Not sure how to handle this

[TaraMarie]

So, my SO has a sister, Theresa. she is the only sibling left. The younger sister passed away. It's just my SO, Theresa and their mom. Theresa and I have had a good relationship....a very good relationship. However, Theresa is freaking nuts. She is an alcoholic and she does crazy things. She doesn't even drive her car without a shot glass and a bottle of vodka! She was a MAJOR issue when my SO was married to Dana. Dana and I have had many conversations about it...and Dana has warned me about Theresa and how she behaves. She's a liar and an addict...she has stolen prescription drugs from Dana when she and my SO were married, She's married to john, a police officer who was her dad's best friend, and they have a son, Jesse, who is three. John isn't the dad...Theresa won't say who the dad is....they married because she was pregnant. Johns been married three times...and is also an alcoholic. Just a little background so you can see what I am dealing with.

So, several times over the last year Theresa thought I "slighted" her in some way, shape or form. Her way of dealing with it is to call me up and attack me verbally. Each time. I did nothing wrong...it was her skewed, alcohol induced way of thinking. each time I "made up" with her because I don't want to cause a problem wit he family. I am very non-confrontational that way. (In 30 years I have never had a cross word with any of my inLaws). About a month ago she and I were chatting on the phone (this was when I was going through the issue with my SO about not moving here because the great job offer had come up in NY). Theresa told me that my SO wasn't going to move here anyway, and i shouldn't believe what he said. I hung up with her and immediately called him and told him what she said. He naturally texted her, and she denied even speaking to me, she said she had never called me . (I saw the text). She then called me up and started yelling at me and wanted to know why I told him she said that. She denied saying it to me, and hung up on me! I immediately called him back and told him that she had called again, and what she said. He texted her AGAIN and AGAIN she denied calling me and said. I was lying. Needless to say I haven't spoken to her since then. Three days ago I told him I wanted to call her and try to iron it out. She and their mom are very close, and I will be there in a few weeks and wool like to see their mom (Theresa is ALWAYS at their moms house). My SO said I shouldn't do it...I should just cut Theresa out of my life, and he was going to do the same, It wasn't worth the problem and Theresa had done the same thing to Dana when they were married. I told him I didn't want him to do that...that he needed to be in his nephews life. My SO was insistent that Theresa was nuts and he wanted no part of her...her husband was an alcoholic and Jesse is a demon child (he has always said that...and it's true!). I told him to do that if he wants but I would never ask him to do that.
On Saturday I called him and he had to call me back because he was on the phone with Theresa. Yesterday, he went to her house for dinner.
So here is my problem.
1. He told me he was cutting her out of his life and the next day he was on the phone with her....IMO, he lied to me.
2. If he has a relationship with her, we NEVER get to see his mom (who I adore), because Theresa is at her house every single day and he lives too far for his mom to drive to see him.
3. I offered to swallow my pride and call her to keep the peace....he told me not to do that. It seems like he wants to keep me away from his sister.
I have a trip there for Mother's Day weekend (also our anniversary), and I want to cancel it because if I am there he won't be able to see his mother on Mother's Day, and I don't want to be the cause of that.

Any advice how to handle. Sorry this is so long....thanks in advance.

[differentcountries]

That sounds difficult.

1. I am not sure it is realistic to ask him to break off with his sister.
2. I don't understand this... If she chooses to hang at their mother's house, what can you do about that?
3. I do think it is time you learn everything she says is probably a lie or something made up. Don't take her and her words seriously. She is obviously a cumpulsive lier and those people never admit to lying anyway. Your SO and you should get a game plan on how to handle her so that you don't get dragged into her drama. Perhaps it is better that SO deal with her alone. That is pretty much what I do with my brother-in-law, which I don't get along with.

[Jaac]

Wow, that's a difficult situation...
Good thing you numbered your questions

1. He told you he cut her out of his life, but he still phoned her the next day.
I would assume that, eventhough there's lots of histrory and he seemed like he was sure about his dicision, cutting your sister out of your life is the hardest
thing to do. The situation is maybe more difficult than you think. Maybe he just wanted to give her a chance to explain herself or to try and work things out.
Maybe he decided to call her and just did it without thinking about it. Without having the time to inform you, or explain to you why he wanted to talk to her, because
he didnt even know what he expected of that chat himself. I reckon he's just not so sure of the decision he's made yet. He's probably just struggeling.
2. The mom thing might be something you have to park somewhere in the back of your head. I assume his mom would want to see her son as much as he and you
would like to see her. There are probably more ways than you can think of right now to find a way to see his mom. I would wait with worrying about that
untill later.
3. Your last point was that you think he wants to keep you away from his sister. I think he's just trying to protect you from her crazyness. He doesn't even want to have
contact with her. Probaby for good reasons. Maybe he wants to spare you the drama.
He knows his sister better than you i guess... Maybe he knows this is the better thing to do. To wait till things have cooled off.

