I don't want to break up, but it seems to be the only reasonable option left...

[Luc]

So there have been several things bothering me about our relationship lately and it basically comes down to her not putting as much effort into our relationship anymore and her being kinda egocentric when it comes to solving issues and respecting each other's feelings.

We are together for 6 months now, but the last month we had a fair amount of fights, about 5, some of them bigger, some of them smaller. One of the bigger fights I already talked about in this thread.

I really don't like it when we end up in an argument, but what I dislike even more is the fact that I get the feeling that it always comes down to me trying to fix it, me having to approach her, me listening to her, me apologizing to her, me making compromises to please her. The other way around rarely happens. I've yet to see her apologizing for her mistakes, or her making compromises to please me.

However, besides all that, there have been several situations and things that have let me to this point where I no longer know what I should or can do. While I really don't want to break up with my SO, it seems to be the only option left. Let me go through these points:


1. We always used to Skype at a reasonable time for me, basically early my evening. For the past few months however my SO is getting on Skype later and later up to a point that she doesn't get online until it's actually already too late for me (I sometimes have to wait for her past midnight my time before she finally decides to get on Skype). I voiced my concern about this, and she told me that I'll just have to deal with it cause she has to do other stuff before she can get online. Okay, fair enough, she does have a lot on her plate and a lot of things to deal with that are more important than Skyping, such as finding a job, such as getting enrolled in a college again, such as finding her own place. So while I am irritated about the fact she sometimes gets on ridiculously late, I tried to be understanding about it.

2. However, the past few weeks she consistently has been online on Guild Wars 2 early in my evenings (the time we would normally Skype before she decided that she had more important things to do). I asked her why she couldn't get on Skype early anymore, yet clearly she has time to play Guild Wars 2 early. I told her how I felt she was putting Guild Wars 2 in front of me. She reacted offended and told me that if she wants to play GW2 in her morning before doing her chores she should be able to do so and I shouldn't complain about it. This obviously irritated me and this is where I started to feel that she no longer puts as much effort into our relationship anymore as I do.

3. She deleted her Facebook account recently. I asked her why. She told me that Facebook was too much of a distraction for her and kept her from doing her more important things. I told her I didn't understand, she is almost never online on Facebook. She barely checks her messages there and she doesn't really seem to spend much time on it at all. If anything I think it's Guild Wars 2 that is really distracting her. So I told her how I didn't understand her reasoning for deleting her Facebook account, to which she also reacted really offended. She said: "I always have to ****ing explain myself to you and justify myself to you! I'm sick and tired of it! It shouldn't matter to you why I deleted my Facebook, and it sounds like you're telling me what I should do, hinting at how I should delete Guild Wars 2 as well. You're not my mom Luc!" Again I got irritated and pissed. I thought she was being completely unreasonable and in my opinion she gets offended way too easily. At this point I really am starting to get the feeling that she has serious issues and perhaps a serious addiction to Guild Wars 2, which is not only standing in the way of our relationship but also her life and future. Her mother told her many times how she feels her daughter is a lazy person who doesn't get anywhere in life because she spends all her time on Guild Wars 2. My SO insisted that her mom was wrong, but I think her mom is right.

4. Today she was online on Guild Wars 2 in my early evening (her morning) again, but this time she put her status on "hidden", the very thing she condemned me for when I did that (more about that in my previous thread here). I approached her when she walked past me in-game. She seemed approachable, but she then quickly said: "I don't want to talk to anyone right now". I asked her why, to which she said: "I dont need to explain myself, please just respect my desire to be alone for now, I'm just in a bad mood". I asked her why she's in a bad mood, to which she replied: "I already told you I don't need to explain myself to you and right now I don't want to talk about it with anyone".
I told her I would leave her alone if she would tell me what is going on. I told her I was worried and I want to know what is going on with my girlfriend. This offended her and made her angry. She told me I didn't respect her feelings and how I only think about mine. To be honest, at this point I feel it's exactly the opposite.

5. So later she and I talked again and I promised her I would listen to her wishes and leave her alone in the future when she asks me to, but in turn I asked her to meet me halfway and tell me what was going on later when she feels better. She didn't agree and said "It's my right to decide if I want to tell you or not. If I choose not to tell you for whatever reason, you should just respect that. You don't get to make demands about this and demand me I should tell you everything every single time. Telling you something should be my decision, not yours." While technically she is right, I find it very offensive that she places her "rights" above my feelings. Apparently she feels she has the right to not tell me stuff and I should just respect that, even if that would make me feel miserable.

