My SO has tons of female friends. That's fine. In some ways, it's nice because it shows he gets along with women as more than just people to date, and it has given him lots of practice communicating his thoughts and feelings as well as listening to others.
But there's always that ONE, lol. That one female friend that I'm just a little jealous/wary of. My SO is awesome, and we've talked about this girl specifically, and I trust him.
I haven't met her, and I think that would actually help me a bit. (He's totally open to me meeting her when I visit, and he's indicated that I'd always be welcome to join him with his friends. He thinks that I'd get along with her really well if we met.)
I think I'm a little on edge about her because I'm *fairly* sure she has a thing for him. Now, that's gonna happen, people will have crushes on my amazing SO, and her having a crush on him doesn't even mean anything if he doesn't do something about it.
I'm probably bringing past issues in, from a CD boyfriend who had a female friend that had a thing for him, and just kinda kept at it, and he eventually cheated on me, and it was this whole mess. It screwed with my trust, and sometimes it's hard not to bring that in.
But I'm aware that I could be doing that, and I've discussed that bit of history with my SO, and he's totally understanding about how that could create "back of the mind" thoughts and reassured me that he's committed to what we have and so on. (Seriously, he's great.)
Most of the time, this girl isn't really an issue. She lives several hours away (though she's in his town a few times a year) and the normal friend chatting is totally fine. I mean, I wouldn't expect him to tell me I can't have everyday normal chatting and stuff with my guy friends, I certainly wouldn't do it with him.
But once in awhile, there's a reason it's more of an issue.. like this past week. He had to go to her city for a couple meetings that could result in some work, and since one of the companies he met with was paying for his flights, he didn't have a ton of choice in when they were. That resulted in a longer trip than he originally was planning, 9 days in her city instead of 4-5. He said it was a little annoying to be hanging around so long, but he figured he'd use the extra days to do some further journal article writing and postdoc applications, and catch up with friends he doesn't see much.
The company was paying for the flight, but not for any accommodation, so he decided to crash with her and her roommate (who he's also friends with) at their apartment. He has a few friends in that city, but she's one of his good friends, and their apartment has a spare bedroom. They frequently have houseguests of several days or more, so I guess that's not that odd. And he's quite broke and trying to save money to come see me, so he just figured that'd be easy and convenient. He said he'd make sure we still had some contact.
The girl and her roommate were both working during the week anyway, they didn't take time off, so it really does sound like it was mostly giving him a place to crash, and then hanging out together for a bit in the evenings/weekend. He and I talked about it beforehand, cleared up some questions, I wasn't crazy about it, but it sounded legit.
And he was in touch with me, some emails, some yahoo chatting, so it's not like he disappeared or didn't keep his word. Obviously nothing like the normal amount of communication, but I didn't expect there to be, and that was alright.
But now that it's done (he got home really early this morning, my time) I'm realizing that I was actually more uncomfortable with it than I thought before it happened, and when we had the conversation about it. Not totally sure why, and I'd like to figure that out so I can make sure things are good going forward.
I made some extra plans with my friends while he was gone, and kept myself busy, but even still, he was just on my mind a lot and I was just... feeling some sort of negativity about it for most of the week.
Some of it might be that feeling left out piece that we all experience in LDRs, where little simple things like the three of them making dinner and going to see a play at the local theatre because one of his friends was in it and had comp tickets is something I can't do with him, so there's that extra bit of wistfulness or something.
I dunno.
I think it's probably stuff I just need to work on with myself, because I really don't think he's doing anything 'wrong' and I'm just dwelling on it because it's stuff I can't have right now, magnified. It's a little different when one of us has everyday sort of plans, because we'll catch up with good Skype or yahoo chatting a day or two later, so it's easier not to get quite so down about the distance or feel left out for something like me going to a game night or him stopping by a birthday party. But with a 9 day trip, it's like day after day of stuff we can't be at with each other, and then also no skype or long yahoo chats to reconnect and make the distance feel a little smaller temporarily.
And I was just like.. very aware that it was with THIS girl, even though I get the impression there wasn't a ton of time that it was just the two of them.. the other roommate was around, they all met up with mutual friends, he went on his own to meet friends of his that the girl and her roommate don't know, etc.
So what's up with my negativity and worry/jealousy? Wicked annoying, because I also don't WANT to be like that.
Okay. This turned into a really long, rambly post.
