Is it too soon to discuss our future?

[Bobbiejeanne]

A couple weeks into us being an official couple (after dating for a few months before), my SO brought up how he had been anxious about our future and how we will survive him going off to Medical School and I going off to do Graduate work.
Since he suffers from anxiety problems, I assuage his fears by telling him we would cross that bridge we we got to it.

It been a couple months, and we've become a LDR, and it's beginning to put things into perspective for me. I want to reopen the discussion we see each other in a week, but I fear a) his anxiety and b) it's still so early.

I can easily see a future for us, and I want to share my thoughts. But I should I wait a little longer?

[Noodle]

Well how soon are these events going to happen? And I don't think it's too soon to be discussing the future. It wouldn't be good to be with someone and you can't imagine a future with them.

[Miasmata]

Discussing is not a bad idea, just make sure not to commit to the first plan you make and to give each other time to think whenever you need it. You can discuss things without being pushy. Especially in an LDR, it's important to know where you're headed. Just don't put tons of expectations and pressures on it.

[differentcountries]

It depends on when these things are going to take place. As a general rule, discussing as long into the future as you have been together is definetely ok, and twice the ammount will usually work as well (meaning if you have been together two months, discussing the future 2-3 months from now should be ok, and possably 4 too). But of course it depends on the people involved, what they need in the current situation and if they have already started to picture a future together.

We live together part time and have planned pretty much in detail the next 6-9 months (since we now rent together on a 6 month lease), and talked loosely about our time together next year as well (the loose plan is for me to continue visiting as long as work permits me, and renting together, until his military by the end of 2015). So I will say we have been together for 9 months so far, and have made more or less plans for 18 months from now. For us, there is no "talk" about the future as such, it is just practical concerns, as well as emotional attatchent that is loosely tied up with the practical matters. We started very soon saying we wanted a future together, even with our unusual situation, now we are trying to figure out what an international, polyamorous relationship may look like in practical terms.

I see you say your SO has anxiety. I think we all have got little things that keep us on edge. It could be fear that someone might drift away, or fear that someone could get too close, or ask things of us that are impossable to give, or never ask the things we very much want, or sometimes a combination of some or all of those things. It is very human to be afraid. Just ask him what he needs to know.

[Bobbiejeanne]

Well how soon are these events going to happen? And I don't think it's too soon to be discussing the future. It wouldn't be good to be with someone and you can't imagine a future with them.

We'll temporarily close the distance in late August. He's currently in the midst of filling out his Med School Apps, and I'm going to start applying around September.

I feel the weird mixture of having to make decisions now on something happening a year from now (Fall of 2015) is going to very soon put us in an awkward place. We would like to close the distance permanently (we've both said as much during our first talk) but know that our own personal futures need to come first.
If I get accepted to University of the City of London, and he gets into John Hopkins Medical School, we can't deny the happiness of the other for the sake of the relationship.

I say all of this in definite terms, but it's very much in the air, since we left the conversation open ended.

[Ahava]

I think we all have got little things that keep us on edge. It could be fear that someone might drift away, or fear that someone could get too close, or ask things of us that are impossable to give, or never ask the things we very much want, or sometimes a combination of some or all of those things. It is very human to be afraid. Just ask him what he needs to know.

Well said DC!

[Fretboard_Magic]

Well, talking about it is totally fine in my opinion. The reason being that we actually THINK about the future all the time. So why not talk about it too, you know? As long as you can do so casually and without putting a lot of pressure onto your partner, and vice versa, then I say no problem! Whatever you two talk about privately is between you two, anyway. Don't let anything get in the way of that.

[rhabdoviridae]

My husband and I dealt with something similar when I was accepted to vet school. Long story short, he stayed behind at home and I went away for four years. The biggest issue will be finding the time to keep in touch since these programs are quite rigorous. But it can be done with dedication and patience.

[OperaDiva]

This is a bit of a tangent, but ... Does your SO get any help with anxiety? It is not something that you or he should take lightly, especially if he is starting such a rigorous program.

[Bobbiejeanne]

This is a bit of a tangent, but ... Does your SO get any help with anxiety? It is not something that you or he should take lightly, especially if he is starting such a rigorous program.

Oh yes! He's pretty controlled when it comes to anxiety. I don't think he's on medication (something I should really discuss with him), but he knows what triggers him (caffeine, high stress, etc.) and manages it.

[OperaDiva]

Oh yes! He's pretty controlled when it comes to anxiety. I don't think he's on medication (something I should really discuss with him), but he knows what triggers him (caffeine, high stress, etc.) and manages it.

Yeah, caffeine and high stress are the basic food groups of grad school and I can't imagine med school is better

[Fretboard_Magic]

One thing I've noticed about anxiety is that it also has a lot to do with whether or not the person is receiving enough support from those surrounding him/her. My best friend, for instance, has support from some of his friends but none from his family and definitely zippola from his girlfriend. So in his case anxiety is turning him into a totally different person almost. It's very sad to see him this way. At any rate, I just wanted to say supportive people make a world of difference...but then I guess it's obvious, eh. xD

[rhabdoviridae]

Weeeell, med school is all about caffeine and high stress :P I think it would be worthwhile for him to talk to someone about this upcoming change to be proactive about it. I wish you both the best of luck with school!

[Hollandia]

I have anxiety issues. I would kill to have some Xanax or Valium. Being outside of USA and without healthcare coverage when I am makes this impossible anymore. My SO is very supportive and a very positive person, but sometimes it does not help. I have very real reasons to be so stressed with the LDR costs, the struggling business and the uncertainty of where and how we can close the distance and pay for all the bills. This being said, I hate panic attacks and they have been hitting me almost weekly again. When you mix anxiety with RL stress this is what you end up with, It's not a pleasant thing.

[differentcountries]

I have the highest admiration for those who suffer from anxiety. I have just had a tiny, tiny drop of it, once for a day when I was a child (I remember imagining that all the people I knew were dead and I would be alone in the world and so on), and then a couple of years ago when my pain killer mediacation was on too low dosage (physical pain that is not soothed can lead to anxiety), once my mediation was right, my anxiety was off, too, like a curtain just lifted. In the meantime, coffee and Valium was my friend. It was so, so awful, I would not wish that on my worst enemy and I can't even imagine what it must be like to live with it on a regular basis and not even have access to good meds. When I struggle with dark thoughts, I find that hanging on to routine, especially those tending to basic needs like sleep, food and so on, really helps.