I lied to my SO, she found out, what to do now?

[snow]

Maybe it's just me and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't get the impression that she is being controlling..

I feel like she is making a point. She tried to help you through your sleeping issues, by talking to you and sending you to bed early (maybe even thinking that it was her that kept you up) and offered help that you didn't like or didn't want to consider, so she feels like there is nothing she can really do. Why waste words and actions on someone who is gonna toss them aside anyway? I kind of understand her.

I would probably be mad aswell, if my man asked me for advice and wanted help from me, but would constantly do what he wanted disregarding what I said. It would make me feel like I am just wasting time that I could spend on doing other things.

But I do think she should try to meet you halfway, when it comes to spending your free time with each other. Wanting to spend all time skyping with each other is great, but it needs two to do that. You said you can skype and play at the same time, maybe offer that? This way you could spend some of the time playing and some skyping. I haven't played Guild Wars 2 yet, but I take it there is times where you could look over at your screen and talk to her for a bit?

Good luck to the both of you. I hope you can work things out.

[nottheprincesspeach]

Maybe it's just me and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't get the impression that she is being controlling..

I feel like she is making a point. She tried to help you through your sleeping issues, by talking to you and sending you to bed early (maybe even thinking that it was her that kept you up) and offered help that you didn't like or didn't want to consider, so she feels like there is nothing she can really do. Why waste words and actions on someone who is gonna toss them aside anyway? I kind of understand her.

I would probably be mad aswell, if my man asked me for advice and wanted help from me, but would constantly do what he wanted disregarding what I said. It would make me feel like I am just wasting time that I could spend on doing other things.

But I do think she should try to meet you halfway, when it comes to spending your free time with each other. Wanting to spend all time skyping with each other is great, but it needs two to do that. You said you can skype and play at the same time, maybe offer that? This way you could spend some of the time playing and some skyping. I haven't played Guild Wars 2 yet, but I take it there is times where you could look over at your screen and talk to her for a bit?

Good luck to the both of you. I hope you can work things out.

While I agree that she may not be as controlling as people are depicting her to be I disagree about the ignoring advice thing. My SO and I talk about things a lot. I offer my advice, but he often does his own thing. While I find this slightly annoying, I don't get upset with him when he doesn't. I may reiterate and find other ways to talk about it with him, but eventually when he just doesn't want to take my advice I ask him to explain why then let it go. Ultimately it is his decision. There is a certain amount of understanding that needs to be had. Also from what OP and I discussed earlier I think that she was misunderstanding the issue because he wasn't communicating the real reason he couldn't sleep. He hasn't had the opportunity to play with her anymore because she couldn't do the early morning session they normally had. I think if they could work this out he would better be able to go to sleep at the end of their conversations like she wants him to.

He can't play with her while skyping because her internet can't handle it. It would take some other form of compromise which she doesn't seem open to. She seems to just want to wash her hands of it instead of talking through the situation. At least from what I have heard from his side of things, it seems like she offered advice and wanted things done a certain way and would consider that it could be worked out another way or there was another issue to be addressed.

[Kanga]

Maybe it's just me and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't get the impression that she is being controlling..

I feel like she is making a point. She tried to help you through your sleeping issues, by talking to you and sending you to bed early (maybe even thinking that it was her that kept you up) and offered help that you didn't like or didn't want to consider, so she feels like there is nothing she can really do. Why waste words and actions on someone who is gonna toss them aside anyway? I kind of understand her.

I would probably be mad aswell, if my man asked me for advice and wanted help from me, but would constantly do what he wanted disregarding what I said. It would make me feel like I am just wasting time that I could spend on doing other things.

But I do think she should try to meet you halfway, when it comes to spending your free time with each other. Wanting to spend all time skyping with each other is great, but it needs two to do that. You said you can skype and play at the same time, maybe offer that? This way you could spend some of the time playing and some skyping. I haven't played Guild Wars 2 yet, but I take it there is times where you could look over at your screen and talk to her for a bit?

Good luck to the both of you. I hope you can work things out.

No, I actually agree with you. I don't get a control vibe.

She's probably frustrated because you ask for help, she tries to help, and you disregard.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[snow]

He can't play with her while skyping because her internet can't handle it. It would take some other form of compromise which she doesn't seem open to. She seems to just want to wash her hands of it instead of talking through the situation. At least from what I have heard from his side of things, it seems like she offered advice and wanted things done a certain way and would consider that it could be worked out another way or there was another issue to be addressed.

I actually meant that they skype and he is the one playing, because playing seems not as important to her.

[nottheprincesspeach]

OH, snow now I got you, that makes sense. Although I'd understand if they would feel like that would be distracting his attention. Though that would be a decent compromise as well.

