I guess I'd like to have some support...

[manon]

Hello everyone, I'm Manon, a 25-year-old French newbie on this website! My situation is a little complicated, I'm French but am doing a Master's degree in Italy where I met my boyfriend, who was a Brazilian exchange student there. We've started dating each other in December 2012, and our story has had to deal with a lot of difficulties already (he asked his university in Brazil to extend his exchange period, which he managed to do, allowing him to stay 6 more months) and some other problems...Which made us argue quite a lot but in the end always succeed in overcoming problems.

After dating 7 months, last june, I told him to move with me, which he did; for financial reasons but also because he was all the time at my place and still paid his rent!! The first month has been quite difficult, but that's normal I guess because we had to adapt each other to this new life, which we also did
He had to go back to Brazil to finish his studies 1 month ago so we both went back to france, at my place since I don't need to attend my university classes anymore, just have 1 exam to pass and the thesis to complete everything. He flew back to Brazil and I decided to spend some time in London to have a change of air. This first month has been tremendous for me and I've been experiencing all sorts of emotions.

He studies from 8 to 12 hours a day at his university and helps his father working during the weekend, goes to a friend's place once a week or so, so add that to the time difference and you get almost no time to speak / to skype. What I get is whatsapp messages, that's all.

I feel frustrated, sometimes want to tell him he doesn't deserve me (those are strong words but that's what comes to my mind) if he can't even find time to speak to me, sometimes feel our story is going nowhere, sometimes feel he doesn't give a shit because he doesn't want to find the time, and most of all, I guess I'm completely lost. I used to not trust him before, always waiting for the worst to come and doubting each time something wasn't clear enough for me. Obviously with distance, I had to cope with this lack of self confidence and trust in himself. I need a good quantity of affection and tenderness, which are obviously lacking since we're apart.

We don't manage to talk a lot lately, that's making me doubt about him, and about our whole lovestory

When I try to explain the situation, I get those answers. My best friend tells me to accept the situation or end it definitely. My roommates tell me he's brazilian and is surely having a good time humping other ladies. That I shouldn't be so naive. That I'm only 25 and still "dream"....
I'm abroad, far from family and friends and have remained too calm so far, I wonder how much time I'll endure the whole situation....

For you all who have more experience than me, and most of all who understand, I'm all ears to your advice!

Have a great week

[Jaac]

All LDRs are hard and difficult. Especially when you have lived together for a little while already.
My SO works a LOT as well. Sometimes from 7 am till 8 pm, 7 days a week.
When he gets off of work, he either goes to bed or goes for a bicycle ride and then goes to bed.
And there's the timedifference as well...
I would like to chat more often with him, and sometimes I don't understand how he can't find 10 minutes to talk to me.
But when I have my bright moments, I try to look at things from his point of view.
Some people just have busy lives. In your situation, he studies quite a lot, needs to help his dad and still needs to maintain his social life.
Some days there just isn't any time for chatting.
Emagine if you had to work all day, had to go here and there and go to friends afterwards.

Also, it's a new situation for you to be long distance. It;s only been a month.
You both need to get used to this situation.
Try and tell him that it's important to you that you share things with each other.
Maybe he's so busy, he's just not aware of the fact that you miss his attention.
Tell him about your worries.
Also, it might help to plan your time together. Like, have set skype times on sunday, chat for 20 minutes before he goes to bed (or whenever is best).

Talk to him and take some time to ajust to the situation.
And trust him If he tells you he's into you and is willing to make the relationship work, you have to trust him.

Good luck!!!

