What's going on?

[scarytimes]

Hey guys, I'm new, but I have a problem I really need answering, because it's been bugging and hurting me for days. Excuse me if I'm vague on the details of the relationship, I'll try and be as descriptive as possible without revealing much.

A backstory first: before the current relationship I am in now, I was 'in love' with another guy for a significant period of time. This 'love' was obsessive, unhealthy, and only contributed further to the low self-esteem that I suffer from. When I finally moved away, I never wanted to go through something like that ever again, knowing how much it destroyed me for such a long time.

Fast forward to now, I've been with my current boyfriend for around six months. Whilst together, everything is great. Sure, due to my mental health, we argue a bit, but even when it seems like we're on the brink of the end, we always manage to rescue and repair, and I'm looking for ways to get better, with his help. I felt like I fell out of the honeymoon stage quite early on, but despite this, in the last few weeks, I've still loved spending time with him and it's been time that I've treasured immensely, especially considering now we have to LDR.

This LDR is a pretty damn long one, but one I'm committed to seeing the end of, as someone who never seems to finish what they start. There is a rough end date, so it's not as though I'm hanging on until the call suddenly comes one day, I know when this will roughly end. It's vaguely expensive to meet him, but we want to meet every six weeks or so, when time and money allow.

Here's the problem: I don't feel like I'm missing him at all. In fact, I don't feel feeling-y at all. And it really disturbs me. Well, it's not too bad when I don't think about it too hard; when I listen to our music, I'll have a smile, if I smell something that reminds me of him, I smile, but nothing like the warm glow I'd get if I smelt 'his' smell in real life or if we listened to that music and danced round his room together. I read all of these posts on here saying 'I miss them so much', 'I get a massive ache all the time', 'how will I survive this when all I want to do is be with them', and I just can't relate. It's not that I don't want to be with him, it's just that I don't really have much of a burning desire to. I feel indifferent, and my relationship deserves better than indifference.

I certainly don't want to split up. He's one of the only people who actually understands me and accepts me completely, and I'm the same to him. He's my best friend, and if we were still in a CR, there would be no problems. Sometimes I've seen him too often and I feel a bit like I need time with other people, but after a day of not seeing him (but still on Facebook), that soon goes. I want to grow with him and experience my life with him. This is exactly what I needed after the last guy that I 'loved' - I'm not being too obsessive and needy, and I can love someone not to the detriment of my own health. It's not like I was even in a rush to get into a relationship after I moved away, this one I'm in snuck up on me.

How can I bring back the IRL feels and stop being so worried about not being caught up in feels right now? Thanks guys

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Well, from what you said, it seems that you might be trying too hard to keep from feeling needy or obsessed, so you've turned off completely. Just relax a bit, think of all the things you love about your guy, the things that make you smile. Stop treating him like just a friend, and start treating him like a lover, if that is what you want. Be flirtatious with him, send him sexy and romantic "photos and quotes" that you can find on Facebook pages like Hopeless Romantics 101, LFAD, or Lovers Long Distance Notebook, and be sure to personalize them with your own flirtatious messages. Send him photos of yourself. Send Voice Messages to inbox, in your sultriest voice. The thing is, if you are feeling sexy, even going through the motions of being sexy, the feelings will come back. But mainly, just relax and enjoy it. And when he responds, don't fight it. Enjoy him on chat, text and Skype, or whatever media you use. It will come back.

[Dave12314]

Everyone deals with their feelings differently. It seems like, from what little I can gather, that you weren't ready to be in a relationship yet, but this guy makes you feel better about yourself....that he meets your emotional needs. Sometimes that can be difficult to come to terms with when you're not in the right place. My SO has some difficulties expressing her feelings at times. She has all the achy miss me feelings, but it's difficult for her to explain when something bothers her. Communication and trust is key and we are working through it and being successful at it. It is also hard living separate lives and it can be easier for someone to repress their feelings of longing rather than facing them head on. Another thing to think about is do you really love this person? I see that he is something that is a lot more healthy for you relationship wise than your ex, but it might be that he is better as a friend than a boyfriend. We don't always choose the ones we love....or the ones we don't. Ultimately it is close to impossible to truly love someone unless you love yourself first. It's also very difficult to open up and make yourself completely vulnerable to someone else. These are just thinking points as I don't know your situation fully. I would recommend that you give this relationship some serious thought and then communicate with you SO so that the two of you can figure it out together. Be honest with one another...even if the truth may hurt, it is important to keep an LDR going strong.

[scarytimes]

Thanks for the responses, it's interesting to see two different points of view. I do keep questioning, but I believe I do love him. It's true, I missed out on being single and enjoying it. But at the same time, I think that this relationship has only enhanced my life. True, it's been hard, but it's done a lot for me, and I really want to do a lot for him. I think over the course of the day, I've been feeling better, and I've been thinking about him all day, not because I'm forcing it, but because I want to know how he is and that he's happy.

I just think that I've got to the point where I can come to see that I've got a life here to focus on, and the fact that that doesn't prevent me from loving my boyfriend. The question is, how can I accept that? I feel like I've still got this warped version of love in my head from the previous guy, that I need to suck up obsession like a vampire - which is obviously not true. How can I accept that I don't have to be overly obsessed in order to continue to want this relationship? Thanks for all your replies thus far

[Miasmata]

I agree that everyone is different, and nobody can tell you how to express and experience your feelings. If you love him and he loves you, that's what matters, because every relationship is different and works out different. If the way you're thinking about him and treating him makes you both truly happy, there is nothing wrong with it.

You should definitely communicate your worries with your partner, and ask them for their honest opinion on the matter. If they feel right with the way you act and show your affection, you don't need to worry.

We all get moments of weakness and insecurity where we feel like we don't do enough, or we aren't good enough, or whatever. It's absolutely normal. You are a very strong person, especially for fighting with your own demons and issues so bravely, and there is no reason not to be proud of that. Don't let a few insecurities tell you that you're not good for your partner and that you can't be happy in the way you are. You two grow and develop together, and with plenty of communication and honesty, that can work out in any way as long as it's good for you!

I wish you the best of luck on your path, and I hope you continue to get more confidence in yourself.

[Alsfia]

A massive ache or being on the verge of tears is not the only way to miss a person. I myself love my SO more than anything in the world and I would never pass upon an opportunity to be with him or have him here with me, but I don't carry around an empty hole inside me when were apart for that. I miss him, constantly, but it's more of a... tired... feeling more than anything. I don't have quite as good apatite when I'm not with him and I sleep more, for example, but I'm not lonely. I suppose I cope with the distance fairly well. Maybe you just react the same way I do?