Being younger...

[Unconditional]

Quick question guys.
Does being in love at a younger age hinder the ability in the relationship to go far? (either in LDR or CD)
I understand that about under 17 or so that kind of does hinder it, or I think it does anyways, but what about over 18?
Because at 18 if you can drive and have a job you're basically set I feel to begin a relationship. That's just my opinion though.
This is something I have been wondering for a little while, as I have met many people who got married young (like 22.)
Just wanted to hear your guys' perspective on this.

[Moon]

Yes, absolutely, but it depends on what you mean by "younger". I don't think 22 would be a hindrance, but 14,15,16 definitely would make it unlikely. I think those more transitional years, like between 18 - 21, it could go either way, sometimes you get lucky and find a right person by then, and are mature enough, and sometimes not

[François]

I know a couple who've got in a relationship early (in secondary school), they have got married just after being graduated (at 20 years old) and it was 10 years ago. Now they are still married and have a child who's 3.
I think if love knows no distance, why does it knows age ?

[silvermoonfairy3]

Age *inherently*, no.
The problems come in with all the changes that sometimes accompany growing older, in terms of figuring out who you are and what you want. Some people figure that out much later/older than others, some figure it out pretty young.

One thing I will say for me (at the ripe old age of 30!) is that I really had very little concept of how much learning and growing and changing I was going to do in the decade of my 20s - 30s. And at 20, I thought I was (and was, really) a reflective person, who had a good sense of who I was and what I wanted. Now, looking, I realize just how much I was still figuring out. Stumbling through first loves and managing friendships and growing into myself.

When I was younger, I also let myself 'put up' with more stuff than I would now. Relationships take work and always have compromises to be made, yes, but it took years of practice to find the sweet spots and learn how to handle things effectively and healthily.

Some people, at a young age, may be able to work through that together. Many many times, people can't. Because the relationships when you're young are sometimes just ultimately learning experiences and good times, more 'stepping stones' for later deeper things.

But, as I said, this doesn't specifically and inextricably have to do with age. It's more about the sense of self and understanding of love and the world and each other, of the people involved.

[silvermoonfairy3]

But, anecdotally for what it's worth, just about everyone I know/went to high school with that got married pretty young (early 20s) is now divorced. (We're all in our 30s.) I think a lot of those marriages were the result of being in love, sure, but feeling the pressure to turn that love into marriage right now, because that's what's "supposed" to happen after college by some arbitrary timeline.

[Unconditional]

But, anecdotally for what it's worth, just about everyone I know/went to high school with that got married pretty young (early 20s) is now divorced. (We're all in our 30s.) I think a lot of those marriages were the result of being in love, sure, but feeling the pressure to turn that love into marriage right now, because that's what's "supposed" to happen after college by some arbitrary timeline.

That's what I'm afraid of, is divorce.. =/
not that marriage is in the future or anything, divorce in general just scares me.
Although I suppose there are exceptions to every circumstance, huh.

[silvermoonfairy3]

That's what I'm afraid of, is divorce.. =/
not that marriage is in the future or anything, divorce in general just scares me.
Although I suppose there are exceptions to every circumstance, huh.

Yes, there are always exceptions.

And yeah, divorce can happen, though if it does it isn't the end of the world.

I guess I would say, from my experience seeing marriages that work and don't, the reasons for getting married are pretty important, and the two people having compatible expectations of marriage. I see a lot of people that rush to get married once they're in love and at a marriable age. I don't get it. If this is the person you're convinced you're going to be with, I'm not sure to what extent having the piece of paper actually solidifies it.

Maybe it does in some people's heads I dunno. But it could also be some underlying subconscious thought that once someone gets married, they have that partner locked in, period. They won't have to worry about breakups and heartache or something. Not so much the case. To an extent marriage is more "permanent", yes, but I think that understanding of it, where "whoo, now I'm never single again" probably leads to less effort, less compromise, etc. and that's where the problems come in.

Everyone I know with a "good" long term marriage doesn't take their marriage as a given, doesn't think their relationship is unsinkably permanent because of marriage, and therefore they work hard at it, like they would in a non-marriage relationship.

[Unconditional]

Yes, there are always exceptions.

And yeah, divorce can happen, though if it does it isn't the end of the world.

I guess I would say, from my experience seeing marriages that work and don't, the reasons for getting married are pretty important, and the two people having compatible expectations of marriage. I see a lot of people that rush to get married once they're in love and at a marriable age. I don't get it. If this is the person you're convinced you're going to be with, I'm not sure to what extent having the piece of paper actually solidifies it.

Maybe it does in some people's heads I dunno. But it could also be some underlying subconscious thought that once someone gets married, they have that partner locked in, period. They won't have to worry about breakups and heartache or something. Not so much the case. To an extent marriage is more "permanent", yes, but I think that understanding of it, where "whoo, now I'm never single again" probably leads to less effort, less compromise, etc. and that's where the problems come in.

Everyone I know with a "good" long term marriage doesn't take their marriage as a given, doesn't think their relationship is unsinkably permanent because of marriage, and therefore they work hard at it, like they would in a non-marriage relationship.

