Open Invitation to Group for those whose SO is Taken by somebody else

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Yes it is wrong for him to stay in touch with you unless he told his wife about you and she is okay with it. He should be a real man and just fess all or cut all ties. It's still not fair to her. He is still deceiving her and you are still a part of it and you would jump at the second to make it more and he knows it.

Lastly, if you don't want judgement then don't keep posting about it. Judgement is determining off of evidence to make a decision. You put yourself in a court of public appeals and I am sorry but cheating is wrong. The evidence in this case surely shows it, yet you want to have it and anyone that wants to judge you be damned. So, call it judging or whatever you will but it is wrong. He is lying to his wife and children about it and breaking a trust between their commitment behind her back. Please stop complaining about being judged. You put yourself in this situation by having a love affair with a married man, one that is never going to leave his wife. Each time you complain about being judged, it feels like a knife in my gut. You keep trying to make it sound like it is okay and other's are wrong for stating so. You are the one doing this, you are in a situation by your own accord that is judge worthy and then you bring it up on here and now you complain when people have judgement about it. Sometimes people drink and drive and they have good reason in their minds for it, do they deserve to be judged? Yes, of course so, regardless of their reasons. Why? Because it is wrong. It huts people and so does cheating regardless of your reasons.

That other poster was quite harsh but she has a right a to her opinion. If you don't wish to hear all sides of it, then close the thread. I hope you do hang around, I really like you, but there are things that cannot co-exist and one of them is people that believe in the commitment of marriage and people that make excuses to cheat on their spouses. There is NO reason good enough to cheat, if you don't want to be in that relationship anymore, then get out. The rest is all just justifications for cheating. I would quite frankly want to beat the sh#t out of anyone that came near my SO and him too and he would leave me in a heartbeat if I ever cheated. There is no point to a relationship if you have no faith and trust in one another. I am happy that you have your group where you can all talk without being judged but if you wish to keep this one open and debate it's merits, I will tell you every single time, cheating is wrong. Lying to the wife is wrong and most likely his kids would hate you and yet you and him have decided to be friends and you don't care about people who judge you, what you want a pat on the back? Good, keep doing what you are doing but don't expect a single good word about it, you don't deserve it and you know it.

You want what you want and all the obstacles be damned and you will take whatever crumbs he throws in your life to sit around and wait for it. This part kinda makes me sick. I think you might recognize that at this point nobody can tell you anything to change your mind. You KNOW that he is never going to leave her but yet you want to keep in touch as "friends" who's kidding who? You still want him and are evidently willing to sit there and pretend to be friends while you moon over him and he feeds off your adoration. Get away from him and go find someone that will be available to give you what you want. Your selling yourself short. You deserve better.

You are right, Hollandia. I'm sorry I ever opened this can of worms. I'm closing the thread, and the group, which never grew anyway. I'm sorry I offended so many good people. And I hope this will be the end of it.

[Hollandia]

Yes it is wrong for him to stay in touch with you unless he told his wife about you and she is okay with it. He should be a real man and just fess all or cut all ties. It's still not fair to her. He is still deceiving her and you are still a part of it and you would jump at the second to make it more and he knows it.

Lastly, if you don't want judgement then don't keep posting about it. Judgement is determining off of evidence to make a decision. You put yourself in a court of public appeals and I am sorry but cheating is wrong. The evidence in this case surely shows it, yet you want to have it and anyone that wants to judge you be damned. So, call it judging or whatever you will but it is wrong. He is lying to his wife and children about it and breaking a trust between their commitment behind her back. Please stop complaining about being judged. You put yourself in this situation by having a love affair with a married man, one that is never going to leave his wife. Each time you complain about being judged, it feels like a knife in my gut. You keep trying to make it sound like it is okay and other's are wrong for stating so. You are the one doing this, you are in a situation by your own accord that is judge worthy and then you bring it up on here and now you complain when people have judgement about it. Sometimes people drink and drive and they have good reason in their minds for it, do they deserve to be judged? Yes, of course so, regardless of their reasons. Why? Because it is wrong. It huts people and so does cheating regardless of your reasons.

That other poster was quite harsh but she has a right a to her opinion. If you don't wish to hear all sides of it, then close the thread. I hope you do hang around, I really like you, but there are things that cannot co-exist and one of them is people that believe in the commitment of marriage and people that make excuses to cheat on their spouses. There is NO reason good enough to cheat, if you don't want to be in that relationship anymore, then get out. The rest is all just justifications for cheating. I would quite frankly want to beat the sh#t out of anyone that came near my SO and him too and he would leave me in a heartbeat if I ever cheated. There is no point to a relationship if you have no faith and trust in one another. I am happy that you have your group where you can all talk without being judged but if you wish to keep this one open and debate it's merits, I will tell you every single time, cheating is wrong. Lying to the wife is wrong and most likely his kids would hate you and yet you and him have decided to be friends and you don't care about people who judge you, what you want a pat on the back? Good, keep doing what you are doing but don't expect a single good word about it, you don't deserve it and you know it.

