Hi all! I'm new around here, so I know this is long but I thought I'd give a touch of background....
My SO and I have been together in the same city for about 2 years (with a bit of a break). Lots of relationship ambivalence on his part in the beginning that resulted in a bit of a break for him to work on some personal issues... though he wasn't actually able to maintain distance or no contact (despite me leaving him alone), which resulted in him finally realizing he was being silly and we got back together again. This time around, things were just better than ever. We were back on for about 6 months when he flew back home with me for Christmas and met my family and all my oldest friends. Everything was stabilizing and was fantastic. We were both finally feeling really confident in everything and super in love and excited about our future.
A week after we got back, he was offered a job about 6 hours away. It was for a four month contract, though there was the potential for him to extend for another 4 months. I knew one of the reasons he was stressed about being in a relationship was that his chosen field is extremely unstable, and long-term employment in one city is quite rare. He always expressed that one of his concerns over being in a serious relationship was that his career was so unstable he feared he wouldn't have enough mental bandwidth to devote to a relationship while dealing with constant job stress and relocation. Fortunately, the company he's going to is one of the few places that actually offers this type of stable employment, and we both really saw this job opportunity as a boon for our relationship despite how far away it was.
In the couple months leading up to his departure, we went through everything - how we were planning to manage the distance, what our long-term plans were, how we'd close the distance. We really reached a good understanding, and when the day finally came I was confident we were on the same page. He repeatedly assured me he wanted to make this work, and that this was the most important relationship he's ever been in.
I helped him move up there last weekend. He started on Monday... and by Thursday they not only extended his contract, but implied that they would like to keep him permanently. This really threw me for a loop. On the one hand- Yay stable employment at dream company! On the other hand - this is putting me in a position in which I will now have to chose between my life here and being with him.
We discussed this and I expressed all of my concerns - I got pretty emotional. We discussed what would have to happen now in order to close the distance, and he started stressing out about how his decision to stay there is exactly what he always feared - that it's just adding a bunch of stress and complications to both our lives. That's when he threw me a curve ball... that now that he's at his dream company, with opportunities he never thought he'd be able to have... he doesn't feel like it's a good time for him to be in a relationship, especially a long distance one. He reminded me that he always felt uncertain about a serious relationship but just loved me so much he kept pushing himself to work through his commitment-phobia. He felt like he had really overcome it, and thought it was in the past until he moved up there, and now it's coming back stronger than he anticipated. He caveated all this by saying he still didn't want to end things, that I am way too important to him. He expressed his intense fear that he'll be too immersed in everything to be able to give me the attention he thinks I'll need. He says he is still committed to working through it, but needless to say - he hasn't instilled much confidence in me, and I'm getting concerned.
Leading up to his move, even just two weeks ago - he very plainly expressed how he was looking forward to this job specifically because he wanted to finally be in a more stable place for my sake. Now that he's there it's a completely different story. He feels that telling me this is just being honest, while I of course am a bit hurt and surprised. It's just such a huge reversal from just two weeks ago when he was here.
The conversation ended on a good note, and he's booking a flight to come back in two weeks when we'll talk more in person. I just hope we can work things out.
I'm currently trying to just back off and give him some space, but it's killing me. For the past two years we've told each other everything about what's going on in our lives, and spent so much of our time together. Now he's going through some really big and exciting things and I am just feeling shut out of all of it
We've been exceptional communicators for the past few years and have worked through a whole bunch of difficult things, and I'm hoping we can get through this too. I'm just really hoping that this is just a period of adjustment to his new job. He's just so overwhelmed with disbelief over the fact that he actually has his dream job, and I hope he's just over-thinking things. Crossing my fingers that when the dust settles and the moving van actually cools down a bit things will settle down.
Has anyone else experienced their SO suddenly flip once they've moved away?
My SO and I have been together in the same city for about 2 years (with a bit of a break). Lots of relationship ambivalence on his part in the beginning that resulted in a bit of a break for him to work on some personal issues... though he wasn't actually able to maintain distance or no contact (despite me leaving him alone), which resulted in him finally realizing he was being silly and we got back together again. This time around, things were just better than ever. We were back on for about 6 months when he flew back home with me for Christmas and met my family and all my oldest friends. Everything was stabilizing and was fantastic. We were both finally feeling really confident in everything and super in love and excited about our future.
A week after we got back, he was offered a job about 6 hours away. It was for a four month contract, though there was the potential for him to extend for another 4 months. I knew one of the reasons he was stressed about being in a relationship was that his chosen field is extremely unstable, and long-term employment in one city is quite rare. He always expressed that one of his concerns over being in a serious relationship was that his career was so unstable he feared he wouldn't have enough mental bandwidth to devote to a relationship while dealing with constant job stress and relocation. Fortunately, the company he's going to is one of the few places that actually offers this type of stable employment, and we both really saw this job opportunity as a boon for our relationship despite how far away it was.
In the couple months leading up to his departure, we went through everything - how we were planning to manage the distance, what our long-term plans were, how we'd close the distance. We really reached a good understanding, and when the day finally came I was confident we were on the same page. He repeatedly assured me he wanted to make this work, and that this was the most important relationship he's ever been in.
I helped him move up there last weekend. He started on Monday... and by Thursday they not only extended his contract, but implied that they would like to keep him permanently. This really threw me for a loop. On the one hand- Yay stable employment at dream company! On the other hand - this is putting me in a position in which I will now have to chose between my life here and being with him.
We discussed this and I expressed all of my concerns - I got pretty emotional. We discussed what would have to happen now in order to close the distance, and he started stressing out about how his decision to stay there is exactly what he always feared - that it's just adding a bunch of stress and complications to both our lives. That's when he threw me a curve ball... that now that he's at his dream company, with opportunities he never thought he'd be able to have... he doesn't feel like it's a good time for him to be in a relationship, especially a long distance one. He reminded me that he always felt uncertain about a serious relationship but just loved me so much he kept pushing himself to work through his commitment-phobia. He felt like he had really overcome it, and thought it was in the past until he moved up there, and now it's coming back stronger than he anticipated. He caveated all this by saying he still didn't want to end things, that I am way too important to him. He expressed his intense fear that he'll be too immersed in everything to be able to give me the attention he thinks I'll need. He says he is still committed to working through it, but needless to say - he hasn't instilled much confidence in me, and I'm getting concerned.
Leading up to his move, even just two weeks ago - he very plainly expressed how he was looking forward to this job specifically because he wanted to finally be in a more stable place for my sake. Now that he's there it's a completely different story. He feels that telling me this is just being honest, while I of course am a bit hurt and surprised. It's just such a huge reversal from just two weeks ago when he was here.
The conversation ended on a good note, and he's booking a flight to come back in two weeks when we'll talk more in person. I just hope we can work things out.
I'm currently trying to just back off and give him some space, but it's killing me. For the past two years we've told each other everything about what's going on in our lives, and spent so much of our time together. Now he's going through some really big and exciting things and I am just feeling shut out of all of it
We've been exceptional communicators for the past few years and have worked through a whole bunch of difficult things, and I'm hoping we can get through this too. I'm just really hoping that this is just a period of adjustment to his new job. He's just so overwhelmed with disbelief over the fact that he actually has his dream job, and I hope he's just over-thinking things. Crossing my fingers that when the dust settles and the moving van actually cools down a bit things will settle down.
Has anyone else experienced their SO suddenly flip once they've moved away?
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