His family stresses us out

[Miasmata]

Apologies for the incoming rant, but I definitely need to get this out of my system, and I would definitely appreciate some input/support/feedback/whathaveyou, especially from people who also struggle with their SO's family somewhere. Thanks in advance for reading!


I'm really having issues with my SO's family, for a multitude of reasons, and they're starting to wear him out a lot too.

My SO and his family live in Utah, and all of them except him are pretty conservative Mormons. He was brought up Mormon, too, but decided to drop out of the faith when he was about 18. He's lived in Salt Lake City with his family his whole life, he didn't move away for college or anything, and he only briefly had his own place with a roommate - Therefor, he never really got away from his family's influence, and they still try to influence him plenty. Basically, they don't respect his decisions regarding his life, and constantly try to make him fit into their mold rather than letting him be his own person. And since he's been forced to conform his entire life, he's not good at asserting himself and getting out of this pressure.

The worst part is that I don't even doubt for one second that his family means well, but they go about it in the most ignorant way and it drives us nuts

His family forces him to go to the temple against his wishes every Sunday, doesn't give him any privacy in his own room (they'll come in without waiting for permission) and just generally doesn't seem to have empathy for his wellbeing. When he went on vacation with them the past week, they just made him tag along to every single thing and didn't ask him what he wanted to do, to the point where he injured his foot from walking too much. Only then did they leave him alone for a bit.

At the moment he's still on said vacation and not doing well at all, especially because he has anxiety issues and the stress with the family plus hearing that one of his dogs went missing (poor thing turned up by now, thank god) gave him a panic attack. By that point I offered him to let me call him on Skype on his phone to calm him down, and he wanted to, but his brother came into the hotel room, saw that my SO was on the phone (I heard him comment on it), and just turned on the TV really loudly. My SO had to go outside into the hallway just so he could understand me. His brother didn't ask if watching TV was okay or acknowledged his hyperventilation at all.

That kind of situation comes up a lot with his family. They don't bother to ask him how he's doing or what he needs, and they often insist that they just know best. They always want him to toughen up and be a proper man (he's the oldest son), regardless if that's how he wants to be.

I understand that family is about compromise too, and that they are not intentionally malicious people. However, I just can't ignore how much they are wearing him out, and how much it strains our relationship too. Ever since he had to move back in with them, more intimate moments have been out of the question entirely (his parents are strictly against premarital sex and similiar things); they often make him do chores even when he has lots of things to do for university; they like to use me as a means to pressure him (I've overheard his mom say stuff like "You have to do this, your girlfriend would want you to"), etc. - A lot of stuff families just sometimes do, but with his, it piles on and on and just never seems to stop.

I'm thankful his parents aren't as bad as others, at least they approve of our relationship and are happy for him, even though I'm not Mormon (as they would have wished). However, I know that they will only like me as long as I hide a significant portion of myself from them. We don't see eye to eye on a lot of matters and I know that plenty of my views on life and such would really displease them. I have to play pretend around them and not let on that I'm really not okay with how they treat their son.


Again, sorry for the rant, but I'm really just so incredibly fed up with all of this. His family is incredibly friendly, but so set in their ways and so ignorant of what their son really wants that it drives me up the wall. The lack of privacy, the constant patronizing and the sheer carelessnees is a burden on both my SO and me, and that won't change anytime soon. I really hope my SO can work up the nerve to assert himself more, but considering that I know how much he struggles with that I'm not betting on it. I'm just really pissed off by his family and I really don't have the energy to deal with their behaviour much longer.

[merlinkitty]

Lol I hope you feel better after the rant I understand what you mean about the family issues. Some families have this tendency to really wreck their loved ones lives trying to squash them into a mold that they were never born to fit in the first place.

Living with my parents really took it out of me. I love them to death. I am a lot like them, but I am not them. They mean well, I think a piece of my mom died when I told her I wasn't so sure about this "god stuff" recently and she's made every attempt to throw in little comments here and there to change my mind and show me the light. She freaked when I told her I wouldn't go to church on Easter Sunday, but I explained to her that I was going twice a year, and regardless what I believe about the whole religion thing, I know a church isn't where I need to be. She was not happy with it BUT I've got a bit of distance from her. Yeah, she lives about 5 minutes away and I see her about 4 times a week for lunch, but I've got my own place, with locks, and she's courteous enough to call before she stops by.

