Should I marry her?

[matt2014]

Hi there!

Basically I live in Bristol and I met this gorgeous girl from Pittsburgh 2 years ago through a mutual friend on Facebook. We started chatting a bit on Facebook and then after a few months started Skyping. We got on really well and I found that I really liked her and thinking if only she lived in England...
We were talking one day and she had just broken up from her boyfriend and she started telling me about this university she was going to in January. I was already going to go to university in September but she invited me to come over for a few months to apply to university in Pittsburgh and see places around the States. So I decided to, thinking it was a golden opportunity. It was a struggle to find a job, save for a ticket, save for spending money, trying to find a work and manage to get a visa. But in the end I got there and we clicked instantaneously. It was like love at first sight. She's cute, she's beautiful, funny and clever. I really won't find anyone else who is like her. I started thinking about marrying her pretty early and while I was drunk I told her and she was shocked but over the moon. We are always talking about our future together and everything looked like it was going to work out!
But I found I couldn't afford the tuition loans so we applied to 5 universities in England. We both got into Oxford Brookes, however, because she is foreign and needs loans, she needs someone with enough credit to cosign for her. Her grandparents are rich and have excellent credit but are reluctant to cosign for her, even though her gran will happily spend tens of thousands of dollars on lawyers for her son who is in the mafia and scalped his girlfriend. This is looking like our only route. And it's looking bleak. We're so good together and I can't think of life without her, but I'm only 19 and the only way I can see myself getting a green card is by marrying her. I'd have to get a fiance visa and marry her within 90 days. This is awkward because of our families. There is nothing more I'd love to do than marry her, but NOW? I don't know if I'm ready. I have an offer from university in England to study but it would have to be without her. I really want to be back in education. She can't get residency in the UK without living here for 2 years without being able to work. If I moved to the US and married her, I would have to give up on university and work unless I can find a company to reimburse me. I can't even look for work until I have a green card. I'm so unsure about this, it's risky. I just feel so bad because I feel like I got our hopes up, and I'm just cutting off every chance of being her.
My heart says marry her, I may have a degree and stable lifestyle, but I won't be happy without her and I know I'll never find anyone like her. My head says that it would be risky, I may not get a job, I'll probably end up taking another year out of university which is important to me, and I need to stop forgoing spending on things like health because I am saving for spending money in America. Any advice what I should do?

[differentcountries]

No, you should not marry a girl you have dated much less than a year. If you grow a little more patience, more uppertunities may present themselves.

[Hollandia]

No, you should not marry her to close the distance. Ever. You should never marry for any reason except because you are completely ready and every part of your body is screaming that you want to marry this person. Sorry, that hurts but it is true. Divorce is hella ulgy and painful. Don't ever go through it if you don't have to. Do you want to marry one person to grow old with or marry however long it takes to get it right? You are young and not ready and would not even be at this point if not for the distance, so no, do not marry her now.

When the time comes a few years from now and your heart and brain are telling you that this is definitely the person you want to have grandchildren with and look in their eyes as one of passes always, if you are so lucky, then yes, then you marry her.

You can handle LDR for a few years to make sure, plenty of us have done it, if it is meant to be it will be , if not, you could end up married with a few kids and divorced in five years.

[CanadianGirl]

You need to get school sorted out before you rush into a crazy international marriage/visa situation. No one likes being long distance but you're both taking this way, waaay too fast. No, it's not the only option. Plenty of people go long distance during college years (myself included) and it's very much possible. You should see it as investing in your futures together.

[TaraMarie]

The minute u said u dont know if u r ready was when u made ur decision!

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Follow your heart, but pay attention to logic, too. You are already feeling unsure, and insecure, not ready for such a huge life change, which is quite understandable. You already know the obstacles you have to face. You already have an opportunity to go to university where you are, but no such open door in the US. Your education is very important for your future, for yourself, as an individual, and for a possible future with her.

Why not stay with her in this LDR, while you get to know each other better, and work toward the future. It could be a good foundation for your future together. I know it isn't always easy in an LDR, and I do get impatient. When I do, my SO reminds me, Stay in the NOW with me, enjoy what we have now, and stop worrying about the future. Whatever happens happens.

[squeeker]

No. Don't get married until you are ready.

