Time to walk away for good?

[laurenandjames9]

This is a long story, but I will try and keep it short. Me and James split up because I caught him out talking to other people. He completely betrayed my trust, and I knew I had to end it. A few days later he messages me and we start talking again. This all happened in March. We got back together at the end of May, and things have been going great. I knew James had Facebook, but he said he never used it, so I thought ok. I've been onto his profile a few times since just to check and he had posted pictures from games and stuff. James then admitted that he does go on it for games. When we got back together, I said I either want us to be friends on Facebook or delete it. This may seem harsh, but I needed to put my mind at rest, seeing as he betrayed me before hand. Anyway, he said he would delete it. I hadn't mentioned anything since we got back together about it, but yesterday I looked to see if he had deleted it, and he hadn't. When I asked James about it he was very defensive, and said that he will do it in his own time. And all I do is demand things. I really don't understand this. I still think it's weird that he didn't just want to be friends on there so he could keep it and use it for games. Alarm bells were then ringing in my head, like any normal person.

Now I am really unsure about everything. I am a paranoid person, but to me this does seem really weird. What should I do about it?

Lauren

[silvermoonfairy3]

"Caught him out talking to other people" like... he told you he was gonna be doing something, and instead he was chatting with someone/didn't have time for you? Was this a girl/an ex?

Why does it bother you if he talks to people? I'm just curious what the betrayal/trust issue cause was, if there's something more that got left out when you shortened the story.

Without more details, it sounds like you're bringing a lot of jealousy in addition to trust issues. Checking up on his facebook, expecting him to delete it, etc. It sounds like you're smothering him, and I'm not surprised he's been defensive about it.

I will grant that it's weird he doesn't want to friend you on FB, but have you asked him why, or actually communicated about it?

Again, without more details, my opinion is that you need to get your jealousy and trust and paranoia under control. It will just drive away guys you try to date, because they will - rightfully - feel like you don't treat them fairly and equally. Unless there's wayyyyy more going on that this guy has done in the past, I think you're being unrealistic and unfair.

[laurenandjames9]

He was sending in appropriate messages to other people, and arranging to meet up with them for sex. He lied about where he lived at the beginning of our relationship.

Anyone would be paranoid if they were in my situation. It may seem harsh to ask him to delete his Facebook, but he had been messaging other people and I couldn't get back together with him thinking he would.

[Unconditional]

Hmm, from the extra details you've divulged to us, I don't believe you're in the wrong.
But, his lying about where he lives gives me a red flag. How do you know he has led about that?
The while Facebook thing is ridiculous, if you've been together for a year, then he should have NO problem accepting your friend request on there. He shouldn't have had to been given an ultimatum of deleting it or adding you, to actually add you..

[laurenandjames9]

His brother had posted on Facebook about going home for his Dads birthday. When I said that to James, he finally admitted it. I had suspicions before though, and gave him the opportunity to tell me. I understand what you mean about I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum. I just wanted to be able to trust him again, and he agreed to it.

[Moon]

To be honest, if he was messaging other people for hook-ups, I'd have never gotten back together with him in the first place. Not friending you in this situation would be too suspicious for me, I wouldn't put up with it at all, though really, you can't tell him he has to delete his Facebook. For me, I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with so much deception, you deserve better.

[Unconditional]

I understand what you mean about I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum. I just wanted to be able to trust him again, and he agreed to it.

I think you miss understand me. I said 'He shouldn't have HAD to be given an ultimatum', he should have just been willing to accept your friend request.

[Unconditional]

To be honest, if he was messaging other people for hook-ups, I'd have never gotten back together with him in the first place. Not friending you in this situation would be too suspicious for me, I wouldn't put up with it at all, though really, you can't tell him he has to delete his Facebook. For me, I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with so much deception, you deserve better.

I agree with moon. I would high tail it outta this relationship immediately. Then again, I have no tolerance for cheaters, no second chances given

[laurenandjames9]

I understand what you are saying. My head was telling me to do the right thing, but my heart took over because I still had feelings for him. Maybe if I would have waited longer I would have had the courage to make the right decision. I really do deserve better, but its hard to let go of him.

Thank you

[laurenandjames9]

Yes I did sorry. He wasn't willing at all, because he just kept saying he didn't use it so it would be silly to be friends on there.

[kittyo9]

Why would he choose to delete his facebook over just simply being friends with you? I don't really understand that part. If you guys are supposed to have a trusting relationship, he should be open and honest with you, whereas telling you he's going to delete it and then saying he'll "do it on his own time" sounds more like he has something he's hiding or holding on to. I don't think I would be able to trust him at all based on what you've told us. That would be my sign to walk away.

[laurenandjames9]

Thank you. I really don't understand it either. When I try to talk to him about it, he just says stop going on. I know what I have to do, but its going to be really hard.

[Moon]

Thank you. I really don't understand it either. When I try to talk to him about it, he just says stop going on. I know what I have to do, but its going to be really hard.

It will, but you'll be much better off for it. Go find someone who appreciates and respects you.

[laurenandjames9]

Thank you so much for the advice.

Lauren

[silvermoonfairy3]

Oh, yup.
With the additional details that he was meeting up sex and whanot, your suspicions are completely justified.

Unfortunately, I agree with the other posters. Break up with him and move on to someone who will treat you better.