Not a lot of cummunication

[ncm5026]

Hello everyone ... just joined here and wanted to get some insight about this.

I've been with my SO for over a year and half now ... in the beginning we would text and talk a lot but now things have started dwindle. I should mention that I am out of college now with a regular 9-5 job and he's finishing up his senior year in mechanical engineering. He says his feelings haven't changed for me and that he still loves me ... but he's really busy with school and school is his priority right now. He says things will be different after he graduates.

I am just wondering how to handle this ... we've already talked about this many times and he finally told me about how busy, stressed, and scared he is and he needs to focus more on school. We text almost everyday - mostly just "good morning, hope you have a good day, i love you" type of thing and then we'll talk maybe 4 days a week - but even then he seems distracted. I usually am the one to have to call him too.

Anyone else have experience(s) like this?

[silvermoonfairy3]

Honestly, it sounds like you might just need to see if you can find a way to be okay with it til he graduates and then reassess when he's less stressed. I'm assuming if he's a senior that he graduates in like 2 months?
It's not a long, indefinite stretch of time. You might just need to see if you can buckle down and deal with it for a bit longer.

My SO just finished his PhD in January, and the month or two leading up to it he was crazy stressed and busy. He still made time when he could, like it sounds like your SO is, but I also had to be a little flexible and understand that his attention might be a bit divided. We had talked about our 'battle plan' for heading into the last phase of his PhD, and he did try really hard to make sure that there was at least some time he could find ways to set aside his stress and focus on us, but it was definitely a challenge.

This sort of busy-ness happens to almost everyone at some point, either with work or school or family/friend issues. Texting every day and getting to talk ~4 times a week is pretty regular contact. You mentioned that he seems distracted when you do get to talk, so is the issue more about the quality of the talking? If so, would it make sense to have less talk time, but make sure it's really focused on just each other? By explaining to him that you understand he's really stressed, so you guys can cut back on the amount of talking if there can be a clear focused "us" night sort of thing?

Personally I didn't love the thought of doing that with my SO, and I found I'd rather hear from him more regularly even if it meant a little bit of distraction, but different people will have different preferences.

But really, I think the bottom line is if you've talked about it several times and he's saying he needs to focus on school, let him focus on school. Not that you can't get in touch, but don't be another stress for him. Try to be supportive and enjoy the time without making it a big thing about how you want more time *right now*, and definitely make sure you're still taking time for yourself to try new hobbies or catch up with friends, or whatever else.

Easier said than done! But the added bonus is that once he's NOT stressed, once he graduates and things calm down and he has a minute to think, he'll probably realize how supportive and patient you've been and be grateful about it. And you'd much rather have that than have him think that he managed to get through school even with extra stress from your relationship, right?

[nottheprincesspeach]

I am the person on his end of it in our relationship. My SO moved for a job and I am waiting to graduate. I have a very intense degree. Especially this time of year I have tons of stuff that I have to do and can often be found at school into the evening hours. I think the better goal here would be to ask for what you need more specifically. If I know that I can schedule it in and work my way around it. I know that's not the best way to phrase it in a relationship, but it is the best way to get what you need.

[temporaryuser]

it sounds more like the "honeymoon phase" has ended and you have gotten more into the everyday relationship. My SO is finishing up his masters in nursing (17 credits), works ft as a Paramedic and pt as a cop. We have very little time to communicate. I finallyt had to find ways to keep myself busy so that I was not constantly waiting to hear from him. He honestly didnt realize what my problem was until I got busy and wasnt immediately responding to him.

[Courtney]

Hi ncm5026,

I'm feeling the same way you are right now too and I'm not quite sure if I'm being needy or it's just normal. I haven't been with my SO for as long as many on here, but we met in December when I went home for my Christmas break from school, then he kept calling and texting me after I came back to the lower 48. Also, we started to video chat everyday. I told him I didn't want to do a long distance relationship, that if he was serious about me he had to move where I was. He said he could do that. He said he had an obligation to manage a bar all summer in Alaska already, but after that he could move wherever I wanted to be. I thought, "yea I could do this for a little while." I was comfortable with where we were at. I was receiving the reassurances I needed to feel comfortable enough with the situation.

He had to start setting up the bar to prepare to open for the summer. Then, the bar opened at the end of March and everything basically stopped. He stopped calling, texting, video chatting. Everything. I maybe get one text a day and one phone call a week if I'm lucky. When he does text and call I don't want to talk about how frustrated and uncomfortable I feel because it's the only time I get to talk to him and I don't want to argue. I knew that once he started working at the bar we were going to be talking less, but before we were officially together and I voiced my concerns about the situation, I told him I needed a lot of reassurances about the situation because I wasn't comfortable with it, and he agreed he could provide that. However, I feel like he hasn't provided any reassurances since he's started working at the bar.

Sorry, this was so long. Your post just seemed to match my feelings somewhat. I feel like there is a lack of communication in my relationship when there used to be a lot as well.

[Courtney]

I know I just replied a couple days ago, but since then I've had a great conversation with my SO and maybe what we did could help you.

So, I've been feeling very frustrated and you can read that in my post above. So, I told him that we need to have a talk with no distractions and interruptions and we made a specific time that we could both commit to. Then before we met to video chat I made a list of things that I like that he has said and done for me and how those things make me feel. Then I made a list of things that I don't like that he's said and/done and how those things make me fell. Then the last section was a small list of things I think could resolve some of my insecurities.

So, my biggest thing was, when we first began talking he would text me every morning and every night that he missed me, wanted to be with me, thought I was beautiful etc... Now he has stopped doing that. Also, we video chatted every night, now we barely talk. So my resolution was to ask him if he could text me when he got off work in the morning and before he went to work at night. It's not a lot of effort on his part, but it's something that makes me feel reassured about. We can't video chat every night, but we agreed on two nights a week and times that we would both set aside to talk and/or video chat.

I just thought I'd share because I thought my SO was very receptive of this approach and I wasn't blaming him or pointing my finger at him. I was just explaining my feeling to him and how I thought he could help me feel more reassured. I also think having a solution when we did talk was helpful because men have very much "Fix it" type personalities, so I thought it would be harder for him to be receptive of my feelings his he wasn't sure how he could reassure me.

I hope this is helpful! I know you've been in an LDR longer than me and may have done something like this already, but I figured I'd share anyways.