BF treats me like a bro not like an SO

[eikellegimaa]

Hello, I just made an account to ask you guys for help. I'm dating a guy and we live in the different ends of Europe, he's 19 and I'm 21. We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for a bit less than a year and a half and we haven’t met yet, we’re planning to meet this fall. Though he’s a nice, very intelligent and handsome guy I have a problem with him – he has stopped treating me like a girlfriend and he treats me more like I’m one of his guy friends.

This means frequent banter and jokes that I’m not a fan of, for example “mum jokes”, also very little sexual activity and barely any compliments. When I say that I don’t like this and that it gets frustrating he says that this is just who he is and he thought I’d accept him just how he is and that I knew what I was in for when we started dating, though I wasn’t! He acted different when we just got together – really sweet and always saying nice things and not being insensitive – and I guess we’ve been getting more comfortable with each other so he has started treating me differently. Note: this is mostly a problem when we’re skyping (so would possibly happen when we’re together too), doesn’t happen much when we write to each other.

I’m thinking he’s also getting bored since I am a fairly boring person – don’t have any separate hobbies anymore and I’d feel guilty picking them up again since it means we could spend less time skyping. He often says that I should talk more but when I try to talk about some topic he just says ‘okay’ and ‘alright’ and ‘nice’, he doesn’t seem interested at all.

All the banter and putting me down and lots of funny jokes gets tiring and I end up in a bad mood and not wanting to talk to him… I can’t remember the last time we had a proper conversation. Like I said before he just claims that this is who he is and I know that if it doesn’t change I’m slowly going to start disliking him. When I confront him I sometimes get called whiny or hormonal and it does not help one bit. It’s seriously influencing our relationship and I don’t know for how long I can handle it. He says that he loves me and I love him too but sometimes he’s making it so hard.

We have the same long-term goals and I can’t imagine life without him so I really want to work it out. Maybe it’s just an age difference thing and it’s going to stop once he’s a bit older? Maybe I’m just more sensitive now? I don’t know.

Sorry if this sounds really ramble-y and confusing, I’m not a native English speaker and it’s hard to think straight. If anyone has overcome a similar problem I’d be more than happy to hear how you worked it out.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Most people act at least a little different in the beginning, and most people have rose-colored glasses on when viewing their partner.

It sounds like you're out of the honeymoon period, and now is when you see if you're really compatible and how things will go. Unfortunately, and I don't want this to sound harsh, it sounds like you might not be compatible longterm, once that newness wore off.

I’m thinking he’s also getting bored since I am a fairly boring person – don’t have any separate hobbies anymore and I’d feel guilty picking them up again since it means we could spend less time skyping.

This is a mistake that a lot of people struggle with when getting into relationships, especially early on in your late teens/early 20s. You *need* to maintain some separate hobbies, friends, your life. Think of it like.. when you start dating someone new, you aren't adopting a totally new life.. you're inviting them to be part of your current life, and asking to be part of theirs. If you don't have any current life, there's not much to bring to the relationship.

I know it's hard when it cuts into Skype time, and I'm sure most of us here have struggled with that at various points. There are times when I deliberately try to organize my plans with friends to be on days that I know my boy can't Skype anyway, but sometimes there are activities and events that happen during prime Skype time, and it's still important to keep the outside activities sometimes.

he just claims that this is who he is and I know that if it doesn’t change I’m slowly going to start disliking him.

Honestly, it probably *is* who he is. People often get caught up in this mindset of "oh, if only s/he was like they REALLY are, the way I know they used to be" etc.. when the way they are now is, in fact, how they are.
Also, it's very unlikely that he's going to change, and expecting him to will set you up for further frustration and disappointment.

People can attempt to make some concessions for their partners, and be mindful of things that are annoying or things that could be helpful, etc. but expecting major changes isn't necessarily going to work.

When I confront him I sometimes get called whiny or hormonal and it does not help one bit.

This also indicates a lack of respect for you, and is another red flag.

He says that he loves me and I love him too but sometimes he’s making it so hard.

Here's the thing that sucks about relationships and learning and growing through them, and it's a tough pill to swallow.. sometimes, love doesn't mean longterm romantic compatibility. Sometimes, we can love people that are totally wrong for us, and being together in the intense way that relationships require just makes us frustrated and unhappy, and, basically, the opposite of the type of feelings we want from relationships.
It sucks, it's hard, but sometimes it's the case.

Maybe it’s just an age difference thing and it’s going to stop once he’s a bit older?

