I lied to my SO, she found out, what to do now?

[Hollandia]

!. You did lie and that was wrong and kinda sneaky so she has a right to be upset about that.

2. She is way overboard telling you when and when not you should be sleeping and you need to be a MAN and tell her that. My SO goes through phrases where he pushes off sleep to game when he has work or school but he is a grown damn man, and as much as I hate it, if I said that to him he would tell me that he has a mom already.

3. Find another realm or game to play when you are tempted to jump on that one, you are acting like a stalker. She wants some space with her gaming and it sounds like you are suffocating her.

4. Own what you did, talk about it open and honest when neither is upset and move on.

[Luc]

Okay, so I had a talk with my SO on Skype. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

The good news is that she doesn't want to break up with me. But she does want to take a break from me, until I have fixed my sleeping issues. She said she doesn't want to deal with my issues anymore at all and she will distance herself from me until I have fixed my stuff.

To be honest, I feel I was being pushed around by her and she keeps using the fact that I lied to her against me in a way that she thinks this gives her the right to determine the terms from how we're gonna go on from now and I just have to accept it. It's either her way or the highway basically. She will give me the freedom to fix my issues however I want, and if I feel like I should be on Guild Wars 2 at nights, then by all means I should do that. But she is not going to bother with me until I've shown her that I can do this and fix my shit on my own.

I get the feeling she doesn't at all want to meet me halfway with this. I said I need her support to fix this, but all she said is "well I gave you my support before and look where that got us". I said I hope we can get this relationship to work again, and she says "well in order to get this relationship to work again you need to fix your issues". She also says she doesn't wanna hear anything about my issues anymore unless it's good news (as in, that I show improvement). She also won't get on Skype anymore every single day, only when she feels like it, which is not often right now.

I don't think she's being 100% fair here. Yes, I lied to her, but does that give her the right to take all the power in our relationship and completely determine the terms and I just have to accept it or piss off? Cause that's how it feels like to me.

Edit: I also laid down my concern that we no longer play video-games together anymore, and that I miss that. She brushed it off as something ridiculous and that it's something I just have to deal with. She said: "Right now I only have 3 hours a day to spend time with you. During those 3 hours I really don't want to play Guild Wars 2 with you, cause I think we can spend our times better ways. Right now, the afternoon is reserved for you, and then I want to focus on you and talking with you, not playing a video-game. The night is reserved for alone time, and that's when I want to play video-games."
I guess I understand where she's coming from, but again I find it unfair that again she doesn't want to meet me halfway here. I suggested to just occasionally play a video-game together instead of Skyping with webcam, but she said "I'm not going to play a video-game when I don't feel like it, which is most of the time when we're skyping and I rather just talk with you and see you. You'll just have to deal with that."

[Luc]

you are acting like a stalker.

Okay, you're the second person saying this. And I really don't get this. Can someone please explain to me why or how I'm supposedly acting like a stalker? It's not like I'm secretly following her nor do I force her to play with me. In fact it's the very reason why I put my status on 'invisible' the second time I slipped up, it's because I wanted to play alone and clear my mind. How does that make me a stalker?

[dglynn77]

Okay, so I had a talk with my SO on Skype. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

The good news is that she doesn't want to break up with me. But she does want to take a break from me, until I have fixed my sleeping issues. She said she doesn't want to deal with my issues anymore at all and she will distance herself from me until I have fixed my stuff.

This would be a HUGE deal breaker for me. If you are thinking this girl is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, stop right now. A real SO will be there for you through your issues. It is why they are your person. Anyone can walk away when you are having a hard time. A true friend wouldn't.

She seems like a bossy control freak, so I'd take advantage of this "break" she wants to figure out if she is what you really want.

My SO was hit in the head by a tree branch and almost died one week after we got engaged. I was with him, for better or worse, not knowing if he would recover back to his normal self or not. I'm not bragging on myself at all, but to need a break from someone because of a sleep problem, I'd be doubting if it were true love or not. Don't sell yourself short.

[Luc]

This would be a HUGE deal breaker for me. If you are thinking this girl is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, stop right now. A real SO will be there for you through your issues. It is why they are your person. Anyone can walk away when you are having a hard time. A true friend wouldn't.

The reason she doesn't want to deal with my problem anymore is because she feels I keep throwing her help back in her face by doing what I want (getting on GW2 instead of staying in bed and trying to sleep). The fact that I even lied to her ever this was the final drop for her, and she no longer wants to support me with my issue because she feels it doesn't help, I only throw it back in her face and she also knows I can do it on my own. She kind tried to talk this right by saying "I know you are strong enough to do this, and I know you can do this on your own, without my help, cause my help wasn't even really helping anyway cause you didn't even do what I advised you to do, so I really don't see why I should still bother with helping you."