I would wait with any actions, like calling her, untill things have cooled off. If you give it a week (a couple of weeks?), everybody will have had time to think.
Maybe your SO knows what he really wants as well by then. Its a very tough thing to decide. Even if your sister is crazy like that, it's still your sister.

I hope this helped you a bit. Its a tough situation
Good luck!!

[80anthea]

Families can be a tough situation alone, families with an alcoholic in them are incredibly difficult.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper conversation with your SO about it. From what you've written it sounds like he's trying to keep you away from it as much as possible, I don't think there is any intent of harm with his lying about it, more a case of trying to protect you from it; alternatively he could just be harbouring great embarrassment towards his sister.


If I were you I wouldn't try and contact the sister without your SO there, if possible try and always deal with her together then she can't try and play you off against each other.

[piratemama]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm also afraid to give you my advice, but I will. Take it for what it's worth, but make your decision based on your own instincts. My divorce came from my ex-husband's family. Period. Nothing else. It's a long story, but his family was the reason. We had issues with a sister, too. I think this sister has some weird ideas about my ex-husband. She was always writing him letters about how much she loved him and how no one else could ever understand what they shared. When we would visit my MIL, this sister would make sure to sit by my ex-husband and keep me from him. She acted so jealous. Well, my ex-husband and I managed to keep it under control, because we lived in another state.

However, when my husband got sick, everything hit the fan. You wouldn't believe the grief that woman caused me. He is now living with that sister. He never, ever, no never, put me first.

Make sure to talk with your SO openly about your fears and concerns. Carefully confront him about the lying. You can't have this sister thinking he's conspiring with her against you. That attitude will only get worse. If you marry, he needs to protect you against all.

If you want to talk more about family, feel free to PM anytime. Good luck.

[TaraMarie]

Thanks for the replies. This happened well over a month ago. It's happened several times in the last. My SO and my brother were friends....that is how we met. My brother didn't agree with the relationship and cut my SO out of HIS life. My brother and I are great....we have no problem. I THINK my SO wants me to cut my BROTHER out of MY life. However, my brother is a normal, sane man. He blames my SO for my divorce, even though that was happening BEFORE I met my SO. I just hadn't shared it with anyone, so my brother didn't know.

Unfortunate, Theresa is freaking nuts. And because she has the only grandchild, and their mom is recently widowed and retired, mom spends every spare minute with Theresa and Jesse. Either at Theresa's house or Theresa is at her house. My SO is afraid he will not have a relationship with his mom (who I adore) if he has no relationship with his sister. Now don't get me wrong, I DO NOT want Theresa out of his life. With both of us losing a sister to cancer, I understand how important family is. I am PISSED because I offered to extend the olive branch, ONCE AGAin, to make his life easier and he told me that I wasn't to do that under any circumstances. Phew said his sister is nuts and he doesn't want her to affect our relationship...that Theresa was a main cause in his divorce from Dana. He also said he was not going to have in more contact with her....which I discouraged. However, I am mad that he didn't tell me he changed his mind. Am I wrong about that? I think part of me feels like he is picking her over me...although I really don't want him to have to pick a side. I am confused! Ugh!

[OperaDiva]

I think you need to take a deep breath and give him and yourself some space to think and calm down. Even if he says he wants to cut his sister out of his life it is not as easy as making a phone call, as people have said. This doesn't mean he has changed his mind, but it might take some time and there might be something going on with his other family - pressure, arguments, etc. You are doing the right thing in not taking their attack personally, being the bigger person and not putting him in the middle (because that might alienate him). You just need to be patient

[TaraMarie]

I think you need to take a deep breath and give him and yourself some space to think and calm down. Even if he says he wants to cut his sister out of his life it is not as easy as making a phone call, as people have said. This doesn't mean he has changed his mind, but it might take some time and there might be something going on with his other family - pressure, arguments, etc. You are doing the right thing in not taking their attack personally, being the bigger person and not putting him in the middle (because that might alienate him). You just need to be patient

Patience isn't my strong suit!

