my so and my birthday...

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well!

Well, yesterday was my 20th birthday. I'm no longer a teenager...it's weird but not at the same time haha...next year I'll be twenty one!
Crazy!

Well, yesterday my SO slept practically all day...and I know he was tired...and he lives away from me, and he is three hours ahead, but it was my birthday....
I guess I'm just bummed because we have been together for just about 8 months and I kind of thought he would talk to me more...
At around 3 am text me happy birthday, then called him around 10 am and he wanted to sleep more, then I called again at 1:00 and he still was sleeping, then finally called after my afternoon class at three and he grunted a hello and fell asleep on the phone...he is three hours ahead of me and so that was 6 pm his time....

I was a little sad and upset...I mean he is my boyfriend, even if he lives far away....he bought me a gift, but it woont be here for three more days...and yesterday he got and opened the St. Patrick's day box I sent him...

He admitted to feeling like a butthead for sleeping all day and not having my gift delivered on time...and I didn't want to make him feel bad, but today I'm still bummed out about it...
If it were his birthday I would be awake all day even if he were busy just in case he wanted to chat...but all of my friends are gone at college...and y family was all very busy yesterday....
I guess I just expected him to be there for me to text to make me feel special..


Is it bad that I feel this way?
I just wish it went differently....I even had to buy my own little personal birthday cake...ha...

[piratemama]

No you aren't bad at all. It's perfectly normal to want special attention on your birthday. He did say he felt like a butthead, so maybe he learned his lesson. I'm sorry your birthday didn't turn out well. I've never had good birthdays either. Some people simply aren't good at remembering occasions, but that doesn't help you feel better. You are definitely right to expect him to make some effort for you. I know you didn't ask for advice, but I would recommend you talk openly with him about your needs at special occasions. Just remember to use "I felt" rather than "you made me."

Happy belated birthday. I'm so sorry it was a disappointing one.

[Agathiel]

I agree with Piratemama. I am also wondering that if it wasn't just a coincidence that he had a bad day, maybe birthdays are not so much valued in his family? My SO, for example, told me that he would never get any presents for his birthday and that he wasnt "taught" to celebrate it as a special occasion. I don't know if this could be the case with your boyfriend, but this is just the thing that I thought is worth sharing.
Anyway, I am glad to read that he understood that it was important for you and that he sent you a gift. I hope you will be happy when you open your present! And of course I also wish you happy birthday!

[squeeker]

Happy (late) Birthday! My SO's birthday is this Saturday! Though he doesn't like to make a big deal about birthdays because in the past he hasn't had good experiences with them and age is a sensitive topic for him, long story.

I think it's a good sign he felt bad about it.. maybe he really wanted to talk to you and thought he would be able to but has been working a lot or studying a lot lately and was trying to do too much and thought he could handle it but it just so happened that on your birthday he kept staying asleep or falling asleep at the worst times. He did text you a bit and has a present on the way to you, so it's not like he doesn't care. And I second Piratemama about talking to him about what YOU feel about it and that you like to celebrate birthdays and would have liked to talk to him more. But just remember not to put the blame on him or he will likely feel attacked.

I hope you had a good birthday regardless of not talking to him much. Don't worry, it is normal to feel like that.. you are in your first year of your relationship, so it's likely the first birthday he's known you for and so he maybe didn't realize how much you were expecting to talk to him.. or he didn't realize how tired he would be.

[blueorchid1]

I think it's a good sign he felt bad about it.. maybe he really wanted to talk to you and thought he would be able to but has been working a lot or studying a lot lately and was trying to do too much and thought he could handle it but it just so happened that on your birthday he kept staying asleep or falling asleep at the worst times. He did text you a bit and has a present on the way to you, so it's not like he doesn't care. And I second Piratemama about talking to him about what YOU feel about it and that you like to celebrate birthdays and would have liked to talk to him more. But just remember not to put the blame on him or he will likely feel attacked.

I know it's a good sign that he felt bad, I mean I know he cares...but unfortunately he is in between jobs as of late, and he isn't attending school like I am. He just slept a lot...I mean he has been having some issues sleeping lately which makes me feel kind of mean for saying my " well it's my birthday I wish you hadn't slept.." Because I know his body needed it... And at the same time, he did say he felt bad and so I don't try to push the issue...I mean I think if I told him how I really felt I will just ale him feel even worse because he already knows it was important to me....


I'm not sure what his families views on birthdays are, but I know that they threw a big party for his 13 year old brother and his other brother too when he turned 16...

[squeeker]

I know it's a good sign that he felt bad, I mean I know he cares...but unfortunately he is in between jobs as of late, and he isn't attending school like I am. He just slept a lot...I mean he has been having some issues sleeping lately which makes me feel kind of mean for saying my " well it's my birthday I wish you hadn't slept.." Because I know his body needed it... And at the same time, he did say he felt bad and so I don't try to push the issue...I mean I think if I told him how I really felt I will just ale him feel even worse because he already knows it was important to me....


I'm not sure what his families views on birthdays are, but I know that they threw a big party for his 13 year old brother and his other brother too when he turned 16...

