need some help/someone to talk to

[ChrisJH]

I'm flying back we had a long talk yesterday. Staying to enjoy Vietnam is impossable this is too upsetting.

[TwoThree]

That's probably for the best. Sorry it's come to this. I wish you the best

[squeeker]

I'm also sorry that had to happen, but it sounds like you made the right decision for yourself. I'm sure you will be okay with time.

[BagOfPenguins]

Oh man that sucks, do you have any idea why things went that way?
I'm guessing you already booked the flight back? Otherwise I would have said come to South Korea while you're in the area, it's amazing, and I'd totally be open to showing you around so that you could at least have some good asia experiences now that you made this crazy long trip.

[Moon]

I'm really sorry about your situation. Try not to over-think everything that happened, sometimes the chemistry just isn't there for one, or both, people when you finally meet. It does happen, we hear about it on here sometimes, and it's awful. Remember to be kind to yourself, and that it's not just you, it's a risk we all take when entering an LDR with someone we haven't met in person. Good luck.

[Hollandia]

I'm really sorry about your situation. Try not to over-think everything that happened, sometimes the chemistry just isn't there for one, or both, people when you finally meet. It does happen, we hear about it on here sometimes, and it's awful. Remember to be kind to yourself, and that it's not just you, it's a risk we all take when entering an LDR with someone we haven't met in person. Good luck.

Yeah, I totally agree. This is a fear I had before I came to NL to meet my SO. I do think it was still quite unfair for her to not be upfront about it and at least still be willing to make your time enjoyable. There is still nothing to be gained by dwelling on it. Move forward and don't blame yourself.

[ChrisJH]

Ok I'm back home, because I was staying at her place the morning when packing everything we tried to talk and felt a little more relaxed and did not want to make the last few hours together unpleasant, we talked about what we said to each other and why we said it.
We both made mistakes that made mistakes after that all the worse but we did say that we still wanted a relationship and because we were both nervous we did not see the real person we were supposed to meet, the person that we had been knew over Skype.
Because the ticket was already paid for and could not be cancelled we thought it was best that we try again in the future and we can meet in Singapore or Malaysia where we will both be on holiday and I think she will have a better chance at getting a UK visa this time because of my visit showing evidence that we know each other as well.
Considering how close we are over Skype put a lot of pressure on the both of us to be exactly the same in person when we could not do that due to shyness we got frustrated with each other.

In short it went pretty badly until the end were both still together and will try again to make it work and putting the first visit down to nerves.

If there is one thing to learn from this is the communication is extremely important in an LDR particularly when meeting in person for the first time the visitor us likely going to be in unfamiliar surroundings the resident is allowing someone they only seen from a computer screen ( in our case ) into their home.

[squeeker]

Ok I'm back home, because I was staying at her place the morning when packing everything we tried to talk and felt a little more relaxed and did not want to make the last few hours together unpleasant, we talked about what we said to each other and why we said it.
We both made mistakes that made mistakes after that all the worse but we did say that we still wanted a relationship and because we were both nervous we did not see the real person we were supposed to meet, the person that we had been knew over Skype.
Because the ticket was already paid for and could not be cancelled we thought it was best that we try again in the future and we can meet in Singapore or Malaysia where we will both be on holiday and I think she will have a better chance at getting a UK visa this time because of my visit showing evidence that we know each other as well.
Considering how close we are over Skype put a lot of pressure on the both of us to be exactly the same in person when we could not do that due to shyness we got frustrated with each other.

In short it went pretty badly until the end were both still together and will try again to make it work and putting the first visit down to nerves.

If there is one thing to learn from this is the communication is extremely important in an LDR particularly when meeting in person for the first time the visitor us likely going to be in unfamiliar surroundings the resident is allowing someone they only seen from a computer screen ( in our case ) into their home.

Aww that's good you got to talk before you left and are willing to try the relationship still, I hope everything goes well! Meeting at a time when you both are free from work does sound better at least because then you can focus on getting to know each other in person. Maybe make it a shorter trip though so the pressure is a bit less? And then after you are more comfortable in person you can work on increasing the lengths of the trip? Though maybe just get to know each other more online, and it's good you at least learned the importance of communication which is increasingly important in an LDR though should be important in all relationships of course. Good luck

[TwoThree]

Ehhh. That sounds like a bad idea to me, tbh. She had plenty to time to make efforts to get to know "the real you". Having to work while you were there is not an excuse. My SO sometimes works (and has a stressful job) when I'm there, but always makes time for me. The way you described how she was to you was downright rude.

