Just need some thoughts on a current issue

[Swederica]

Hello.

I have returned with a new problem.
I've met a wonderful girl who lives in Spain. She's quite the fascinating person whos got a Swedish name yet known no Swedish and speaks Italian, French, Spanish and English fluently.
After having spoken to eachother for more or less two months I went to Madrid and visited her. There we spent the most wonderful 5 nights of my life. Every single second I spent in Madrid I spent with her and we never left eachothers side.
It goes without saying that the goodbye was heartwrenching and we're both dealing with the post-meeting problems. All my negative flaws has showed themselves with constant worrying about the next time we'll see eachother, where she stands on those issues and so on. We're for various reasons not officially bf/gf or officially in a relationship. We have different ways of dealing with these problems of missing eachother. I end up crying a lot and has had overall problems with readjusting to normal life. She's been trying her absolutely best to be strong for me and herself and not tried to bother me with her issues. I on the other hand has not shown the same kindness and been stupid enough to bring up some of my worries with her.

Yesterday evening and night she talked a lot about how she missed me. Saying that she wish she was in my arms, that I was there with her and that she was sad. When I asked her why she said that she just missed me.
Then today was the exact week since we last saw eachother irl. It had a huge impact on me who just moped around all day. Once again she asked me why this was so hard and that she felt sad. I then for some reason (insecurity) asked her what made her sad. She said she couldn't say that. When I then asked her if that was because it wasn't because of me that she was sad she made me really worried.
She responded saying that "I just can't deal with this. My head is about to explode. I'm trying and you...just make me feel even worse".
That was of course a major wake-up call on my part and I was appalled with myself for making her feel worse. I want to make her feel better but due to my issues I make her feel worse.
I also don't know how to interpret this. If I should take it that she can't handle it so she's not gonna continue anything with me? Or that she just wants some space right now and for me to back off for a bit. Either way with just some small talk we haven't talked more and I've left her alone.

Any thoughts on the situation? I have already called the psychiatrist and booked in a meeting with him for some help with my insecurity and worrying issues.


I should mention that she's never really had deep feelings for anyone. One of the first things she told me is that she's been like a stone that way. That is until I came and messed that up for her. Thus supposedly I'm the first one she's ever really have had deep feelings for. In other words she's new to all of this and she's never felt the way she's doing now.

[squeeker]

Okay, well I think the last part you said about her being new to this... I think that is important.. you need to be patient with her as she tries to figure out her feelings. It sounds like you have been expressing more of your feelings about missing her? Maybe she feels you are very intense, and she probably is scared to admit to her feelings too soon.

I know when my boyfriend and I met online we were not official for about a year, and we only met after we were official and declared our feelings for each other, so it's a bit different because we only met in person after we had been talking for about a year and already knew we had feelings for each other and were official in a relationship. I think maybe the uncertainty of whether you are in a relationship might be getting to her? I know the way my boyfriend and I sort of 'solidified' our relationship was when we went facebook official.

I think the key thing is patience though, as she sorts out her feelings. Though I think it is also good and can only be beneficial that you are meeting with a psychiatrist because that will help you I'm sure.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you two!

[Swederica]

Okay, well I think the last part you said about her being new to this... I think that is important.. you need to be patient with her as she tries to figure out her feelings. It sounds like you have been expressing more of your feelings about missing her? Maybe she feels you are very intense, and she probably is scared to admit to her feelings too soon.

I know when my boyfriend and I met online we were not official for about a year, and we only met after we were official and declared our feelings for each other, so it's a bit different because we only met in person after we had been talking for about a year and already knew we had feelings for each other and were official in a relationship. I think maybe the uncertainty of whether you are in a relationship might be getting to her? I know the way my boyfriend and I sort of 'solidified' our relationship was when we went facebook official.

I think the key thing is patience though, as she sorts out her feelings. Though I think it is also good and can only be beneficial that you are meeting with a psychiatrist because that will help you I'm sure.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you two!

Yeah I think so too. I've been trying to not be too intense. We've shared our feelings quite a bit but mostly so when we were together when I visited her. We've both expressed our love for eachother (both said you know the phrase and all) several times over. I should have no reason to doubt it from her side due to the events from the trip. For example I got very sick the last day of the visit and she did everything in her power to take care of me and no matter how warm or sweaty I got she just laid there and held me. It was very touching. Post-trip I've tried to not be too intense with my feelings and problems though they seep through regardless. She's mostly been the one saying things like "I miss you" and so on or at least she's mostly the one initiating them.

