Temptation

[Hkh8871]

I'm in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half now. We see each other 6 months out of the year and never go more than ~8 weeks without each other. Things haven't been ideal but we've considering them worth the fight and we are very happy with the relationship. I have never had an issue with our long distance and neither as he- but now I am beginning to have an issue. I set my best friend up with this guy- this perfect guy- thinking that if he is off the market i will not even be able to be tempted. Well- that plan was awful. We are all always going out together and he sleeps at my place with her and the next morning we'll all just lay on the couch and talk. Him and I are a match made in heaven. We have the same goals, beliefs, ideals and my friend (although I love her) might not be smart enough for him (although maybe im just being a bitch). My boyfriend has been so distant and unavailable lately because of work. We haven't skyped in 2 weeks and it's just getting difficult. I have told him I feel disconnected and I want to speak to him more but somehow it doesn't change much. He says he'll make time and he'll figure it out and we'll talk but somehow with the time difference (im 6 hours ahead) it never works out. I'm just confused as to what I should do. We are going on a 10 day vacation in 2 weeks and I'm hoping that'll clear things up for me emotionally, but is it normal to feel things for someone else while being with someone? I just feel awful even having these thoughts but instead of waiting for my boyfriend to message me or write me, i just wait for this other guy and get butterflies when he does. I have always had a thing for the most unavailable option so I don't want to make any decision based on an immature habit of wanting things that I can't have. I just need some advice and thoughts about this situation.

[squeeker]

Well you will have to make a decision whether you still want to be with your current SO. And if you do, my opinion (as a totally outside opinion because I only know what I read and I might read it the wrong way) but I think that you should cut down the time you hang out with this other guy... and also know you don't want to interfere with their relationship especially when they are together. And even if your best friend and this guy are not happy, you still should be careful if you value your friendship. I think the best thing is to cut down contact with the guy, at least now, less sleepovers with both of them, encourage them to do things by themselves more.. and focus on yourself. It's not healthy to want someone who you can't have. And also.. remember the saying 'the grass is always greener on the other side', meaning that there always seems that someone else has things better, but it could be just as good if not worse because you can't see everything. And also... I think that you are maybe using this guy as an outlet for your feelings because you can't talk to your SO a lot... although you are seeing each other in person fairly often (for a LDR), but I'm guessing your SO is working very hard so that he has the money to be able to see you as often as you do.. so remember that... and try and get yourself busy too WITH THINGS OTHER THAN ANOTHER GUY!! Unless you don't care about your SO or your best friend, then go off with this "perfect guy."
But honestly, I don't think he's the perfect guy for you if he is with your best friend (even if you set him off). I think you need to remind yourself he is NOT the perfect guy. okay. Good luck. stay strong. You have to make a decision. You are stronger than your temptation. Think about how you would feel if you would give in, how your best friend would feel, how your current SO would feel... think about if you could live with yourself for that.. and try and keep your thoughts pure..

You say a 10 day vacation in 2 weeks? If this is with your SO, that sounds great. Otherwise, I don't know how it would clear up your feelings. Unless you don't want your SO. Okay. Good luck and stay strong

[temporaryuser]

you are jealous because now your friend has someone to be with and you dont. You may not see it as jealousy, but if you had any interest in this other guy you wouldnt have set him up with your friend.
Honestly, I would curt down on the time that you are with them. It sucks being in a ldr and having a close friend in a cd relationship, where it is constantly in your face.
You are seeing only the good things about this guy - "we have so much in common, we like the same things...." on the outside this is all good, but I have a feeling that if you got close to the guy you really wouldnt have as much in common as you thought, or he wouldnt really be who you think he is. You fell for your bf for a reason. You have survived a ldr for a year and a half for a reason. No relationship is always going to be fun and time intensive. At some point one or both of you are going to be busy and have other priorities. Right now, its your bf. So unless you are looking for a reason to break it off with him, I would suggest you find other ways to keep yourself busy.
And think about how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

[Hkh8871]

Ok Maybe I need to clarify- I'm not that girl, nor do i want to be that girl. I also am not the type of girl to cheat, which is why this whole situation is freaking me out because as much as my brain says one thing my heart says another. And this guy isn't my girlfriends friend- he's just a guy she has had sex with 3 times and a few days ago she called me telling me she isn't so 100% interested anymore because it's too easy and too predictable with him. I wouldn't do anything, but I just needed an outlet because keeping this inside is too hard and I wanted to know if other people have ever been in my shoes. Is it horrible that I'm upset with my boyfriend because he hasn't been paying attention to me? I always try to be understanding and during the week- ok I get it, but on the weekends he just hangs out with his friends and not once does he take the time difference into account and he just comes and goes as he pleases and then always at like 3 am my time is when he can make time and i've told him that i'm asleep and can't talk then and somehow he doesn't care. he doesn't have time to text because he's with his friends, he doesn't have time to chat. i try to be clear in what i want and what i need and he always says he understands and will do that and he doesn't. it is literally pushing me to find attention elsewhere because i'm sorry i enjoy attention it is part of the reason i am with someone. i want to talk a lot and i want to be involved and share things and have someone tell me i'm beautiful and compliment me and i want to do that vice versa.

