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He "can't" call and never gives a reason!!

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    #1

    He "can't" call and never gives a reason!!

    So for almost our whole relationship the only times we could talk on the phone were if he was out of the house, his family wasn't home or it was late at night when everyone was in bed. Now that he has moved and has his own room (still living with family though), he said we would have more opportunities to call and talk. HOWEVER, when I say I miss him and ask to call he almost always says "I can't".... okay that's understandable, but it is ALL the time now when he's home. I know it's still difficult for him to call even with having his own room but it was supposed to give us more opportunities and it hasn't changed anything. So today, once again, I got a little frustrated and asked why he couldn't call and all he says is "just trust me". Ugh I do trust him, completely!! But whenever I can't call, I ALWAYS give him the reason why, no matter how stupid or silly, and now he won't even give me the reason why he can't call.

    Now, we are still kinda private about our relationship. His family doesn't know about me, so it might be strange that he suddenly starts talking to someone on the phone and saying things like "I love you" and "I miss you" and all the normal realtionshipy things. I thought he might be afraid that his family would hear him. But he says that's not the reason and he still continues to just say he's "unable" to call. I'm FREAKING OUT!!!! I feel like he's hiding something and I'm pretty insecure to begin with. But he gets upset and angry when I ask and he just keeps telling me to trust him. It's getting pretty hard to trust him when he won't just give me the simple answer as to why he "can't call". I got so frustrated that I nearly just ended our relationship. I feel like I'm being lied to or he's hiding something.

    Any advice? I really don't know how to talk to him about this anymore since he always says I "make him feel terrible" and he always asks me to leave him alone then. We're otherwise very happy and we normally don't argue or fight often. So what is going on? Am I just over thinking and making this situation worse?
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    #2
    I really wouldn't be able to put up with him being so secretive about his reasons for not calling you etc.
    I don't want to worry you or freak you out but if it was nothing he wouldn't be so defensive in my opinion.
    He needs to stop, I think it's very insensitive of him. Especially since he's getting angry because of it.
    I'm not really sure what advice to give you, you can either trust him with it and let it continue, or you can talk to him and try to explain, again. Explain your reasons because from where I'm standing they're fair!
    Best of luck!

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      #3
      You have been dating for a couple of days?.... Anyway, perhaps he does not understand your need to have reasons (thinking the important thing is that he is unable to call), perhaps he is embarressed to give you the real reason. Anyway, he is not comfortable with you pushing the question. Let it be, focus not on his reasons but what you can do. Can he phone you outside the house (I recon it is a mobile phone)?
      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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        #4
        Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
        You have been dating for a couple of days?.... Anyway, perhaps he does not understand your need to have reasons (thinking the important thing is that he is unable to call), perhaps he is embarressed to give you the real reason. Anyway, he is not comfortable with you pushing the question. Let it be, focus not on his reasons but what you can do. Can he phone you outside the house (I recon it is a mobile phone)?
        We have been dating for over a year. I don't think it has anything to do with being embarrassed since we share everything and nothing is really embarrassing to us. It's frustrating to me that he always calls outside of the house but can seemingly almost never call when he's home and won't give me a reason why. Especially since weekends are the only days we get the whole day to talk and I want to talk on the phone with him on weekends.

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          #5
          My first gut reaction was that he doesn't want to talk around his family, but I don't know now since he says that's not the reason. Does he or his family have financial issues? I'm not sure if you two are calling, or using skype, but it's possible that maybe calls can be too expensive for him, but he's too embarassed to tell you. If he is trying to keep the relationship a secret, then maybe he doesn't want too many calls to show up on the logs so his family doesn't find out? It seems like you have already voiced your concerns, but he is not able or willing to tell you. You can try and tell him again how his lack of information is hurting you, and how you feel you can't trust him when he seems so secretive. Reassure him that if he's embarassed, he can trust you and that you will still love him the same way no matter what. If he still doesn't budge, then let him be. Constantly bringing it up may make him angrier. Then it would be up to you to decide if this is something you can get around, or if it's a deal breaker for you.
          "A kingdom for a kiss upon my shoulder."

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            #6
            Originally posted by Squinchy View Post
            My first gut reaction was that he doesn't want to talk around his family, but I don't know now since he says that's not the reason. Does he or his family have financial issues? I'm not sure if you two are calling, or using skype, but it's possible that maybe calls can be too expensive for him, but he's too embarassed to tell you. If he is trying to keep the relationship a secret, then maybe he doesn't want too many calls to show up on the logs so his family doesn't find out? It seems like you have already voiced your concerns, but he is not able or willing to tell you. You can try and tell him again how his lack of information is hurting you, and how you feel you can't trust him when he seems so secretive. Reassure him that if he's embarassed, he can trust you and that you will still love him the same way no matter what. If he still doesn't budge, then let him be. Constantly bringing it up may make him angrier. Then it would be up to you to decide if this is something you can get around, or if it's a deal breaker for you.
            We are calling, but he has unlimited texting/calling so that has never been an issues. We've spent hours upon hours on the phone, sometimes calling 4 times a day. It's just really confusing since we're never embarrassed to share things, especially financially since we're pretty equal on that topic, so I can't think of any other reason. I've tried to calmly tell him several times and I get the same reaction every time. I love him to death and wouldn't want to end the relationship over something so silly, but I just feel like I'm being lied to and he doesn't seem to understand that.