However my worries and fear is what I think have made it worse for her. As much as I've tried to avoid letting it through it has happened.
I will have patience with her. We've hit a few other rough spots before we met. She got scared of her feelings and wanted to cut it all off before it reached any further. At least that's what I gathered from it. Each time she returned to me and I had patience with her and forgave the heartbreaks she made me go through during those periods.
Maybe she just feels stressed? She's been studying a lot for a test the past days, she's dealing with this whole thing and then I bring additional things on top of it. Hopefully she just needs some time for herself and then she'll return. I want to think positively for a change instead of the usual negativity.

By now I'm just rambling. Trying to get a grip on the situation. I don't want to take anything for granted and then have my feelings trampled on.

[squeeker]

Yeah I think so too. I've been trying to not be too intense. We've shared our feelings quite a bit but mostly so when we were together when I visited her. We've both expressed our love for eachother (both said you know the phrase and all) several times over. I should have no reason to doubt it from her side due to the events from the trip. For example I got very sick the last day of the visit and she did everything in her power to take care of me and no matter how warm or sweaty I got she just laid there and held me. It was very touching. Post-trip I've tried to not be too intense with my feelings and problems though they seep through regardless. She's mostly been the one saying things like "I miss you" and so on or at least she's mostly the one initiating them.

However my worries and fear is what I think have made it worse for her. As much as I've tried to avoid letting it through it has happened.
I will have patience with her. We've hit a few other rough spots before we met. She got scared of her feelings and wanted to cut it all off before it reached any further. At least that's what I gathered from it. Each time she returned to me and I had patience with her and forgave the heartbreaks she made me go through during those periods.
Maybe she just feels stressed? She's been studying a lot for a test the past days, she's dealing with this whole thing and then I bring additional things on top of it. Hopefully she just needs some time for herself and then she'll return. I want to think positively for a change instead of the usual negativity.

By now I'm just rambling. Trying to get a grip on the situation. I don't want to take anything for granted and then have my feelings trampled on.

Ahh okay, it makes sense. I don't think you have to worry. It makes sense that it could be too much for her, for you saying anything, when she has a test on top of everything else.

I know when I have extra stress - like right now with exams - any little thing on top can seem like too much. And sometimes I take it out on my innocent boyfriend who just wants to help. It sounds like you both do care about each other and just have been extra stressed lately.. and it's hard being long distance because you can't just sit there and hold each other.. and sometimes talking makes things worse and you just need silence for a bit.. I'm guessing she will be better after she does a bit of studying at least, or at least once she finishes writing the test because then it's out of the way. It sounds like you will be okay.. just don't give up on each other for this.. it does sound like she was just over stressed because she was already stressed about the test and on top of that misses you and it just became too much.. and she maybe blamed you because you were there and that was probably the only reason.. she probably even feels bad now for reacting the way she did.. just a guess.. just try and be patient. It's okay to be sad at times and share that you miss each other.. but try not to let that over take the relationship. Maybe you two need to watch some funny youtube videos together or make each other laugh in other ways.. laughter can be a good way to de-stress. Maybe you could write a journal or blog or word document where you can vent out all your emotions. Sometimes - when I think of it - it helps keep me from exploding all over my boyfriend and making us both upset.

Good luck, I have a feeling things will work out for you two.

[Swederica]

Ahh okay, it makes sense. I don't think you have to worry. It makes sense that it could be too much for her, for you saying anything, when she has a test on top of everything else.

I know when I have extra stress - like right now with exams - any little thing on top can seem like too much. And sometimes I take it out on my innocent boyfriend who just wants to help. It sounds like you both do care about each other and just have been extra stressed lately.. and it's hard being long distance because you can't just sit there and hold each other.. and sometimes talking makes things worse and you just need silence for a bit.. I'm guessing she will be better after she does a bit of studying at least, or at least once she finishes writing the test because then it's out of the way. It sounds like you will be okay.. just don't give up on each other for this.. it does sound like she was just over stressed because she was already stressed about the test and on top of that misses you and it just became too much.. and she maybe blamed you because you were there and that was probably the only reason.. she probably even feels bad now for reacting the way she did.. just a guess.. just try and be patient. It's okay to be sad at times and share that you miss each other.. but try not to let that over take the relationship. Maybe you two need to watch some funny youtube videos together or make each other laugh in other ways.. laughter can be a good way to de-stress. Maybe you could write a journal or blog or word document where you can vent out all your emotions. Sometimes - when I think of it - it helps keep me from exploding all over my boyfriend and making us both upset.

