Open Invitation to Group for those whose SO is Taken by somebody else

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I guess this whole thread is moot, and I'm sorry I created such a divisive topic, and offended so many good people. There doesn't seem much point in me staying here anyway. I asked him a few questions, point blank, and got my answer. He's not leaving her. And I told him to stop talking about meeting me and wanting to be in a full-time relationship with me. I don't even like him right now.

[Florann]

It is a very difficult situation to be fair. I cannot say for sure what I would do in this exact situation, but I think I would not invest time in this sort of relationship based on my own morals and personality. I realize this is easier said than done. However, I would not be lead on for four years without having any indication of a realistic future. I think that I could not live with being hidden from my SO's life and most importantly (from my perspective) it is in no way morally correct to have a relationship with a married person with kids.

I do feel sorry for you as you obviously invested a lot of time into this relationship and do deeply care about this person. However, I highly doubt if he'll ever make the jump for you. Also what do you expect to happen once he leaves? I don't think anything good will come out of this for neither of you.

[snow]

As someone who had a long term "friendship" going for 5 years where he had a fiance, I would say: yes, it is wrong. We hardly even kissed during those 5 years, certainly never exchanged sexual fantasies, were almost never alone together.... even so, for all the restraints we put on ourselves, his fiance felt replaced and begged me not to have his baby. We were never together formally, but emotionally it was a romantic relationship or affair which was wrong because his fiance neve gave us permission.

You "hardly even" kissed? Did you ever bother to ask his fiance where they draw the line of cheating? If my fiance kissed someone else that would be very much cheating. Do you kiss all of your friends? This wasn't a friendship, this was an unofficial affair.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

As someone who had a long term "friendship" going for 5 years where he had a fiance, I would say: yes, it is wrong. We hardly even kissed during those 5 years, certainly never exchanged sexual fantasies, were almost never alone together.... even so, for all the restraints we put on ourselves, his fiance felt replaced and begged me not to have his baby. We were never together formally, but emotionally it was a romantic relationship or affair which was wrong because his fiance neve gave us permission.

If that's the case, then it isn't sex that defines an affair. It's the mere existence of a third party. Even close friends can't win, I guess. Even close friends would be condemned.

[differentcountries]

Hypothetically, if this became a very close friendship between us, would it still be considered wrong by those who think what we are doing is so horribly wrong? It would still be a long-distance relationship, by definition, would it not? Certainly can't deny the distance. But even as close friends, there would always be an unbreakable bond between us, even without passion. There would always be love. What if he still chose to keep it secret, out of fear or whatever reason he had. Would that still be wrong? What would make it wrong?

The internet is changing things, getting people together from all walks of life, even from different countries, thousands of miles distant. There might not be physical contact, but feelings can develop from the heart and mind. What makes it an affair? According to the dictionary: a usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship.

As someone who had a long term "friendship" going for 5 years where he had a fiance, I would say: yes, it is wrong. We hardly even kissed during those 5 years, certainly never exchanged sexual fantasies, were almost never alone together.... even so, for all the restraints we put on ourselves, his fiance felt replaced and begged me not to have his baby. We were never together formally, but emotionally it was a romantic relationship or affair which was wrong because his fiance neve gave us permission.

[snow]

Hypothetically, if this became a very close friendship between us, would it still be considered wrong by those who think what we are doing is so horribly wrong? It would still be a long-distance relationship, by definition, would it not? Certainly can't deny the distance. But even as close friends, there would always be an unbreakable bond between us, even without passion. There would always be love. What if he still chose to keep it secret, out of fear or whatever reason he had. Would that still be wrong? What would make it wrong?

The internet is changing things, getting people together from all walks of life, even from different countries, thousands of miles distant. There might not be physical contact, but feelings can develop from the heart and mind. What makes it an affair? According to the dictionary: a usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship.

In my opinion, he should not have to hide a friendship. If he feels like he has to, something is off about the relationship with his wife or the friendship.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hypothetically, if this became a very close friendship between us, would it still be considered wrong by those who think what we are doing is so horribly wrong? It would still be a long-distance relationship, by definition, would it not? Certainly can't deny the distance. But even as close friends, there would always be an unbreakable bond between us, even without passion. There would always be love. What if he still chose to keep it secret, out of fear or whatever reason he had. Would that still be wrong? What would make it wrong?

The internet is changing things, getting people together from all walks of life, even from different countries, thousands of miles distant. There might not be physical contact, but feelings can develop from the heart and mind. What makes it an affair? According to the dictionary: a usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship.

[velkoria]

I realize you were sort of agreeing with me, but I never classified cheating as a lifestyle. I said it's a "global forum full of people with differing opinions and lifestyles", which is true, and your lifestyle can color the way you look at things, your morals and values, etc., NOT that cheating is a lifestyle. I probably worded that badly.

