I lied to my SO, she found out, what to do now?

[Luc]

I made a stupid mistake of lying to my girl, she found out, and I fear the worst now and I need your advice. Let me explain what happened.

Let me tell you some relevant background information first:

I have real trouble sleeping at night. All kind of stuff is keeping me awake and I find it hard to shut off my thoughts. I've been dealing with stress from college and other things. Usually when I'm in bed lying awake I start to feel anxious and lonely.She lives in the USA, I live in The Netherlands, 9 hour time difference, with me being 9 hours ahead of her, so I know that during the time I'm awake in bed, my SO is still awake, and usually playing a video-game called Guild Wars 2 (an online video-game where we originally met).
I used to Whatsapp my SO when I felt anxious and lonely in bed and she usually replied with kind words, but lately she started to react irritated whenever this happened. And recently she just didn't even look at her Whatsapp anymore during those times. But I knew she was probably on Guild Wars 2, which she indeed was.

So last few nights, whenever I felt anxious and lonely, I logged on to Guild Wars 2, knowing that I with 90% certainly I would find her there. This however made her only even more irritated, and she told me I should be in bed and not on GW2 in a cold and commanding way. She even said things like "this is ridiculous" and "you shouldn't even be on here". I told her that I felt she wasn't taking my issue and feelings seriously, to which she replied offended and said she takes my sleeping issue VERY seriously and that in fact she doubts whether I take my own issue seriously.

Anyway, because she only got more and more irritated every time I logged on GW2 at ridiculous late hours (for me), I promised her that I would try really hard not to do that anymore.

It might sound ridiculous, but keeping this promise was so much harder for me than it should be and I broke that promise twice, two nights in a row.

The first night I broke my promise, I logged on to GW2 and turned my status to 'invisible' so other people wouldn't be able to see directly that I was online. I did so because I wanted to play a bit and do my 'daily achievements', which would take me roughly 1 hour, to clear my mind and then go back to bed without other people having the chance to distract me by chatting me up. However, when I saw my SO logged on a while later, I couldn't resist the temptation to talk to her, and so I turned my status to 'online' and approached her. She once again got irritated and said: "I just logged on two minutes ago... were you already on this game?" To which I replied: "No, I also just logged on, it's a coincidence. I couldn't sleep again and I needed your company."
This was my first lie. A lie she didn't find out about at first, but I did confess to her when she found out the second time I broke my promise.

So the second night I was Whatsapping with my girlfriend until roughly 1:00AM my time. That's when she said she would stop Whatsapping with me because I should go to sleep now. I told her I would, which was my 2nd lie, because I honestly didn't feel like going to bed. I was really awake and my mind was once again filled with all kinds of thoughts. So I logged in on GW2 again, again turned my status to 'invisible' because again I just wanted to do my 'daily achievements' for that day.
However, not long after, my SO once again logged on too. This time I decided not to talk her up, but instead keep my status on 'invisible'. I would just finish my 'daily achievements' and then go to bed.
However, she found out I was in fact online and she found out I was in fact hiding it by turning myself to 'invisible'. To clarify; people on your friendlist in GW2 aren't able to see you're online when you're invisible, but they will still be able to see you in the actual game world, which is how she found out.

Obviously when she saw I was online and trying to hide it, she got furious. She was seriously offended, and rightfully so. She couldn't believe I lied to her face about this and then tried to hide it by going 'invisible'.

Now, I get that she was angry, so I let her vent, but then she said her trust is completely destroyed and that she didn't want to talk with me or see me anymore for a while.

I don't want to marginalize her feelings, but I thought her reaction was a bit extreme. I get she was mad, I get her trust in me took a hit, but "completely destroyed" sounded extreme to me.

I told her that in my opinion, my lie was just a small lie, as I merely lied over playing a video-game, not something way more serious such as cheating. I tried to explain to her that just because I lied over something like this, that doesn't mean I would lie over bigger stuff as well. To which she replied that to her a lie is a lie, and this lie is by no means small to her, she said it was a huge deal to her.

So I decided, that if I want to rebuild my trust, I should show her that I'm willing to be 100% honest with her, and thus I confessed to her my other lie. But instead of being glad that I was honest about it and took the initiative to confess, she only got more angry and only used it against me.

After that, there was radio-silence from her side for 1 whole day. Then after that day, she talked to me again when I approached her, but when I tried to fix this mess by apologizing and asking her how I could make up for this, she didn't really work with me, all she said was things like "you're a liar and I don't have time for liars" and "I don't care anymore" and "I don't feel anything right now".