You want what you want and all the obstacles be damned and you will take whatever crumbs he throws in your life to sit around and wait for it. This part kinda makes me sick. I think you might recognize that at this point nobody can tell you anything to change your mind. You KNOW that he is never going to leave her but yet you want to keep in touch as "friends" who's kidding who? You still want him and are evidently willing to sit there and pretend to be friends while you moon over him and he feeds off your adoration. Get away from him and go find someone that will be available to give you what you want. Your selling yourself short. You deserve better.

[snow]

Stop getting abused. Stop being abused. Stop him from abusing you.

He told you that he is not going to leave his wife. You are clearly not okay with being an affair, but this is all it is ever going to be. Don't sell yourself below your worth.

[Miasmata]

Yeah, I'm wary too. You deserve what makes you happy, AAG, whatever it ends up being. I'm just doubtful he's really the man to do so if he always wants to keep you as the second fiddle. Best of luck, either way.

[Florann]

Who the hell are YOU to judge me so harshly, unless you have been where I am, walked in my shoes, understand the dynamics of THIS particular situation! You don't know me, you don't know the situation he is in, you don't know how we feel, how difficult this has been for both of us. Like it or not (not that I really care) we ARE very close friends, and are not breaking up. Whatever he does with his marriage is up to him. But we decided we don't want to give up our friendship. Nothing is written in concrete or set in stone. Things are changing. We really don't know how it's going to play out. Nobody knows the future. It's NOT all black and white, as judgmental people like you want it to be.

I do not think it is a good idea to remain 'good friends'. I honestly cannot see this as being healthy and I feel you should step away from all of this. Even if he is married unhappily -- he should sort that himself and you should not be involved into any of this. Being 'good friends' is no excuse either, as you obviously have feelings for him, and therefore will be involved no matter what. Also, what do you mean with 'friendship'? Obviously there are a lot of interpretations to this....

[silvermoonfairy3]

we ARE very close friends, and are not breaking up. Whatever he does with his marriage is up to him. But we decided we don't want to give up our friendship.

I say this solely from the point of view of your own self-preservation and self-respect... is that a good idea right now?
You mentioned elsewhere that he's not leaving his wife. So that answers your question about whether he'll be with you. No, he won't.

For all intents and purposes, that basically means you're now an ex, unless you guys are going to continue sexual stuff, in which case, it's not just close friends.

I really believe exes can be friends, but not while one (or both) are still invested emotionally on a level of partners.

If it is in fact "not breaking up" in the sense that you're going to still be sexual and more than friends, that's your call to continue that relationship, but it seems extremely unfair to yourself. It means you're allowing yourself to settled for much less than you want, to be someone around at his convenience (because make no mistake about it, however much he may care for you, it will always be at his convenience around his wife and their schedule) and to basically give up your dignity and your desires of having him full-time, of having his whole heart. You don't deserve to settle for the scraps he can toss your way sometimes.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

You are a very selfish woman. You say you don't support him deceiving his wife yet you continue the relationship. You don't really care that much about her or the family therefore, just your own desires. I hate how you romanticize your affair. You say you aren't bad just two people with flaws. Really? How about you learn from those flaws? You are clearly not using your mind only your emotions.

Mark twains definition of insanity: making the same mistake over and over again and expecting a new outcome.

Who the hell are YOU to judge me so harshly, unless you have been where I am, walked in my shoes, understand the dynamics of THIS particular situation! You don't know me, you don't know the situation he is in, you don't know how we feel, how difficult this has been for both of us. Like it or not (not that I really care) we ARE very close friends, and are not breaking up. Whatever he does with his marriage is up to him. But we decided we don't want to give up our friendship. Nothing is written in concrete or set in stone. Things are changing. We really don't know how it's going to play out. Nobody knows the future. It's NOT all black and white, as judgmental people like you want it to be.

[Miasmata]

I guess this whole thread is moot, and I'm sorry I created such a divisive topic, and offended so many good people. There doesn't seem much point in me staying here anyway. I asked him a few questions, point blank, and got my answer. He's not leaving her. And I told him to stop talking about meeting me and wanting to be in a full-time relationship with me. I don't even like him right now.

It's a damn shame it came down to that, but in my humble opinion, you did the right thing. You deserve much better than to be a secret for four years, not having realistic chances of getting something out of all the energy you invested. I hope you find someone who is willing to stick with you and really wants to lead a life with you. All the best to you.

[kikidee]

You are a very selfish woman. You say you don't support him deceiving his wife yet you continue the relationship. You don't really care that much about her or the family therefore, just your own desires. I hate how you romanticize your affair. You say you aren't bad just two people with flaws. Really? How about you learn from those flaws? You are clearly not using your mind only your emotions.

Mark twains definition of insanity: making the same mistake over and over again and expecting a new outcome.