[squeeker]

I can see how you are struggling with this. I would struggle more if my SO was busier than he was now. Though he is working and saving up for your future, and you will just have to figure out your routine. Can you try scheduling Skype chats ahead of time, weekly or every other week, something manageable for both your schedules, but this way giving you a definite time where you will skype? Because I think skyping (or other video chatting software) is the next best thing to being there in person, even though there's not really a comparison!! You are only on one month of long distance, so it makes sense that you haven't figured out how to configure your schedules. He might also prefer to work a lot because it will keep him distracted from missing you. Also, depending on how well his job pays and his bills each month, he might be able to do well with saving for your future. It will probably be good for you to find more things to do, hobbies and such.. the more productive you are being as well the better you will probably feel.. though also make time for relaxing. It will be good for you to talk about your future as well, and just keep getting to know each other how and when you can. If your schedules keep clashing, it might even be easier to make videos when you both can, and send them to each other... which would work out better maybe if you each have breaks or downtime that don't align with each other.. and send each other pictures while you are out.. maybe send a package or something if you can and want to. There are plenty of ways to stay connected now.. but I know when one person is busy, that makes it so much harder. Just try and schedule time to have longer conversations and keep in touch with each other, and also keep busy and save up for a visit, whenever that may be.. remember that you will see each other again.. it is possible even if it seems impossible at times.. just keep talking and stay strong. Good luck

[manon]

Jaak, thank you for your answer. I'm "glad" or should I say relieved that you feel the same about the fact he can't/ doesn't want to find 10 minutes to talk. That's so little in a 24-hour day but so important to continue fighting, isn't it? I imagine that if I had busy days as his, I would find time while I do somehting else, like while my food is cooking or while I'm just out of the shower and need to dry! But maybe women are better at multitasking... it could be I keep on telling him that talking each 2 or 3 days is not enough for me, that I can have him so far but not talking so little... I've told him, nicely, gently, angrily, but everything continues, nothing changes... It makes me become indifferent, and once he sees that "he goes too far", he reacts... He shouldn't wait until I'm standing on the edge of the abyss... I sometimes feel he pushes my boundaries, really... The problem is that when I tell him I don't feel OK, that I miss him, that we don't speak enough, he blames me for complaining and always being so negative, always speaking about problems, and sometimes stops the conversation because he (and I quote) "already has enough problems to have me being a problem as well", he's not good at diplomacy and tells what he thinks, it's good to know he's honest but hurts at the same time... Any way, I'll really try to do what you told me, thanks again!

Squeeker, thanks for your answer. It goes straight to my heart... Unfortunately he is working /helping his father who rents a patio for parties each weekend so my SO doesn't get paid. I told him to "ask" for a symbolic amount, not like a real wage, but just a little something that he can save each week... When I tell him that, he answers "he's my father, he's raised me, I can't ask him money, I should be the one who help him, not the opposite"
At the beginning we did make appointments to talk on skype, it sometimes worked, sometimes not (the traffic, had to help someone, other "excuses"...)
Let's say since I've moved to London, it's impossible and we haven't been able once to make an appointment. It's like the fortune wheel, if I get lucky he's online at the same time than me...!

As far as the little thoughts and ideas are concerned, I am 100% involved, sending pictures of me, pictures of London where I am now, picture of each Brazilian thing I see, vocal messages, videos, even postcard. But the problem is I don't get much in return which gets me more frustrated and slows down my willingness to send things to him since I don't receive as much as I send. He's never been keen on little surprises and letters and stuff, and I've always told him that it would make me feel good to be positively surprised. It was ok when we were living together, but being apart, those expectations tend to rise... I hope you understand me.

What I'm not comfortable with is the idea that I'm "alone", almost "single". he's never here, hard to share my day with him, my thoughts, my desires... I hope it's just a matter of getting used to it, such as when we started living together. There are ups and downs in life... Hope the future will be better. Thanks again

[squeeker]

Hey you're welcome. Sorry I couldn't be of much more help. I feel your pain really.. I imagine it would be so much harder when he doesn't seem to be as involved. I get that he would feel awkward or bad asking his dad for money.. because it's family.. but when it takes up so much of his time that it's basically a job that he could theoretically go out and make money.. something would be nice.. some kind of "allowance" even though that sounds really childish.. or at least does his dad help him with things, like maybe since your SO helps him so much with the things that need doing, his dad can help cover the costs of a flight to see you and all those expenses. I think I know some people who work for their parent's company and I'm pretty sure they get paid.. but I do understand it would feel awkward to do it.. does he have another job then to get money or work all the time for his dad? Even if he just asked for a reduced wage, just so he could save up some money because it's not like he's just doing small household chores or something. :P

But I think it's something you will have to get used to. Though I really hope the communication gets better.. hopefully as he gets used to his schedule, he will find the time to be able to talk to you. I know my SO doesn't actually like surprises either and I suck at keeping secrets anyways so I can never really surprise him.. except maybe the content of a card, but I always end up saying I'm sending a card or whatever it is I'm sending.. then he can be on the lookout for it or tell his dad in case he isn't home when the mail comes and his dad is..

