I guess I'd like to have some support...

[TaraMarie]

I see this all over the board and I'm sick to death of it. Why can't we just frame this as "human beings think/deal with situations/respond in different ways that may sometimes clash with how others think/deal with situations/respond and this is how you can compromise" and not resort to really tired gender stereotypes? It's not helping the OP. Men are "from Mars" and women "are from Venus" because we live in a society that reinforces these differences. I have a hard time believing that there is a lot, or even anything at all, inherent about it.

OP asked for advice. I gave her my take on it. I am sorry you are sick to death of it. I am sorry you think it isn't helping the OP. I will let her make that determination. When someone solicits advise they tend to listen and then form their own opinions. I will bet the OP is capable of that. You don't have to agree with me, but you certainly don't have to be rude. Didn't your mother ever teach you that if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing?

[squeeker]

Good morning everyone, well here in London it's 11am !
Squeeker, I fully understand what you mean, you praise patience as the best virtue in this situation. Except that it's been a month he's been sorely testing my patience
I don't have a lot of patience in general, but since then, I've improved a loooot!
What I honestly don't understand is how he managed to find an excuse on the first day, he went back home because he texted me on whatsapp, so he could have turned skype on, at least 5 minutes. That's this umbalance which disturbs me, I'm too worried, he's not "worried enough". I switched from being one "major" thing/person in his life, to now the last thing. I am just at the bottom of his list, everything (university, other problems) and everyone (mother, father, brother, friends) have the priority. He dedicates all his time to that, and then realizes he can't find 10 minutes a day for me.

I think this is something you need to remind him how much you would like to be able to talk to him. I think this is largely to the adjusting to an LDR.. I feel like maybe your SO has a hard time saying no, by the sounds of things, with helping his dad all the time, and having to cancel on you.. well I guess that's the problem, is he has a hard time saying no to people besides you. Possibly he feels like you are the one person who would understand him being busy. He likely feels guilty and torn between all the demands. It's not healthy though having so much stress.. my SO has a hard time relaxing because he feels so much pressure. I don't even know what advice to give, except hold on and keep on trying! Keep trying to schedule time to talk, maybe talk to him how it made you feel to have him cancel, and why he felt that he had to do it? How important was it, what would have happened if he didn't go to the appointment (or whatever it was that he had to do). Maybe even letting him know you wouldn't mind even skyping for the 5 minutes instead of just Whatsapp because then you can see and hear him for that time. Do you both have smartphones with the apps on them? Because then maybe you could skype or something on your break, or whatever, a few minutes here and there. I do get where you are coming from, you should be higher up on his priority list. I think that's something that's tricky with LDRs at first, because your SO isn't there and other people are.. but hopefully he will show more of an effort to talk to you. Good luck and stay strong!!

[CynicalQuixotic]

OP asked for advice. I gave her my take on it. I am sorry you are sick to death of it. I am sorry you think it isn't helping the OP. I will let her make that determination. When someone solicits advise they tend to listen and then form their own opinions. I will bet the OP is capable of that. You don't have to agree with me, but you certainly don't have to be rude. Didn't your mother ever teach you that if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing?

That was me disagreeing without being rude. I didn't personally attack you, I just stated the fact that I'm sick of the stupid "Men and women are SOOOOO different" rhetoric because I think it's overblown. There were no personal attacks or sarcastic comments, both of which I am not above making. That was me being diplomatic!

Also, a) the attitude of "if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing" inhibits disagreement. How can there ever be discussion if nobody ever has a dissenting opinion? and b) Maybe my father did, once, the rare times that he talked to us, because men, amirite? I think my mother was too busy causing drama.

EDIT: I don't mean to derail your thread, manon. All the advice I can give you is to try to communicate your feelings and work out a solution that is acceptable to both of you. Maybe try to schedule an hour to talk every day? He will make the effort if the relationship is worth it to him, but if he doesn't (or at least *try* if he is really that busy), well, as much as it sucks, you have your answer there.

[TaraMarie]

That was me disagreeing without being rude. I didn't personally attack you, I just stated the fact that I'm sick of the stupid "Men and women are SOOOOO different" rhetoric because I think it's overblown. There were no personal attacks or sarcastic comments, both of which I am not above making. That was me being diplomatic!

Also, a) the attitude of "if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing" inhibits disagreement. How can there ever be discussion if nobody ever has a dissenting opinion? and b) Maybe my father did, once, the rare times that he talked to us, because men, amirite? I think my mother was too busy causing drama.

EDIT: I don't mean to derail your thread, manon. All the advice I can give you is to try to communicate your feelings and work out a solution that is acceptable to both of you. Maybe try to schedule an hour to talk every day? He will make the effort if the relationship is worth it to him, but if he doesn't (or at least *try* if he is really that busy), well, as much as it sucks, you have your answer there.