We have Skype plans for tonight and I'm excited.. and hopefully the next long trip will be one to see me and I won't have to worry about this sort of thing for awhile again.
But there's always that ONE, lol. That one female friend that I'm just a little jealous/wary of. My SO is awesome, and we've talked about this girl specifically, and I trust him.
I haven't met her, and I think that would actually help me a bit. (He's totally open to me meeting her when I visit, and he's indicated that I'd always be welcome to join him with his friends. He thinks that I'd get along with her really well if we met.)
I think I'm a little on edge about her because I'm *fairly* sure she has a thing for him. Now, that's gonna happen, people will have crushes on my amazing SO, and her having a crush on him doesn't even mean anything if he doesn't do something about it.
I'm probably bringing past issues in, from a CD boyfriend who had a female friend that had a thing for him, and just kinda kept at it, and he eventually cheated on me, and it was this whole mess. It screwed with my trust, and sometimes it's hard not to bring that in.
But I'm aware that I could be doing that, and I've discussed that bit of history with my SO, and he's totally understanding about how that could create "back of the mind" thoughts and reassured me that he's committed to what we have and so on. (Seriously, he's great.)
Most of the time, this girl isn't really an issue. She lives several hours away (though she's in his town a few times a year) and the normal friend chatting is totally fine. I mean, I wouldn't expect him to tell me I can't have everyday normal chatting and stuff with my guy friends, I certainly wouldn't do it with him.
But once in awhile, there's a reason it's more of an issue.. like this past week. He had to go to her city for a couple meetings that could result in some work, and since one of the companies he met with was paying for his flights, he didn't have a ton of choice in when they were. That resulted in a longer trip than he originally was planning, 9 days in her city instead of 4-5. He said it was a little annoying to be hanging around so long, but he figured he'd use the extra days to do some further journal article writing and postdoc applications, and catch up with friends he doesn't see much.
The company was paying for the flight, but not for any accommodation, so he decided to crash with her and her roommate (who he's also friends with) at their apartment. He has a few friends in that city, but she's one of his good friends, and their apartment has a spare bedroom. They frequently have houseguests of several days or more, so I guess that's not that odd. And he's quite broke and trying to save money to come see me, so he just figured that'd be easy and convenient. He said he'd make sure we still had some contact.
The girl and her roommate were both working during the week anyway, they didn't take time off, so it really does sound like it was mostly giving him a place to crash, and then hanging out together for a bit in the evenings/weekend. He and I talked about it beforehand, cleared up some questions, I wasn't crazy about it, but it sounded legit.
And he was in touch with me, some emails, some yahoo chatting, so it's not like he disappeared or didn't keep his word. Obviously nothing like the normal amount of communication, but I didn't expect there to be, and that was alright.
But now that it's done (he got home really early this morning, my time) I'm realizing that I was actually more uncomfortable with it than I thought before it happened, and when we had the conversation about it. Not totally sure why, and I'd like to figure that out so I can make sure things are good going forward.
I made some extra plans with my friends while he was gone, and kept myself busy, but even still, he was just on my mind a lot and I was just... feeling some sort of negativity about it for most of the week.
Some of it might be that feeling left out piece that we all experience in LDRs, where little simple things like the three of them making dinner and going to see a play at the local theatre because one of his friends was in it and had comp tickets is something I can't do with him, so there's that extra bit of wistfulness or something.
I dunno.
I think it's probably stuff I just need to work on with myself, because I really don't think he's doing anything 'wrong' and I'm just dwelling on it because it's stuff I can't have right now, magnified. It's a little different when one of us has everyday sort of plans, because we'll catch up with good Skype or yahoo chatting a day or two later, so it's easier not to get quite so down about the distance or feel left out for something like me going to a game night or him stopping by a birthday party. But with a 9 day trip, it's like day after day of stuff we can't be at with each other, and then also no skype or long yahoo chats to reconnect and make the distance feel a little smaller temporarily.
And I was just like.. very aware that it was with THIS girl, even though I get the impression there wasn't a ton of time that it was just the two of them.. the other roommate was around, they all met up with mutual friends, he went on his own to meet friends of his that the girl and her roommate don't know, etc.
So what's up with my negativity and worry/jealousy? Wicked annoying, because I also don't WANT to be like that.
Okay. This turned into a really long, rambly post.
We have Skype plans for tonight and I'm excited.. and hopefully the next long trip will be one to see me and I won't have to worry about this sort of thing for awhile again.
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