Insecure

[Jaac]

My freakin insecurity is killing my relationship.
My SO is so busy that he can;t really chat with me, while I really need the chats with him for me to feel like he still wants to be with me.
I know he;s gonna leave his mom in a Aus when he's going back to South Africa and I know he's got a lot to take care of before he leaves.
I know all that!!!
Still I want to skype with him, I want him to chat with me, I want him to tell me he still loves me.
It just turns into this circle: He doesn't say I love you > I get insecure and want reasurance > he gets upset with me because I always ask him to tell me he loves me > I get more upset because he gets angry.... You know?
It's killing me and it;s killing him.
I am really REALLY trying to tell myself that even if he doesn't have time to chat, that doesn't mean he isn't thinking about me and he doesn't love me.

Today he snapped again because I always ask him what he's doing and why he has to go when we're chatting and what he's going to do and when he'll be back to chat for a bit longer and when we can skype. (You see.. I get annoyed with myself when I read what I'm actually doing).
So I asked him if we could talk about this in a normal way because if we keep on letting this be, things will never get better.
So we talked. He basically told me that he can't handle my insecurity and that he's going through a rough time and I'm always thinkin about myself and what I want. If things don't go my way or if he doesn't reply on my messages in time, I freak.
He said that if things carry on this way, he will end our relationship.

I told him I knew I was being selfish and insecure and that I am working on it. It just doesn't happen overnight.
I'm scared to keep on 'just' believing he still loves me when he doesn't have time to talk, because then it will hurt even more when he ends it.
(eventough he says he won't! And he says he loves me)
I asked him if he understood me getting insecure sometimes and he said he does understand, he just can;t do anything about it...
I asked him if he would give me time to work on it. He said that ofcourse he would give me more time and that I really have to try not to be so controlling and stop asking what he's doing, when he's done and why he doesn't have time.

I really want to work on it, but now it feels like damage has already been done. Like I can't do anything to fix it anymore.
How can I get over my insecuruties and how do I keep myself from destroying this relationship?

[Kitten_mittens]

Hmm.. Read "Codependency No More" (or listen to the audio book), see a counselor/therapist, and learn to love yourself (many articles online about working on this). My low self-worth played a part in my relationship ending and I wish I had worked on it sooner.. It's really not an easy fix, honestly. You're the way you are today because of how you were raised and everything that's happened in your life. You essentially need to learn how to love yourself from scratch as your life has made you feel unlovable. It's a super SUPER hard task but if you work on it, it is possible. You can always message me if you need someone to vent to or someone who might relate to you. I was in a LDR for almost 2 years and I am still struggling with insecurities (but working on them). xx

[LittleBox]

You've got to try and keep yourself busy/distracted. I'm sure the time difference between Holland and Australia doesn't help but you could try setting aside an hour of quality chat time rather than bugging him about where he's going or how long he'll be. You can tell you're smothering him, its honestly not helping either of you and adding to the stress he's already going through. There are lot more ways you can show your love other than saying "I love you". It probably doesn't make you feel better if you have to ask him to say it. Step back and look at the big picture, little things he says/does also show how much he cares.

[Squinchy]

Insecurity played a big part in my last LDR ending. And you're right that it's a terrible cycle. However, this is not only a LDR problem, but it happens in all relationships. Kitten_mittens is right. It's incredibly important to love and appreciate yourself. Whenever I get insecure from the lack of chatting, I think of this: Out of all the people in the world, out of all the girls that are actually around him day to day, he still chooses to be with me. 2500 miles away and he still chooses to be with me. So think of it that way, even though there are other people around him, and even though he's going through a lot of rough things right now, he still chooses to be with you. Hopefully that helps! You could also ask him to meet you halfway, and like Littlebox said, try to set up a schedule of an hour at least once a week. He still has time to deal with what needs to get done, and you get chat time. From there you can either extend it from an hour, or even increase the frequency. I hope that helps!

[Jaac]

A schedule would be a good thing, though he works different hours every day and he never knows what he has to do/take care of after work...

It's not that I'm not confident about myself in general. Or maybe I am... I don't know. I think it's mostly that our needs are very different.
I want to chat with him all day, while he's ok with a longer chat every once in a while in the week (and just a quick chat on the other days)
This thing that I'm doing really has to stop though. If he tells me he loves me, I have to believe that. You're right Squinchy, after everything we've been through the last couple of months, he still wants to be with me and give me a chance to change this obsessive behaviour.
He still said I love you after our argument and he told me what I could start to work on.

Well... Tuesday and wednesday I will be working all day, so I only have my breaks to chat with him for a bit.
After that I will go to England Thursday 'till sunday. So that will probably cool things down a bit.
Just less than 4 more weeks and he's back home and less than 3 months to go untill I can see him again.
I just have to tell myself not to stalk him, and to chill... And then listen to myself!!

Thanks for the advise I'm glad I'm not alone with these feelings.