[Moon]

The more I read, and I do realize I'm only reading your side of things, the more I think this really might not be the girl for you. Honestly, she sounds like a huge bitch, sorry. Anyway, it seems that the both of you have completely different needs in a relationship, and that never works in the long run. She needs someone she can control and dominate, and you need someone who is a bit extra supportive, but not demanding, maybe more kind than usual? I'm sorry, really, but those don't seem at all compatible. I think you should use this break time to really rethink what you're doing here. Sometimes you can love the totally wrong person, it's a learning experience, but never turns into that healthy, rewarding relationship you're looking for.

You're a 25 year old man, the beauty of that is YOU get to choose what to do with your time. You can eat ice cream for breakfast, drink until you can't talk anymore, leave your dishes in the sink, and even play games late at night. Nobody has the right to tell you otherwise, at least not til you get married Good luck, you have some thinking to do.

[piratemama]

The more I read, and I do realize I'm only reading your side of things, the more I think this really might not be the girl for you. Honestly, she sounds like a huge bitch, sorry. Anyway, it seems that the both of you have completely different needs in a relationship, and that never works in the long run. She needs someone she can control and dominate, and you need someone who is a bit extra supportive, but not demanding, maybe more kind than usual? I'm sorry, really, but those don't seem at all compatible. I think you should use this break time to really rethink what you're doing here. Sometimes you can love the totally wrong person, it's a learning experience, but never turns into that healthy, rewarding relationship you're looking for.

You're a 25 year old man, the beauty of that is YOU get to choose what to do with your time. You can eat ice cream for breakfast, drink until you can't talk anymore, leave your dishes in the sink, and even play games late at night. Nobody has the right to tell you otherwise, at least not til you get married Good luck, you have some thinking to do.

I really agree with this. You are a man with a right to do what you want. However, I'd like to add that I understand the stalking comments. It's not that you are truly stalking, but it seems that way when you know she doesn't want you on the same game as her. It's like if I worked at Starbuck's and had broken up with my SO and he kept coming in there. I'd certainly ask him not to do so. When he continued to keep coming in there, it would irritate me to no end.

On the other hand, I wonder why she is so upset that you are on the game at certain times? It seems like she might be hiding something. It is a huge red flag.

It's not good that she doesn't want to support you more now either.

I'm sorry you are having all this happen to you.

[Luc]

This would be a HUGE deal breaker for me. If you are thinking this girl is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, stop right now. A real SO will be there for you through your issues. It is why they are your person. Anyone can walk away when you are having a hard time. A true friend wouldn't.

She seems like a bossy control freak, so I'd take advantage of this "break" she wants to figure out if she is what you really want.

My SO was hit in the head by a tree branch and almost died one week after we got engaged. I was with him, for better or worse, not knowing if he would recover back to his normal self or not. I'm not bragging on myself at all, but to need a break from someone because of a sleep problem, I'd be doubting if it were true love or not. Don't sell yourself short.

Fair point. I just told her this. We had a huge discussion and eventually the real issue came up. She still hasn't forgiven me for what I've done, and she needs space for herself to reflect on us and find it in herself to forgive me.

To which I finally sort-of put my foot down and turned things around my way, by saying: "Well in that case arguing about our relationship is useless because we won't be going anywhere until you have forgiven me. You need to forgive me first before we can move on with our relationship. So I will stop talking to you and give you the space you want until you have forgiven me."

I hope I did right by saying this.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Okay, so I had a talk with my SO on Skype. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

The good news is that she doesn't want to break up with me. But she does want to take a break from me, until I have fixed my sleeping issues. She said she doesn't want to deal with my issues anymore at all and she will distance herself from me until I have fixed my stuff.

To be honest, I feel I was being pushed around by her and she keeps using the fact that I lied to her against me in a way that she thinks this gives her the right to determine the terms from how we're gonna go on from now and I just have to accept it. It's either her way or the highway basically. She will give me the freedom to fix my issues however I want, and if I feel like I should be on Guild Wars 2 at nights, then by all means I should do that. But she is not going to bother with me until I've shown her that I can do this and fix my shit on my own.

I get the feeling she doesn't at all want to meet me halfway with this. I said I need her support to fix this, but all she said is "well I gave you my support before and look where that got us". I said I hope we can get this relationship to work again, and she says "well in order to get this relationship to work again you need to fix your issues". She also says she doesn't wanna hear anything about my issues anymore unless it's good news (as in, that I show improvement). She also won't get on Skype anymore every single day, only when she feels like it, which is not often right now.