Very true. So basically the gist of it is to make sure you're marrying for the right reasons? and that being married does not mean you are less susceptible to your relationship ending, so try just as hard to stay together as you did before you were married?
This is a very intriguing conversation, I'm enjoying it ^-^

[Moon]

Very true. So basically the gist of it is to make sure you're marrying for the right reasons? and that being married does not mean you are less susceptible to your relationship ending, so try just as hard to stay together as you did before you were married?
This is a very intriguing conversation, I'm enjoying it ^-^

I got married at 21, for the "right" reasons, and it still didn't work The reasons aren't necessarily a predictor, but when you're really young, you kind of think you know who you are and what you want, for both you and your partner. After some years go by, you'll do a lot of changing and learning, and a ton of growing. Sometimes the way you both do that will be compatible, and headed in the same direction, and sometimes not, which is where you'll run into trouble. Hah, if it were up to me, nobody would be able to get married before 25

My daughter is 25. She's been with her boyfriend for something like 9 years, I think they'll always be OK, so it is possible. Had she told me a few years ago they were going to get married, it would have turned really ugly, but now they're both old enough and mature enough, that I sort of am looking forward to it (sort of because they live with me, they're saving for a house, and I'll miss the hell outta her!). I think people rush into it too fast, it's like they get so caught up in the idea of it that they do it too soon. There are exceptions to that, like long term LDR relationships, but unless you have to, there nothing wrong with taking your time. Younger people tend to be a bit more impulsive, which isn't good for marriage.

I think being married makes you more likely to stay together than if you're just in a relationship. It's very easy to just break up when you're just boyfriend and girlfriend, it's a hell of a lot more complicated to dissolve a marriage, and much more expensive, too. Plus you think about the vows you took, and at what point do you stop being miserable and break those vows. Neither are easy decisions, but you can walk away from a relationship much easier, so I think you fight it less. Or, that could just be me.

[Unconditional]

I think being married makes you more likely to stay together than if you're just in a relationship. It's very easy to just break up when you're just boyfriend and girlfriend, it's a hell of a lot more complicated to dissolve a marriage, and much more expensive, too. Plus you think about the vows you took, and at what point do you stop being miserable and break those vows. Neither are easy decisions, but you can walk away from a relationship much easier, so I think you fight it less. Or, that could just be me.

No it makes complete sense! It is very, for lack of a better word, easy to walk away from a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship than a marriage.
True, I may think I know what I want, or I may used to think I knew what I wanted but really I only have the sliver of a clue.
Like for years I had it stuck in my head that I wanted to become a veterinarian...but now, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm just taking one day at a time these days. Doing what makes me happy.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Yeah.. my older brother and his wife got married 2 years ago.. she's 32 now, and I remember celebrating her 18th birthday at my dad's house. They were together for like 6 years, got engaged, and then just kinda didn't get married for another 6 years.. it just wasn't crucially important to them at those points in their lives, and they were already committed. They've just grown and changed compatibly, apparently.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I agree with Moon that a lot of times people will try harder for a marriage because they're harder to end, but actually, in some ways, that's why I think it's a problem to get married younger. These might be relationships people are fighting for that they "shouldn't" be, because it's actual incompatibility based on changing as you get older, which would have been solved by a breakup had marriage not entered into it.

[Unconditional]

Yeah.. my older brother and his wife got married 2 years ago.. she's 32 now, and I remember celebrating her 18th birthday at my dad's house. They were together for like 6 years, got engaged, and then just kinda didn't get married for another 6 years.. it just wasn't crucially important to them at those points in their lives, and they were already committed. They've just grown and changed compatibly, apparently.
I agree with Moon that a lot of times people will try harder for a marriage because they're harder to end, but actually, in some ways, that's why I think it's a problem to get married younger. These might be relationships people are fighting for that they "shouldn't" be, because it's actual incompatibility based on changing as you get older, which would have been solved by a breakup had marriage not entered into it.

I've always thought a long engagement would be nice in the future. There's so much pressure to get married after an engagement that people often have a super short engagement, which just does not make sense to me. Maybe it's a personal preference thing.
It is kind of a problem to get married young, why rush into something if you think you'll have forever to be together? If you have forever, why not take it nice and slow?

[Moon]

I agree with Moon that a lot of times people will try harder for a marriage because they're harder to end, but actually, in some ways, that's why I think it's a problem to get married younger. These might be relationships people are fighting for that they "shouldn't" be, because it's actual incompatibility based on changing as you get older, which would have been solved by a breakup had marriage not entered into it.

Oh yes, absolutely true!

[rhabdoviridae]

My SO and I started dating in 2005, when I was 17 and he was 18 and we've been together ever since. We were married a year ago (25 and 26) even though people were asking about when we'd get married far sooner. His parents divorced when he was a kid and it wasn't a nice one. We waited to get married until we'd been LD for at least a year because I was moving and like all big life things, we didn't know how it would change our relationship. (Fortunately, it has only made us stronger. I think we matured to a new level that I wasn't even aware we were missing.)

There really is no switch that is flipped at 18 or 21 or 25 or 30; everyone progresses in their maturity (or doesn't...heh) at different rates and that seems to be largely dependent on the experiences they have in life. By experiences I don't mean able to drive or drink, but relationships both romantic and platonic, travels, family situations, work experience, etc. Oftentimes younger people have not yet had significant experiences that shape their perspective on life. The older you are, the more likely you are to have lost a friend, moved, met a lot of people from many walks of life, had to pay bills, worried about something that directly impacted your future, etc. Even most eighteen year olds have not live outside their parents influence, and that's a big life step.

I generally tell people that my situation (where we began dating early and remain together happy as clams) is outside the norm because life experiences like going away to college, getting an education, working, paying bills, meeting new people, etc all change people, whether they realize it or not. Fortunately, my now-husband and I grew together and neither of us changed so drastically as to negatively impact our relationship. What we've experienced together (even though we've taken very different paths in life) has built our bond, but that isn't always the case.