Open Invitation to Group for those whose SO is Taken by somebody else

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

In the International Forum, we have been having a discussion about the challenges, frustrations and pain of being with someone who, for whatever the reason, is taken by someone else. Some of us decided we needed a group for this, so I created LDR Love Affairs. I have several topics up and am creating more, but don't have many members yet. So I would like to invite others who are in this situation. I feel that we need a place to share our experiences and support each other without judgment or criticism from those who don't understand, or have rigid moralistic viewpoints. The fact is that life doesn't always fit nicely into neat little boxes, and nothing is black and white.

Please join us. Check us out at https://members.lovingfromadistance....hp?groupid=162. Or just click on Groups and look for us:

LDR Love Affairs.

Hope we can get the group growing.

[OperaDiva]

Your posts from the past few weeks have made me so angry that I considered leaving the forum. And I still might do just that, but not before I told you how I feel. The fact that you call somebody's family a “complication” for your affair is beyond appalling. A family, with children, is not something secondary to your desires and ego, and the fact that you consider and paint yourself as a victim is beyond immoral.

To be clear, this is not “rigid morals”, this is a statement of fact – you are willingly and continuously (for 4 years!) aiding the destruction and undermining of somebody's family. You choose, day after day, for years, to participate in a lie that goes against commitment and the health and happiness of children. Don't get me wrong, he is guilty, he is a lier and a manipulator, but so are you. The worst part is that you don't even realise what you are doing, you don't even realize how you are hurting so many people, just because it makes you feel better. As a matter of fact I put myself in a similar situation (there were no kids though) for about 2 weeks, but I was 21, and I got out as soon as I understood the consequences of my actions. You are even hurting yourself, by making excuses for whatever crappy treatment he gives you because he strokes your ego and you feel good in the short moments you are together in some fashion. Regardless of your “twin flames theory”, there is no excuse in the world for willingly hurting other human beings by lying and manipulating, and there is no love to be found with a man that blames you for him being married. If he wanted to be with you and spare the feelings of his wife and kids then he would not be lying to them. I am not going to analyse your obviously poor self-esteem because this is not what makes me angry.

The thing that insults me for real is that you are flaunting your choices, as if there is any excuse or morality in what you are doing. You look for commiseration, you create a group, as if there is any wisdom or goodness to be found by legitimizing affairs. I joined this forum because it is clean, because there is compassion and because there is honesty. But your group and your statements insult my morals and I will not accepts this with silence or maybe even by staying here. If your so-called “group” grows or if there is any defense of you I will certainly leave because I do not want to be part of a community that condones this sort of behavior, even with its silence. There is, after all, one of the things that is black and white for me - I do not want to be a part of a group that condones and accepts cheating, lying and hurting other people, especially children.

[snow]

I don't judge you on your personal choices, nor do I judge other people on their choices, but I do not agree with wanting to have more people cheat on their partners, throwing it into the faces of monogamous people as if being with one partner and staying loyal is "having rigid moralistic viewpoints".

[differentcountries]

You are right in that we don't know the specifics, but that is because you never share any. Cheating is one thing, but lying over years is a way of life, and also part of the personality of the man you hope to share your life with. I hope your group can be a place where people can find some solutions and not just consolation. It is easy to be moralistic when you dont have the specific problem, or when solutions come easier to you. Still it is hard to read your posts these days, because openness is so very important to me and you share the joys of your secrecy.

[snow]

Sorry DC, I keep forgetting about polyamory. Scratch the monogamous from my post.

[Elizabeth123]

The fact is that life doesn't always fit nicely into neat little boxes, and nothing is black and white.

While this is true - I feel strongly you are lying to yourself.
If your SO is already in a relationship WITH children then he is cheating on his spouse and you at the same time.
Why would he suddenly change his behavior if he left his spouse?
He might decide to be with you and start another LDR with a third person....would YOU accept (yet again) another person into your relationship?