Maybe, but at the same time I don't think that's a good thing to wait around on. This doesn't quite sound like the sort of situation that makes sense to "stick it out" so to speak. Everyone runs into issues with things in their relationship that are problem patches to get through, and partners that love each other grit their teeth and move past the issue. But this sounds like his actual nature, his patterns of behavior, etc. That's not like.. a little obstacle with things you're both working toward and just getting through a sucky rough patch.


I dunno. I'm sorry if this all seems sort of blunt and negative, but it really kinda just sounds like you guys ultimately might not be a great fit. I'd suggest talking about that with him, saying you're really struggling with it all, getting his opinion when you stress the seriousness of it, and taking some time to both think things over.

Good luck.

[80anthea]

Have you spoken to him about this?

[seras]

Hi! Google Ideas for LDRs.

There are 1000 questions that couples can ask each other to know more about each other. We used to do that alot.

And I bought romantic card games called fan the flames and something else. It has cards to discuss romance, intimacy and love

Check out their other stuff! Google TIME FOR TWO, because I can't link links

I play games with her over google hangout, have fun guessing drawings and laughing!

These were what we did..And it was fun.

[whatruckus]

I agree with Silvermoon completely, this what my ex started to do and, needless to say, that's why he's my ex. He got wayyyyyy too comfortable and just didn't try anymore/seemed like he cared. He also used to put me down in the same way as yours and I couldn't stand it. Once they start putting you down like that, it'll never stop. It'll just keep escalating. Any time you're upset, he'll just brush it under the carpet and say you're just being moody. :/ This is just from my experience, however.

I'd also like to mention, you're both young. If it bothers you this much, maybe you need to take a break or end it. There's someone out there for everyone. :]

[eikellegimaa]

Thank you for your replies, I will try to talk to him about it again. I really don't want to break up with him over this but if nothing works I'm afraid it's what has to be done. Then again I don't know when to have that conversation, it's his exam season and it's really stressful for him, it also might partially be a cause of this though I've been experiencing this for several months. I've no idea how to talk about this and may have to do it over text so I won't break down crying haha.

[jbble]

Hey,

I had a similar issue- not that he's acting different, but we've been apart so long and we started to run out of things to talk about and conversation got boring. It's hard because when we're in person there's not a constant need to talk- we can just sit in the same room and be happy for each other's company.

So I decided it was time to try something besides Skype, and I found a fun MMORPG game online called Dofus. I've never played an MMORPG before but I do like a few old school gameboy RPGs, so I thought it might be a good idea to play with him. And it was great! It was the "closest" I've felt to him in a while, because it felt like we were exploring a new world together and that whole video game feeling of being able to achieve new goals and levels quickly was an excitement we could share- we didn't have to try to make conversation, we just reacted to what was happening around us like we would out in the real world. It was lots of fun.

Maybe you could try something like that? And also yes, hobbies are good. I just took up skateboarding because it's summer and a board is very easy to just take outside any time you are lonely or have some time to yourself and don't know what to do, and it's fairly easy to learn.


All that is, if you do want to stay with him. Like some of the other posters said, he seems like he's acting kind of mean, so you might want to find someone... nicer.
Good luck!

[differentcountries]

More hobbies, less Skype, see if you miss each other.

[seras]

Is that advisable? What is he starts getting suspicious? And even worst acts on it and cheats on her? You should explain what you are doing properly to him if you are going to take more time away..

[Hollandia]

Have the two of you had the conversation about other people? Are you exclusive? If not, then I am sorry he might be seeing other people and passively pushing you away. Don't assume a year and half of LDR means you are, if you don't know for sure, ask him. If he says yes, then plan to make a trip, soon and iron it out in person. This might just be who he is, if it is, is it a deal breaker? We all tend to present a better version of ourselves when we first "meet" and later as relationships continue on, the real "us" comes out more and more.

There is really nothing wrong with the fact that a healthy 19 year old guy wants to talk about sex and not compliment you a lot. He is still immature because he has not had the chance to live that many life experiences that will teach him certain behaviors are not appreciated by many women. Then again, tbh, there are 60 year old men that still act that way. You have to decide if the two of you can work through this or not.

Also, stop putting yourself down and comparing yourself to him. You are as interesting as you choose to be, and there is nothing wrong with that. A man that truly loves a woman will love her for who she is and not who he wishes she could be. No matter how hard either of you try if when your true selves are out, and they will come out, and they don't mesh, you won't work. My advice to you is this. Be yourself. Be proud to be you. Grow to be the person you want to be and if it is meant to be it will be and if not then it won't. You would much rather find out now then 5 years and 2 kids down the road. In order to truly to be happy with someone else you have to be happy with yourself.