I also understand the horrible position of an LDR... I notice it most when I'm with other people who have their partners with them.. it's like halfway between single and in a relationship. I know I have a boyfriend but he can't be with me (Except sometimes I try to think of it like he's in my phone, which I always carry with me.. because his pictures are there and I can communicate with him via my phone). But it sucks especially when I've gone to weddings or something.. where there is an even bigger focus on relationships of course. Though most of the time I just try and focus on the fact I do have a boyfriend and I try and be happy for people who are with their partners. But my mood varies on the subject, and there's usually at least a little bit of jealousy that they get to be together and not us. :P

I really hope things settle down for you two as you get more used to being in an LDR and I hope he can find time to talk to you for longer than a few messages on Whatsapp. It can feel frustrating when it seems all one sided. Also having a plan for a next visit, even if it's more than a year away, can help, and you can focus on that.. but still I get your frustration.. I hope things change.. because having that communication is so helpful for surviving an LDR! Good luck

[manon]

Hi squeeker, and thanks again! It's good to talk to people who understand you...really! He finally decided to talk yesterday, we skyped for 2 hours!!!
I guess he started feeling that I was bored with his absence and the fact he never found time for us... So we've talked a lot, I was quite cold and distant, and when he feels uncomfortable or sees that I am not in a good mood, he starts joking or saying stupid things (which by the way make me feel like he doesn't understand the "gravity" of the situation or that he doesn't believe I almost reached the point of no return) But I know him, it's his instinctive reaction when he sees that something is wrong. He often says ""If I wasn't laughing I'd be crying, but better laugh!"
And he knows me as well, as I've told him I was thinking almost everyday to dump him and forget everything because lots of things in my life are not going really well (apart from our relationship), and he answered you know you think this because it's difficult and we don't speak a lot but that doesn't mean you don't love me. Which is also true.

Seeing my distance, he's finally reached to the conclusion and decision that we should meet each day at the same time, not very convenient for me because it is dinner time, but if he respects his promise, I'm ok to change my hours... To avoid that we stay several days without speaking, which make both of us crazy. I really hope he'll maintain his promise... I'll let you know Have a good day!

[differentcountries]

I think it is very usual for guys (and some girls) to treat seriousness or sadness as a problem that needs to be solved right away, or else they feel like a failure. I try to teach my SO we can find out what the problem is first, and then a solution may arise. And anyway sometimes it is good to just be sad or whatever together, because the hardest part is the loneliness that may come with a LDR, the ever nagging feeling of perhaps not being prioritized or cared for over the absence when you are not physically there.

Having a special time to Skype each day is very good. We usually Skype after his work, unless he has longer breakes when I am not working. Now when he is on "holiday" (staying with his family) it has been hard to fix Skype times because he gets dragged into all kinds of family stuff, including doing gardening work with his family, eating whenever they do and catering to all the visitors. What is almost as important as having a set Skype time, is having a system for updating changes to that plan. How will you let each other know if you can't Skype that day, or need to change the time? What apps/phone will you use if Skype fail that day?

[manon]

Hi differentcountries! The way he warns me if he cannot be there is usually via whatsapp, provided that he has an internet connexion... Sms and calls from Brazil to Europe, I quote, "are too expensive".
Btw he warned me tonight that he wouldn't have been able to skype with me as he had promised yesterday because he had to go to the lawyer and after to the university... On the first day after his promise, I don't think it was quite a good move. I feel so stupid to still believe things can change. People tell me to be patient, so we'll see the next few days..