I don't think she's being 100% fair here. Yes, I lied to her, but does that give her the right to take all the power in our relationship and completely determine the terms and I just have to accept it or piss off? Cause that's how it feels like to me.

Edit: I also laid down my concern that we no longer play video-games together anymore, and that I miss that. She brushed it off as something ridiculous and that it's something I just have to deal with. She said: "Right now I only have 3 hours a day to spend time with you. During those 3 hours I really don't want to play Guild Wars 2 with you, cause I think we can spend our times better ways. Right now, the afternoon is reserved for you, and then I want to focus on you and talking with you, not playing a video-game. The night is reserved for alone time, and that's when I want to play video-games."
I guess I understand where she's coming from, but again I find it unfair that again she doesn't want to meet me halfway here. I suggested to just occasionally play a video-game together instead of Skyping with webcam, but she said "I'm not going to play a video-game when I don't feel like it, which is most of the time when we're skyping and I rather just talk with you and see you. You'll just have to deal with that."

It does sound like she has some power issues, control issues that she needs to work on. So I can see why you feel like she is pushing you. My SO has made it clear to me that it doesn't work for me to push or pressure him, and he also said we both have control issues that we need to be aware of and keep under control. He has a code phrase if I get too pushy: Pressure, pressure. Then I know it's time to back off a bit.

I do see her point about the video games. If she wants some alone time to play the game at night, let her. And if she would rather spend Skype time just talking with you on cam, without gaming, there's nothing wrong with that, either. That means she wants some time with you without distractions or interruptions. Some of us here would love to have that with our SO. In my case, we don't have Skype much, and often we get interrupted and distracted by his job. It seems you could, together, come up with a compromise, so you will be able to have Skype time AND game time together. Maybe alternate the time between the two activities, or go half and half.

[piratemama]

Fair point. I just told her this. We had a huge discussion and eventually the real issue came up. She still hasn't forgiven me for what I've done, and she needs space for herself to reflect on us and find it in herself to forgive me.

To which I finally sort-of put my foot down and turned things around my way, by saying: "Well in that case arguing about our relationship is useless because we won't be going anywhere until you have forgiven me. You need to forgive me first before we can move on with our relationship. So I will stop talking to you and give you the space you want until you have forgiven me."

I hope I did right by saying this.

I think she needs to apologize to you, too, for being so controlling and hateful.

[Luc]

I think she needs to apologize to you, too, for being so controlling and hateful.

Maybe I gave that impression with my posts about this, but I honestly don't think she's hateful. About her being controlling, yeah I guess that's true. But I don't think she needs to apologize for that, instead I should man the hell up and just not let her control me anymore. I'm kinda letting it happen in a way.


All this is starting to make me doubt if this girl is indeed my life partner. At one point I thought she was marriage material, we have so much in common and we agree on a lot of things, we are often very much on the same page. But sometimes our personalities do clash. She is indeed a dominant woman, and usually I can deal with that and stand my ground regardless of her dominant behavior, but when I feel weak and vulnerable (like now), she basically can steamroll all over me. I guess it is on me to either man up and not let her, or find a new SO.

[Ahava]

Good luck with what ever way you decide to go about this.

[TwoThree]

I'm not usually one to post "dump them" in threads, but... While your girlfriend does have some valid points (especially the lying) she sounds like a good old-fashioned tyrant. Seriously. As Moon said, you seem really incompatible.

[Rugger]

Um I'm sorry but your girlfriend needs to get a life. You are a grown man and have free will to decide when to go to bed and when to play video games. I agree with Moon and TwoThree. This is not going to get better for you ever. It's time to move on.

[Hollandia]

You were acting like a stalker because you pretended to not really be there until she showed and and then you did not tell her had been there and but yet jumped on when she came online and let's face it. You were hoping she would show up. This is a stalker-ish thing to do. That's like going to the bar you know someone hangs out at because they go though at certain times and then claiming you just wanted a drink and liked that bar, only worse you hid from her so she did not see you there to make sure she still came in and then popped out once she was. If you really just want to play a game alone then I suggest you start one where she is not involved. Or in the above scenario go to a different bar. She wants her alone gaming time too and you know this but you said it yourself, you want to play with her and she does not. I have to agree, it sounds very incompatible.

I also agree that when someone has an illness or disorder and you love them, you don't take a break from them. You support them and try to help them. She sounds very selfish and for that alone I would say goodbye. She also does not sound all that invested in the two of you. When you deeply love someone you want to do things with them. My SO loves his alone gaming time but he also makes time to play other games with me because he loves me and he knows it makes me happy. Your SO only seems to care about what makes her happy. Love is not a one way street. Her treating you like this is most likely not going to help your sleep problem either, it will make it worse.