Oh! thanks for clearing that up and to be fair... with everything going on in my life it could have been my mistake too I'm glad you don't consider cheating a lifestyle!

[Moon]

I agree with this for the most part but the idea that cheating is regarded as a lifestyle (obviously we're not talking about happy polyamourous relationships here) bugs me grately. It's a deliberate choice to hurt someone else. I feel the same about this whole thing as I would feel about a 34 year old person coming on here to talk about their 16 y/o SO who they are in an LDR with. I just don't agree with it and find that it's just a deliberate act to cause someone else pain. I'm just staying as far away from that thread as possible to avoid getting angry but since it's been brought up? I just think these things are touchy and while we say we can't judge I think it's normal to do so and healthy too as long as no personal attacks are made.

I just think the fact that people want sympathy for aiding someone lie, cheat, etc is just not my thing. Any horrible thing done could be justifiable, in the end but it doesn't make it okay in most people's books. I hope the OP and her partner can decide on what to do about their lives and that their mistakes are something that they are aware will have DEVASTATING and HORRIBLE consequences for the other people involved who's only mistake was having them in their lives because... they're honestly not to blame here. This is not saying the OP is a BAD PERSON (I don't believe in the terms 'good' and 'bad' people) but their actions are deliberate and made to cause others pain soooo yeah just my two cents.

I realize you were sort of agreeing with me, but I never classified cheating as a lifestyle. I said it's a "global forum full of people with differing opinions and lifestyles", which is true, and your lifestyle can color the way you look at things, your morals and values, etc., NOT that cheating is a lifestyle. I probably worded that badly.

[velkoria]

I don't agree with AAG's relationship choices either, but she is in an LDR of a sort, and she DOES have the right to create a group for like-minded people, and she does have as much right as anyone else to be here. If you don't like what she's doing, put her on ignore and move on. It's not right to call someone out publicly because they're in a relationship you don't agree with, THAT goes against what this forum is about.

This is a global forum, full of people with differing opinions and lifestyles, we won't always agree with everyone and their choices, and if there are those whose choices are offensive to you, ignore them. There is no need to get nasty about it. I don't think that differently than you do, but it's not up to me to police people's lives. Live and let live.

I agree with this for the most part but the idea that cheating is regarded as a lifestyle (obviously we're not talking about happy polyamourous relationships here) bugs me grately. It's a deliberate choice to hurt someone else. I feel the same about this whole thing as I would feel about a 34 year old person coming on here to talk about their 16 y/o SO who they are in an LDR with. I just don't agree with it and find that it's just a deliberate act to cause someone else pain. I'm just staying as far away from that thread as possible to avoid getting angry but since it's been brought up? I just think these things are touchy and while we say we can't judge I think it's normal to do so and healthy too as long as no personal attacks are made.

I just think the fact that people want sympathy for aiding someone lie, cheat, etc is just not my thing. Any horrible thing done could be justifiable, in the end but it doesn't make it okay in most people's books. I hope the OP and her partner can decide on what to do about their lives and that their mistakes are something that they are aware will have DEVASTATING and HORRIBLE consequences for the other people involved who's only mistake was having them in their lives because... they're honestly not to blame here. This is not saying the OP is a BAD PERSON (I don't believe in the terms 'good' and 'bad' people) but their actions are deliberate and made to cause others pain soooo yeah just my two cents.

[CynicalQuixotic]

You morals aren't MY morals, and MY morals aren't AAG's morals. Who are you, me or the guy next door to tell AAG or ANYONE if this is right or wrong? And honestly, it isn't affecting MY life or YOUR life. Don't judge....especially someone you don't even know....you've never walked in their shoes. I learned the hard way that we never know when we will take our last breath. So use every breath you have to tell people you love them. Be constructive, not destructive. I am sure AAG hasn't enjoyed being bashed, and she's been nothing but sweet and supportive to everyone.

AAG, I am sorry you had to read four pages of bashing. It just sucks. Hang in there honey. Only YOU know what's right for you.

There are plenty of people who have told AAG that while they don't agree with what she's doing, they don't think that she is a bad person and that she deserves better.

[TaraMarie]

You morals aren't MY morals, and MY morals aren't AAG's morals. Who are you, me or the guy next door to tell AAG or ANYONE if this is right or wrong? And honestly, it isn't affecting MY life or YOUR life. Don't judge....especially someone you don't even know....you've never walked in their shoes. I learned the hard way that we never know when we will take our last breath. So use every breath you have to tell people you love them. Be constructive, not destructive. I am sure AAG hasn't enjoyed being bashed, and she's been nothing but sweet and supportive to everyone.

