I want to feel sexy!

[FromTheHeart]

So I need some advice...

My boyfriend is amazing and I love him so much. Recently, I've been feeling really insecure about myself. I am 24, but I have a very youthful appearance...a lot of people guess me to be 12-15 years old. I know some people may think looking younger then your age is a good thing..but I am a woman now and I get tired of being looked at as a little girl!

My boyfriend says I am cute often...but he doesn't really tell me I look sexy or hot. There is nothing wrong with cute...but it just makes me feel like a little girl or teenager. When I ask him if I am sexy, he says "you are"....but it's not the same. Sometimes, I wish he would just tell me I look sexy! I want to feel his passion and attraction to me. He is very good to me and has not really done anything wrong, but I feel frustrated.

I know I shouldn't rely on him to feel sexy, but it would help boost my confidence

My question is: How can I talk to him about this without sounding ungrateful for how good he treats me..I don't want to sound picky or demanding or make him feel bad that he doesn't make me feel sexy.

Thanks in advance!

[kittyo9]

Sometimes when I'd like my SO to do something that's kind of weird to talk about, I just say, "You should ____ " in a lighthearted manner. It leaves room for discussion if needed but otherwise gets the point across that I want something and I'd like him to do it. So, in this case, I'd say to him something like, "You should tell me when you think I look sexy." and maybe add in at the end, "It would make me feel good to know when I turn you on." He is usually more than happy to comply and likes when I tell him things I like. If he disagrees, we can then talk about it and come to an understanding about it afterwards. We're very open with each other, though, so I understand if saying something like that might come across differently in someone else's relationship.

[FromTheHeart]

Sometimes when I'd like my SO to do something that's kind of weird to talk about, I just say, "You should ____ " in a lighthearted manner. It leaves room for discussion if needed but otherwise gets the point across that I want something and I'd like him to do it. So, in this case, I'd say to him something like, "You should tell me when you think I look sexy." and maybe add in at the end, "It would make me feel good to know when I turn you on." He is usually more than happy to comply and likes when I tell him things I like. If he disagrees, we can then talk about it and come to an understanding about it afterwards. We're very open with each other, though, so I understand if saying something like that might come across differently in someone else's relationship.

Thanks for your reply! Maybe I should just not take it so serious and be playful about it. I know he has been busy and under a lot of pressure..plus we have a 7 hour time difference and he goes to bed early..I don't want to sound insensitive and demanding about wanting him to call me sexy...

[melarie]

Sometimes when I'd like my SO to do something that's kind of weird to talk about, I just say, "You should ____ " in a lighthearted manner. It leaves room for discussion if needed but otherwise gets the point across that I want something and I'd like him to do it. So, in this case, I'd say to him something like, "You should tell me when you think I look sexy." and maybe add in at the end, "It would make me feel good to know when I turn you on." He is usually more than happy to comply and likes when I tell him things I like. If he disagrees, we can then talk about it and come to an understanding about it afterwards. We're very open with each other, though, so I understand if saying something like that might come across differently in someone else's relationship.

I pretty much agree with this, but my relationship is also very open about these things.

If you're not as comfortable saying something like that, you could put on something extra sexy - something not easily described as cute - and see if he says anything. If he doesn't, don't be afraid to prompt him. Just a simple "How do I look?" or "what do you think of my outfit?" would do it. And personally, I don't think it's too picky or demanding to want to feel like a woman. I mean, who doesn't? I like being called cute and all, but if it was the only thing I ever heard, I'd definitely feel the same as you.

[piratemama]

It's perfectly normal for you to want your SO to think you are sexy. It's really hard to feel sexual toward another unless we feel wanted and desirable, too. One thing my SO and I do a lot is talk. We talk about everything. We have asked many questions about every topic to get to know each other. I'll often ask a question then answer it, then he does the same. You could ask him what you do that makes him feel sexy, then you could share what he does to make you feel sexy. Next, you could ask if there were something else you could do to make him feel sexier and know he is desired. Then, you get to share the same! It's in an open and fun environment that, hopefully, comes after asking several easy questions to get the conversation moving. I think you could bring up most anything this way, as it doesn't put anybody on the spot.

Although I agree with most everything melarie said, I purposely avoid starting any sentence to my SO with "You should," "You shouldn't," or "You need." I read somewhere in a book about getting along with people that it is a way to set people on the defensive. I also had a guy once tell me not to tell him what he should do, because I didn't know. I got rid of him quick enough, but he had a valid point. It works to tell him what you need or how you feel. You could say something in general conversation like, "If you really want a hot woman, you have to make her feel sexy." It's good to lead into a talk about something like that by introducing an article you've read or something you heard on tv.

Good luck.

[Chillosaurus]

Shouldn't this feeling of being sexy come from your lovemaking or if you are currently seperated from the way you look at each other and talk dirty (about how it felt, when you kissed and ...)?
You can not do much about it. You can not tell anyone how they have to feel about you. You already realised that it has to come from him and him solely agreeing to that he thinks you are sexy, because he doesn't want to hurt/contradict you, does not help you further.
Don't try to make the guy responsible for your insecurities. That is something you might want to address from within yourself.

[differentcountries]

I will try to say this the nicest way; Since you have such a youthful appearence, and this attracts your man, I think "cute" to him IS sexy. Cuteness is your sexual appeal. You may get him to use the word sexy, but why not just go with his way of wording it? If you want, you can always go "details". I love the details game, and I often ask either of my men for it if I feel insecure. Basically, I just want them to tell me in very detailed ways why it is I am loved, or what is attractive about me and so on. It is like an instant love letter and feels very reassuring. The guy think it is fun, too. Of course, if the word sexy means the world to you, try to explain why and it might become easier for him to use it.