6. So I told her that was quite egocentric of her and it pissed me off how she never ever wants to meet me halfway in anything, it's always her way or the highway. She replied offended and basically said: "That's not ****ing true. You just need to grow up and stop acting like a child when I decide to not tell you something because I don't feel like sharing it. All my other friends are okay with that, they don't make stupid demands about me always telling them what is going on, so why do you? It seems like you just don't respect my feelings at all and only think about your own." To which I replied: "I'm your boyfriend and I live on the other side of the ocean. Communication is the only thing we have and you telling me what is going on in your life is my only gateway into your life. You not telling me trivial things is fine, but you not telling me things that seem important to me is not. When I see something is going on and you're not telling me what is going on, I feel worried, insecure and I'll start to overthink things. Things would be so much easier if you would just give me a clue what is going on when something is the matter, but apparently that is too much to ask and I just should respect your feelings. But how about my feelings? Do you respect those? Doesn't seem like you do to be honest."

7. After number 6 she started to act really immature, she started laughing and she started to mock me. At which point I lost it and yelled at her: "YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? IS THIS A JOKE? CAUSE I'M NOT LAUGHING!!" To which she replied: "This entire situation is ****ing ridiculous and a ****ing joke. And I'm quite frankly sick and tired of it." At which point I snapped and ended the Skype conversation right away. I haven't talked to her since (this happened yesterday).


I'm sure some of you will say "dump this girl" and I honestly understand where you'd be coming from. But at the same time I really don't want to dump her. I want to leave that as a very last resort. If it's possible I really would like to see this fixed, but for this to be fixed she needs to make some serious changes in her behavior and life, something she at the moment seems to be unwilling to do.

So people, do you see any other way out of this than breaking up? Any possible way this could work out? I'm really at a loss here and I don't know what to do anymore. Again, I don't want to break up, but to me it seems like the only option left now...

[RachelAnne]

Wow, this is a tough situation, I'm sorry you're going through this

From what you listed above, it seems as though she's just being plain rude to you without giving you any sort of explanation as to what's going on. I agree that as a couple, the two of you need to share things with one another, ESPECIALLY if it's affecting the relationship. I think you do have a right to feel concerned about what's going on in her life, and from what you said above, you expressed this to her clearly and calmly, and you're absolutely right--communication is all you have in an LDR and as her boyfriend, you obviously care for her and would like for her to be able to come to you when something is bothering her. You told her this in a reasonable way and her reaction was ridiculous, in my opinion. You gave her space and told her you would be there for her if she ever decided to talk to you, and she acted way out of line. From the reasons you listed above, I can't find anything that YOU'RE doing wrong--you give her her space and you're understanding of her having other things to do. But you are her boyfriend, and relationships require effort and compromise on both parts.

The only advice I can give to you now (I won't suggest breaking it off with her yet) is to ask her, calmly, if she can give you some of her time to talk to you on Skype, face to face, without any distractions. Voice your concerns and let her voice hers, and see if you can get her to open up to you and see if there's a way ya'll can agree on something. If she refuses to talk to you, then I'm not sure what is left to do at that point

Best of luck with everything, Luc! I hope you can get her to come through to you

[kikidee]

I wouldn't say to break up...IF she actually wanted to change. But I don't see that. She seems to be very stubborn and immature and I wouldn't put up with it. She tells you not to control her when all you were doing was asking fair questions, in the mean time, she tells you what you can and can't do on GuildWars 2, tells you when to go to bed, and honestly, I don't think she's putting any effort into this relationship. She needs to be able to communicate instead of always jumping on the defensive and becoming the indifferent person she seems to be portraying.
Breaking up is always hard, and obviously I'm not going to command you to as you know best. But think about really why you like her, and if you really don't deserve better.
I wouldnt have stayed after the first argument because of how immature she sounded and it didn't even sound like she wanted to solve it unless you just did everything she wanted.
You said it yourself, it's either dump her or her change. And well, good luck.

[kittyo9]

I'm sorry to say that I am in the "dump this girl" crowd. To put it bluntly, you are not a priority in her life. The only way to continue this relationship would be for her to learn to behave like an adult and compromise with you. She is incredibly immature and I would not stick around to wait for it to get better (it won't).

[silvermoonfairy3]

Honestly, no, I don't see another way out of it.

She's not willing to work with you on things that you feel strongly about, and that's a fundamental core problem that is going to keep surfacing.

On a personal-opinion note, I think she's coming across as very immature, but sometimes people also get like that in relationships that aren't working, because they don't know how to effectively communicate the fact that things aren't working.

