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    I don't know what the problem is anymore...

    So it's almost a month since I came home now and since then our relationship has been really rocky. In the first few days, I felt there was something going on and we talked. She said that she just lost her feelings. Right after that, I lost myself and become super insecure. I called and text her all the time and it annoyed her. I didn't want to be like that but it just burst out. As time goes, I talked with her and her friends and the problem as I perceive was that I was too immature.

    First she thought that me being all insecure like that is immature. I admit it and I am now giving her some space, just a short message at the end of the day to talk about our day and all.

    Then she thought the fact that I'm going home without a good plan in my mind (finding a short term job, do something ambitious...) was also immature. She loves to work and she has job now so I understand why she feels like that. However, that was not what I had in mind. I wasn't going to lie on my ass all day for the whole 4-month vacation. In fact, I tried to get a job in the UK where I study but failed. Then I figured that I might just go home and find another one. And I'm going to work starting next week. Sad thing is she wasn't aware of my plans since both of us were busy with our study and work. And I'm not the type of detail planning, I just make myself some goals, pick one and work on it until I have no more chance and move on the other one. So I couldn't tell her exactly what exactly I'm planning except I'm getting a job. To be honest, in the past, I was a carefree guy and was quite dependent on my gf. But since last year I started living on my own and with some ambitious friends so I'd say I'm more focus on my future and career now, but she still thinks that I'm the same person last year whom she had to tell what to do. I started to think that there were some problems in our communication that made her misunderstand and turned her off

    We held hands, hugged and kissed but she said she didn't feel the spark anymore. I asked her if we should break up but she said she doesn't because she still loved me so much after almost 3 years together. She wants to take our relationship slow and simple. I still give her space and only text her once a day, but they just turn awkward though I tried to show that I still care and love her. But when I want to meet her she just hesitate and it makes me feel that she's not ready to see me.

    I just think that the fact that she misunderstands me and my reaction to it made her lost attraction to me. We both want to make it work again and give the relationship a chance. So what can we do? I really appreciate you help.Thanks

    #2
    Im sorry you are going through this. All of us in LDRs go through problems like every other couple.

    Tell her that you are actively working towards creating a better future for yourself, and for the both of you as a couple. Even though it might not be crystal clear now, you are trying your best and that itself is such a beautiful thing

    it might be a case of misunderstanding. she loves you and wants the best for you and that might come off as too strong. you said she is a career woman, and they tend to be more independent and headstrong and a lot more assertive.

    I am also going through a rough patch with the bf, lets do our best

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      #3
      what makes me sad is that she is kinda ignoring me whenever I try to reach out to her. So I'm thinking of no contact for a while so that we can have our own time, and in worst case, I can get used to it.

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        #4
        Originally posted by dorabase93 View Post
        what makes me sad is that she is kinda ignoring me whenever I try to reach out to her. So I'm thinking of no contact for a while so that we can have our own time, and in worst case, I can get used to it.
        That's the only piece about this that bothers me. For me and my SO, things have been working better for both of us since we starting talking about our plans together. We've since found much common ground in our plans, and where there are holes, we talk them out as we find them. It's a constantly evolving process of our current lives separate of each other, and our (potentially) future lives together.

        I'd hate for you to be living in limbo. And I don't really care for the fact that she's pointing out how immature she thinks you are. A mature person would talk out the issues you two are going through, instead of ignoring you as she seems to be doing. I don't want to be a Debby Downer for you. We can bounce off ideas if you would like, but I'll be honest in saying I'm not feeling really confident in your situation. At least take some time to consider what you want? That's the most important thing anyway, is taking care of you
        Last edited by merlinkitty; June 4, 2014, 02:32 PM.
        "Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

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          #5
          I can only underline what merlinkitty said. You don't have to and shouldn't bug her constantly, no, especially not when she's asking for more space, but definitely communicate and talk about the wishes and desires that the both of you have.

          ~
          It'll take a lot more than words and guns
          A whole lot more than riches and muscle
          The hands of the many must join as one
          And together we'll cross the river

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            #6
            What did you learn: Stop contacting her.
            You need to allow her to come to you at her own pace.
            Also give yourself some time. As you said you are growing more and more independent and you have found some great friends who support your developement. You will have to find out if she is supporting your growth or if she is keeping you down from your self-improvement.

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              #7
              Thanks you guys for your help. Yesterday she sent me a random hug message which made me feel a little bit better

              I think apart besides the misunderstand between us, she's just got a full-time promotion from her intern job so I think she really wants to focus on that job and said that she wanted to take it slow with the relationship. I agree that it's reasonable to concentrate more on her work since she worked really hard for it. But honestly I just need a couple hours, talking for a while and sharing stuff but whenever I ask her excuses are she's either busy or she had plans with her friends already. I don't know if I should even try to ask anymore. I really don't want to sound needy but this is not very healthy for a relationship imho.

              Regarding my development, I'm actually have choice of where I want to work now so it's going well. I know she supports me with all these because I know she wants someone who is work oriented like her. I'm also gradually confident about myself more (I have HUGE self-esteem issues), and I'm sure I'll do a good job a work . Though I'm not sure about the relationship if this level of communication keeps on

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                #8
                Originally posted by dorabase93 View Post
                Regarding my development, I'm actually have choice of where I want to work now so it's going well. I know she supports me with all these because I know she wants someone who is work oriented like her. I'm also gradually confident about myself more (I have HUGE self-esteem issues), and I'm sure I'll do a good job a work . Though I'm not sure about the relationship if this level of communication keeps on
                Congratulations! That's awesome about the employment situation. I'm sure you'll do fantastically with work I'm also sure you're much more qualified than you give yourself credit for. I've got huge self-esteem issues too, but if you give yourself a chance, I think you'll see your confidence grow

                I do agree with you regarding the communication level. I know she's quite busy but you do deserve to be treated better than this. Suggestion if I might? Don't worry about what she wants so much Do this for yourself. One of the things my SO has driven home for me is the free choice that we ALL have. You have the free choice to work or not work, to shower or not shower, to be nice to someone or not, to take control of your own life or not. I know some of those examples are silly, like why on earth wouldn't you shower?! But these are choices you make every day to be the person you want to be. Your free choices He showed me I had the power to be who I wanted to be. Every time I get off track he sends me this quote:

                “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”

                He hasn't felt the need to send me this in a long time. I've done my best to do the things that I want for myself, have surrounded myself with people who support me in those endeavors, and have found the people that stick by me are the ones who matter all of this have helped me so much and I've felt my confidence grow. This is a life long process, but do this for yourself. I think you'll find the right people will stick by you
                "Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

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