no ups anymore, only downs :(

[Elli]

Hello everyone.

I'm in a distance relationship since one year and about four months now. The first year was really good, I wasn't too sad too often apart from the normal missing issues. After a time of sadness I started to be optimistic and happy again.
Recently however I am caught in a constant low feeling. It feels like my batteries are empty, I don't have the strength to be happy despite the distance and hopeful towards the future.
My boyfriend misses me too, but he can deal better with the whole thing. He doesn't let it get to himself as much as I do.
I don't want to fall into depression because of my relationship! I am crying most of the days and I just can't feel normal and happy like I used to.
In addition I have really bad jealousy problems without any reason (I mean I know he doesn't cheat on me or will do it). Everytime he is out with friends I wish I could join them so much that I start to have silly jealousy thoughts and get really upset (I mean really really upset!).

Did anyone go through the same or a similar time? What can I do to get out of this?

And does anyone have advice for the jealousy? It's destroying our relationship if i don't stop but even the thought of him being with his female friends while I can't see him makes me crazy. I don't know how to stop

[Luc]

1 year and 4 months is a long time, especially for an LDR! Congrats! This is something to be proud of!

You guys made it this far, so don't give up now. I'm sure you'll get through this. We all have our periods. I'm pretty sure this is just a phase. However, the only advice I can give you is to talk with your SO about this. Stay open and honest with each other, share your feelings, listen to his feelings, and above all, try to support each other. I know it's easier said than done, but you really have to try to focus on the positive things, such as your next meeting. Have you planned a next meeting? If not, is there a reason why yo haven't planned it? If the answer is no, then plan a next meeting now! Having a set date for when you are going to see your SO again will make things so much easier! It will give you both something to hold on to, to look forward to, something to work towards.

About the jealousy; I'm not sure what to say about that. I think we all have our insecure and jealous moments, but for you it seems to be a big thing. That's not good. However, I never felt such jealousy myself, so I really wouldn't know how you should deal with that. One tip I could give you it to find other things to do when your SO is out doing things on his own or with his friends. He clearly has activities going on without you (and that is fine and you should accept that), so maybe you should do activities without him as well. When he goes out with friends, focus on yourself and your local friends. Keep yourself busy and spend time on things that are important to you. That's what I'd do.

[TaraMarie]

I get the jealousy thing....my SO and I talked about it last night. But I think the correct word is envy. You are envious of people who get to spend time with your SO......because you don't. I feel the SAME WAY. I DO STAY BUSY, but it's still hard. I don't have any words of wisdoms. I just want you to know that you are completely normal.....

[Jaac]

Just like luc said, it's probably just a phase.
It's so much easier to give in to sad and depressing feelings, than to get yourself together to go and do something.
When you're in a phase like this it feels like you're never going to get out of it and be happy again.
But trust me, you have made it this long without being really depressed, you will find a way to be like that again!
Focus on your hobbies, school, work, whatever. And look foreward to the times you can chat with your SO.

The jealousy thing, I don't know what to say about that either, really...
I think jealousy is something that only you can solve.
I had a very jealous boyfriend once and his jealousy was the reason I broke up with him.
Because I wasn't doing anything wrong, I wasn't doing anything to give him a reason to be jealous. I just liked to hang out with my guy friends every once in a while, just as friends and nothing more! There wasn't anything I could do to solve the jealousy thing.
He was the one that had to see there was nothing going on.
I think in your situation, it might be a good thing to tell him how you feel.
But its you that has to chill. Especially since you said you aren't even afraid he will cheat.
Maybe it's more jealousy of the people who do get to go out with him, while you want to be the person he spends time with.

Good luck!
Better times will come! Promise

[Elli]

1 year and 4 months is a long time, especially for an LDR! Congrats! This is something to be proud of!
You guys made it this far, so don't give up now. I'm sure you'll get through this. We all have our periods. I'm pretty sure this is just a phase.