This seemed kinda cold to me and not something someone would say if she would still see a future in this relationship. So I got afraid that she might want to break up. So I asked her if we still have a future and if she can find it in herself to forgive me". She replied: "I don't know, I need some space."

So I gave her space, until later on she contacted me, saying: "I'd like to Skype with you for a bit tomorrow so I can actually say what I need to say and not have you insinuate stuff before I'm even done explaining. I can only be on for a short bit though because I have other things to do."

To which I asked: "Okay, but shouldn't we actually take the time for it if we want to talk this out? Or are you just going to get on to break up with me? What is your intention to Skype with me then?

To which she replied: "I have no intention. Would you rather not Skype then?"

To which I said: "Depends on what youre gonna say on skype. If you wanna tell me that it's over, then you can just as well say that now."

To which she in turn replied: "I don't feel much of anything right now. And you sitting there listing what suits you and what doesn't, isn't really the way to go. Stop acting entitled like that."

To which I said: "Just tell me what you want right now. Do you want this relationship to work out?"

To which she said: "Stop demanding answers from me. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight."


So yeah, I'm at a loss right now. What should I do? Should I expect the worst? I know I was wrong, I know what I did was bad, I know I shouldn't have lied to her, but I also know that if the situation was reverse, I wouldn't react like this, I wouldn't break up with her over this, but the way she talks to me I almost get the feeling that this is exactly what she wants to do on Skype.

What should I do LFADers?

[nottheprincesspeach]

You will never know what she wants to say if you don't give her the chance to say it. If that's how she wants to communicate I would give her the time. It seems like in trying to prematurely pull her feelings out of her you are pushing her away. While her behavior does seem cold I wouldn't push too much and give her what she needs to talk this out and move on. Maybe she just needs to say some things, and then let you both think. Again, you will never know until you go for it.

[dglynn77]

Umm... I know your girl was concerned for you, but she sounds likes she's playing mommy to a four year old, , saying when you are to sleep and stuff. My SO struggles with sleeping and plays games or other things at night to help him tire himself out. It's not something he can control, and I'd rather him be happy than lying awake in bed miserable.
Don't lie. Tell her to stop bossing you around. You are an adult and can do what you want. Apologize for lying, but clearly you need to draw some boundaries in your relationship.
Also, she is using childish behavior to try to manipulate you. Make her behave like an adult an treat you with respect like adult as well. If you give in to childishness you are accepting being treated like a child as well.

[Luc]

You will never know what she wants to say if you don't give her the chance to say it. If that's how she wants to communicate I would give her the time. It seems like in trying to prematurely pull her feelings out of her you are pushing her away. While her behavior does seem cold I wouldn't push too much and give her what she needs to talk this out and move on. Maybe she just needs to say some things, and then let you both think. Again, you will never know until you go for it.

Good point. I guess I'll just wait until she gets on Skype and then we'll see how that goes. Any advice on how to behave myself during this convo, aside from the obvious (being calm, letting her talk, trying to be understanding)?

[nottheprincesspeach]

Good point. I guess I'll just wait until she gets on Skype and then we'll see how that goes. Any advice on how to behave myself during this convo, aside from the obvious (being calm, letting her talk, trying to be understanding)?

I agree with dglynn. When she is done ask her for time to discuss your own feelings and respond to whatever she says. Other than that seems like you have it.

[dglynn77]

Good point. I guess I'll just wait until she gets on Skype and then we'll see how that goes. Any advice on how to behave myself during this convo, aside from the obvious (being calm, letting her talk, trying to be understanding)?

Yes. Be calm. Apologize sincerely for lying, as you did lie and that is very wrong. Don't turn it into a big lie/small lie talk, any lie of any size is wrong. Apologize and don't do it again.
Besides that, don't grovel. Say you know that is wrong, and you appreciate her concern, but you shouldn't have to lie to be able to do something harmless that you enjoy. Let her know you will be doing what you want, and she needs to respect that.

[Luc]

Umm... I know your girl was concerned for you, but she sounds likes she's playing mommy to a four year old, , saying when you are to sleep and stuff. My SO struggles with sleeping and plays games or other things at night to help him tire himself out. It's not something he can control, and I'd rather him be happy than lying awake in bed miserable.
Don't lie. Tell her to stop bossing you around. You are an adult and can do what you want. Apologize for lying, but clearly you need to draw some boundaries in your relationship.

