Do you feel you put in more effort than your SO?

[peppypenguin]

Does anyone feel there is a difference in how much you and your SO are putting into the relationship? I don't really mean communication effort, we're really good at that and talk equally, make the effort to talk to each other equally, etc. But in terms of other things, like doing stuff together. Whenever I suggest things to my SO to do together like an online game, or watching a tv show together, playing a game, etc. I always feel like I'm bothering him. And being in a LDR there aren't many options for things to bond over/do together. I'm just feeling a little frustrated by this. Does anyone else ever feel like that? If you do what are some things you've tried to do to fix it?

[Elli]

I feel a little bit like you do. My boyfriend is very lovely and caring and we ralk every day. He takes the time although he is very busy with his job.
But i miss other things too.
I like making little surprises, writing letters and show him that i think of him on different levels, not only skype and texts and i think about stuff that i ciuld do for or with him alot. I don't get any back though.

I told him this before and he apologised and said he is too busy to do it. I know that but i also know that it doesn't take long to do little things for each other.
He said he would try harder but i don't know if it will change.

Is that a bit like your situation?

[peppypenguin]

That's basically exactly like my situation. I know he cares about me and loves me, but like you I try to do little things for me like writing letters or just ordering something small off of amazon or something to let him know I'm thinking of him or to remind him I care when he's having a bad week or a bad time. And while I know because I don't get those things back doesn't mean he doesn't care, it would be nice and would make me feel better in certain ways about us being apart.

Like you said, they may be busy but little things like that don't take a lot of time or effort. I'm sorry you are going through the same thing, I definitely understand.

[snow]

I used to try to fill every single minute with either conversation or an activity we could do together, like playing a game or skyping, because I feared if I didn't, he'd get bored of me. He seemed to be bothered by it, because he was! I put far too much pressure on him doing what I wanted to do that I didn't realize he needs time to relax and not doing anything.

So we had to find something that would give us the feeling of being together without doing the same thing at the same time. Our thing was and still is TeamSpeak - a free, low ressource requiring (which basically means you can leave it on while playing games and they won't be affected by it) voice chat program! It gives you the possibility to set up your own server on your computer that you can secure with a password so you can decide who joins it. For us it worked wonders. I turn on the server, when I come home from work and he joins when he comes home. Then we sit at our computers and both do what we want to do, but at the same time we talk to each other whenever we feel like it.

We made a compromise that when I want to play something or I feel like I need a little more attention from him, I simply ask him if he wants to do such and such and if he doesn't want to, he tells me and I respect that. He on the other hand will try to make some time for me, maybe not the same day, but then the next day, to give me the attention or do the thing I wanted to do.

[nottheprincesspeach]

I do these things. They aren't my SO's type of thing. He is also super busy. I just feel like guys aren't into doing these things because they've been told their whole life they are girly and to shut up about it. I mean, yes, it would be nice, and hopefully with some pushing we can get something. I totally get this. I think it is a gender thing at least in part.

[ldrxoxo]

I haven't had a boyfriend since 2007, but when trying to attempt a relationship with men in my town, I was the one who put in more efforts to make plans that fell through.
I would give them their spaces to see if they'd initiate anything but they never did so I didn't bother, either. After a while, I didn't care anymore and started looking abroad.

In my last real relationship in 2007, I suppose we did put in equal efforts when it did become a relationship. My ex in college invited me to his dorm functions and stuff and I would ask if he wanted to hang out wherever in town.

[Chillosaurus]

I feel like we are working as a team.
She does more cheesy girly things.
@nottheprincesspeach No, it is because men and women are different.
I make things possible, encourage her behaviour, make us do things spontaneously, transition from chat to skype...
We both do some little things, like for example when we encounter something reminding us of the other one, we would forward it.

[nottheprincesspeach]

I feel like we are working as a team.
She does more cheesy girly things.
@nottheprincesspeach No, it is because men and women are different.
I make things possible, encourage her behaviour, make us do things spontaneously, transition from chat to skype...
We both do some little things, like for example when we encounter something reminding us of the other one, we would forward it.

Most differences between men and women are societal, not biological. Some are biological. I do agree that he and I do different things. But in an LDR that can be exagerrated. I make him things and send him things, and that's not his type of thing. When we are together it is easier, he does more then it could be argued. And he does express himself in other ways. I'm just saying those "things" are things he's been told are girly and discouraged from doing his whole life. Therefore they aren't his things and he doesn't reciprocate them really, which can make it feel like there are periods when I am doing more.

[Chillosaurus]

Most differences between men and women are societal, not biological. [...]

You can't say that, without quoting reliable resource. There have been scientific studies disproving this to a high degree in Europe.
Sociological differences are related to biological differences.
- Back to topic.

[differentcountries]

If I truly felt I put in more effort than him, I would not like that at all. However, it is more a matter of being good at different things. I am good with words and I discovered I can be crafty, too. Also, I have way much more money than he has. That is why I make books for him and buy him gifts. He is very thoughtful with whatever he has. He always make sure I bring home Turkish food, sometimes he has gotten me gifts, too. Also, he is a good host for my visits, researching things we can do, asking people for favours etc. He always take so good care of me.