Thank you Yeah I hope that it is just a phase. I've had times like this before but never that long. I mean I'm constantly sad, when I'm alone, when I'm with friends, when I talk to him, even when I was there a couple of weeks ago I wasn't the happy person I used to be because I kept thinking, that I leave him again in a few days.
Of course I am looking forward to seeing him again in a few weeks, but the thought that it's only for a few days, and then everything goes back to the terrible distance is always on my mind. But I guess that's something everyone in a LDR has to deal with :/

I think jealousy is something that only you can solve.
I had a very jealous boyfriend once and his jealousy was the reason I broke up with him.
Because I wasn't doing anything wrong, I wasn't doing anything to give him a reason to be jealous.

I'm afraid my boyfriend isn't too far from breaking up with me because of my jealousy. Last weekend he said he was close to cancelling his next flight tickets because I annoyed him so much with this stupid jealousy. He said it really needs to change or he will end things. Which I understand, because sometimes I really am giving him a hard time when he sees her or his friends in general.
And he knows how I feel. I explained to him, that it's not because I don't trust him, but because I wish I was there with him. But even with these reasons its still very annoying and destructive for him and our relationship. :/

I get the jealousy thing....my SO and I talked about it last night. But I think the correct word is envy. You are envious of people who get to spend time with your SO......because you don't. I feel the SAME WAY. I DO STAY BUSY, but it's still hard. I don't have any words of wisdoms. I just want you to know that you are completely normal.....

Yes you're right! It's more envy than jealousy. It's so hard because there is no chance I can spend the evening with him. But his friends can do it all the time.
I guess I have to tell myself that he WOULD choose to spend time with me if he COULD, but it's just not possible. My brain knows that but my heart keeps being upset and sad and disappointed..

[differentcountries]

I notice you don't mention trips a lot. My life envolves around the trips (I go to see him); planning them, booking them, buying/packing for them, preparing books for him to have in the meantime...

YES; your jealousy is your problem and you need to seek a way to deal with it. You say you feel almost depressed - so maybe you are. Have you talked to your doctor about this?

YES; it is also his problem because he should help you deal instead of threaten to cut an important lifeline

There is a lot of things we would if we could. Life means having to deal with the emptyness and frustration of our needs not always being met. Can you live with uncertainty?

[Hollandia]

I call them funks. It helps me to label them. I read a book once where the author described her different moods by color. Bad days like you are describing just happen sometimes. I call the really bad ones, deep blue funks. I can try but I just can't shake off that sad feeling on those days. My advice is let them happen and if you need to cry for a day then do it, but make sure you pick yourself up the next day and hit the ground running for your lavender, rose and violet days too.

The jealously I see as a part of your depression. You really need to find places like this to vent and work through those feelings. As long as you are not losing touch with reality it is something you should not need to search professional help for unless you feel a need too.

The strongest part of a person is their mind and only you control what goes on in your mind. Try to always remember that.

[Yaaamiii]

I'm literally in the exact same boat. My batteries died months ago. The worst part is, I know that the LD is ending in a month. But I'm very much an "in the moment" sort of thinker. No matter how hard I try, I'm just sick of waiting any more days. I've been at this game for 5 years now, I'm exhausted. I know it's only a month, but I'm thinking that right here right now, he's not here, and that kills me. My SO and I have the luck of being able to see each other quite often. The most we've had to wait to see each other in the last three years has been 6 weeks. But you wouldn't believe what the constant hello's and goodbyes do to me. As soon as I get used to him being gone, he comes back and then I have to get used to him being gone again. My SO also is the same as yours. He handles it much better than I do, which of course makes me feel bad because then I feel like I'm exaggerating or something. While I don't cry everyday, I do feel even a little sad most days and especially at night.

I think the only way to get through the distance is to just get through the distance. Figure out what keeps you distracted and busy, pick up a hobby, or literally come to the conclusion that you just have to find what makes you optimistic not just for the better of your relationship, but for your own good as well. Work through your feelings, and if you feel like your emotions are overwhelming you, consider seeking professional help.