[differentcountries]

You "hardly even" kissed? Did you ever bother to ask his fiance where they draw the line of cheating? If my fiance kissed someone else that would be very much cheating. Do you kiss all of your friends? This wasn't a friendship, this was an unofficial affair.

Yes, in the 5 years we saw each other at least weekly we were almost never physical. My friend/ex and his fiance have a strange relationship. He claims he can do whatever he wants, she claims they are monogamous, they sort of compromise in that he can flirt a little but always come back to her. The problem was, I stayed. They both care for me very much. I have known them for 8 years now I think, I have known her the longest. I met them/him a couple of times a week on a regular basis. She was the one who spotted that there were feelings develping between us, in fact during their engagement party she complimented me for the connection, which she does not really get (it is an introversion thing. I bring out the introvert in extrovert people. That is my whole sexal secret). They broke up, he confessed to both of us that he dreamed about having a love child with me. From that moment she was a bit scared of me. I think the kiss came 6 months later. He wanted to have sex too, but I declined.

The both of them have a special regard for me, it is a bit hard to explain, but when I was still having this emotional affair she made me contribute to her book, asked me for business advice, I temped for her and so on, she always asked my opinions in personal matters and trusted me very much with money, keys and even her most vonerable feelings, despite the fact that she hated that I was mutually in love with her man. A part of her just accepted the attraction, yet sometimes she was angry and jealous, especially about the fantasy child and about me and him spening time alone together, even if it was just an hour to talk it over about why I felt HE was being mean to HER... I asked if I should stay out of their lives and they said no. Sometimes I feel like her little sister, sometimes she treats me as such, especially now after everything is over between me and him, she knows I am the only one who knows what he is really like. I think she likes that even though I hurt her, I always at least tried to make, if not the right choice, then the less bad choice. Me and my husband tried to talk to them, and my husband gave them som good piece of advice. I rented out their flat so to make them money while they were abroad and tried to ressurect their relationship. I have been involved with these people in strange ways.

For his fiance, I don't think the kiss was the pertrayal, but the simple fact that he loved me. She saw her herself as his one true princess, she would get her price alone at the end of the fairytale. Now I think she still loves him, but she sees him as a human with faults. When I see her, I always hear the "Jolene"-song in my head, I know I could have easily taken him for myself at some point had I wanted. But I never wanted that.

[ThePiedPiper]

I guess this whole thread is moot, and I'm sorry I created such a divisive topic, and offended so many good people. There doesn't seem much point in me staying here anyway. I asked him a few questions, point blank, and got my answer. He's not leaving her. And I told him to stop talking about meeting me and wanting to be in a full-time relationship with me. I don't even like him right now.

Whether or not you see it now, you dodged a bullet on this one. Even if he had left her and made you the happiest woman, he would have eventually destroyed you too. What he had for you was not love, because love does not manifest in the direct harm of someone else. Even if he didn't consider his wife, family, children, etc. at all, he would not have handled his relationship with you the way he's handled it now or ever before. Unrequited love or the type of love we receive when being used is perhaps the most painful type of love to be on the receiving end of, and I remember that feeling well. With that said, it is because I remember it that I can tell you you dodged a bullet, and once you're out of the relationship, have processed from your feelings, and moved on, I think that there's a lot you're going to realise if you don't allow the hurt to cloud it, and I promise it makes the pain a little easier to bear. For now, please hang in there. I promise this won't be the last time, and what you learn from this will help you find someone who actually deserves you in the future. For now, feel free to nurse your wounds as best as you need to.

[differentcountries]

If that's the case, then it isn't sex that defines an affair. It's the mere existence of a third party. Even close friends can't win, I guess. Even close friends would be condemned.

The problem is not being close friends. The problem is that there can be something in that friendship that is sexual and romantic in nature, that is competing with the relationship. It is not sex that defines an affair, it is love.

[differentcountries]

I guess this whole thread is moot, and I'm sorry I created such a divisive topic, and offended so many good people. There doesn't seem much point in me staying here anyway. I asked him a few questions, point blank, and got my answer. He's not leaving her. And I told him to stop talking about meeting me and wanting to be in a full-time relationship with me. I don't even like him right now.

I am sorry for you, at the same time I am happy you got some answers.

[Moon]

I am sorry, AAG. As horrible as it sounds, and as impossible as it may seem, you really should cut contact now. You cannot be "friends" with someone you have romantic feelings towards, it just doesn't work, and any contact will just prolong the hurt and hinder the healing. I hope you can find some peace.

[TaraMarie]

I guess this whole thread is moot, and I'm sorry I created such a divisive topic, and offended so many good people. There doesn't seem much point in me staying here anyway. I asked him a few questions, point blank, and got my answer. He's not leaving her. And I told him to stop talking about meeting me and wanting to be in a full-time relationship with me. I don't even like him right now.

I'm sorry. I hate this for you.