I think maybe this woman just loves being in a LDR. Being close over Skype means fuck all when meeting in real life proved to be such a disaster. She didn't even let you hug her when you first met, for goat's sake!

But of course, it's all up to you.

[differentcountries]

It may be she was overwealmed and the one bedroom flat left you little space mentally. It is worth a try to meet somewhere else and with more free time. I myself am OK with meeting my so when he is working, but he does not work from home (in fact we have not stayed in his home either... Would have been impossable since he sleeps in a room with 5 other guys). And when he had time off from work, we could do stuff that brought us closer, like taking trips in the daytime. This is especially important so early in the relationship. I wish you the best with your next try

[OperaDiva]

... we talked about what we said to each other and why we said it. We both made mistakes that made mistakes after that all the worse but we did say that we still wanted a relationship and because we were both nervous we did not see the real person we were supposed to meet, the person that we had been knew over Skype.

I don't know if I missed something in your posts, or you did not write about it, but ... huh? The "real" person is the person that you are on Skype AND the IRL you. It is normal to discover sides you did not know when spending time in person, but I honestly do not understand how that can explain silence, telling you to "be just friends" and not wanting to go out and spend time together. Cultural misunderstandings can also happen, but if you really care for the person you would try to be open minded and overcome the confusion...
I understand that you do not want to let go of what you thought you had, but I think you need to accept that the person you met face to face was the real one.

[ChrisJH]

I'm not sure any more I do value what everyone says here, although I don't post much I do read these forums semi-regularly and found good information and advice here.

This is causing me to really question my own judgement, I have to admit that I am not very experienced with relationships my confidence was terrible until about 1 and a half years ago and she does know this about me.
What I meant about the real is the people we are to each other over Skype was different because this was the first time we had met we were the uncertain how to be around each other, I was scared to be there Saigon is the longest I have stayed in any city in my life even if it was only 5 days and she does not like her own country much, her plan is to live somewhere else in some ways all she has is the hope of a better life somewhere else as beautiful a country Vietnam is it's still a police state and who wants to live in a police state.

At the moment I'm telling myself it was poor planning everything from the visa, the flight, her picking me up was timed and organised but we did not talk about where we would go or what we would do she mentioned going to Dalat or Na-Trang I said we can go wherever she would like as long as we were together, Dalat sounded nice and she had been there with her mother but when we met she did not want to consider the idea of visiting her parents, much less anywhere else.

Perhaps I am being unrealistic or trying to lie to myself I don't know any more, Has everyone at their first meet hugged and got along like they have never at a distance, I thought it was perhaps the more confident among people on the forums that were like that, TwoThree and OperaDiva make good points, I wanted to hug her from the moment I saw her in person and hearing the word no when I asked her permission hurt, I did not know how to respond after that.

I should try to write everything that happened down and go over it perhaps see where I did something wrong it could have been a cultural misunderstanding like OperaDiva said.

[squeeker]

I'm not sure any more I do value what everyone says here, although I don't post much I do read these forums semi-regularly and found good information and advice here.

This is causing me to really question my own judgement, I have to admit that I am not very experienced with relationships my confidence was terrible until about 1 and a half years ago and she does know this about me.
What I meant about the real is the people we are to each other over Skype was different because this was the first time we had met we were the uncertain how to be around each other, I was scared to be there Saigon is the longest I have stayed in any city in my life even if it was only 5 days and she does not like her own country much, her plan is to live somewhere else in some ways all she has is the hope of a better life somewhere else as beautiful a country Vietnam is it's still a police state and who wants to live in a police state.

At the moment I'm telling myself it was poor planning everything from the visa, the flight, her picking me up was timed and organised but we did not talk about where we would go or what we would do she mentioned going to Dalat or Na-Trang I said we can go wherever she would like as long as we were together, Dalat sounded nice and she had been there with her mother but when we met she did not want to consider the idea of visiting her parents, much less anywhere else.