[squeeker]

Ahh.. okay.. I think I understand why you are frustrated with your SO more so now.. because it would be frustrating if he didn't even try to make plans. It's understandable if he is working, and it's okay if he hangs out with friends.. but to do that every night especially when he has a girlfriend in another country... I think you need to talk to him, about maybe at least scheduling at least one night a week, if not more, that he would feel comfortable hanging out with you instead of his friends. He might feel bad saying no to his friends, especially if they are all single and might not understand the needs of a girlfriend (or maybe their girlfriend is in the same place and can come along to the hang outs) but he should make more of an effort to communicate to you. Or explain why he can't.. there is still a chance that he has a good reason and cares about you.. but if after talking, and trying to be reasonable about it, if he doesn't seem to care.. maybe it's not the right relationship for you, as sad as it sounds.

I guess I can see more why you are feeling things for this other guy since you hang out with him so much, and even he seems to show an interest more than you.

Give your SO a chance to improve, after you have a conversation with him about how you are feeling like he doesn't care, and want to be able to talk to him more.. a relationship needs communication.

But make sure you don't start anything with this other guy unless things really don't work with your guy, but it sounds like you wouldn't do that anyways. It sounds reasonable what you are feeling.. feeling neglected by one so you start feeling attraction towards someone who is being friends with you and seems to value your communication more.

I think you need to have a good conversation with your current SO to try and schedule more talking time.. it's not fair to you to be staying up all the time if he doesn't even seem to care.. but there might be a valid reason but if he is just hanging out late with friends every night... that's not necessary in my opinion.. but I don't know.. I think you need to talk to him.

[differentcountries]

Try to reconnect with your SO. If you will have time together soon that is great. You don't seemtruly smitten by your friend, you just sound lonely.

[Moon]

I can't say I've ever been in your shoes, but it sounds like this isn't really about an other guy, but about your current one. Keep in mind though that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, as much as it might seem to be. It sounds like you should give the current boyfriend another opportunity, tell him once more exactly what you need from him, and if he continues to ignore it, it's probably time to walk. I know that can be hard, but why let yourself be treated like a second-class citizen? Life's too short for that.

My guy and I have a 7 hour difference, we make it a priority to get that chat in everyday, or at least almost everyday. He stays up, and I make sure to get home from work as quickly as I can, which gives us about an hour most days. It's not about telling you you're beautiful, or giving you compliments, it's about making that sacrifice that shows how much you love someone and how dedicated you are to finding the time for them. That's what love is, words are easy, actions are much harder.

Have that talk, and if he can't give you the time you need, break it off, then try pursuing the other guy. He probably won't end up being perfect either, but then, no one really is. Good luck.

[nerdgasm42]

I saw a funny post the other day on pinterest, that said "The grass is always greener on the other side because it is fertilized with bullshit." It made me giggle.

I am sorry that your current situation with your SO is not the best. But I wonder if you are really having feelings for this other man, or if it's just a grass is greener thing. He's someone who is there, and readily available. Even if you turned to him, can you guarantee things would work out? Or would you be bored within a week? I'm not saying this in a mean way - we all just know how hard LDRs can be, especially when there is another option staring you in the face.

Your vacation is coming up very soon. I would just bide your time until then. Spend that time with your SO and see how you feel. Maybe take the chance to talk about things that bother you, calmly and face-to-face.

Stay strong. Sending warm wishes your way - I hope everything works out for you.

[piratemama]

I like the grass is greener signs, too. I've heard several:
The grass is greener on the other side...
because it's fertilized with manure. (nerdgasm42 - I like bullshit better, though.)
and they have a higher water bill.
so it has to be cut more often.

It is easier to see the benefits of the other guy, but that doesn't mean it would be right for you.

I hope you can get your SO to understand your concerns. As for me, no, I've never wanted someone else, when I was in a relationship. I think you have cracked open that door a little and thought "what if." Just put yourself in your SO's shoes and think how you'd feel if he were thinking the same way.

If he seems unconcerned over your needs, I would wonder if he would be any better CD.

[charly]

I've had these feelings myself. Also in a period my SO and I weren't really connecting, and I just wasn't sure of the whole relationship anymore.
Before talking to my SO I tried listing all his good sides (the reasons I fell for him), because I thought that would bring back the spark.