[kikidee]

Maybe it's just me and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't get the impression that she is being controlling..

I feel like she is making a point. She tried to help you through your sleeping issues, by talking to you and sending you to bed early (maybe even thinking that it was her that kept you up) and offered help that you didn't like or didn't want to consider, so she feels like there is nothing she can really do. Why waste words and actions on someone who is gonna toss them aside anyway? I kind of understand her.

I would probably be mad aswell, if my man asked me for advice and wanted help from me, but would constantly do what he wanted disregarding what I said. It would make me feel like I am just wasting time that I could spend on doing other things.

But I do think she should try to meet you halfway, when it comes to spending your free time with each other. Wanting to spend all time skyping with each other is great, but it needs two to do that. You said you can skype and play at the same time, maybe offer that? This way you could spend some of the time playing and some skyping. I haven't played Guild Wars 2 yet, but I take it there is times where you could look over at your screen and talk to her for a bit?

Good luck to the both of you. I hope you can work things out.

I get what you're saying, but she's making a way bigger deal out of the whole "lying" aspect than the ignoring her advice. Plus it isn't just advice to her, she was giving a command. So sorry but she still is controlling as crap in my eyes.

[snow]

Because lying is a huge deal to her. Her values are set this way and I can relate it to what happened with my man.
When we were still at the very beginning of our relationship I changed my status to invisible once while his internet wasn't working well enough to play, so he wouldn't see I was playing, while he couldn't. We said our goodnights, he went to bed, but he came back, because he couldn't sleep and was furious when he found out I did that. So I know how she feels, I have been through the same. Lying IS a big thing, especially while you are still figuring things out. It's like I said, you expect your SO not to lie to you and when they do you have to find it in your heart to forgive them and trust that they won't lie about bigger things.

And she probably makes a huge deal out of this lie, because it is ultimately connected with the sleeping issue. She tried to help, but he had to lie to work his way around it.

I'm not saying he should accept that she doesn't want to back down, because this is not how a relationship is supposed to be. I think she needs time to forgive and go on.

[Agathiel]

She seems to be a really dominant person with a strong personality. From your descriptions, I conclude that she believes that she can impose things on you and it's enough if she wants, or doesn't want something, to finish discussion and close all possibilities for negotiations. Words like: "you have to deal with that", period, don't give any space for negotiations in my opinion.

It's difficult to make a relationship work ,if only one person decides about the majority of the things. I don't know if this happens in more areas of your relationship. So maybe think about the proportion of decisions you can make or where you can meet halfway.

Also, it seems to me like she treats your "unfixed" issues like her personal goal, in which she can either succeed or fail. But the thing is, it's your goal. So if you won't achieve it, it can be only a failure for you if you decide to view it this way. Couples can and should motivate each other to achieve things, but even if you did ask for help, you don't have to agree for help that makes you feel uncomfortable. Because there are many ways of helping. Some are gentle, some are moderate, some totally unacceptable.

You said that it's quite possible that your attitude allows her to be like this towards you. It may be true, in my opinion, certain attitudes sometimes "allow" others to behave in particular ways towards us, but it doesn't mean that we are really "guilty". So it's probably a good thing to observe for you, to see a pattern, and maybe start to stand your ground.

In the end, I don't want to make totally false assumption, but I wonder is it maybe possible that there is some other reason than your "unfixed" issues and lying about status in game that is causing so much problem? Could it be just some exaggerated on purpose reason that she uses to distance you because of something else? Again, I don't want to accuse her of anything. It's just something to think about. I don't know her personality, but I do know that people sometimes do it. And then the situation looks ridiculous because the reason is totally different.

[Hollandia]

I don't see it as this one was right or this one was wrong. I think they both have done things wrong and should own them. He lied and kinda stalked her but ultimately she told him she cannot deal with his sleep disorder. I had an eating disorder before and while I had no SO at that time, if I had, I would have wanted his help to work through it. Panic attacks are hell too, my next question is well.............what can she deal with...... does he need to be perfect for her to be with him?

If the tables were turned is he willing to be there for her? You need to be able to work through stuff as a couple and if you cannot then you don't stand a chance. Both parties need to accept and understand that.

[Luc]

Maybe it's just me and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't get the impression that she is being controlling..

I feel like she is making a point. She tried to help you through your sleeping issues, by talking to you and sending you to bed early (maybe even thinking that it was her that kept you up) and offered help that you didn't like or didn't want to consider, so she feels like there is nothing she can really do. Why waste words and actions on someone who is gonna toss them aside anyway? I kind of understand her.

I would probably be mad aswell, if my man asked me for advice and wanted help from me, but would constantly do what he wanted disregarding what I said. It would make me feel like I am just wasting time that I could spend on doing other things.

