Languages & Communication

[Elena]

So I was talking to Lunamea about being in a relationship where you and your partner don't share the same first language, and we thought it would be good to have a thread about the challenges and thrills of that situation.

So, here are a few questions:
1. Do you and your SO speak the same native language? If so, what language?
2. If not, what are your respective native languages, and which language(s) do you use to communicate?
3. For whoever isn't communicating in their native language, how did you/they learn the SO's language, and what is their level of proficiency like?
--Did you/your SO learn a lot of the language while in the relationship, or did you/they start out the relationsihp with already strong knowledge of it?
4. What challenges has communicating in a non-native language (for at least one of you) created in your relationship? How do you try to overcome those challenges?
5. Does it ever feel like one person has more power, because they're able to communicate easily and freely while the other person struggles? Or is there support to try to communicate as best as possible?
6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in?
7. If you could change it so that you could both have had the same native language, and communicate with no trouble understanding each other (at least literally...as we know you can still have trouble communicating with someone in your native language too!), would you change it? Or do you like it?

That's all for now, but feel free to share anything else or tag on other questions!

[Rach321]

Great questions! I'm not in this situation, but I am really interested in hearing others' replies!

[Nightmare]

1. Do you and your SO speak the same native language? If so, what language?
Nope!

2. If not, what are your respective native languages, and which language(s) do you use to communicate?
My native language is English, and his native language is Dutch. We use English to communicate, because he's fluent in it, and I struggle with Dutch.

3. For whoever isn't communicating in their native language, how did you/they learn the SO's language, and what is their level of proficiency like?
Well, Louis learned English through Cartoon Network! He watched it as a child, and eventually taught himself a lot of words and phrases. Then, he joined the game we met on, and further advanced his knowledge of the English language. He speaks it very well, almost as well as me. He has a few mistakes here and there, but, other than that.. you couldn't even tell his native language isn't English.

4. What challenges has communicating in a non-native language (for at least one of you) created in your relationship? How do you try to overcome those challenges?
Well, sometimes, Louis misunderstands me, or takes things the wrong way because he doesn't exactly understand what I'm saying. We usually work through it, and I'll explain to him, the best I can, what point I was trying to get across.

5. Does it ever feel like one person has more power, because they're able to communicate easily and freely while the other person struggles? Or is there support to try to communicate as best as possible?
Support, of course! Louis likes when I correct his mistakes, but, for the most part, he does pretty well on his own.

6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in?
I live in the United States, and he lives in the Netherlands.

7. If you could change it so that you could both have had the same native language, and communicate with no trouble understanding each other (at least literally...as we know you can still have trouble communicating with someone in your native language too!), would you change it? Or do you like it?
I wouldn't change it for the world. I love it! I love when he speaks Dutch to me, or tries to teach it to me. Some of our most fun conversations have been because of my struggle to pronounce Dutch words. He finds it quite amusing. Plus, I just love the sound of it. It's different, it's unique.. and it doesn't hurt our relationship any. (:

[uk_girl]

Both me and my boy speak English (though he was born in South Africa) but my ex and I didn't have the same mother tongue. As I am so very, very bored right now - I am going to answer the questions anyway if that is ok!! Haha!

1. Do you and your SO speak the same native language? If so, what language? No.
2. If not, what are your respective native languages, and which language(s) do you use to communicate? I speak English and he spoke French! We used English mainly as he was better at that than I am at French, but if he couldn't think of the English word, then we'd switch to French. Every so often we'd have a conversation like "Yes we will go to the cinema *pause* pres de la centre commercial, oui?" Very Franglais!
3. For whoever isn't communicating in their native language, how did you/they learn the SO's language, and what is their level of proficiency like? I am conversational in both French and Spanish, but he was a more advanced level in English, but not quite fluent...as good as though!
--Did you/your SO learn a lot of the language while in the relationship, or did you/they start out the relationsihp with already strong knowledge of it? Already was really good at it, but we kinda helped each other get better! He couldn't write very well in French though - very strange!
4. What challenges has communicating in a non-native language (for at least one of you) created in your relationship? How do you try to overcome those challenges? Communicating with his parents was a nightmare! Lol.
5. Does it ever feel like one person has more power, because they're able to communicate easily and freely while the other person struggles? Or is there support to try to communicate as best as possible? There was definite support and empathy for each other throughout. A lot of mickey taking too if I pronounced something incorrectly...and he said the words 'angry' and 'hungry' very similar. Lots of confusion when he was hungry, I thought I'd done something wrong! Lol.
6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in? We both lived in the same city in England, but he is originally from Burundi.
7. If you could change it so that you could both have had the same native language, and communicate with no trouble understanding each other (at least literally...as we know you can still have trouble communicating with someone in your native language too!), would you change it? Or do you like it? I liked it. Made us unique...BUT it would have been easier had we both been fluent in both languages!