Yeah, you're right. And that is exactly the reason why I lied to her on both times. I just didn't want conflict and I knew that was what I would get if I would tell her the truth. Of course I made a mistake and by lying I created even greater conflict.


However, I don't know how to tell her this. I already tried to tell her that I didn't like her methods of helping me, that I thought she was acting like my mother, to which she replied I acted entitled and had some nerve to actually tell her how she should or shouldn't help me.

The thing is, unlike your SO, I'm not happy. My lack of sleep and my extreme late gaming hours are causing me to fall behind at college, and I am concerned over my health and my progress at college. My girl knows this, and I guess that is why she can't just accept seeing me online during ridiculous hours.

The told me she feels I'm not taking her seriously and that in her eyes a pat on the back and a "everything will be alright" won't help me. She believes she needs to be strict with me on this because that's maybe not what I want, but it is what I need, or so she believes.

Edit: And to be fair, I did ask for her support, I just didn't realize this is how she would support me. But I guess this was to be expected, as she is a very to-the-point girl that likes to tackle problems at the root quickly and effectively, she's not the one to sugarcoat things.

[talim]

Sorry to be a little harsh, but I think that you girlfriend is totally overreacting and she kinda forced you into lying. Will I be right when I'll say that you wouldn't lie to her about staying up if she wouldn't behave like she is your mother and give you commands? I don't know, I think that I wouldn't be able to tolerate this behaviour from my SO. Yes, lying is bad, but you lied to her because you were afraid that she would be mad. Anyway, definitely hear what she wants to tell you.

[dglynn77]

Yeah, you're right. And that is exactly the reason why I lied to her on both times. I just didn't want conflict and I knew that was what I would get if I would tell her the truth. Of course I made a mistake and by lying I created even greater conflict.


However, I don't know how to tell her this. I already tried to tell her that I didn't like her methods of helping me, that I thought she was acting like my mother, to which she replied I acted entitled and had some nerve to actually tell her how she should or shouldn't help me.

The thing is, unlike your SO, I'm not happy. My lack of sleep and my extreme late gaming hours are causing me to fall behind at college, and I am concerned over my health and my progress at college. My girl knows this, and I guess that is why she can't just accept seeing me online during ridiculous hours.

The told me she feels I'm not taking her seriously and that in her eyes a pat on the back and a "everything will be alright" won't help me. She believes she needs to be strict with me on this because that's maybe not what I want, but it is what I need, or so she believes.

Edit: And to be fair, I did ask for her support, I just didn't realize this is how she would support me. But I guess this was to be expected, as she is a very to-the-point girl that likes to tackle problems at the root quickly and effectively, she's not the one to sugarcoat things.

My SO is not happy about it either. He would love to be able to sleep soundly, and has tried lots Of options to be able to fall asleep faster/better. However, he is happier to play a game than lay there for hours awake.

If you want her to support you, tell her what kind of support you need. Don't blame her for making you lie, you chose to do that. Instead tell her you need her to support you. To listen when you are tired. And to understand what you are going through, rather than mother you

[nottheprincesspeach]

Yeah, you're right. And that is exactly the reason why I lied to her on both times. I just didn't want conflict and I knew that was what I would get if I would tell her the truth. Of course I made a mistake and by lying I created even greater conflict.


However, I don't know how to tell her this. I already tried to tell her that I didn't like her methods of helping me, that I thought she was acting like my mother, to which she replied I acted entitled and had some nerve to actually tell her how she should or shouldn't help me.

The thing is, unlike your SO, I'm not happy. My lack of sleep and my extreme late gaming hours are causing me to fall behind at college, and I am concerned over my health and my progress at college. My girl knows this, and I guess that is why she can't just accept seeing me online during ridiculous hours.

The told me she feels I'm not taking her seriously and that in her eyes a pat on the back and a "everything will be alright" won't help me. She believes she needs to be strict with me on this because that's maybe not what I want, but it is what I need, or so she believes.

Edit: And to be fair, I did ask for her support, I just didn't realize this is how she would support me. But I guess this was to be expected, as she is a very to-the-point girl that likes to tackle problems at the root quickly and effectively, she's not the one to sugarcoat things.

I'm going to get into some tough love her. My ex had this problem and when I tried to help we had these problems of me feeling like I was being his mom and him resenting it. This is the kind of thing that works best if you talk it out with a doctor and start healthy sleep and bed time habits. It is not easy. I've been there in college. It required me unplugging earlier. Getting up regardless of how tired I was. Not taking naps at inappropriate times, setting up a good nighttime routine. None of that is stuff she can help you with. This is the kind of thing that she can only provide encouragement for. Not really "fix".