For me, talking about our future together helps. I have my moments most days because I've been at this for so many years now and I've finally hit my breaking point a few months ago, but if I don't do things to keep myself busy and as happy as I can be, I swear I'd drive my SO and myself insane. I come on here to vent, to rant, and to read about others who are in the same boat as me. You're not crazy, no worries . These are just phases we go through, we all have them. Some phases last longer than others, but you'll get through them. You've just gotta work through your feelings.

I hope you find something that works for you. The distance can tear you apart if you let it. Overcome it! Best of luck to you.

[Elli]

Yaaamiii, it is very similar to me! We see each other every 4-6 weeks as well and of course that is a great gift but like you said, to say goodbye and hello all the time is exhausting. But I'm very happy for you that you can close the distance so soon! I hope you can get through the last month without too much sadness, just think about how amazing it will be after these long 5 years! Well done for working through this time!

I really try to keep myself busy, I meet my friends whenever they and I can, I have hobbies and next week my uni will start again, so I'll be even busier. Maybe this will help my sadness.

I used to love to talk about our future and to make plans. But after our first plan (he applied for a job where I live) didn't work out I don't even dare thinking about it. I'm a person who needs a concrete plan or perspective. If I knew in a few months or in a year we will definitely close the distance I would be okay with it because I have a goal. But this uncertainty is killing me.
Our next plan is that I will try to work near his city for a few months this autumn, but that's not certain either. And even after that we would go back to LD until we can think of something new.
So thinking about our future is making me even more sad recently.

Hollandia, yes I think the jealousy is a part of me being depressed too. I am not happy with the situation, not happy with myself and seeing how much problems I have with dealing with it makes me even more discontent with myself. Then I act sad and depressed, our relationship suffers, this makes me insecure of myself and our relationship even more and I start to be jealous. It's a terrible circle and I find it hard to break out of it.

differentcountries, I do think alot about my trips. I always book my tickets early, so when we part we mostly know when we are going to see each other again. And of course I am looking forward to them. But I don't really know how they could keep me more busy or what to prepare for them. Since we meet every 4-6 weeks it is becoming a bit of routine now. What do you mean by "preparing books for him"?

[Dziubka]

I used to love to talk about our future and to make plans. But after our first plan (he applied for a job where I live) didn't work out I don't even dare thinking about it. I'm a person who needs a concrete plan or perspective. If I knew in a few months or in a year we will definitely close the distance I would be okay with it because I have a goal. But this uncertainty is killing me.
Our next plan is that I will try to work near his city for a few months this autumn, but that's not certain either. And even after that we would go back to LD until we can think of something new.
So thinking about our future is making me even more sad recently.

I used to be in a very similar situation at some point. We had a lot of different plans and strategies to close the distance that didn't work out for one reason or another and yet here we are finally in a place with both our names on the mailbox
But there was a time when I also didn't know when we were going to finally be together for good and all the travelling and packing and hunting for tickets and living out of a suitcase so much and just everything. I never wanted to end the relationship but I was tired of the uncertainty and the logistics.
However, I always knew that we would eventually close the distance, no matter what it would take. We were (are? ) both young and at points in our life where eventually in the not so far future, there'd be a point where we would be able to move internationally without much harm. So I kept reminding myself of that and we tried to come up with plans until one (or serveral in fact) actually worked out.

I think being in a relationship where you can see each other regularly about once a month isn't that bad. I mean, it sucks, but it's doable for a while, so that you don't need to have an immediate plan to close the distance. I know that Moon's the specialist for reminding people that it's important to concentrate enjoying their wonderful relationship with a wonderful person instead of focusing so much on the future.


I don't know what both of you are doing working/study-wise, but could you figure out a long time goal together? As in, if he haven't come up with a better strategy until (insert time frame) and your SO will be making enough money, you'll simply move in with him and start job hunting there?
Closing the distance always requires some effort and compromises on both parts, but it seems like you are young enough to be able to make the move in the foreseeable future.