[Tanja]

I'm too lazy to answer all the questions lol but I speak finnish and Andy speaks english and welsh, we talk to each other in english but he's suppose to learn my language when he'll move here, luckily almost everyone in Finland speaks english though. I also would like to learn some welsh but it's SOOOOO hard I doubt I ever will

[Andy]

I'm too lazy to answer all the questions lol but I speak finnish and Andy speaks english and welsh, we talk to each other in english but he's suppose to learn my language when he'll move here, luckily almost everyone in Finland speaks english though. I also would like to learn some welsh but it's SOOOOO hard I doubt I ever will

It's easy

Btw if your first language is English, the hardest European language you can learn is Finnish :S

[Taija]

1. Do you and your SO speak the same native language? If so, what language?
Nope

2. If not, what are your respective native languages, and which language(s) do you use to communicate?
Mine is Finnish, his is English and we always communicate in English

3. For whoever isn't communicating in their native language, how did you/they learn the SO's language, and what is their level of proficiency like?
In Finland, we start learning English at a very young age at school, but I wouldn't be even nearly as good as I am now if it wasn't for the internet. For years, I've read and written in English and slowly learned new words and phrases and corrected my errors with the help of dictionaries and other people.

--Did you/your SO learn a lot of the language while in the relationship, or did you/they start out the relationsihp with already strong knowledge of it?
I was already great at English before we met, but talking with him daily has certainly helped me, especially when it comes to speaking out loud

4. What challenges has communicating in a non-native language (for at least one of you) created in your relationship? How do you try to overcome those challenges?
There are times when I don't know how to explain something in English, but majority of the time we understand each other perfectly - it has never really been a problem

5. Does it ever feel like one person has more power, because they're able to communicate easily and freely while the other person struggles? Or is there support to try to communicate as best as possible?
No, not really. I feel like I can express myself freely in English - sometimes even better than in Finnish

6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in?
I live in Finland and he's from Washington, US

7. If you could change it so that you could both have had the same native language, and communicate with no trouble understanding each other (at least literally...as we know you can still have trouble communicating with someone in your native language too!), would you change it? Or do you like it?
No, I wouldn't change it. Trying to teach him Finnish is fun, and comparing our cultures is fascinating as well. And he thinks my accent is cute. :P

[Moon]

1. Do you and your SO speak the same native language? If so, what language?
Nope, I speak English and he speaks Finnish.

2. If not, what are your respective native languages, and which language(s) do you use to communicate?
We use English, cause I'm pretty sure Finnish is next to impossible to speak Except for curses, I'm getting pretty fluent in them! He thinks it's hilarious to hear me curse in Finnish.

3. For whoever isn't communicating in their native language, how did you/they learn the SO's language, and what is their level of proficiency like?

Raine learned English in school, from watching TV and having to use it conversationally because of work. He's completely fluent, but never believes me when I tell him that, even though I think he speaks it better than I do! It doesn't hurt that I work for a Finnish company and am used to hearing the accent, Finns have an accent that's easy to understand anyway though.
--Did you/your SO learn a lot of the language while in the relationship, or did you/they start out the relationship with already strong knowledge of it?
He was already strong, but is able to speak English much more freely now, it's gotten very natural for him.