Didn't work completely, but it surely helped a little. Maybe you should start there. Why did you fall in love? Why is it worth the struggle? Is it still worth the struggle? If you have decided what you want out of your relationship you have to make very clear to him how you feel, and that you need to reconnect. (Having a good conversation during your vacation is probably a good idea!)

Anyways, I hope all of this makes sense, I've typed this up in a great hurry
Goodluck! You can always PM me!

[Hkh8871]

something that just adds to it- I've confronted him and he always responds the same- that he agrees and he has to try harder. on sunday we got into a huge fight because i finally had had enough and told him that i'm not some option and that what i want is important too and he wrote me on monday saying he had neglected me since he's so busy at work and he's seeing me in 10 days but that isn't ok and he will change. what is the most worrying is that he told me on saturday he went out to dinner with his sister and her friends....he didn't elaborate more or mention anything and i just found out that my friend saw him at a club at 5 AM.......and he told his friend who asked him if he'd been good or bad and he said a bit of both but not enough to matter..........this is all freaking me out. i don't know what to think especially since we are going on this vacation. what if he cheated on me? what if that is why he has been so distant?

[silvermoonfairy3]

something that just adds to it- I've confronted him and he always responds the same- that he agrees and he has to try harder. on sunday we got into a huge fight because i finally had had enough and told him that i'm not some option and that what i want is important too and he wrote me on monday saying he had neglected me since he's so busy at work and he's seeing me in 10 days but that isn't ok and he will change. what is the most worrying is that he told me on saturday he went out to dinner with his sister and her friends....he didn't elaborate more or mention anything and i just found out that my friend saw him at a club at 5 AM.......and he told his friend who asked him if he'd been good or bad and he said a bit of both but not enough to matter..........this is all freaking me out. i don't know what to think especially since we are going on this vacation. what if he cheated on me? what if that is why he has been so distant?

Don't start jumping to conclusions about him cheating on you. It's a bad, paranoid rabbithole. Been there.
(In my case, I'm there a bit more often because I actually DID get cheated on once, but it's very easy for your brain to jump to worst case scenarios, and often, they aren't correct.)
Incidentally, in some cases, men who are cheating actually get MORE affectionate with their partners, because they feel guilty or like they need to cover it, etc. (Not always, of course, but yeah.)

The comment he made to his friend isn't the best, and I'd be a bit upset about it, too, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything happened. How did you even hear the comment? Are you friends with that friend, too? Does the friend he said it to know about you?

He probably didn't intend for it to get back to you, and it could even just be that sort of slight "showing off" comment people sometimes make to friends. The part "not enough to matter" suggests to me that he probably flirted a bit, maybe danced with some girls, but that nothing happened beyond that. The bigger question is whether he was flirting/dancing/being a little bit bad as a way to test the waters because he's not as committed to you anymore, or if he was just out with friends and blowing off some steam. I don't know him, I have no idea which it is, and I don't know your level of relationship, or your trust with him, etc.

If he's really just busy, that would explain some of the distance you're feeling. I think being in person together in a little while will let you get a feel for how things are and you can make decisions from there.

Good luck!

[ldrxoxo]

How to stop liking that guy your friend is into: Think of his pp being in your friend. You don't want your friend's stuff all over you do you now? I don't do sloppy seconds. If a friend has already got with a guy I could "like" that's an automatic turn off. Plus, it saves a lot of drama from happening.

[snow_girl]

Think of his pp being in your friend.

[ldrxoxo]

something that just adds to it- I've confronted him and he always responds the same- that he agrees and he has to try harder. on sunday we got into a huge fight because i finally had had enough and told him that i'm not some option and that what i want is important too and he wrote me on monday saying he had neglected me since he's so busy at work and he's seeing me in 10 days but that isn't ok and he will change. what is the most worrying is that he told me on saturday he went out to dinner with his sister and her friends....he didn't elaborate more or mention anything and i just found out that my friend saw him at a club at 5 AM.......and he told his friend who asked him if he'd been good or bad and he said a bit of both but not enough to matter..........this is all freaking me out. i don't know what to think especially since we are going on this vacation. what if he cheated on me? what if that is why he has been so distant?

I can relate to thinking he cheated because he's distant. I asked my ldr interest, too if he's found someone nearby to just tell me already I'm tired of the mind games.

He has made it firm he is not interested in anyone nearby he is busy with school and work. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I told him I'm only okay with this not talking as much as we used to as long as he isn't interested in anyone else because I know he can be busy. I just hate they don't make the time anymore when they used to. Even when he first went back to college he still occasionally talked to me and would tell me about his tests and homework now he just says he's busy he doesn't have time for any girlfriend right now or anyone. He would also used to talk to me about how work went, too, now it's so much pulling teeth to have a proper conversation that I just let it be for now and hopefully in the summer time he'll find more time with no school being in the picture and just work.