When online, we don't always want the same things. And he is not master over his environment, sometimes he wants the same as me but he can't. It is constantly exploring what can be done. Some is up to be because I have the means. I am also learning to know this guy, so sometimes I almost don't care what I want, I just want to feel him and how he is. I know he is turning his life around for me. He is finishing school and depending polyamory. Usually, if something means a lot to me, he will do it or at least explore the possibilities. I don't expect him to do stuff that is not for him.

Me and husband have a different dynamics than me and bf. My husband always write me love letters and I am better just at writing cards...Or just reading his letters. They are both more spontanious and I am more of a planner. So we are thoughtful in different ways.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I feel like we are working as a team.
She does more cheesy girly things.
@nottheprincesspeach No, it is because men and women are different.
I make things possible, encourage her behaviour, make us do things spontaneously, transition from chat to skype...
We both do some little things, like for example when we encounter something reminding us of the other one, we would forward it.

My SO does the same things as you. He is very spontaneous, encourages me to transition from chat to Skype, etc. I am more likely to plan special things for him, send him poems I've written for him, special e-cards or virtual flowers, even send him special photo albums. But he has never done that for me. Not one special e-card for special occasions. He is more likely to just say Happy Birthday, or whatever occasion it is, on my Facebook wall, along with my other friends, and then write a more loving note in inbox. But then, there are times he really gets crazy, and sends me 5 Valentines Day messages to inbox over 5 days, almost a whole week of Valentines messages. And I always get at least 4 special messages at Christmas and New Years...one of the perks of an International LDR, with our time differences, we get 2 Christmases and two New Years Days. So I really can't complain. He is romantic in his own way. I'm just more flowery and more verbal about it (I am the poet, after all).

And he does plan fun things, like watching sport events while talking on Skype. And he sends me photos where he is, and takes me with him on Skype, to his local mall, or other places he goes. So yeah, we are a good team, too.

[CanadianGirl]

You can't say that, without quoting reliable resource. There have been scientific studies disproving this to a high degree in Europe.
Sociological differences are related to biological differences.
- Back to topic.

I'd be interested in reading these if you've got links or names.

[piratemama]

Oh my gosh, this is something to think about. Overall, no, I don't put in more effort than my SO. When I first saw the question, that's what popped into my head. Then, I realized the answer is more complicated. In some ways, my SO puts in way more effort; in some ways, I put in more effort. We make a good fit, like Legos. My SO does more financially in the expenses of travel and gifts, and he makes more effort to find time for us to be together with his schedule usually being the most difficult to work around. However, I put in more effort trying to be creative and find ways for us to stay connected over the miles. I also put in more time with romantic gestures (love letters, poems, games) we can both enjoy. In other ways, the effort seems about the same. If he knows I want or need something, he will do anything to get it done. I try to do the same for him. Where I am weak in things of relationships, he is strong and vice versa. We balance each other. I don't have any complaints over effort, and I don't think he would either. He has said that I try too hard. I think he means that I don't have to earn his love. I really appreciate the efforts he makes.

[nottheprincesspeach]

You can't say that, without quoting reliable resource. There have been scientific studies disproving this to a high degree in Europe.
Sociological differences are related to biological differences.
- Back to topic.

Great job asking me to quote reliable resources without quoting any reliable resource of your own. There are numerous scientific and anthropological studies I am well versed in on both sides of the argument. I will concede that the differences are related, but that doesn't mean that the constructed gender roles that most Western societies have is a biological issue. Gender identities are really more of a spectrum, as is becoming more and more normal as times goes on with metrosexual men and the like. You absolutely cannot say all men and women are different, and their behavior is therefore different. That is simply not the case. We can continue to have our opinions on sex and gender and what causes them both. I say it is a mixture of biological and societal, but at least in the United States I would say much if it is societal. It is much easier for a man to argue that the difference is biological as he most often has the most to gain from it. Sorry for the derail, but you touched a nerve.

[Elli]

In some ways, my SO puts in way more effort; in some ways, I put in more effort. We make a good fit, like Legos.

I like what you said there. I guess I easily forget that even if he doesn't show his love in the same way I do it doesn't mean he doesn't show it.
He always makes time for me, to him it is natural that we talk every day and when I am down he puts alot of effort in cheering me up and making me smile. This is something I am not as good at because mostly I am just starting feeling down too when he is sad.

But sometimes I feel like since we don't have the chance to see each other because of the distance there should be something else, like a replacement for the things you do in a "normal" relationship. Just talking on skype once a day isn't enough for me. But to him it is, so I don't know how to explain him how I feel.
I don't want to force him to send me letters or think of little things to express his love - that wouldn't feel nice either obviously.

Maybe I am just bad at understanding him in this point because I love doing those things so much. It makes me happy to do something for him, maybe even happier than him.