[Moon]

I don't agree with AAG's relationship choices either, but she is in an LDR of a sort, and she DOES have the right to create a group for like-minded people, and she does have as much right as anyone else to be here. If you don't like what she's doing, put her on ignore and move on. It's not right to call someone out publicly because they're in a relationship you don't agree with, THAT goes against what this forum is about.

This is a global forum, full of people with differing opinions and lifestyles, we won't always agree with everyone and their choices, and if there are those whose choices are offensive to you, ignore them. There is no need to get nasty about it. I don't think that differently than you do, but it's not up to me to police people's lives. Live and let live.

[80anthea]

Like Moon, I think you are entitled to start a group, no-one can stop that, but also like OperaDiva I am incredibly uncomfortable with some of the language being used.

If EVERYONE in the relationship is happy with the situation and it's all out in the open in a polyamorous way then I have no problem with someone having multiple partners. I accept that human sexuality is a vast spectrum. However I do have a problem when people are deliberately deceiving others and using children as an excuse. Whether you like it or not, people are getting hurt in these kind of relationships. Now it is your personal choice whether to be in it but please don't hunt sympathy.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Your posts from the past few weeks have made me so angry that I considered leaving the forum. And I still might do just that, but not before I told you how I feel. The fact that you call somebody's family a “complication” for your affair is beyond appalling. A family, with children, is not something secondary to your desires and ego, and the fact that you consider and paint yourself as a victim is beyond immoral.

To be clear, this is not “rigid morals”, this is a statement of fact – you are willingly and continuously (for 4 years!) aiding the destruction and undermining of somebody's family. You choose, day after day, for years, to participate in a lie that goes against commitment and the health and happiness of children. Don't get me wrong, he is guilty, he is a lier and a manipulator, but so are you. The worst part is that you don't even realise what you are doing, you don't even realize how you are hurting so many people, just because it makes you feel better. As a matter of fact I put myself in a similar situation (there were no kids though) for about 2 weeks, but I was 21, and I got out as soon as I understood the consequences of my actions. You are even hurting yourself, by making excuses for whatever crappy treatment he gives you because he strokes your ego and you feel good in the short moments you are together in some fashion. Regardless of your “twin flames theory”, there is no excuse in the world for willingly hurting other human beings by lying and manipulating, and there is no love to be found with a man that blames you for him being married. If he wanted to be with you and spare the feelings of his wife and kids then he would not be lying to them. I am not going to analyse your obviously poor self-esteem because this is not what makes me angry.

The thing that insults me for real is that you are flaunting your choices, as if there is any excuse or morality in what you are doing. You look for commiseration, you create a group, as if there is any wisdom or goodness to be found by legitimizing affairs. I joined this forum because it is clean, because there is compassion and because there is honesty. But your group and your statements insult my morals and I will not accepts this with silence or maybe even by staying here. If your so-called “group” grows or if there is any defense of you I will certainly leave because I do not want to be part of a community that condones this sort of behavior, even with its silence. There is, after all, one of the things that is black and white for me - I do not want to be a part of a group that condones and accepts cheating, lying and hurting other people, especially children.

And this is exactly why I felt that a group like mine might be a valid idea. I'm not the only one who is faced with these problems, and has these same doubts, fears and confusions. I was not the one who "came out" first. But I saw that others besides me need a safe place to talk and try to find answers. I tried to keep my situation under wraps so I wouldn't offend others, and so I wouldn't be judged as harshly as I feel judged now.

Some people also judge polyamory and LGBT relationships. I notice there are groups for them. So I thought it would be OK to have a group for this, too.

Please don't leave the forums on account of me. If you don't like my lifestyle, then don't friend me, ignore my posts, and don't bother with my group. I'm sorry that, apparently, just my existence offends you, but I have a right to be here, too. And I have tried to support everyone, any way I can.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I don't judge you on your personal choices, nor do I judge other people on their choices, but I do not agree with wanting to have more people cheat on their partners, throwing it into the faces of monogamous people as if being with one partner and staying loyal is "having rigid moralistic viewpoints".