Yeah you are most likely right not to push the issue actually, thinking of it more.. if he already feels bad.. maybe try and talk to him about it later, in a few months.. and then leading up to your 21st birthday, maybe try and talk to him about doing something a bit more special, even if it's talking more. I can see how it's more frustrating since he isn't in school or work at the moment, so he should have so much time to talk to you. I guess his body chose the wrong day to catch up with sleep. Hopefully you will be able to talk more on another day? Like maybe the day you receive the gift he sent, you can talk to him, maybe show him how much you like it on skype or something. Though I think at least you should try and remind him about your birthday next year, the month before, and then bring it up here and there.. maybe in more obvious ways than you might have done this year so hopefully he will better plan out his time and wake up in time to talk to you!

[Irina_Linn]

at least he sent you a gift lol
when i was dating my ex in LDR i never got anything from him on my bdays and then finally after we broke up, i suddenly received a huge-ass bouquet of flowers
i'd say not to take it so close to heart.he did not forget and he did apologize.if he is caring in general and does not tend to forget stuff,then it should be ok

[youngisthan]

I know it feel bad when your expectations are not fulfill but i would suggest don't get upset just talk to him about it, say what you were feeling but after some days not now.

[FoxFight]

I can understand where you're coming from - him not having a job or school at the time, it's not exactly like he was too busy to put some effort into it. If your birthday is important to you and you had higher expectations, you should tell him that in a non-threatening way. That or you need to accept that he may never live up to your expectations or needs in this regard? What have you done for his birthday in the past? Is this normal for the two of you or have you changed your expectations and he is unaware of that?

Everyone has big dreams for their birthdays and they rarely materialize, but it does sound like it was a bit lazy on his part. He certainly could have at least made an effort while on the phone with you. Is there something going on with him that he feels the need to sleep so much or at such irregular hours? Maybe he's going through something and couldn't focus his energy on you. At any rate, allow yourself to process this and skip the petty things when you discuss it.

[Hollandia]

I have told this story on here before but my SO forgot mine last year. Then he made plans to go out with a friend from his work. It was too late for him to cancel when I skyped him hello while the guy was on his place to meet up and so he promised he would come home early and stay up late for my birthday. Well, he come home drunk and after 3 minutes of talking with him I told him I love you and goodnight. Shitty birthday full of tears. He felt like hell the next day and said he was quite sorry. I was really hurt and he heard the tears in my voice and that I had spent a few hours crying on my B-day over it but I dropped it. I was with him by his birthday and threw a party for him for his. Now, mine is coming around again and this time we are also together and he is taking me to a night out with his family and our friends to a swing, blues, jazz night. I can't wait and guess what, those tears from last year? A faded memory. Most likely your SO will NEVER forget again, I know my SO won't.

There would have been nothing to gain by getting into with him or your SO. As long as he knows it was something that truly hurt your feelings and that you do consider birthdays important and expect him to spend time with you. It was pretty lame he did not order your gift in time, he should have at least sent an ecard that can be there instantly but some men rarely are as "good" at these things as women. They do get lazy. I have helped pick almost every gift for my Ex's family and friend's when we were together because "you are so much better at that type of stuff" ...he did not want to be bothered. My SO does the same thing too, "what should we get this person for their bday? They expect the women to handle this stuff and so get caught off guard when she is not around to do one for him such as hers.

It sounds like your SO is the same way. You just have to be open and talk about what certain holidays and birthdays mean to each other and how you each like to celebrate them. These things are a part of your lives and if you are going to sharing a life together then you should agree on how to share them together as well. You guys have not been together that long yet, by the next birthday things could be a world of difference.

[glasspaper]

I don't think it's bad that you feel that way, i know how it feels to not having your special one around on your birthday.
It maybe because i have had through the similar birthday situation like you, i posted that story in here also and thankfully this place has a lot of wonderful person with their awesome advices to help me out.
What i learned is to keep my expectation as low as i can on my SO, yes it maybe is your important moment in your life, but we never know what he gonna do or gonna say and sometimes it doesn't meet our expectation we created about him.
And when it happened, it hurts so bad.
I would say, cool yourself down and try to remember that he has been there for you and makes you smile this whole 8 months before your birthday, and isn't it wonderful?
Plus he got you a birthday gift, right? I think thats even great.
Maybe if you still bummed, you can talk to him, but keep in check that you have calm yourself first.
Happy belated birthday to you

[silvermoonfairy3]

My birthday is December 26, so it's pretty much never special. :P

I agree that it's good that he felt a little bad, because he knows it's important to you and that probably means he'll try harder next time. But he did get the gift, so that's good. I know it's a little disappointing, but hopefully you can kinda make some peace with it and have a better go next time.

Happy birthday

[blueorchid1]

Thanks so Mich everyone for your advice!
It's now been about a week since my birthday, and my SO found out that the post office sent my gifts to the wrong state!
So now it's kind of a guessing game for when it will arrive for me.

I talked with my SO about how I was feeling. Although, I waited a few days and thought it over before we talked.
I explained that I wasnt mad, nor did i expect a marching band or something fantascitcally large event. I did tell him that I never considered whether or not his family celebrates birthdays, and that because my family does make a deal of it that my feelings were just a little hurt.

Anyway, we talked it out and I'm opening back up bit by bit and he's helping me out ha