Do you feel you put in more effort than your SO?

[silvermoonfairy3]

My grandmother used to say that she and my grandfather knew they were pretty even if they both felt like they were giving more than the other. :P

I know what you mean in the sense of wishing that your SO did some of the things like you do, as far as writing letters or other things, but some guys just aren't like that.

Several years ago, I tried to stop focusing on all the types of things I wished my partners would do, and tried to focus on appreciating what they DO do. Because I found that, most of the time, the guys I was dating were being sweet and thoughtful how they knew to show it, and how they wanted to show it, but that I'd been missing it a bit because I was looking for my preconceived ways to show it.

Are there ways your SO might be expressing his affection and doing sweet things that you're just kinda brushing off or not even really noticing?

I've sent my current SO countless cards and packages over our year and a half together, and I could count on one hand the number of times he's sent me things. But, he shows affection in other ways. My guy is a super broke recent-PhD student, so him spending money on things, pretty much any 'luxuries' can be a big deal. One time, he made a special trip to the store to pick up pizza when he knew I was gonna be eating pizza watching a sports game and wishing we could watch it together. He Skyped me and watched the game and ate pizza 'together.'
It's little things like that, not even so much in what it *was* but just that it meant he was thinking about me, and planning what he could, putting in effort.

Or, he'll walk me through some computer glitches and be my IT guy. Different guys show their affection in different ways. If you've talked to him and he's too busy and it's not really in his nature to do it, it's a question of whether you can deal with that, or if you're going to always feel like you're missing something, in which case you might just need a different 'type' of affectionate guy.

[Luc]

Okay I have to reconsider my answer on this question.

Do I feel I put more effort in my relationship than my SO? At first I said no, but being really honest and critical, I have to say that the real answer is a big, loud and confident; YES! And it's starting to irritate me.

I confronted my SO about this today. Ironically it was her who brought it up, saying that she gets the feeling that I think she doesn't put much effort into our relationship anymore. I answered that she was right, that I indeed feel that way. But instead of asking me about it and trying to work it out with me, she got super offended, told me I was being offensive and wrong and that I'm a bad person for not appreciating the effort she puts into our relationship, followed by the question "why are you even still with me if this is how you feel?". Then we ended up in a fight and now I'm seriously reconsidering my relationship with my SO...

Maybe I should make a separate thread about this to explain it more in detail and ask for advice, cause seriously, right now I'm really angry and I don't know what to do. I decided to give my SO the silent treatment for now (unless I see makes the first move and shows me that she wants to talk with me), but I honestly don't know whether I should break up or not. This has been our 5th fight in 1 month time and the 2nd large one where one of us decided to give the other the silent treatment...

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

My SO does the same things as you. He is very spontaneous, encourages me to transition from chat to Skype, etc. I am more likely to plan special things for him, send him poems I've written for him, special e-cards or virtual flowers, even send him special photo albums. But he has never done that for me. Not one special e-card for special occasions. He is more likely to just say Happy Birthday, or whatever occasion it is, on my Facebook wall, along with my other friends, and then write a more loving note in inbox. But then, there are times he really gets crazy, and sends me 5 Valentines Day messages to inbox over 5 days, almost a whole week of Valentines messages. And I always get at least 4 special messages at Christmas and New Years...one of the perks of an International LDR, with our time differences, we get 2 Christmases and two New Years Days. So I really can't complain. He is romantic in his own way. I'm just more flowery and more verbal about it (I am the poet, after all).

And he does plan fun things, like watching sport events while talking on Skype. And he sends me photos where he is, and takes me with him on Skype, to his local mall, or other places he goes. So yeah, we are a good team, too.

I am really glad I came back to this topic. I was in a blue mood, feeling sorry for myself. But coming back to this topic, and seeing what I wrote, and seeing that we are OK makes me feel better. I know he does what he can, and shows me his love in his own way, and that's all I need. He really does put a lot of effort into our relationship, just in different ways than I do.

I also realize that sometimes I am too clingy and too needy, and I know that drives him crazy sometimes. Sometimes he needs some alone time, or time to watch sport on TV, or hang out with his mates at his Football Club, or watch footy on the big screen TV at the local sport bar. He doesn't need me tagging along all the time.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

My grandmother used to say that she and my grandfather knew they were pretty even if they both felt like they were giving more than the other. :P

I know what you mean in the sense of wishing that your SO did some of the things like you do, as far as writing letters or other things, but some guys just aren't like that.

Several years ago, I tried to stop focusing on all the types of things I wished my partners would do, and tried to focus on appreciating what they DO do. Because I found that, most of the time, the guys I was dating were being sweet and thoughtful how they knew to show it, and how they wanted to show it, but that I'd been missing it a bit because I was looking for my preconceived ways to show it.