[squeeker]

Hi squeeker, and thanks again! It's good to talk to people who understand you...really! He finally decided to talk yesterday, we skyped for 2 hours!!!
I guess he started feeling that I was bored with his absence and the fact he never found time for us... So we've talked a lot, I was quite cold and distant, and when he feels uncomfortable or sees that I am not in a good mood, he starts joking or saying stupid things (which by the way make me feel like he doesn't understand the "gravity" of the situation or that he doesn't believe I almost reached the point of no return) But I know him, it's his instinctive reaction when he sees that something is wrong. He often says ""If I wasn't laughing I'd be crying, but better laugh!"
And he knows me as well, as I've told him I was thinking almost everyday to dump him and forget everything because lots of things in my life are not going really well (apart from our relationship), and he answered you know you think this because it's difficult and we don't speak a lot but that doesn't mean you don't love me. Which is also true.

Seeing my distance, he's finally reached to the conclusion and decision that we should meet each day at the same time, not very convenient for me because it is dinner time, but if he respects his promise, I'm ok to change my hours... To avoid that we stay several days without speaking, which make both of us crazy. I really hope he'll maintain his promise... I'll let you know Have a good day!

Hey! I just wanted to say I think it's great you were able to skype for 2 hours and talk about a lot of things. My SO also likes to use humour to cheer me up when I'm sad, it usually works because I just end up laughing, even if I really don't want to at first. He is usually harder to cheer up because he tend to build things up and then he falls into a deeper sort of "depression" and so I have learned it's best to just not talk to him for a bit and let him listen to music and browse things until he feels like talking. The more you talk and go through these things as well, the more you will understand about each other and how you work and react to things. Though I know it always seems so much harder when you are apart because you can't just hug them and things. I hope you will find more times to talk! I read your other post about him not being able to make the time that you agreed on. I agree that wasn't a good start. But hopefully that was just unlucky that it started that day and that he will try harder to make the next ones, or pick a different time that suits you both. I'm sure with the time and experimentation of what works and what doesn't, and patience while sorting that out, you can come to some sort of stable way to talk, allowing for days which might be crazier than others but being able to talk a decent amount of time each week.

Good luck and stay strong.

[TaraMarie]

Here is my take....both from my own experience and reading this board. Men and women's re two different species. For the most part we (women) all seems to want the same thing. We want to be loved and needed, we want to trust them 100%, we want them to take the initiative and call/text/send small gifts, just so be know they are thinking of us. We ALL read things into words they have said, or don't say, when we do get the opportunity to communicate. We want to feel like we are the most important.....call us before you go out with your friends....Even though your relationship is strictly platonic PLEASE don't meet GIRL friends at the bar or for dinner......PLEASE text good morning and goodnight.... Yep, regardless of our age we all want EXACTLY the same thing,and we all have the same fears. Men, regardless of age all say the same thing: "huh"? "What did I do wrong THIS TIME"? . Face it....me are from Mars....women are from Venus. We will never see the exact same situation in the exact same way. It's not possible, I just want you to know that even us "old ladies" feel the same as you young women. We will just NEVER UNDERSTAND MEN!

[manon]

Good morning everyone, well here in London it's 11am !
Squeeker, I fully understand what you mean, you praise patience as the best virtue in this situation. Except that it's been a month he's been sorely testing my patience
I don't have a lot of patience in general, but since then, I've improved a loooot!
What I honestly don't understand is how he managed to find an excuse on the first day, he went back home because he texted me on whatsapp, so he could have turned skype on, at least 5 minutes. That's this umbalance which disturbs me, I'm too worried, he's not "worried enough". I switched from being one "major" thing/person in his life, to now the last thing. I am just at the bottom of his list, everything (university, other problems) and everyone (mother, father, brother, friends) have the priority. He dedicates all his time to that, and then realizes he can't find 10 minutes a day for me.

Taramarie, Yes obviously we have a lot of differences, lots of books have been written on this topic. I've read some of them by the way. But you know what I think, that it's for sure that we (men and women) have different reactions, but we can be clever by trying to UNDERSTAND the other's reactions. Not to understand them by thinking OK I would probably react this way too, because it's not the case. But accepting the fact that he can react that way, even if it's totally strange for me. That's more for people personalities and emotional reactions... In this case, women or men, I think should find time for their loved one, who is thousands of miles apart...