[OperaDiva]

Patience isn't my strong suit!

I'm right there with you ... It kills me that the only thing I can and have to do is wait! But I think the best thing you can do right now is focus on your own life, maybe go out or to the gym, or do something with your kids. Put your mind to something else so that you don't spend all your time thinking about this and making yourself crazy ... heh, I think I might have been talking to myself here

[TaraMarie]

So...I extended the olive branch to her on Thursday because I don't want to be a problem for the family. She got all freaking nuts again. It has now caused another problem with us. He said that at one point he hadn't seen his mother in a year because he and his sister got into a huge fight at his parents house and his dad took his sisters side and threw him out of the house. The dad is dead now, but everyone kowtows to Theresa. T hey enable her to behave this way. I told him he needs to grow a set and stop letting her control his life. He is so afraid he won't see his mother again. Now we haven't spoken in days and I am at t a loss. I don't understand this. If one of my siblings verbally attacked him (which they would never do), I would defend him. His sister has done this several times and he decides to stay out of it. He's behaving like a pansy and I am PISSED! He admits she was a huge problem in any relationship he has had. I think she is trying to stop home from moving away from her and her son. I am ready to throw my hands up and surrender!


FYI.. He had one screwed up childhood.....his grandmother, aunt and uncle took him away from his parents (the father allowed it and the mother wasn't allowed to say anything about it), and they kept him until he was 10. He didn't have to go to school, no rules at all...it was nuts. I always think of the book "flowers in the attic" when I think of this family. Totally messed up, and I know this is where his problems come from today......

[differentcountries]

So. It sounds that he didn't grow up with his sister. Could that be why he is afraid to confront her?

Anyway, could it be a solution to take his mother out for an outing and not invite his sister? There seem to be nothing you can to about the sister, so better to stay away.

[OperaDiva]

I am sorry to say this, but the only option I see for you is to back away. This is his problem and he has to solve it on his own, by drawing boundaries with his sister AND his mother (she may seem like the passive partner and he probably loves her, but she is responsible for a lot of this). Having a sibling that has made your life miserable is not something that can be solved by an outsider. You can only establish a relationship with his sister AFTER he has resolved his issues.

If I were you, I would send him a message. Tell him you love him and you support him, and that he needs to solve this. And you will be for him through this, but it has to be him. I know its hard, I am sorry you have to deal with it

[TaraMarie]

Well, he told me a little while ago that he went to talk to his mom last night and he told her that he was through with Theresa and her behavior and he wants nothing more to do with her. Her response "that's just Theresa"! Mom is an enabler, as the entire family has been. I don't get it. His mom is sad, but understands. How many relationships does theresa have to ruin until someone speaks up. I don't know how long he will stay away from her, but it won't be long enough in my opinion. Sunday is Easter....and this would be his first family holiday without his sister and his mother. Personally, I think he will break down and go to her house! However, Even HE DESCRIBES HER as evil. I thought people were overreacting when they told me that! Nope...it's true! She even told me she slept with my brother in high school. Now, my brother has NO REASON not to tell the truth. He swears up and down she's full of crap....but Theresa is adamant about it. I really think she is saying it because she's trying to get back at ME for being in a relationship with HER brother. I think she is obsessed with him! Does that sound odd?

[piratemama]

My ex-husband has a sister just like that. She seemed so jealous of me, like she was possessive of him. We had many issues because he never defended me when she attacked, and she attacked often. I don't think your SO will change without some help. Would he consider counseling with you? There are some that will do counseling online. I saw some threads on this forum about online premarital counseling, maybe you could do something over the family issues.

I'm sorry this crap is happening. If he is willing, it can work out. Don't give in, though. Set your boundaries and keep them firm. If you need to PM about family issues, feel free. Unfortunately, I've dealt with something similar.

[xanzbarr]

Tara Marie I have sent up prayers for you and your SO and the sister in question. I simply have not much advice for you because alcoholics dont make sense with most of the things they do and as long as she has been drinking there may be some dementia which has set in. The best thing I can say is avoid her to the best of your ability, take the MIL out with the two of you and get her away from the mess to spend time with her, and dont get too mad at your SO for communicating with his sister....getting away from her has to be his choice and hes probably at a loss as to what to do with this situation...especially since its his family and he grew up with at least some of it and has issues with his family he is confused about. Bless you and him and I hope the best solution makes itself apparent soon.