I'm not encouraging more people to cheat on their partners. Happy people don't cheat. So this shouldn't be a threat to those who have good marriages. This group I've started is for those who are already in the situation.

[80anthea]

And this is exactly why I felt that a group like mine might be a valid idea. I'm not the only one who is faced with these problems, and has these same doubts, fears and confusions. I was not the one who "came out" first. But I saw that others besides me need a safe place to talk and try to find answers. I tried to keep my situation under wraps so I wouldn't offend others, and so I wouldn't be judged as harshly as I feel judged now.

Some people also judge polyamory and LGBT relationships. I notice there are groups for them. So I thought it would be OK to have a group for this, too.

Please don't leave the forums on account of me. If you don't like my lifestyle, then don't friend me, ignore my posts, and don't bother with my group. I'm sorry that, apparently, just my existence offends you, but I have a right to be here, too. And I have tried to support everyone, any way I can.

I think the difference is that in LGBT, Poly and other groups there isn't an innocent partner/children being deceived. You have to bear in mind that many of us on here have been the faithful partner/child of a lying cheat and we've been the one who has been hurt, that hurt takes a lot of time to heal and can create enormous trust issues years down the line.

[Hollandia]

Like Moon, I think you are entitled to start a group, no-one can stop that, but also like OperaDiva I am incredibly uncomfortable with some of the language being used.

If EVERYONE in the relationship is happy with the situation and it's all out in the open in a polyamorous way then I have no problem with someone having multiple partners. I accept that human sexuality is a vast spectrum. However I do have a problem when people are deliberately deceiving others and using children as an excuse. Whether you like it or not, people are getting hurt in these kind of relationships. Now it is your personal choice whether to be in it but please don't hunt sympathy.

I have to agree on both counts.

You guys are entitled to create a group and discuss at will there. I do find some comments about not "having to be judged" a bit condescending to those of us that value faithfulness in a relationship. I ended mine before I started a new one but was still married legally, so a sticky wicket, but when you start talking about how "love knows no bounds and if the marriage was strong enough to begin with" then I kinda get a bit sick to my stomach........................I had NO idea my husband was cheating on me, we still had an active sex life and he showed no signs of being so unhappy. He just decided one day he wanted to fuck around. The fact that there was an infant in the next room, meant nothing to him or her, nor did lying to our friends, our families or anything else. I found out and was devastated and humiliated. What the frak did I do to deserve that? What makes you think his "love" for her superceeded my right to be treated with respect and him just being honest? He was just a coward and he was enjoying fu#king us both, and having his cake and eating through his lying lowlife scumwad teeth.

I also mentioned that she was a slut sleeping around her bar and fraking my husband at the time, all the while he came home to me most nights and had sex. I am lucky I did not get AIDS and die. No, cheating is wrong and if on an open board and you ask my opinion, I will repeat that, but yes, you guys want a place to vent then enjoy, I won't join the group or put in my two cents. Just don't come on here and hope for anyone to feel sorry for you since some have stated how weary they are of having to defend themselves. No Offense, but don't put yourself in that situation if you are not prepared for the heat of that kitchen.

I get life is not all boxes and all that, but there is right and there is wrong and deep down, you all know which side of that line you are falling on. Right or Wrong.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I have to agree on both counts.

You guys are entitled to create a group and discuss at will there. I do find some comments about not "having to be judged" a bit condescending to those of us that value faithfulness in a relationship. I ended mine before I started a new one but was still married legally, so a sticky wicket, but when you start talking about how "love knows no bounds and if the marriage was strong enough to begin with" then I kinda get a bit sick to my stomach........................I had NO idea my husband was cheating on me, we still had an active sex life and he showed no signs of being so unhappy. He just decided one day he wanted to fuck around. The fact that there was an infant in the next room, meant nothing to him or her, nor did lying to our friends, our families or anything else. I found out and was devastated and humiliated. What the frak did I do to deserve that? What makes you think his "love" for her superceeded my right to be treated with respect and him just being honest? He was just a coward and he was enjoying fu#king us both, and having his cake and eating through his lying lowlife scumwad teeth.