[TaraMarie]

Taramarie, Yes obviously we have a lot of differences, lots of books have been written on this topic. I've read some of them by the way. But you know what I think, that it's for sure that we (men and women) have different reactions, but we can be clever by trying to UNDERSTAND the other's reactions. Not to understand them by thinking OK I would probably react this way too, because it's not the case. But accepting the fact that he can react that way, even if it's totally strange for me. That's more for people personalities and emotional reactions... In this case, women or men, I think should find time for their loved one, who is thousands of miles apart...

I would like the same. I just believe men aren't wired that way. I was married for 30 years to,the kindest, most considerate man in the world. He wasn't wired that way either. Men and women arent capable of thinking alike. That's why we need our girlfriends.....men just don't get us. That is also why most of my friends are men.....no drama! Just fun!

[CynicalQuixotic]

Here is my take....both from my own experience and reading this board. Men and women's re two different species. For the most part we (women) all seems to want the same thing. We want to be loved and needed, we want to trust them 100%, we want them to take the initiative and call/text/send small gifts, just so be know they are thinking of us. We ALL read things into words they have said, or don't say, when we do get the opportunity to communicate. We want to feel like we are the most important.....call us before you go out with your friends....Even though your relationship is strictly platonic PLEASE don't meet GIRL friends at the bar or for dinner......PLEASE text good morning and goodnight.... Yep, regardless of our age we all want EXACTLY the same thing,and we all have the same fears. Men, regardless of age all say the same thing: "huh"? "What did I do wrong THIS TIME"? . Face it....me are from Mars....women are from Venus. We will never see the exact same situation in the exact same way. It's not possible, I just want you to know that even us "old ladies" feel the same as you young women. We will just NEVER UNDERSTAND MEN!

I see this all over the board and I'm sick to death of it. Why can't we just frame this as "human beings think/deal with situations/respond in different ways that may sometimes clash with how others think/deal with situations/respond and this is how you can compromise" and not resort to really tired gender stereotypes? It's not helping the OP. Men are "from Mars" and women "are from Venus" because we live in a society that reinforces these differences. I have a hard time believing that there is a lot, or even anything at all, inherent about it.

[lyonsgirl]

Here is my take....both from my own experience and reading this board. Men and women's re two different species. For the most part we (women) all seems to want the same thing. We want to be loved and needed, we want to trust them 100%, we want them to take the initiative and call/text/send small gifts, just so be know they are thinking of us. We ALL read things into words they have said, or don't say, when we do get the opportunity to communicate. We want to feel like we are the most important.....call us before you go out with your friends....Even though your relationship is strictly platonic PLEASE don't meet GIRL friends at the bar or for dinner......PLEASE text good morning and goodnight.... Yep, regardless of our age we all want EXACTLY the same thing,and we all have the same fears. Men, regardless of age all say the same thing: "huh"? "What did I do wrong THIS TIME"? . Face it....me are from Mars....women are from Venus. We will never see the exact same situation in the exact same way. It's not possible, I just want you to know that even us "old ladies" feel the same as you young women. We will just NEVER UNDERSTAND MEN!

I disagree.

[manon]

Gosh, I didn't want to start a gender-equity debate here!!!
I think it can be both, obviously there are some differences between men and women "in general", but we can't generalize and extend this to all the population.
We can also find 2 girls who have totally different reactions, men who are sensitive "like" girls, and girls who are more masculine in their way of thinking.
My boyfriend is very sensitive I think, and very touchy, he gets offended easily for example. But when he sees me crying because I'm too stressed, oh have had a difficult day or been disappointed with somehting or someone, he doesn't understand me. He blames me for crying and asks me "did someone die?" (like in theory, crying is just during the hardest moments!!!). I've told him this reaction was ever harder for me, since I'm already not good and he adds an additional difficulty blaming me, instead of comforting me. He's improved a little, but still makes some mistakes...