Well then, my apologies if I misunderstood you. However, I do stand by my statement, based on my experiences.

[Jaac]

Here is my take....both from my own experience and reading this board. Men and women's re two different species. For the most part we (women) all seems to want the same thing. We want to be loved and needed, we want to trust them 100%, we want them to take the initiative and call/text/send small gifts, just so be know they are thinking of us. We ALL read things into words they have said, or don't say, when we do get the opportunity to communicate. We want to feel like we are the most important.....call us before you go out with your friends....Even though your relationship is strictly platonic PLEASE don't meet GIRL friends at the bar or for dinner......PLEASE text good morning and goodnight.... Yep, regardless of our age we all want EXACTLY the same thing,and we all have the same fears. Men, regardless of age all say the same thing: "huh"? "What did I do wrong THIS TIME"? . Face it....me are from Mars....women are from Venus. We will never see the exact same situation in the exact same way. It's not possible, I just want you to know that even us "old ladies" feel the same as you young women. We will just NEVER UNDERSTAND MEN!

Hahahaha!! This is SO true!
But I would rephrase your last sentence to: Men will never understand us :P
But it's true. When I tell my SO something that he does (or doesn't do!) bothers me, he often doesnt even know he's doing something wrong.

And you say we read things in to words or analyze words. Ugh.. I hate that I do that. when he says 'sure'...
Doe he mean 'sure' as in 'whatever', or does he mean 'sure ', or does he mean.... You know what I mean with over analyzing... he just means SURE.

It's the same thing in a close distance relationship, but that's easier because you can also recieve love from a hug or a kiss.
In an LDR, words are the only things we have. And mostly men aren't so good with words.
*sigh*

[Malaga]

Men and women's re two different species.

Men and women are infact the same species, it's called homo sapiens. And we'll never understand men if we perceive them through paradigms like that. I guess you'd rather go on not understanding 'them' (including the person you're in a relationship with) than have to rethink your point of view. Well, good luck.

[Jaac]

Wow, such a discussion.
Ofcourse men are different than women. Hence why you read things on this forum like: he doesnt talk to me often, I don't feel like he loves me.
I bet that in 9 out of 10 LDR relationships the girls feel that way, but the guys don't even notice.
Ofcourse I agree that when you love someone you should make time for them.
But I also believe that for men 'making time' could also mean: have a nice 10 minute chat before I go to bed.
But for women it's often: Have long, deep conversations about everything and anything. Otherwise they feel left out or ignored or unloved because their SO doesn;t make enough time to chat.

It's a good thing we're different though, cause we can learn from each other.
Women need to learn to relax more and not stress out when their SO doesn;t respond to a message within a half an hour.
And guys need to learn that women need more confirmation and they need to feel loved.

[80anthea]

Wow, such a discussion.
Ofcourse men are different than women. Hence why you read things on this forum like: he doesnt talk to me often, I don't feel like he loves me.
I bet that in 9 out of 10 LDR relationships the girls feel that way, but the guys don't even notice.
Ofcourse I agree that when you love someone you should make time for them.
But I also believe that for men 'making time' could also mean: have a nice 10 minute chat before I go to bed.
But for women it's often: Have long, deep conversations about everything and anything. Otherwise they feel left out or ignored or unloved because their SO doesn;t make enough time to chat.

It's a good thing we're different though, cause we can learn from each other.
Women need to learn to relax more and not stress out when their SO doesn;t respond to a message within a half an hour.
And guys need to learn that women need more confirmation and they need to feel loved.

Do you think it is possible for you to be anymore judgmental and stereotypical?????

It is a scientific fact that there are biological differences between male and female brains despite being members of the same species. However to make sweeping over generalisations about behaviour is ludicrous. ALL people regardless of gender and sex are individuals. We all have a unique brain that is wired based on both our biology and past experiences, the other wonderful thing about the brain is it is incredibly plastic, the connections are not set in stone. So in other words behaviours can change with time.

I know men AND women who need to relax more, again I know men AND women who need more conformation that they need to be loved, I know men AND women who have different definitions of 'making time'. Using someone's biological sex to make excuses for their behaviour is foolish.

The one statement I do agree with is 'It's a good thing we're different though, cause we can learn from each other.' but not based on what sex we are, I think every human being is different and we can learn from everyone.

For the record, my SO and I are opposite sexes and he is the person out of everyone I have ever met that thinks the most like me!

[TaraMarie]

Men and women are infact the same species, it's called homo sapiens. And we'll never understand men if we perceive them through paradigms like that. I guess you'd rather go on not understanding 'them' (including the person you're in a relationship with) than have to rethink your point of view. Well, good luck.

Thanks for pointing that out....hmmmm..... Homo sapiens....unique concept. I must have been out sick that day when they taught it.