But I do think she should try to meet you halfway, when it comes to spending your free time with each other.

I've been thinking things through once more, I actually agree with you Snow.

I think my SO isn't a controlling person in general, she only becomes that way when she feels that things are getting out of control. She saw my sleep issues getting out of control (because honestly, they where), at which point she tried to take control in a way because she believed that's what I needed and that would help me. Even though her methods might have been questionable, she clearly meant well.

She also told me that to her a lie is a lie, and especially in a relationship she just has absolute zero tolerance for lying. While I have a different stance on lying and don't think every lie is equal, I understand her opinion and respect it. Therefor I will never lie to her again, not even lies that in my own eyes are small white lies.

My behavior made her feel powerless, defeated even, or that's what she said today (she and I talked once again for a short bit). She was deeply hurt and so she desperately tried to take control over the situation as a defense mechanism. It's why she acted so controlling when I tried to apologize and make up with her.

I understand why she behaved the way she did, but I did feel her behavior and her whole "lets have a break" idea is what's driving us apart right now, and not helping our relationship one bit. I told her that in a calm and neutral way, and while her first response was aggressive and defensive, she later realized I was right, and so she finally calmed down and told me she just needs a few days to collect herself, then she will approach me again to work things out and get our relationship back on track. I found this a reasonable request, and so I will give her those few days. I will not contact her at all in those days, until she contacts me. It's going to be difficult because there is still so much I want to talk about with her, but it will have to wait. I guess in the meantime I will be able to focus on myself as well, which is what I will do.


To be honest, I don't think she and I are a incomparable, so I don't agree with the break-up suggestions. I think she and I are very compatible and we both are exactly what we need. With her strong and dominant personality she turns me into a more assertive person, cause that's what I need to be around her and I feel that when I pull it off successfully she feels really comfortable and happy. While my calm and diplomatic personality makes her see things from a different angle and I feel that my personality forces her to reflect more on herself and her own behavior, and that allows her to change herself for the better. In the end we both are becoming better people because of each other, that's how I feel, and isn't that a beautiful thing?

While she is obviously quite stubborn, as long as I stand my ground but in a clearly calm and diplomatic way, she will eventually see reason and eventually she will be willing to meet me halfway. This is also the case with us no longer playing video-games. She said she will consider playing video-games with me again once in a while (instead of video-calling, cause she can't do both at the same time), if that is what makes me happy.

While things looked pretty bleak yesterday, I honestly feel positive and optimistic now. I feel we got this and this is going to turn out alright. I'm seriously relieved. Despite all this, I love her a lot and I don't want to give up on her, not yet.

[snow]

Good. I hope you two can work things out!

[Atreyu]

Hey! Another Dutchie.

Anyways: It's such a relief that things are looking up again so far. It sounds like your SO does want to fight for you and she does seem a bit controlling, but that must be her personality and like you mentioned, it also helps you in a way. It's great you both can help each other because you are so different, you can definitely learn from each other and in my opinion, it's a very good relationship, because you complete each other.

I hope things will stay this way and of course there will be struggles again (in every relationship shit happens), but you now approached it very well and just approach those situations with this diplomatic attitude and I'm sure you can survive the bad days.

Good luck en geniet ervan

[Luc]

Guys I know it only has been 5 days since she and I completely stopped talking, but I have to say that I'm already starting to feel anxious about all this. It just doesn't feel right to me. I get that she wanted space and I gave her that space, but 5 days of completely absolutely zero communication just doesn't feel right to me. I just don't see how this would fix anything...

On top of all that I notice she is on Guild Wars 2 a lot these past 5 days, more so than usual. I don't play a lot myself right now, but when I do log on, I always see her online as well. I'm not sure if playing GW2 with her friends is her way of sorting things out, but I find it weird.

Am I over thinking this? Am I looking too deep into this? What feeling do you guys get from this?

[ethelynn]

I am not sure if you are over thinking, but being the one who has to wait is awful. You should keep yourself as busy as possible to give you less time to think about the situation. Less chances of you over thinking or making any mistakes based on your fear and anxiety. Feeling not right can just be about your fear. I've had that several times. Just not knowing what is coming, the uncertainity can make one very paranoid. Just try to be as calm and busy as possible! I really hope she'll contact you soon!

[snow]

No communication whatsoever? That is not taking space, that is shutting you out!

If I was in your situation, I would have probably told her when I got home and when I went to bed and I would have expected the same, because let's face it: If you were together right now, living in the same apartment, she would come home and you would see her coming home / you would come home and she would see you come home. Same with going to bed. What you do between those times is not really important, because if she needs space she shall have space.