I also mentioned that she was a slut sleeping around her bar and fraking my husband at the time, all the while he came home to me most nights and had sex. I am lucky I did not get AIDS and die. No, cheating is wrong and if on an open board and you ask my opinion, I will repeat that, but yes, you guys want a place to vent then enjoy, I won't join the group or put in my two cents. Just don't come on here and hope for anyone to feel sorry for you since some have stated how weary they are of having to defend themselves. No Offense, but don't put yourself in that situation if you are not prepared for the heat of that kitchen.

I get life is not all boxes and all that, but there is right and there is wrong and deep down, you all know which side of that line you are falling on. Right or Wrong.

I'm not a slut or a whore. I'm not sleeping around with anyone. I am completely faithful in this relationship. I wish he would be honest, and tell his wife about us. I have told him that time after time, but he'd rather keep us a secret, as if I don't exist. And, as careless as he is sometimes, I think he is pretty dumb or naive to think his family won't figure things out, or maybe has already. Yet, he says he loves me, and he talks about wanting to meet and be with me. And I'm naive enough to believe him.

[Hollandia]

I'm not a slut or a whore. I'm not sleeping around with anyone. I am completely faithful in this relationship. I wish he would be honest, and tell his wife about us. I have told him that time after time, but he'd rather keep us a secret, as if I don't exist. And, as careless as he is sometimes, I think he is pretty dumb or naive to think his family won't figure things out, or maybe has already. Yet, he says he loves me, and he talks about wanting to meet and be with me. And I'm naive enough to believe him.

I am not saying you are, but my Ex's GF was. I can't fathom any reason that it would okay for him to not tell his wife about it if his relationship with her is done. It comes down to deception for me. If she is being deceived then he is willing to be deceptive. I could never have done that to my last husband so I ended it, I had massive financial bounds, a business together, a child together, and a whole morality thing with friends and family. I lost a ton of friends over it, and he was abusive, but I still did not deceive him. I told him the truth.

I just cannot fathom a reason why it is ever okay to remain with one person while seeing another behind their back. They deserve to know that you don't want this relationship anymore. I wonder how that woman would have ever felt if she had actually met me? I am a good, friendly, loving person. If she met me in a bar, i probably would have chatted with her in the ladies room and never known she was frakin my husband. If you found out his spouse was a good kind person and you met her, would you still be okay with him deceiving her?

Again, if you don't wish to discuss it, then don't respond on open boards, I only bring it up here because it is the topic of this thread. The whole, you opened that can of worms kinda thing for me....

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I am not saying you are, but my Ex's GF was. I can't fathom any reason that it would okay for him to not tell his wife about it if his relationship with her is done. It comes down to deception for me. If she is being deceived then he is willing to be deceptive. I could never have done that to my last husband so I ended it, I had massive financial bounds, a business together, a child together, and a whole morality thing with friends and family. I lost a ton of friends over it, and he was abusive, but I still did not deceive him. I told him the truth.

I just cannot fathom a reason why it is ever okay to remain with one person while seeing another behind their back. They deserve to know that you don't want this relationship anymore. I wonder how that woman would have ever felt if she had actually met me? I am a good, friendly, loving person. If she met me in a bar, i probably would have chatted with her in the ladies room and never known she was frakin my husband. If you found out his spouse was a good kind person and you met her, would you still be okay with him deceiving her?

Again, if you don't wish to discuss it, then don't respond on open boards, I only bring it up here because it is the topic of this thread. The whole, you opened that can of worms kinda thing for me....

I'm NOT OK with him deceiving her. As I said, I have tried to get him to tell her the truth, and it has caused many fights between us. But I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. I have no control over him or his life.