4. What challenges has communicating in a non-native language (for at least one of you) created in your relationship? How do you try to overcome those challenges?
We haven't been too challenged because of language, communicating has been easy. Culture has been a little more challenging though!

5. Does it ever feel like one person has more power, because they're able to communicate easily and freely while the other person struggles? Or is there support to try to communicate as best as possible?
No, not at all. We always help each other if we run into something one of us has trouble expressing.

6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in?
I live in the US (PA), Raine lives in Finland.

7. If you could change it so that you could both have had the same native language, and communicate with no trouble understanding each other (at least literally...as we know you can still have trouble communicating with someone in your native language too!), would you change it? Or do you like it?
No way, I'd never change it! I love his accent, it totally adds to his hottness I would love to get Finnish figured out someday though.

[aggie]

oh god, i love this thread! even though my current relationship status isnt known even to me... its been really tough couple of months, im still happy to tell you about it.
1. Do you and your SO speak the same native language? If so, what language?
no... he speaks english (aussie english in fact) and i speak polish.

2. If not, what are your respective native languages, and which language(s) do you use to communicate?
haha. we communicate in english... polish is really difficult, one of the most difficult languages to learn. but he loves listening to me speakin polish ... although he gets annoyed he doesnt understand what im sayin ... so he knows some words. and he knows how to pronounce my name and he always checks whether his friends can spell it properly on invites and such. its so cute!

3. For whoever isn't communicating in their native language, how did you/they learn the SO's language, and what is their level of proficiency like?
well... ive been studyin english since i was 6yo. and even with that i wasnt that good with aussie slang when i first went to aus. its gettin better, but whenever i say hey, im the one who speaks two languages... he always can say something that makes my jaw drop and go 'HUH?!' but other than that, im pretty fluent and we have arguments about proper grammar and stuff

Did you/your SO learn a lot of the language while in the relationship, or did you/they start out the relationship with already strong knowledge of it?[/B]
Well.. as people above said... i was fluent, but its more natural. learned lots of new words (all the lovey dovey stuff that i didnt have to use in english never before)... and i actually cannot imagine being with someone that cant speak english (sorry for even mentioning being with someone, but as i mentioned at the start, i dont know how much further Toby and I can go...)

4. What challenges has communicating in a non-native language (for at least one of you) created in your relationship? How do you try to overcome those challenges?
Well.. he's from a small town and even though I understand english ... sometimes, when we go out with his friends, i go really quite because im not so sure about my skills anymore. its weird, because i dont talk much, and they think im weird. but its just ... i know my friends understand my really strong accent. but new people - well... not always.

5. Does it ever feel like one person has more power, because they're able to communicate easily and freely while the other person struggles? Or is there support to try to communicate as best as possible?
There is lots and lots of support. Rarely, but it happens, that we dont understand one another. But we're not afraid to say : hold on a second, what exactly do you mean? which takes away all the doubts ... and we can just clear everything up.

6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in?
He lives in Australia (VIC), I live in Poland. (basically theres not much choice when it comes to who is moving where... but thats okay, i <3 aus!)

7. If you could change it so that you could both have had the same native language, and communicate with no trouble understanding each other (at least literally...as we know you can still have trouble communicating with someone in your native language too!), would you change it? Or do you like it?
I LOVE IT. well... sometimes we get irritated... but its not that often. and i love how he can always improve my english while still being nice and sweet. its more the culture thing that bothers us... it differs so much, that the language seems to be the littlest thing afterall

[lunamea]

Wow, I'm amazed at your questions, Elena - thanks for putting so much effort into it! All of your answers are really interesting, so here go mine:

1. Do you and your SO speak the same native language? If so, what language?

No, we don't.

2. If not, what are your respective native languages, and which language(s) do you use to communicate?

My husband's mother tongue is Albanian, mine is German. We communicate in German.


3. For whoever isn't communicating in their native language, how did you/they learn the SO's language, and what is their level of proficiency like?