Both of you should go for your careers, education, etc, in your own countries, and keep going in your LDR, you don't have to give up on her..... and then when you graduate and are able to get a job and save up and then I'm sure - if it's meant to be - you will be ready, ore more ready to be together.

My boyfriend and I were faced with a similar situation. I really wanted to study in the UK, he thought about studying in Canada, but in the end it's just so expensive for international tuition!!! A degree is only 3-5 years, less time in the UK typically.. at least my boyfriend's bachelors degree is only 3 years where mine is the typical North American 4 years - maybe longer depending on how many courses per term you take and if you take summer classes.

Eventually we just realized we had to set a solid future for ourselves.. we didn't want to close the distance in some hurried way and be struggling. Just keep up in an LDR while you study, try and get a part time job during the year if you can manage it, or a full time one in the summer, and save up and you might even get to see each other in between! But don't give up! Skype as often as you can! Communicate, get to know each other.. but seriously.. you haven't been going out for that long.. you expressed already that you aren't ready, so wait. It's always better to go more slowly than to rush into something and regret it later (even if right now you don't think you will). Stay strong!

[Heavenly_Love12]

No! At least not now!

I'm sorry that it's looking like you're not going to be able to close the distance by attending the same university in the same country but that's not the reason to get married. You said it yourself, you do not believe you are ready to get married and that says it all! You only want to get married when you're 100% ready and know that you're going to change your mind or feel regret later on.

My SO and I thought about getting engaged when we were 20 and 21, and I'm glad we didn't. We were nowhere near ready like we are now and there was a lot more than we needed to learn and experience. You do have other options, you could take out loans and go to the U.S. but I believe the best option is to continue the distance. Is it not possible for either of you to apply to schools again in a couple of years? What about establishing a plan to close the distance through grad school or getting a job in the other's country after graduation? There is also the option to temporarily close the distance by studying abroad for a semester or a year, that's much cheaper than attending a university overseas for all 4 years.

You have thought about how your life would be if you marry now. You can't afford to attend school in the U.S. without being married and once you're married, it is just the two of you. You both would have to support yourselves on your own. School would be extremely difficult for both of you and what kind of income would you have at 19 with no advanced schooling?

I think you should not use marriage as a way to close the distance in any circumstance unless it is what you really want, are ready for, and understand all that comes with it. Stay strong and know that there are other options out there! Please don't rush into marriage just because your other options are looking bleak right now, you never know what could happen with them or your relationship in the future.

[piratemama]

Ask yourself some "what ifs." What if you waited? What if you married now and it didn't work out and you were stuck here? What if you didn't marry and lost the girl of your dreams? What if you marry and it works? What are the pros and cons? Are you ready? Do you have any doubts? Can you live without the girl or not? Can you live without your family and friends and support system? Is she worth giving up everything you know and risking everything you have?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I'm also in the "don't marry her" camp. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like it would be the best option at this point, especially with your own doubts about it.

Is there a reason you can't do an LDR while you're both in separate schools? Where is she going to school if not in England, will she go to school in the US? There's always the option that she can study abroad for a year once she's a little further along in school. So she could go to school in the US while you go to school in England, keep working on your LDR together, and then she could study for a year in England and you guys could see about being CD for awhile and how it goes.
Traditionally Americans would study abroad their junior (3rd) year of university, and many times UKers only have 3 years of uni.. does your anticipated program at uni take 3 years? If so, perhaps when she goes back to the US after doing a year abroad, you could go to the US as well. Maybe by starting off looking for jobs from the UK, or something.

My point is, there are other options, if you're willing to work on the LDR aspect together for awhile.
If you're not, does that mean somehow this relationship isn't worth it? Because if that's the case, marriage wouldn't necessarily 'fix' anything.

Good luck!

[snow]

There is a lot of information on the fiancé visa at www.visajourney.com <~ take a look there!

If you want to apply for the fiancé visa you have to prove that she / a co-sponsor earns 125% above the poverty limit - which for one person is $19.222 a year - does she make that much money?
There is a lot of paperwork you two will have to gather aswell. If you want to know more about this visa you can send me a PM - we started the process last month and I have read so much on it :P

I hope things work out for you two, whatever you do!

[Yaaamiii]

The minute u said u dont know if u r ready was when u made ur decision!

Agreed!

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Agreed!

That pretty much says it all.