Perhaps I am being unrealistic or trying to lie to myself I don't know any more, Has everyone at their first meet hugged and got along like they have never at a distance, I thought it was perhaps the more confident among people on the forums that were like that, TwoThree and OperaDiva make good points, I wanted to hug her from the moment I saw her in person and hearing the word no when I asked her permission hurt, I did not know how to respond after that.

I should try to write everything that happened down and go over it perhaps see where I did something wrong it could have been a cultural misunderstanding like OperaDiva said.

It does sound like maybe you just were going to quickly with the meet up thing and weren't ready to meet, because especially if you are staying for a longer period of time for the first visit especially, it's good to have extra activities to do, so there isn't pressure to be comfortable right away.

Luckily for me and my SO, we were able to get into a comfortable routine right away, but he didn't have work or uni so could hang out with me all the time and it was very low key.. we went on a few day trips to place nearby, and it was nice.

But at the same point, I know looking back that I was more nervous then than my latest visit in this past summer, for example. One reason was just that our relationship was very new and we had only known each other for a little over a year before we met in person, and we are both anxious people. I like to look at the positive of things and hope for the best.. and if you and her are still willing to try again.. it might work.. but just learn from your mistakes.. and talk about planning everything you can do.. because maybe on your previous visit, maybe she should have communicated with you ideas for what you could do when she was working.. I think you have to work at your communication.. and learn more about each other. And plan what you can do if the other person needs alone space for a time, because it's normal to want alone space from time to time.

But try and learn as much you can about your expectations, how you like to live so you can merge your personalities and preferences better in a way that they can compliment each other better. And at the end of the day, it is between you and her whether or not your relationship is worth it. Also.. think about how you have met her in person now, and maybe it wasn't like you expected, but maybe the next time you will be better because you will know more what to expect so you will have planned what you are going to do. But be realistic about how you both feel.

Good luck.

[Hollandia]

Our first meeting....

I was nervous as hell and he was polite as you could imagine. He is a quiet person in real life and I realized early on, I was babbling a bit. So, I decided to stop. I let him show me what he wanted or not. I asked him to take me somewhere for a nice drink. He started to talk and we laughed together and just clicked. We walked to a small cute little place and I looked at him across the table and felt my heart beat a thousand beats a minute. Every where we went the same happened from that point on. We had only wanted to be friends so there was a bit of tension in the air, but I knew instantly this was a man that was meant to be in my life. He did btw, give me a hug at the airport. We were not being sexual at that point but we were very intimate in an emotional sense.

If you don't have an emotional connection to someone, then I don't think you are a couple, but buddies. When you truly love someone I believe that you want to touch them, not just sexual but intimate. Holding hands, and hugging are not always sexual but they are a bit beyond buddies. I would ask her point blank, do you love me as a friend or am I someone you are in love with? I would not invest more time in a LDR if she is not in love with you. I believe if you dig deep, you already know the answer to this and if you don't, ask her and she should be able to give it to you.

[Moon]

I try staying away from these kind of threads because I tend to be a bit realistic, though some call it cynical. I'm really sorry, but I don't think you have a relationship here. My guy is the shyest thing in the world, yet he still managed to hug me when I got off of that plane the first time. Other than a side trip with friends for a few days, we didn't have plans either, but he took me out and showed me all around the city, and we had a great time, all unplanned. He got over his awkwardness in about a day, because when you're into someone, that's how it goes. You mentioned her wanting to leave Vietnam, please don't be offended, but are you absolutely sure that's not why she's with you, and still supposely wants to be with you, after such a disastrous trip?

Listen, it's your life, but to be completely honest, you should get rid of her, there's nothing good in it for you. Chemistry is either there, or it's not, and in this case it wasn't for her, yet she claims to still want to be with you. Why? I'm not saying it's definitely the possibility of UK residency, but I'd be extremely suspicious. When you're into someone, and have true, honest feeling for them, your scenario doesn't happen. After all of that, and all the wasted time, money, hopes and dreams, WHY in the world are you giving her another shot? Stop trying to excuse her actions in your head, and making up reasons why she did things, they're wishful thinking I'm afraid, I think it's in your best interest to just walk away. Good luck, and I'm sorry this happened to you.