When I met him, he knew very little German, so he mostly learnt through me. His German writing and reading skills could be better, but his spoken German is very good by now. My Albanian is still very poor - it's mostly passive knowledge.


--Did you/your SO learn a lot of the language while in the relationship, or did you/they start out the relationsihp with already strong knowledge of it?

He had almost zero knowledge when we met and he learnt most of what he now knows in our relationship. Sadly, I haven't learnt much Albanian in our relationship. I understand quite some from listening to him talking to his family, but I can't really say a lot myself. I always wanted to learn it, but there never seems to be enough time...


4. What challenges has communicating in a non-native language (for at least one of you) created in your relationship? How do you try to overcome those challenges?

There's challenges for both: as he had very limited knowledge of German when we met, communication was sometimes frustrating and it took us a long time to get our points across. We used a lot of gestures and bits and pieces of languages we know (he took French and English in school, but doesn't remember much, I took Italian in school and study English) to somehow create our own language - when people hear us talking to each other (still), they say we speak our own language... there's just so many things we took over from other languages and things we put differently than you normally would in German. I love it!

5. Does it ever feel like one person has more power, because they're able to communicate easily and freely while the other person struggles? Or is there support to try to communicate as best as possible?

Not anymore. I know it felt like that for him at the beginning, because we live in Austria and he needed my help with basically everything, but now, he can do everything by himself. I sometimes miss the old times (not because I feel I had power over him, but because we did everything together). I'm still the first he comes to for support when he doesn't quite understand something, though - he doesn't feel embarrassed to ask me.

6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in?

Ha! Doesn't apply to us - not generally. At the moment, I study in the US, but usually, we both live in Austria - he immigrated from Kosovo.

7. If you could change it so that you could both have had the same native language, and communicate with no trouble understanding each other (at least literally...as we know you can still have trouble communicating with someone in your native language too!), would you change it? Or do you like it?

No, I wouldn't change it. Even though there's still misunderstandings from time to time and they may turn into arguments (mostly because I by now assume that he knows German like a native speaker, when there's still one thing or the other he misunderstands or puts in a way that I misunderstand it), one of my best memories is "teaching" him my language and proudly watching how fast he learned (and still learns). I love the cute mistakes he made and how we always talked without feeling awkward, had so much fun and got to know each other so completely... a friend of ours once said: if you share love, you don't need to share a language!

[Andy]

1. Do you and your SO speak the same native language? If so, what language?

Nope, She's Finnish, mine's English - we both speak English though she's taught me the odd word in Finnish of course


2. If not, what are your respective native languages, and which language(s) do you use to communicate?

Oops, just answered that in 1 lol. Maybe I talk too much...


3. For whoever isn't communicating in their native language, how did you/they learn the SO's language, and what is their level of proficiency like?
--Did you/your SO learn a lot of the language while in the relationship, or did you/they start out the relationsihp with already strong knowledge of it?

At school, growing up. She's got pretty much perfect English.


4. What challenges has communicating in a non-native language (for at least one of you) created in your relationship? How do you try to overcome those challenges?

None. I'll be moving to Finland soon enough though so I'll have to learn Finnish inorder to get a job. I'm probably going on a course in the summer.


5. Does it ever feel like one person has more power, because they're able to communicate easily and freely while the other person struggles? Or is there support to try to communicate as best as possible?


Nah.


6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in?

Already told you that


7. If you could change it so that you could both have had the same native language, and communicate with no trouble understanding each other (at least literally...as we know you can still have trouble communicating with someone in your native language too!), would you change it? Or do you like it?

Hmmmm I didn't really need to answer all these questions did I...

[Darth_Taco]

1. Do you and your SO speak the same native language? If so, what language?
Nope :P...I think XP

2. If not, what are your respective native languages, and which language(s) do you use to communicate?
I am a native Spanish speaker. His parents never taught him Spanish so he speaks English as a first language. Since he still struggles with Spanish we speak English to each other XP.