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              #7
              I read wrong, sorry for that... Since it is not a new relationship it seems more odd. Perhaps you will have to press him on this issue. Tell him simply that you are very confused as to why he doesn't call you at home. I am sure there is an innocent reason for this, but for some reason he is not telling you. You seem sure that he can't be embarressed, but people are embarresed for a million reasons, especially in relation to their loved ones. Money and relations to family are big sources of trouble for most, so those two seem likely. Of course he could be hiding something fishy, too, but anyhow it is not good enough for him to just tell you to trust him. He is not hired by the CIA as a secret agent, and it is not unfair that he should give a good reason why he is not opening a line of communication.
              I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
              - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



              "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

              Comment

                #8
                I agree with the others that say it's weird he won't tell you why and that "just trust me" isn't a reason. Have you expressly told him that you feel worried or excluded since he is being so secretive?

                You say he gets angry/upset if you push him to know why.. I say let him get angry and upset, and let him be the one to get in touch with you again first. Then tell him that him not giving you a reason why he can't ever call is upsetting to you, and ask him to take some time and get in touch when he's ready to talk about it.
                That way, you're not immediately jumping to breaking up, but you're letting him know quite clearly that this secretiveness isn't working for you.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Originally posted by silvermoonfairy3 View Post
                  I agree with the others that say it's weird he won't tell you why and that "just trust me" isn't a reason. Have you expressly told him that you feel worried or excluded since he is being so secretive?

                  You say he gets angry/upset if you push him to know why.. I say let him get angry and upset, and let him be the one to get in touch with you again first. Then tell him that him not giving you a reason why he can't ever call is upsetting to you, and ask him to take some time and get in touch when he's ready to talk about it.
                  That way, you're not immediately jumping to breaking up, but you're letting him know quite clearly that this secretiveness isn't working for you.
                  I told him it's hard for me to trust him and he gets offended and claims he "doesn't need any other reason except he's unable to call". I have decided to wait for him to contact me, but it's so difficult. I'm usually the one who contacts him if we have an argument because I hate waiting around for him but I guess this time I need to let him contact me first if I want answers out of him. Thank you so much, definitely going to let him be the first one to start a conversation this time.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    I don't see any reason to excuse his behavior. He should at least explain things to you. As long as you've known him, it's definitely time for him to let his family in on this. I'd very calmly and rationally explain my fears and concerns to him. Let him know that he must be more open with you. It's not right that he treat you like this. I may have missed it on the thread, but I didn't see anything about Skyping. Have you Skyped with him ever? I know that would give you a feel for what is going on. Have you met him? I'm sorry if I missed that info, too. He may not be who he says he is. I'd be careful. Red flags big time.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Originally posted by piratemama View Post
                      I don't see any reason to excuse his behavior. He should at least explain things to you. As long as you've known him, it's definitely time for him to let his family in on this. I'd very calmly and rationally explain my fears and concerns to him. Let him know that he must be more open with you. It's not right that he treat you like this. I may have missed it on the thread, but I didn't see anything about Skyping. Have you Skyped with him ever? I know that would give you a feel for what is going on. Have you met him? I'm sorry if I missed that info, too. He may not be who he says he is. I'd be careful. Red flags big time.
                      No we've never skyped each other and we haven't met, we send pictures pretty often though. I don't have any doubts about who he is, that's the least of my concerns. I mean I understand the family thing, It's difficult to tell your family that you're in a relationship with someone you've never met, a lot of judgment and rude comments may get thrown around, so that's also not something I'm really too worried about. I just want an answer as to why he can't call, that's the only thing that irritates me.

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                        #12
                        There's a lot of red flags here IMO.

                        How old are the both of you? Does he a facebook or some type of social media?
                        https://wearenottrayvonmartin.tumblr.com/
                        Makes my heart feel better a tiny bit.

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                          #13
                          Originally posted by Kanga View Post
                          There's a lot of red flags here IMO.

                          How old are the both of you? Does he a facebook or some type of social media?
                          Good question.
                          To the OP - In my post I was giving you a hint as to why he can't call sometimes. He may have another life you don't know about. I think Kanga's question is a good one, although people can fake a FB identity. I'd want to see this guy, for sure.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Originally posted by Sarah96 View Post
                            I told him it's hard for me to trust him and he gets offended and claims he "doesn't need any other reason except he's unable to call". I have decided to wait for him to contact me, but it's so difficult. I'm usually the one who contacts him if we have an argument because I hate waiting around for him but I guess this time I need to let him contact me first if I want answers out of him. Thank you so much, definitely going to let him be the first one to start a conversation this time.
                            That is just immature and unacceptable to me. Show me I am worth your time or goodbye. You deserve to treated better than this. For me, this would be a deal breaker. There is no point to be in an relationship if your SO does not want or care enough to make the time for you and if he has some reason, then generally grown ups tell each other why. He needs to man up, you don't need a boy, you need a man to have an adult relationship with.
                            "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
                            Benjamin Franklin

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                              #15
                              Originally posted by piratemama View Post
                              Good question.
                              To the OP - In my post I was giving you a hint as to why he can't call sometimes. He may have another life you don't know about. I think Kanga's question is a good one, although people can fake a FB identity. I'd want to see this guy, for sure.
                              Indeed, the show Catfish is out there for a reason.
                              "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
                              Benjamin Franklin

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