everything and welcome to LFAD