3. For whoever isn't communicating in their native language, how did you/they learn the SO's language, and what is their level of proficiency like?
--Did you/your SO learn a lot of the language while in the relationship, or did you/they start out the relationship with already strong knowledge of it?
I've been learning English since I was 5-years-old out of necessity xD. Back in the 90's you needed to speak English or you'd starve to death XP. I was born in the wrong decade D:< Anyway, I'm considered fluent with an accent :P.

4. What challenges has communicating in a non-native language (for at least one of you) created in your relationship? How do you try to overcome those challenges?
Actually, we both struggle with English from time to time XP. He has a minor birth defect so he struggles with memory from time to time. He has trouble remembering words. I've always struggled with language for God knows what reason. When we're together we can overcome this with interpretive dance, but when we're separated things tend to go similar to "OH MY GOD!!! WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO NEXT!?"

5. Does it ever feel like one person has more power, because they're able to communicate easily and freely while the other person struggles? Or is there support to try to communicate as best as possible?
More like support. I have a freak of nature memory so I can help him if he forgets words. I have a lot of trouble with language comprehension so when I spew out random words he puts them into sentences for me xD.

6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in?
Actually, we both live in the United States :P. I live in Nevada and he lives in California. I was just raised really Mexican XP. He was raised less Mexican :P. By the way, we're both Mexicans xD.

7. If you could change it so that you could both have had the same native language, and communicate with no trouble understanding each other (at least literally...as we know you can still have trouble communicating with someone in your native language too!), would you change it? Or do you like it?
I'm...not sure. It would be nice if he could also speak Spanish so he can talk to my relatives. I like all the charades and teaching each other language comprehension and vocabulary though. I also like teaching him Spanish. I don't know! D: I guess I don't mind. No need to fix this since it still works for us :'D. Also no point in wishing for something that can't happen XP.

[Monkey Man]

Well we both speak English, she knows quite a bit of Spanish, more than me any way. But some of her family I know are native Spanish speakers. Could be an adventure there, but I should learn it being so far south.

[lunamea]

6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in?
Actually, we both live in the United States :P. I live in Nevada and he lives in California. I was just raised really Mexican XP. He was raised less Mexican :P. By the way, we're both Mexicans xD.

ROFL! Really funny, and really cute!

[Earytha]

1. Do you and your SO speak the same native language? If so, what language?
Nope

2. If not, what are your respective native languages, and which language(s) do you use to communicate?
Mine is English, his is Danish. As I can't speak much danish (more than a few sentances) we communicate in English

3. For whoever isn't communicating in their native language, how did you/they learn the SO's language, and what is their level of proficiency like?
He learnt it at school from quite a young age and he also has two brother who are at least 9 years older than him so he used to play english games with them.

--Did you/your SO learn a lot of the language while in the relationship, or did you/they start out the relationsihp with already strong knowledge of it?
He already knew a significant amount of english already, having completed the danish equivalent of a-levels in it as well as playing online games a lot hehe
He has learnt more I think since we got together, in particular the differences between US and UK english hehe

4. What challenges has communicating in a non-native language (for at least one of you) created in your relationship? How do you try to overcome those challenges?
The only real issue is for me communicating with his family, his dad and grandmother can't speak any english and my danish is not at a level where I can communicate with them well, I am learning and they are both understanding and can't wait for me to be able to talk to them

5. Does it ever feel like one person has more power, because they're able to communicate easily and freely while the other person struggles? Or is there support to try to communicate as best as possible?
Definately.. when we're in denmark, he has to do the communicating for us, its not possible for me and when we are out with his friends and family, they'll begin to converse in danish and I'll be left out of the loop.

6. Since I assume that for most (although certainly not all) couples in this situation, you're living in different countries, what countries do you live in?
I live in the UK and he lives in Denmark

7. If you could change it so that you could both have had the same native language, and communicate with no trouble understanding each other (at least literally...as we know you can still have trouble communicating with someone in your native language too!), would you change it? Or do you like it?
No I wouldn't change it, I love danish, despite it being incrediably hard to learn! One day it will be easy for me to communicate in it and for now we do fine in english It makes the relationship special that we have different languages to communicate it.