Are there ways your SO might be expressing his affection and doing sweet things that you're just kinda brushing off or not even really noticing?

I've sent my current SO countless cards and packages over our year and a half together, and I could count on one hand the number of times he's sent me things. But, he shows affection in other ways. My guy is a super broke recent-PhD student, so him spending money on things, pretty much any 'luxuries' can be a big deal. One time, he made a special trip to the store to pick up pizza when he knew I was gonna be eating pizza watching a sports game and wishing we could watch it together. He Skyped me and watched the game and ate pizza 'together.'
It's little things like that, not even so much in what it *was* but just that it meant he was thinking about me, and planning what he could, putting in effort.

Or, he'll walk me through some computer glitches and be my IT guy. Different guys show their affection in different ways. If you've talked to him and he's too busy and it's not really in his nature to do it, it's a question of whether you can deal with that, or if you're going to always feel like you're missing something, in which case you might just need a different 'type' of affectionate guy.

I agree, getting rid of my preconceived notions of what he "should" be doing, and noticing and appreciating his efforts and what he does are important. It also makes a difference if I stop comparing our relationship with that of others around me, or with my own past relationships, and just accept ours as it is...and that means accept that he isn't exactly like other men I have known, and that is fine! I'm not with other men, I'm with him, because he's the one my heart has chosen. He's the reason My Heart is in Australia.

[differentcountries]

Okay I have to reconsider my answer on this question.

Do I feel I put more effort in my relationship than my SO? At first I said no, but being really honest and critical, I have to say that the real answer is a big, loud and confident; YES! And it's starting to irritate me.

I confronted my SO about this today. Ironically it was her who brought it up, saying that she gets the feeling that I think she doesn't put much effort into our relationship anymore. I answered that she was right, that I indeed feel that way. But instead of asking me about it and trying to work it out with me, she got super offended, told me I was being offensive and wrong and that I'm a bad person for not appreciating the effort she puts into our relationship, followed by the question "why are you even still with me if this is how you feel?". Then we ended up in a fight and now I'm seriously reconsidering my relationship with my SO...

Maybe I should make a separate thread about this to explain it more in detail and ask for advice, cause seriously, right now I'm really angry and I don't know what to do. I decided to give my SO the silent treatment for now (unless I see makes the first move and shows me that she wants to talk with me), but I honestly don't know whether I should break up or not. This has been our 5th fight in 1 month time and the 2nd large one where one of us decided to give the other the silent treatment...

Those things are not easy to discuss! Perhaps she was hoping you would say no, even that you notice what she does.

I think the question of "more" is a bit misguided. It assumed that the other person knows that we want and prefer, and are choosing to either give us that or not. In reality, I feel, it is a bit more like stumbling in the dark with an umbrella. In the beginning, you have not idea what the other person likes, so you just go with your preferance (what would I like if someone did to me?), experience (what did others like I did to/for them in the past?) or intuition (a hunch on what he will enjoy). At times, you are spot on. At times, you are nowhere near. To know the difference, you have to do it a lot, and be curious and generous towards both of you. Try to laugh, even.

Don't give her the silent treatment! I know it is tempting, but it solves NOTHING. Talking is uncomfortable but at least you are probably saying something that is smart, or bonding. Or even saying, sorry but my brain is not working right now, that shows you know there should be better things coming when you have cooled down. Someone has to start talking again. Be the smart one that starts, and you have the chance to control the conversation.

The answer to your girlfriend's question is that you are with her because you love her and that she has given you lots of wonderful things during your time together. You are hoping she loves you too, and that the two of you can work together in solving this lack of safety you have felt lately, you would have liked to feel safe in that your love is returned. Perhaps too you would want to connect to her even more. If she agrees these are good values, the two of you can discuss how the strategy for that can work. You are hoping that this can also benifit her, because you belive she wants to feel valued, and probably she too wants to feel the safety of a returned love, or even safe in that you will continue your relationship. You will ask her how you can voice your worries in such a way that it is not offensive. Perhaps some words that you use set her off, and you are not aware of how that works. She lived a lifetime before you, and in childhood and growing up all sorts of stuff happened. Perhaps she has had bad experiences with being critisized by people who did not care for her, and now she wonders if you are ganging up with such people. Tell her that you realize you don't know her well enough yet, but that you are willing to learn. What does SHE need to feel truely loved? Ask her to show you. Take your time with this before bringing up again your wishes.

[Luc]

Those things are not easy to discuss! Perhaps she was hoping you would say no, even that you notice what she does.