I know it sucks, and I know you're probably thinking about how good things have been or could be "if-only" but that isn't really a great reason to prolong something that doesn't seem to have a lot of ability to work out over the long run.
Personally I'm always *extremely* skeptical of "we'd be happy if only X" type of things anyway, but the only way I usually think they remotely have a chance of being true is if it's something measurable. "We'd be happy if she was less stressed about money because she finished her degree and got a job.. she graduates in 3 months, let's wait and reassess" kind of thing. Yours sounds like "we'd be happy, if only we were both different people and handled situations differently."

Are there things that would be easier in relationships if only X or Y? Sure. But if it affects your ability to have a good relationship to the extent where it's mostly fights and not enjoying things, it's a problem. My SO and I deal with a bunch of things that suck, and financial circumstances and some stuff we wish were different, but we still enjoy each other *now*, as is. Not waiting on some magical change for things to suddenly be good. If we can keep working on some things to make external circumstances better, because circumstances do affect moods and moods affect relationships, than great. But it's not something I'd wait on.. things should already have communication and good times.

It sucks, but it sounds like breaking up *is* the right decision.
Good luck.

[Luc]

From what you listed above, it seems as though she's just being plain rude to you without giving you any sort of explanation as to what's going on. I agree that as a couple, the two of you need to share things with one another, ESPECIALLY if it's affecting the relationship. I think you do have a right to feel concerned about what's going on in her life, and from what you said above, you expressed this to her clearly and calmly, and you're absolutely right--communication is all you have in an LDR and as her boyfriend, you obviously care for her and would like for her to be able to come to you when something is bothering her. You told her this in a reasonable way and her reaction was ridiculous, in my opinion. You gave her space and told her you would be there for her if she ever decided to talk to you, and she acted way out of line. From the reasons you listed above, I can't find anything that YOU'RE doing wrong--you give her her space and you're understanding of her having other things to do. But you are her boyfriend, and relationships require effort and compromise on both parts.

But that's the problem though, she sees it completely differently and I am seriously baffled about how she can see the same situation so differently. She says I did a lot of things wrong, above all being too pushy and too needy and not respecting her feelings when she asks for space. Me asking about her feelings, asking what it wrong, me being worried about her and expressing that = me being too pushy and not respecting her need for space, in her eyes.

But unlike her I try to understand where she's coming from. I can see why she might experience my behavior as being pushy and disrespectful (even though I disagree, I can still see where she's coming from). I already suggested a compromise where I promised I would leave her alone as soon as she asks for space, but in turn she will tell me what's going on when she feels better. But apparently that's unreasonable to her cause she feels I don't get to make demands about what she tells me and when. And while I again see where she's coming from, I'm of the opinion that it shouldn't even be something I'd have to request or demand, SHE should WANT to share these things with me, She should WANT to tell me what is going on. Her not WANTING to do that is the core issue here I think, and I really don't get why she doesn't want to keep me informed about the bad stuff in her life and why it's such a big issue to her when I ask about it.

The only advice I can give to you now (I won't suggest breaking it off with her yet) is to ask her, calmly, if she can give you some of her time to talk to you on Skype, face to face, without any distractions. Voice your concerns and let her voice hers, and see if you can get her to open up to you and see if there's a way ya'll can agree on something. If she refuses to talk to you, then I'm not sure what is left to do at that point

Best of luck with everything, Luc! I hope you can get her to come through to you

Thanks, but I've already decided I'm not going to approach her this time. Because if I would do that, it would again give her the power over the entire situation, she would be able to lay down the terms, cause I'd basically be setting food on her turf, I'd be the one approaching her and putting myself in a vulnerable position, while she would technically hold all the cards in that situation. I'm quite frankly sick and tired of that. On top of that I'm angry and I think it's her time to prove how much she really cares about me. Let her approach me. If she doesn't, then I have my answer to the question how much she cares about me (which would be: "not that much").

[RachelAnne]

It seems to me you already have your answer--if you think she's not going to sit down and have a level-headed conversation with you, then I think it's time to move on I'm sorry you're going through, I know it's tough. But she sounds stubborn and it doesn't sound like she plans on making any compromise to be with you. And you're absolutely right--as her boyfriend, she should feel safest with you and should WANT to share things with you. If you don't feel like she's ever going to change and put in an effort for the two of you, I think it may be time to walk away

[jana89]

I am seriously baffled about how she can see the same situation so differently. She says I did a lot of things wrong, above all being too pushy and too needy and not respecting her feelings when she asks for space. Me asking about her feelings, asking what it wrong, me being worried about her and expressing that = me being too pushy and not respecting her need for space, in her eyes.