Good luck, I have a feeling things will work out for you two.

Thank you I appreciate your words and advice.
It seems the situation has stabilized. She wrote to me earlier this evening saying "Jag saknar dig" which is Swedish for "I miss you" so I responded in kind in French
So it seems that yes everything will work

[jana89]

We, girls, often feel like the guy should be the stronger one, the one who we can lean on. Your SO is trying to be strong, but as she tells you often she misses you and stuff like that, it is obvious she isnīt such a stone as she used to be. I think she acted the way she did, because she has enough on her plate, dealing with distance and everyday life and she canīt really let go, because she might feel like she is the one who needs to rise your spirit. Try to be there for her in the way, that maybe instead of crying and bringing up the worries all the time you just tell her you believe you will make it through the rough times and you love her etc. She needs some reasurrance. Iīm sure once she feels your support in this, the things are gonna sort out. Good luck

[Malaga]

This is what it means to be strong for each other. Part of it is trying not to give in to moping. It's actually what keeps me from breaking down sometimes, the idea that it would afflict anguish upon my SO and it would make us both feel worse. Both people in a relationship are sensitive to it and both need support equally and someone to lean on. But you can lean on each other in different ways. Instead of revelling in misery together, why don't you focus on the positives? Relive funny memories from your visit, plan the next one, have date nights etc. Squeeker gave good suggestions.

Remind each other what makes you feel good about this relationship and all the good things you're getting out of it, instead of focusing on all the downsides. Because if you do, it's no wonder if eventually one of you wants out. Who'd like to feel bad all the time? No matter how much you care for each other.

Good luck xx

[Chillosaurus]

Be warned, I'll be very direct with you and tell you exactly what I have learnt from experience. No offense intended, but I would like you to think about these points.

[...] I've met a wonderful girl who lives in Spain.

That goes without saying! She is not the only girl in the world. Don't pressure yourself, either it works or it doesn't - relax: if it is meant to be it will work, if it isn't it's probably going to fail, which is a good thing in that case.

[...] Yesterday evening and night she talked a lot about how she missed me. Saying that she wish she was in my arms, that I was there with her and that she was sad. When I asked her why she said that she just missed me.
Then today was the exact week since we last saw eachother irl.

One week? Give yourself and her some time, this will still evolve!

It had a huge impact on me who just moped around all day. Once again she asked me why this was so hard and that she felt sad. I then for some reason (insecurity) asked her what made her sad. She said she couldn't say that. When I then asked her if that was because it wasn't because of me that she was sad she made me really worried.
She responded saying that "I just can't deal with this. My head is about to explode. I'm trying and you...just make me feel even worse".
That was of course a major wake-up call on my part and I was appalled with myself for making her feel worse. I want to make her feel better but due to my issues I make her feel worse.[...]

Asking her, what is up is a good thing! BUT you see this as a PROBLEM - it is not a problem, which needs to be fixed. She wants to share her sorrows and worries with you and wants to know if you feel the same way. The girl tries to share intimacy with you, by being very open with her feelings. You should see this as something wonderfull, something good in your relationship. You should never be judging about this or she might pull back one day. Communication is of major importance and you should have encouraged her to always tell you how she feels. This should have been your answer: "Baby, I am very sorry that you are going to all this and that I made you feel that way, but I am very relieved that you can open up to me and let me know how you feel and what is going on in your life. It makes me feel close again to you and I want you to tell me everything which is on your mind."

If you should give her space? That's not up to you. If you take the position as a leader, she will take the role as a persuer. She is going to do most of the calling/texting... You only have(!) to take it to the next level attraction-wise or f.ex. IM->phone/skype, make a 'date'.. From your text I would guess that you act needy and call her all the time looking for reassurance.

Hope this can help you for the future, and I am glad things seem to work better now. Keep yourself busy have fun and it becomes easier to cope with everything you are going through.

[lucybelle]

I just don't think you're cut out for LDRs.