I think the question of "more" is a bit misguided. It assumed that the other person knows that we want and prefer, and are choosing to either give us that or not. In reality, I feel, it is a bit more like stumbling in the dark with an umbrella. In the beginning, you have not idea what the other person likes, so you just go with your preferance (what would I like if someone did to me?), experience (what did others like I did to/for them in the past?) or intuition (a hunch on what he will enjoy). At times, you are spot on. At times, you are nowhere near. To know the difference, you have to do it a lot, and be curious and generous towards both of you. Try to laugh, even.

Don't give her the silent treatment! I know it is tempting, but it solves NOTHING. Talking is uncomfortable but at least you are probably saying something that is smart, or bonding. Or even saying, sorry but my brain is not working right now, that shows you know there should be better things coming when you have cooled down. Someone has to start talking again. Be the smart one that starts, and you have the chance to control the conversation.

The answer to your girlfriend's question is that you are with her because you love her and that she has given you lots of wonderful things during your time together. You are hoping she loves you too, and that the two of you can work together in solving this lack of safety you have felt lately, you would have liked to feel safe in that your love is returned. Perhaps too you would want to connect to her even more. If she agrees these are good values, the two of you can discuss how the strategy for that can work. You are hoping that this can also benifit her, because you belive she wants to feel valued, and probably she too wants to feel the safety of a returned love, or even safe in that you will continue your relationship. You will ask her how you can voice your worries in such a way that it is not offensive. Perhaps some words that you use set her off, and you are not aware of how that works. She lived a lifetime before you, and in childhood and growing up all sorts of stuff happened. Perhaps she has had bad experiences with being critisized by people who did not care for her, and now she wonders if you are ganging up with such people. Tell her that you realize you don't know her well enough yet, but that you are willing to learn. What does SHE need to feel truely loved? Ask her to show you. Take your time with this before bringing up again your wishes.

Thanks for this reply. This was really relevant and insightful. Even though the post you replied to is from two weeks ago, it's still very relevant right now, because we are still struggling with this very issue.

My girlfriend has a lot on her mind, and that distracts her from our relationship. The thing is, I also have a lot on my mind, more than her if I may say so, yet I'm still trying to put effort into our relationship and make her feel good every day. I feel like I'm not getting the same thing back. I try to make her feel better and get her through her problems, but she's not trying to make me feel good and get me through my problems at all. She also says she doesn't need my help, that she can fix her problems alone, that I should focus on my own problems. I get where she's coming from, but when I have something negative on my mind I want to share it with someone so I can get it out of my head. I want to share it with her, because she's the person closest to me and the person I love the most. And in return I want her to share what is on her mind with me. But she's not doing it, and at the same time I feel that she feels burdened by me sharing my concerns with her. I really don't know what to do about that. Accepting her terms and working in my issues alone, while letting her work on her issues alone, just isn't working for me. It feels like we're growing apart and that's the last thing I want.

Whenever I bring up my concerns, wishes and needs, whenever I tell her what I need from her, she takes it the wrong way. She either thinks I'm being needy, or she feels I'm telling her she's not good enough, or she feels that I'm only thinking about my own needs and not hers. She always replies with "but what about what I want? What about what I need?" It almost feels like she doesn't understand that I care about the needs of us BOTH. Just because I voice my own needs and tell her what I want obviously doesn't mean that I'm not concerned about her needs! I tried to tell her that. I tried to ask her about her needs. I tried to listen to her and see what I could do with what she asked of me, but right now, we have come at a point where her needs are completely clashing with mine. We both need something different right now and there is not really a middle-ground or a compromise to be made. She says she needs to be left alone for now, while I need her to open up to me, allow me to support her, and support me in return.

We've been doing it her way for more than a week now. I left her alone for a week and we haven't really talked during that week other than an occasional "hey, what's up?". It feels like we're not even having a relationship anymore! This is really not what I want and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. What should I do?

[xanzbarr]

I gave this thread some thought and came to the conclusion we both put effort into our relationship in different ways. He is working his tail off coming up with web designs to make money and while sometimes he is so busy I have a hard time getting a hold of him (never more than a day or so) He makes it clear it is all for us so we can be together, which may be happening soon as in next month( fingers and toes crossed!). I on the other hand am always there for him, raising his spirits,as he does mine also,letting him know how much i care and appreciate all he does. We both communicate honestly and well. We also have a standing Skype date every night unless for whatever reason one of us cant make it. We have a strong and solid relationship to which I attribute to good communication and caring.

[RedWhirlwind]

Sometimes I put more effort in and sometimes he does. It's not always going to be 50/50. We both work at recognizing each others' efforts and acknowledging them.

[youngisthan]

Yes, i do feel so every time but my SO do feel the same. I think each one of us feel like they are giving more effort than there loved ones ans yes it is true but we do feel this because each one don't give there efforts at same time when another one is giving. I hope i made my point clear and its not confusing you guys.