[snow]

Shouldn't this feeling of being sexy come from your lovemaking or if you are currently seperated from the way you look at each other and talk dirty (about how it felt, when you kissed and ...)?
You can not do much about it. You can not tell anyone how they have to feel about you. You already realised that it has to come from him and him solely agreeing to that he thinks you are sexy, because he doesn't want to hurt/contradict you, does not help you further.
Don't try to make the guy responsible for your insecurities. That is something you might want to address from within yourself.

You can feel sexy without actually having sex or talking about it. We all want to be sexy for our partner and want them to think we are sexy. Him not saying it, doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't feel this way. Your assumptions are not helpful at all.

To the OP: I totally understand that you want your partner to say that you are sexy! You don't just want to be "cute", especially when you try to look sexy. I would probably either bring it up and ask him if he thinks I am sexy or let him know that you're uncomfortable that you look younger than you are.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

I don't know how your SO's culture is, since I see he is from Hungary. I know that some men do not like to use the term sexy outside the bedroom, as they think of it as objectifying women and as degrading. I think if anything it is a respect thing. Being cute is definitely a compliment. I know you want to feel desired. I think most of us do, if not all of us. But, sometimes it's tough to change who someone is. I am also someone who looks much younger than their age, so I feel your frustration.

[Benni]

Oh my! I am very short/petite and have always looked waaaay younger than I am. And, I was called 'cute' until I was 40 years old. I, also, got tired of it.

I started thinking sexy thoughts/reading sexy books, buying sexy (yet decent) clothing, got to know my own body and what I liked (which also made me think sexy thoughts) and, over time, I began walking/talking with confidence about myself which gave off a sexy aura.

It takes time, but it worked.

[Chillosaurus]

You can feel sexy without actually having sex or talking about it. We all want to be sexy for our partner and want them to think we are sexy. Him not saying it, doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't feel this way. Your assumptions are not helpful at all.

I'm not assuming anything. (also I mentioned looking at oneanother as well, so I don't see a contradiction here...) I know that there are more ways to communicate than by words. We men are not always good with words and sometimes, as pointed out already, confused with what is 'correct' to say. Often, words (alone) are not a very honest way of communicating. This is exactly what I wanted to point out.
I guess FromTheHeart can decide herself, what is helpful to her situation.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I'm not assuming anything. (also I mentioned looking at oneanother as well, so I don't see a contradiction here...) I know that there are more ways to communicate than by words. We men are not always good with words and sometimes, as pointed out already, confused with what is 'correct' to say. Often, words (alone) are not a very honest way of communicating. This is exactly what I wanted to point out.
I guess FromTheHeart can decide herself, what is helpful to her situation.

My man knew just exactly what to say the second time we were on Skype video. I had put on short shorts and a tank top, and he looked at me for a minute, and then said, Look at yourself, Really look at yourself and try to see yourself through my eyes. You are a beautiful, sexy, desirable woman.

He is 12 years younger than I am, so you can imagine how that made this 60-something woman with long gray hair feel. And he has never stopped saying how sexy, beautiful, or desirable I am to him. Oh, and sometimes he says I'm cute too, with my silliness, flirtatiousness, playfulness, and giggles. And he loves my long legs.

[Benni]

He is 12 years younger than I am, so you can imagine how that made this 60-something woman with long gray hair feel. And he has never stopped saying how sexy, beautiful, or desirable I am to him. Oh, and sometimes he says I'm cute too, with my silliness, flirtatiousness, playfulness, and giggles. And he loves my long legs.

Ain't love grand? And, in our 60's, to have our men tell us we are sexy is icing on the cake.

[piratemama]

My man knew just exactly what to say the second time we were on Skype video. I had put on short shorts and a tank top, and he looked at me for a minute, and then said, Look at yourself, Really look at yourself and try to see yourself through my eyes. You are a beautiful, sexy, desirable woman.

He is 12 years younger than I am, so you can imagine how that made this 60-something woman with long gray hair feel. And he has never stopped saying how sexy, beautiful, or desirable I am to him. Oh, and sometimes he says I'm cute too, with my silliness, flirtatiousness, playfulness, and giggles. And he loves my long legs.

As another woman that is older than most of the females on the forum, I know what you and Benni mean about how good it can make us feel to be seen as sexy by our men. My SO is also really good about his compliments. He has a way of saying them in a real and detailed manner. He doesn't use only generalized comments. He'll say "you make that top look good," for example.

It is hard for me to believe sometimes that he can find me sexy or beautiful, as I've never been made to feel that way before. The Skype calls help with that, because I can see his eyes light up when he compliments me. His facial expression tells how it sees me, and he can make me feel wonderful.

I can imagine to miss all that with someone you love would be very painful. I long for my SO to accept me and desire me.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

As another woman that is older than most of the females on the forum, I know what you and Benni mean about how good it can make us feel to be seen as sexy by our men. My SO is also really good about his compliments. He has a way of saying them in a real and detailed manner. He doesn't use only generalized comments. He'll say "you make that top look good," for example.

It is hard for me to believe sometimes that he can find me sexy or beautiful, as I've never been made to feel that way before. The Skype calls help with that, because I can see his eyes light up when he compliments me. His facial expression tells how it sees me, and he can make me feel wonderful.

I can imagine to miss all that with someone you love would be very painful. I long for my SO to accept me and desire me.

He also said he could make a lot of money photographing me, and making me a model. Of course, I laughed about that, and told him I do this only for him. I remember how much fun that night was, because he kept trying to look down my shirt! And I could tell, even on Skype video that he was, and he said he was. And I felt so sexy, I started, after our call, to put on different sexy outfits, and try out sexy poses and set my phone on time shots and took lots of photos of myself and sent them to his mobile phone. He loved it!