This is really tough situation and I understand that you are upset. At the same time I don´t think break-up is the only possibility in here. Have you actually tried to give her what she wants, give her space? You say you told her you will stop asking her about her feelings, IF she later tells you what´s wrong. Don´t give her such ultimatums, it is not gonna work. I bet she just needs to sort some stuff for herself and she will come when she is ready. I have times like that myself. I might be stressed over something, but don´t really know exactly how to vocalize it and I don´t want to use wrong words, or I simply don´t wanna talk about it before I reach some decision in my head, so I just kinda close to myself. The only difference is that when something like that happen and my SO asks me about that, I would tell him that I need to sort it for myself and I will tell him when I feel like it. I say, give her space, don´t push her, don´t try to get into her head all the time ..... and things might get better. Good luck.

[Luc]

This is really tough situation and I understand that you are upset. At the same time I don´t think break-up is the only possibility in here. Have you actually tried to give her what she wants, give her space? You say you told her you will stop asking her about her feelings, IF she later tells you what´s wrong. Don´t give her such ultimatums, it is not gonna work. I bet she just needs to sort some stuff for herself and she will come when she is ready. I have times like that myself. I might be stressed over something, but don´t really know exactly how to vocalize it and I don´t want to use wrong words, or I simply don´t wanna talk about it before I reach some decision in my head, so I just kinda close to myself. The only difference is that when something like that happen and my SO asks me about that, I would tell him that I need to sort it for myself and I will tell him when I feel like it. I say, give her space, don´t push her, don´t try to get into her head all the time ..... and things might get better. Good luck.

You make good points, however, I've already tried this. After giving her the space she asks for (without any ultimatums) she does come back to me later when she feels better, however, she never talks about what was going on anymore. When I later bring it up and ask her "hey, what was going on earlier today when you didn't want to talk?" she comes up with answers like "oh I forgot" or "I don't want to talk about it" or "it really doesn't matter anymore now, lets just focus on the present".

half of the time I never get to know what was going on when she asked for space, not even later when things are fine again, and that annoys me.

[Luc]

She just texted me asking "Are you going to be on Skype later today?"

I have no idea what I should answer, or even if I should answer in the first place. If she wants to fix things, I'm willing to hear her out. If she wants to break up then I'm also willing to hear her out. But if she's just going to rant I don't really want to deal with her.

Thing is, if she is indeed going to break up, I'm not sure if I'd be emotionally ready for that today. So basically it comes down to that I only want to Skype with her today if she wants to make an effort to fix things.

[RachelAnne]

I would ask her what she wants to talk about before you Skype her and see what she says...but if she's willing to talk to you without throwing a fit, I would at least hear her out.

[ldrxoxo]

I'd break up if it got that nasty. She doesn't see that you are long distance and need more communication than most people nearby.

[silvermoonfairy3]

She just texted me asking "Are you going to be on Skype later today?"

I have no idea what I should answer, or even if I should answer in the first place. If she wants to fix things, I'm willing to hear her out. If she wants to break up then I'm also willing to hear her out. But if she's just going to rant I don't really want to deal with her.

Thing is, if she is indeed going to break up, I'm not sure if I'd be emotionally ready for that today. So basically it comes down to that I only want to Skype with her today if she wants to make an effort to fix things.

I know the feeling of wanting to be emotionally prepared for a breakup.
If it were me, I might tell her that I need to think things through after yesterday, and I won't be on Skype tonight, and then set a day/time to have a serious conversation, one where I'd be prepared to break up.

[Luc]

I would ask her what she wants to talk about before you Skype her and see what she says...but if she's willing to talk to you without throwing a fit, I would at least hear her out.

I decided to answer with a simple "yes" and I'll hear her out when she gets on. If I don't like what she has to say can always tell her that in the moment. I can always decide to ask for space if I feel overwhelmed. And if she decides to break up today then so be it.

[Ahava]

I think you have been together for such a short time, 6 months, that you should still be in the honeymoon period and just wanting to talk to each other all the time.
It shouldn't have to be such hard work all the time.
I also think that normally in a relationship people should WANT to tell their stuff to their SO. For some of us it might be harder talking about difficult issues, but you can always practise. And if you aren't able to speak face to face you can always write.
It could be either that she is the kind of person who doesn't open up and doesn't know how to communicate or then the two of you just don't fit well together as a couple.