Also I just found this amazing website.. subscribe to the e-mail thingy, and watch the videos, I think they're really gonna help me!
https://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles...relationships/

[differentcountries]

Him not having time to chat and him preffering/being ok with not chatting much are two very different things. If you are really different in your needs/preferences, you should try to meet in the middle. Regarding your incecurities, are there any self help groups you could join? Because it seems to me that the very nature of this problem makes it hard to work on it on your own.

[Courtney]

I haven't been in an LDR for that long, but I think every LDR comes with some amount of insecurities. When my SO and I talked before we decided we would try a LDR, I let him know the kind of person I am. I need attention and reassurances, which initially I received. However, he currently is and will be busy all summer. He runs both a bar and works full-time at Safeway. So, the nightly video chats and texting all day have stopped. I became very insecure, I never knew when we would be able to talk or when he would text me.

Last week we sat down and I voiced again to him the things I need from a relationship. We both came to an agreement that he would text me in the morning when he got off work at the bar and in the evening before he went back to work at the bar. Also, he has two nights off, so on those night we agreed those would be our phone call, video chat and/or date nights. This has helped me a lot because I know when I'll get a text from him and I know when we will be able to talk, taking a lot of stress away from both of us. Also, he said he doesn't care if I text him at any time during the day, but I just need to understand he won't reply right away. It's, also, a bonus too if he does text me outside of our agreed upon times because even though he doesn't say he's thinking of me or missing me I know he does because he took that extra time out of his busy day to do it.

My advice would be to stop telling him what to do and say to you and try to pick up on other cues he gives that show you he cares. Also, try and talk to him and come up with an agreement together on expected times to hear from him, so you're not always wondering if you should be waiting for a phone call or text. Another thing I find helpful that a lot of people on here suggest is keeping busy. I'm finishing up my degree, I am the president of a student organization, and I work. Having all these things to do allows me to not focus too much on what he's always doing and why he hasn't texted or called.

Lastly, if you get the urge to corner him with your insecurities and needs, which may turn in to snapping and arguments try and take a step back until you calm down. I know there are days when I just want to go off on my SO about how unsupportive he is, but if I take a day or so and I don't ever say those things to him it actually relieves my anxiety and he seems to be more open with me too. When I snap at him he starts to distance himself a little because he's so busy he doesn't need the added stress. Usually when we talk I can just see by the way he looks at me that he has misses me and wants to be with me. This makes me less likely to voice a fleeting insecurity, because I'm not getting the attention I want the very second I want it.

[itsjen516]

I understand you in a lot of ways. I do also get really insecure and freak over a lot.
I also always ask him what he's doing but I don't mean it in a contoling way more like I just like to know how's his days going.
Also the little talking time I get you so I don't have much advice just more an I understand kind of thing

[RachelAnne]

I can totally relate. During the year, my SO is always busy, busy, busy, giving us limited time to chat. I always end up taking it the wrong way and wrongly assuming it's because he's losing feelings for me. He reassures me countless times that he's just busy, and tells me I have nothing to worry about. I've been trying to work on this myself, too. Ya'll need to meet in the middle somewhere and agree on a certain type of schedule that works for both of you to talk. In the meantime, busy yourself with things you love and like others have said, just remind yourself that he is with you for a reason

[Jaac]

I've figured out that I'm making my problem his problem, like:
I don't think you care about be, because YOU aren't giving me enough attention.
While being insecure about his love for me is actually my own problem.
After the argument, I realised that I really have to start working on it, otherwise this will be the reason of our relationship ending.

So I read a couple of articles about it (like the one on the website i mentioned before). Everything in those articles sound so familliar and so relatable.
I'm trying all these new things now to just calm down myself.
It's like someone who's affraid of flying. Eventhough the fligth goes well, that person will always listen for a rumble in the engine to confirm his fears. Even if there isn't a rumble in the engine. If you believe in it hard enough, you will hear one.
I compare that with myself. Eventhough he takes his time to say goodnight and I love you, I will just assume: well, that's very short. Something must be wrong...
While there isn't anything wrong.

Anyway, I'm starting to sound like I do need to go to a psychologist haha.
I'm gonna start and give meditation a try... Just to stop my negative thoughts.
And I have promised myself that I can only check my phone every other hour, so that I don't obsess over checking wheather he's been online or not.
Start thinking before I say something I shouldn't, and to find more ways to keep myself busy.

And Courtney, I totally understand that feeling of insecurity when you never know when he's got time to chat.
I'm all about planning so I can look foreward to things. And my SO is all about: We'll see. Just go with the flow.

[youngisthan]

I am glad that you yourself understood that your behavior is irritating him, its good to know that you have realize and its the first step toward working on it.
First of all stop being insecure you should also realize that your such behavior is making him away from you, so whenever you get the insecure feeling just think this is going to take him away and this way you can work on it.
And mainly stop calling him or force him to do things the way you want, when you give extra attention to anyone they will throw tantrums just control and show that you are also ok with it.
Though he says that he don't like that way you call him again and again and whatever you do he is now used to it and when you will stop doing this all he is the person who will affected more by it so at the end he has to come back to you.