Do I move on and heal or hold on?

[Zephyr]

Hello. I am new to this site and have been reading a lot of posts and am very happy to have found others here who have been going through similar situations. I have recently ended a long distance relationship and really need some advice on where to go from here.
Here is some of the background information without bombarding you with too much…..
First, our relationship in a nutshell and all the good stuff. We met in the states (I am from the US, he from England) on a vacation in which we were both traveling with a group of friends. We instantly clicked, however we were both in relationships, very unhealthy ones I should add, so we became friends. The moment I met him I knew he was the one and I still remember that moment, I was just in awe of him and how he made me feel.
Fast forward a year later. We both went on the same vacation, it is an annual thing we do with friends, and had both ended our relationships. We had the same chemistry and just knew that we needed to be together. A few weeks after that vacation I flew to England to see him and we officially began our relationship. The whole next year we were head over heels in love, constantly communicating, visiting each other frequently and just having an amazing time as you do in the beginning stages of a relationship. We met each others friends and family and we all got along wonderfully. The distance was hard and the time difference, but we made it work. We discussed the future frequently and made plans together for me to begin the process of trying to move there. I sold my home, took a leave of absence from my job for a year and began looking for a job in England. It was a lot more difficult than I had anticipated it being, especially with all the visa regulations. That put some stress on our relationship. He also knew that he would soon be out of a job at the end of May, with no prospect of a new job. He is also starting a small business and his income was supporting that business, again all added stress. I was never able to find a job in England, unofficially do not have a job where I live (although chances are I could get it back) and have no home. I am living with my parents now. More stress…...

Now, where we are today and the sad stuff. We officially ended things two weeks ago, although we had been having some issues for about a month. I have been devastated and so has he. It was a mutual decision, but he said he was struggling to see a future anymore and his feelings have changed, meaning that he didn't feel the same spark as he did when we first met. I, of course, as a female wanted to talk it out and communicate and we tried. I felt like it was coming out of nowhere and he tells me all this about a month before I was hoping to come out and visit him for the summer and look for jobs there. At first he did not want to break up or communicate less, but as time went on our relationship began to change. We were not communicating as much and became more like friends. I told him I would give him space and time to think, which didn't work out too well because I thought…space?? We already have enough space between us! I thought if we didn't communicate it would kill us. He, however, just kept saying that he didn't know how to explain his feelings and that his head and heart were all over the place. Us talking more at that point wasn't helping him figure things out. When we kept talking it was just giving me too many mixed messages. He said he still loved me and that I was amazing, but he just needed to get his head straight. Every time I heard that I was hanging on to a tiny thread of hope that things would go back to how they were. But, as time went on it was just causing me to be on a roller coaster of emotions. As of three days ago, I sent him an email saying that I have to officially cut off contact from my end. I told him he could contact me if he needed too. We have tried this all before, but couldn't stop talking, although during those times we hadn't officially ended things. This is the first time that we haven't had contact for more than two days and it has been extremely difficult for me.
I still love him and would be willing to make things work. I feel like he may be giving up too easily on this, ending a committed relationship just because his feelings changed slightly?? I am just wondering how long do I hold on? I have let him go for now and am a mess. I am giving him time to think about things, but am I just being naive here? Has he been trying to tell me things are over for good and I am just not listening or is there some hope?
If you have been in a similar situation or have some advice I would truly appreciate it.
Thank you

[squeeker]

Oh no I'm sorry you are going through this!

I think it sounds like it might be best to move on and try and heal.. it sounds like you came out of the "honeymoon stage" and now there are things coming up or you are acting more like 'friends' which really isn't that much of a bad thing in my opinion because a good relationship is between two friends! I don't know what's really going on.. well he might be feeling insecure if he lost his job and then you can't find a job there (I don't blame either of you the job market sucks, especially in the UK as far as I hear from my British boy who is unemployed but at least can get benefits which mean his dad and him are able to live and he's studying at uni so he is building towards a future.. but before he had the uni he went through many depressed stages and still sometimes goes there.. sometimes I have too).

I can see it might be even harder when you two are older.. because it will likely take a long time, and even longer when you both are unemployed.. it's kind of the case with my boyfriend and I, although we are studying at uni in our respective countries now so hopefully that will help us out a bit. Though it's kinda scary.

It's hard to tell from your post whether he really wants to end things or whether he is just feeling sensitive and scared about the future and wants to 'make it easier' for you.

I think you should try and have a good conversation where you talk about all these things.. maybe in type like you are writing here, but in a message between you two..