[Luc]

I'm going to get into some tough love her. My ex had this problem and when I tried to help we had these problems of me feeling like I was being his mom and him resenting it. This is the kind of thing that works best if you talk it out with a doctor and start healthy sleep and bed time habits. It is not easy. I've been there in college. It required me unplugging earlier. Getting up regardless of how tired I was. Not taking naps at inappropriate times, setting up a good nighttime routine. None of that is stuff she can help you with. This is the kind of thing that she can only provide encouragement for. Not really "fix".

Yeah, I came to the same conclusion earlier and told her this. I also visited my doctor and he gave me pills to fall asleep, but those don't really seem to be helping much. However, my SO told me that everytime I log on to GW2 at ridiculous hours she feels defeated, she feels I'm not really trying hard enough to fix my own problem and therefor she feels her support and advice is futile.

"You just do whatever you want regardless of what is best for you and regardless of the advice I give to you, so yeah, I get irritated." is what she said.

[nottheprincesspeach]

Yeah, I came to the same conclusion earlier and told her this. I also visited my doctor and he gave me pills to fall asleep, but those don't really seem to be helping much. However, my SO told me that everytime I log on to GW2 at ridiculous hours she feels defeated, she feels I'm not really trying hard enough to fix my own problem and therefor she feels her support and advice is futile.

"You just do whatever you want regardless of what is best for you and regardless of the advice I give to you, so yeah, I get irritated." is what she said.

Yeah, I found the sleeping pills didn't really help unless I did the other things. Doctors want to medicate too often instead of dealing with the actual problem. Another thing I had to do was working on clearing my head. I found a meditation app helped me learn deep breathing and relaxation. Sorry you weren't asking for this, I just had a hard time with this.

It seems to me she feels like you aren't listening and considering what she says, but also doesn't understand that ultimately it is your decision. If you feel the need to play GW2 and do your daily stuff as part of your sleep routine to clear your mind, that is fine. She needs to give you time to figure this out as it is not an easy fix that takes a long time.

[Luc]

Yeah, I found the sleeping pills didn't really help unless I did the other things. Doctors want to medicate too often instead of dealing with the actual problem. Another thing I had to do was working on clearing my head. I found a meditation app helped me learn deep breathing and relaxation. Sorry you weren't asking for this, I just had a hard time with this.

It seems to me she feels like you aren't listening and considering what she says, but also doesn't understand that ultimately it is your decision. If you feel the need to play GW2 and do your daily stuff as part of your sleep routine to clear your mind, that is fine. She needs to give you time to figure this out as it is not an easy fix that takes a long time.

True. The thing is though, and she keeps hammering on that, is that I had this almost fixed at one point. I've been able to go for a month or so without logging on on Guild Wars 2 at all. But for some reason I slipped back, but now she's constantly saying "Don't act as if you need to get on GW2 in the middle of the night, because we both know that isn't true. We both know you managed to stay off Guild Wars 2 before, so if you could do it before, you can do it again. The way I see it, the only reason why you slipped back is because you allowed it to happen. You got back on GW2 in the night willingly, that was a choice you made, and now because of that you're all the way back to zero."

[Florann]

If she does break up over something this small... then she'll be the one to regret it later. I feel she's being unreasonably harsh towards you. Lying is never good, but this was more of a white lie than anything. I can kind of relate to your situation and the only way to break this chain is to be upright, understanding and respectful towards her and express your own feelings in a calm manner. Good luck, I hope she'll not be too childish! (that's how she comes across to me in her behaviour described)

EDIT: I do like to say that it seems that she really cares about you in her own way. You should tell her that you'd appreciate that.

[nottheprincesspeach]

True. The thing is though, and she keeps hammering on that, is that I had this almost fixed at one point. I've been able to go for a month or so without logging on on Guild Wars 2 at all. But for some reason I slipped back, but now she's constantly saying "Don't act as if you need to get on GW2 in the middle of the night, because we both know that isn't true. We both know you managed to stay off Guild Wars 2 before, so if you could do it before, you can do it again. The way I see it, the only reason why you slipped back is because you allowed it to happen. You got back on GW2 in the night willingly, that was a choice you made, and now because of that you're all the way back to zero."

Everyone slides back on behavior like this. Is there anyway you could compromise the behavior but perhaps playing GW2 earlier in the night at a more reasonable time. I find compromise is easier than absolute change in behavior. I would ask her for more patience and understanding.