[GuineaPunk]

More hobbies, less Skype, see if you miss each other.

differentcountries summed it up very concisely! Sometimes people find themselves more in love with having a relationship than the person, seen it more-so in close distance partners, but I would imagine it is easy to fall into that pit in long distance too! You might view things in a different light after some you time.

I think the most concerning point you made in your post was that you are a boring person. I'm sure that is not the case, but if you genuinely feel like you are a boring person, you need to get back to those hobbies, and maybe even find some new ones. The second you stop considering yourself a boring person and you engage with things that genuinely interest you, the more interesting you will be to other people. Whether that be your current boyfriend, friends, family, colleagues, whoever. There is nothing more attractive than a capable, confident person who doesn't rely on someone else for their happiness or their kicks, and you'll feel so much better in yourself

[whatruckus]

I agree with Hollandia completely, and I'd also like to mention that you shouldn't be making excuses for him as well. Just because he has exams and he's stressed out does NOT give him the right to put you down. Everyone has things going on in their lives that stresses them out a lot, but it's not an excuse, not in the least bit, to be mean and condescending.

Also, STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN TOO!!!

[snow]

OR, how about, maybe that is just how he is.
Have you told him from the beginning that you don't appreciate mum jokes or the teasing? If you did and he did it from the beginning on, why did you tolerate it? I can see how he can be confused, thinking you accepted his joking side, but now you think it is annoying.

Honestly, to me it really sounds like he is just being himself and enjoying his time with you, not just as a girlfriend, but as a friend. If you need more girlfriend time and less friend time, then you will have to tell him that. I kinda feel like you are in the transition phase after the honeymoon phase, where lovey-dovey stuff ends and is replaced with enjoying each other's company.
I doubt he is seeing someone else. Where would he get the time from, when they are skyping everyday? I really think he just got more comfortable around you.

Now when it comes to you talking, and him just saying "okay", "alright", "nice", maybe he is genuinely listening, but has no opinion on the matter. I know I say stuff like that if my man tells me something and I don't really know much about it. I won't pretend I have an opinion on something, when I don't and he does the same thing with me.

Not giving you compliments anymore and not doing sexual stuff is upsetting, I'm sure, but maybe you could try initiate it yourself. Not everyone needs sexual things in the same amount.

[Hollandia]

OR, how about, maybe that is just how he is.
Have you told him from the beginning that you don't appreciate mum jokes or the teasing? If you did and he did it from the beginning on, why did you tolerate it? I can see how he can be confused, thinking you accepted his joking side, but now you think it is annoying.

Honestly, to me it really sounds like he is just being himself and enjoying his time with you, not just as a girlfriend, but as a friend. If you need more girlfriend time and less friend time, then you will have to tell him that. I kinda feel like you are in the transition phase after the honeymoon phase, where lovey-dovey stuff ends and is replaced with enjoying each other's company.
I doubt he is seeing someone else. Where would he get the time from, when they are skyping everyday? I really think he just got more comfortable around you.

Now when it comes to you talking, and him just saying "okay", "alright", "nice", maybe he is genuinely listening, but has no opinion on the matter. I know I say stuff like that if my man tells me something and I don't really know much about it. I won't pretend I have an opinion on something, when I don't and he does the same thing with me.

Not giving you compliments anymore and not doing sexual stuff is upsetting, I'm sure, but maybe you could try initiate it yourself. Not everyone needs sexual things in the same amount.

When someone wants to cheat, you would be amazed at how they find the time. I lived with my first husband and found out later that he had cheated on me for over a year with a local bartender. We had a house and a baby together. He was there when not working most of the time. He had used a few of his "guy times" throughout the week to go see her instead. One night was a pool league and another a time to work on old cars together and also a bowling league. I was young and naive yes, but he also came home every night and most of the time, we still had sex 2-3 times a week.

If her SO and her have not had a talk about exclusivity, it is not even cheating. It just means that he thinks they are still seeing other people. If he used to more "boyfriend like" and now is not. It is not a far reach to think it is time for that conversation for confirmation. Nobody is calling him a bad guy, the question is, does she have that confirmation?

I agree on the other statement however: as I stated, it also might just be who he is as his true self and again, there is nothing wrong with him if this is the case and that she would need to decide if this is the type of person she wishes to be with.

I am most upset by her blaming her self for not being interesting enough because of her lack of hobbies or anything else. I don't think you should be who you are for another person. I think she needs to be who she is for herself. If she wants more hobbies for herself, then she should get them. If she would only be doing it to make him "like" her more , then it is wrong. She should grow into the person she wants to be and if it is meant to be with her as she is, then it will be. It is not, then there will be someone else out there that will love her for exactly the person that she is.