Also.. think about what you want.. how do you feel about him, do you want to be with him even if it takes years before you can close the distance permanently? Maybe write down the things you like about him and love about him and write the things you don't like/things that bug you about him..

I think if he keeps up this behaviour though, you should just try and move on and heal. I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I hope all the best for you.

[temporaryuser]

could he not be employable here? Is there a reason he wouldnt consider moving to the states?

[Zephyr]

Thank you so much for your responses. I truly appreciate it.
To answer the question about employment here, he recently started a small business with his friend and the income from that job was supporting the small business. He was not considering looking for jobs here because of that and thought that he would need to at least be employed for two more years before the business began to make revenue and then he could quit and do the business full time. Although, at the beginning of our relationship he was willing to try and move here. Now with his unemployment I am not sure where his head is with that all given that I have cut off contact.
I do believe that we came out of the honeymoon stage given that we had been together over a year now and were moving past the fantasy part into the reality part, if that makes any sense. I do think he is scared and so am I. Moving to a new country is a huge step, especially since I did not have the job and visa in place yet. The problem with trying to communicate right now, even by email, is that he cannot explain his feelings which makes it very frustrating for both of us. I had sent a few emails (before the actual break-up) and he has said he is not able to respond because again, he has no explanation for how he is feeling and doesn't even begin to know how to respond. To me, it makes me think he doesn't want to try and work it out because he can't respond.
At the same time, when we were still in contact he would tell me that he still loves me and thinks about me and was equally devastated when we broke up.
I am left very confused……….

[merlinkitty]

I am too, confused, I mean. I've been reading this and I've not been sure what to say. If he's not willing to make an effort, that's something else entirely, but it seems to me you have given up your life to try and make a go at this and he seems to have given up just as the going got hard. Maybe it's a good thing he's given up. I don't know. I really do feel for your plight. I hope, however this resolves, that you are able to get yourself put back together again. I'm just in shock how much you gave up for him and now he's all "this is too much. I can't be bothered," and then let's you go. I hope the best for you. It's been a rough year or so for you.

[Zephyr]

I need some advice again please! My ex and I are still broken up, but I feel like even months later I am not over him and the emotional pain. I do realize that it will take awhile to move on, but how long? I want to know whether or not I should try talking to him about making things work again. I know I still want to be with him and still love him.
My ex and I have been very civil to each other and remain in contact. Not daily, but every couple of weeks or so we will text. We have sent some emails back and forth discussing our relationship more and he did finally admit that he was scared which is why he ended things. I was happy that he was finally honest with me, but I also am left very frustrated thinking that this is something we could have talked about and tried to communicate about. He says he stills thinks about me everyday. Every time I ask him how he is doing, he says just ok. To be honest, so am I, just ok. I tried the stupid no contact rule to try and make him miss me and want to get back together, but we just couldn't stop talking.
I am thinking that if he did want to get back together he would have tried by now. However, maybe he is scared to talk to me about it. I have been very honest with him and told him how much he hurt me and how much my life changed after he broke up with me.
I just don't know if I should try to really let go or see if he would be willing to make things work again. We have so many factors against us because of the distance, but I just can't stop thinking about him and I truly do think we are meant to be together.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you!

[whatruckus]

I need some advice again please! My ex and I are still broken up, but I feel like even months later I am not over him and the emotional pain. I do realize that it will take awhile to move on, but how long? I want to know whether or not I should try talking to him about making things work again. I know I still want to be with him and still love him.
My ex and I have been very civil to each other and remain in contact. Not daily, but every couple of weeks or so we will text. We have sent some emails back and forth discussing our relationship more and he did finally admit that he was scared which is why he ended things. I was happy that he was finally honest with me, but I also am left very frustrated thinking that this is something we could have talked about and tried to communicate about. He says he stills thinks about me everyday. Every time I ask him how he is doing, he says just ok. To be honest, so am I, just ok. I tried the stupid no contact rule to try and make him miss me and want to get back together, but we just couldn't stop talking.
I am thinking that if he did want to get back together he would have tried by now. However, maybe he is scared to talk to me about it. I have been very honest with him and told him how much he hurt me and how much my life changed after he broke up with me.
I just don't know if I should try to really let go or see if he would be willing to make things work again. We have so many factors against us because of the distance, but I just can't stop thinking about him and I truly do think we are meant to be together.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you!

This is really something you need to discuss with him. Do you want to get back together with him? Do you think he'll be scared again? Can you trust him again? If he does it again, is this something you could through again? If you're not sure, or you think he'll run away again, you can't trust him, or you can't go through this again, then don't get back with him. If that's the case, you need to end contact. Obviously still being in contact makes you miss him more.