You do understand that men and women being a different species is simply an expression, right?

[Malaga]

Thanks for pointing that out....hmmmm..... Homo sapiens....unique concept. I must have been out sick that day when they taught it.

You do understand that men and women being a different species is simply an expression, right?

You're welcome. And I was merely pointing out the fallacy in your expression which is a good summary of your philosophy. I think you're doing a dangerous disservice to young posters here with this kind of 'advice', instead of encouraging them to get to know and understand their SOs as fellow humans which will lead to a better communication, appreciation and intimacy, you feed into that dehumanising, highly alienating point of view that's not going to help anyone. There's not a single truth in any sentence of your post. I'm sorry if you never felt like your SO was the same species as you. Some of us who chose to look beyond the type of genitalia found that there are far more similarities between us than differences. In fact, just like anthea80 said, my SO is so much like me it's not even funny anymore.

[differentcountries]

I have been with both boys and girls, the thing is regardless I prefer people who are a bit different from me, so I have to get to know them and adjust. Sometimes statistical differences, at other times that becomes a hindrance to see the person for who they are. I love us being different. I like someone I can explore.

[Jaac]

Let's just compromise and say that EVERYBODY is different.

There. Discussion is over.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Let's just compromise and say that EVERYBODY is different.

There. Discussion is over.

Hey, I was the one who said this first!!

[Luc]

You're welcome. And I was merely pointing out the fallacy in your expression which is a good summary of your philosophy. I think you're doing a dangerous disservice to young posters here with this kind of 'advice', instead of encouraging them to get to know and understand their SOs as fellow humans which will lead to a better communication, appreciation and intimacy, you feed into that dehumanising, highly alienating point of view that's not going to help anyone. There's not a single truth in any sentence of your post. I'm sorry if you never felt like your SO was the same species as you. Some of us who chose to look beyond the type of genitalia found that there are far more similarities between us than differences. In fact, just like anthea80 said, my SO is so much like me it's not even funny anymore.

Sorry, but TareMarie is right you know. It's not even about the type of genitalia, it's about women and men sometimes thinking in a fundamentally different way on a completely different level. Women and men are perhaps even more different on the inside than we are on the outside (and with on the inside I mean mentally). Different hormonal balances and such, where us guys have way more testosterone and you girls have way more estrogen (among other things).

Yes, we have more similarities than difference, just like human DNA and the DNA of a banana share more similarities than differences. That doesn't really say much.

While I'm all for trying to understand your SO and trying to communicate better with your SO, your way of thinking is gonna lead a lot of young posters into a dead trap. No, women and men aren't the same, no matter how much you're gonna repeat that and it's best to acknowledge and understand these fundamental differences between us so that we can learn from each other, learn to understand each other and learn to more effectively communicate with each other. Accepting that we are different and learning to work with that is a hundred times better than pretending that we're the same.

But honestly, that goes without saying. Every human is unique and therefor every partner you meet will always be different from yourself. It's always good to find those differences, understand them and learn to work with them. But when it comes to women and men there are some key differences that are 99% of the time there. Yes, there are always exceptions, but the exceptions prove the rule.

[Hollandia]

Sorry, but TareMarie is right you know. It's not even about the type of genitalia, it's about women and men sometimes thinking in a fundamentally different way on completely different level. Women and men are perhaps even more different on the inside than we are on the outside (and with on the inside I mean mentally).

Yes, we have more similarities than difference, just like human DNA and the DNA of a banana share more similarities than differences. That doesn't really say much.

While I'm all for trying to understand your SO and trying to communicate better with your SO, your way of thinking is gonna lead a lot of young posters into a dead trap. No, women and men aren't the same, no matter how much you're gonna repeat that and it's best to discovered and understand these fundamental differences between us so that we can learn from each other, learn to understand each other and learn to more effectively communicate with each other. Accepting that we are different and learning to work with that is a hundred times better than pretending that we're the same.

But honestly, that goes without saying. Every human is unique and therefor every partner you meet will always be different from yourself. It's always good to find those differences, understand them and learn to work with them. But when it comes to women and men there are some key differences that are 99% of the time there. Yes, there are always exceptions, but the exceptions prove the rule.

I agree with this. I don't understand why some people feel such a need to make everything about equality. Men and women are not created equally and there are a ton of both physical, chemical, and scientific facts to prove so. Is one better than the other? NO, but we are different. We are fundamentally different in levels of body mass to hormones to yes, our reproductive systems which are btw are huge part of who we are and not just about genitals.

Study after study after study has shown it. If you have to go burn your bra and claim total equality go for it, but you are not equal , you will just be a women with no bra on.
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-s...g-8978248.html

The above link is about how our brains are hardwired differently, this has nothing to do with pee pees.