AAG, I am sorry you had to read four pages of bashing. It just sucks. Hang in there honey. Only YOU know what's right for you.

[Miasmata]

I don't think anyone has said AAG is a horrible person, however she is participating in a relationship that has a basis of deception and lies. We don't know the reasons why AAG is still in this relationship, but for having been in it for 4 years without any change to her SO's marital status, would it be safe to say that he may never take that step? And why would he? He has two women, and as long as he can keep one in the dark, he can have it this way for as long as he pleases.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves first and say that enough is enough. 4 years is a long time to go nowhere.

AAG deserves better than being second best, as do we all.

Thanks for putting so simply and concisely what I was going to say.


AAG, I'm all for your right to make this group, and I want people in this kind of relationship to be able to have a space to talk and feel secure. Please don't feel like you are not welcome here anymore, or that your voice shouldn't be heard.

However, what I agree with is that your relationship IS built on deception, and that it is not an entirely consensual situation, which is deeply problematic. I know feelings are not rational, and I won't go and talk down to you for following them. You have much more life experience than me, and it would be foolish of me to tell you what to do. What I just worry about is that I don't want you or anyone else to glorify this kind of relationship - You and everyone else in an LDR affair like this deserves to be heard, but never without getting honesty in return, and never in any kind of illusion that what you're doing is totally clean or that any other parties involved are just mere "complications". No matter how dead the marriage is, your partner's wife is still a person who deserves to be respected, and the kids probably even more so. Please don't color people as mere obstacles when their feelings matter just as much as yours.

I don't blame you. You want to feel good and enjoy the love of a person. But the truth of the matter is that this person hasn't been honest with his wife for years, and that with every passing day, it gets less likely that he ever will. In my humble opinion, you deserve support, but not to keep this relationship going at all costs, but rather to be honest with yourself and find out if this is really good for you, and if this is really what you want to stay in. If you do, then that's your choice - Not a glorious or praiseworthy choice, but a choice that you as an adult can make and deserves to be respected. But if you ask me, you are wasting energy and hope, and I'm legitimately worried.

I hope that you and everyone else in an affair situation like this is not shot down, but is also not being lied to on this forum. And I REALLY hope that all of you make decisions that are right and healthy for you, whatever they end up being.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I don't really have a strong opinion on this one, save for one issue:

If you want to judge, I don't think it's AAG you should be judging. She is not the one cheating and betraying those closest to her. She's not leading a double life. She's not even the one hurting anyone. It's her SO. Sorry to be the blunt, but he's in a really comfortable situation enjoying the security of a marriage and the comfort of an online affair that gives him excitement and that he can just switch off and on when he feels like it. And yes, I'm hardcore judging him, because he's hurting a lot of people that care about him and that he supposedly cares about for his own comfort. (But he's not on here and if he was, I would just try to ignore his posts as long as he wasn't trying to defend his actions).

I never understood why people blame "the other woman" or "the other man". I get it if it's someone close or someone you see on a regular basis, but if they don't know the family, I don't think they're the ones doing something wrong. It's not up to other people to protect my relationship and make sure my husband doesn't cheat. That is entirely his responsibility.

I like to think I would be too proud to be the other woman for a longer time (because I'm awesome and I deserve to be more than someone's secret online affair and so does AAG), but I don't think it's necessarily morally wrong.

I think it's the complicity that rankles people (including me). AAG knows that her SO is lying to his family and is still involved with him, thus tacitly consenting to the lying. I think they're both morally at fault, but her SO more so. Even if her SO's wife is a terrible person and their marriage is beyond repair, cheating is a huge betrayal. I do believe AAG deserves better as well.

[Dziubka]

I don't really have a strong opinion on this one, save for one issue:

If you want to judge, I don't think it's AAG you should be judging. She is not the one cheating and betraying those closest to her. She's not leading a double life. She's not even the one hurting anyone. It's her SO. Sorry to be the blunt, but he's in a really comfortable situation enjoying the security of a marriage and the comfort of an online affair that gives him excitement and that he can just switch off and on when he feels like it. And yes, I'm hardcore judging him, because he's hurting a lot of people that care about him and that he supposedly cares about for his own comfort. (But he's not on here and if he was, I would just try to ignore his posts as long as he wasn't trying to defend his actions).

I never understood why people blame "the other woman" or "the other man". I get it if it's someone close or someone you see on a regular basis, but if they don't know the family, I don't think they're the ones doing something wrong. It's not up to other people to protect my relationship and make sure my husband doesn't cheat. That is entirely his responsibility.

I like to think I would be too proud to be the other woman for a longer time (because I'm awesome and I deserve to be more than someone's secret online affair and so does AAG), but I don't think it's necessarily morally wrong.