If SO were here, he'd be suggesting ways to take back control of his life. He's never told me I have to do one thing or another, but has talked to me about the merits of taking one course of action over another. Part of that has been his ability to help me see the control I do have over my own life and decisions. I would think that someone with anxiety issues, which I have a touch of myself, wouldn't be prepared to bite off the whole head of the dragon at once, so to speak, but would probably be better off taking on small challenges at a time. Perhaps he could give you a list of the most frustrating pieces for him and you could both talk it through and figure out small ways that he could start taking back his life from them.

[Ahava]

You've been given some really good advice here. I don't think I can add to it. I did think that some of his family's behaviour comes just down to lack of manners. Like barging into his room, turning the telly on loud etc. How about he put a sign on his door that says "Please knock, I might be praying" or something else. Add a little humour to it so then it will less likely offend them.

But I was quite shocked by this. I don't think he is a real christian. In christianity the biggest focus should be on love and this is quite the contrary. Anybody can say they are christian and go to church on Sundays, but going to church doesn't make you anymore a christian than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.
That family has big issues!

His father on numerous occasions called me rude names, like s*ut, non-believer, etc. etc. and encouraged his son to leave me for other girls (which eventually led him to cheat. His family thought it was perfectly okay.) To say the least, it ended with a bang, not a fizzle.
.

[JaneEmily]

I get how you feel with the whole parent/family thing. My SO's family aren't religious like yours, but they are very interfering and pushy to the point they started emotionally bribing him (similar to your SO's parents) saying stuff like "If you don't come do this thing, we won't drive you up to Amsterdam to get a bus to see Jane blahblahblah". And they had been doing this sort of BS for nearly 3yrs. They would insist he had to come somewhere with them, even though he never wanted to. He too is over 18 and was when we started our relationship, he's now 21 so he's finally starting to assert himself and telling his family that there are boundaries and they've been crossing them for too much of a long time.

Infact, it got to a point that when we recently got engaged in June and he told them the good news ON the day - they didn't even congratulate us or seem happy. They just completely reacted like they weren't happy for him at all. It really ruined the day/evening for me after that. I wanted to remember our engagement, the day he proposed as one of the happiest days in my life but whenever I think of it now...I feel a little indifferent because of their reaction. I mean everyone on my side of the family were super happy for me and my SO. So I really get your frustration, I really do. It's not easy having to deal with in-laws who are always butting in, trying to control everything.

But we finally got through to them on June 25th this year. I was feeling really fed up with how they were going on at him when he got home over the engagement, intimidating me to come meet them (I haven't met them yet as my finances and among other problems) as well as just about controlling the things he does, and how he does them. Trust me, I would have LOVED to come to Holland already but my family and I just can't afford me to go there just yet. So I sent the younger sister out of his two eldest sisters a very long message, I was polite...I didn't swear or call anyone names. I just explained to her how I felt about her brother, and that I don't feel like they really take our relationship serious - and that if the engagement bothered them that much, I'm sorry that it upset them but it wasn't our intention to hurt or upset anyone. I also explained that I feel like they aren't very warm to others, that they haven't really made me feel like a part of "them" and that's all I wanted to be a bit more included in their lives, a hi or how are you now again would be nice. She messaged back being really kind and sweet, and I felt horrible that I probably hadn't given them a chance to know me either. So I asked for a fresh start with them, and that's what I have. He also sat down with his parents, privately without anyone interfering and telling them that he needs them to give him his own space, that he's an adult now and he has a plan for his life - he knows what he wants and what he wants to do and that he isn't being taken away by me (we found out his Mum cried over the engagement because she thought her son was going away very soon and that she'd never hear from him..which I'd never let happen). He just wants to be happy and that being with me genuinely makes him happy and that they have to stop interfering, because it's unfair to everyone to be caught up in a mess where there's been so much miscommunication. Infact I'll screencap the message I sent to his sister, so if you feel like doing the same...you can see how I approached telling them how I felt. I think I was assertive but polite (if you're wondering why it's in Word, I wrote it there before I sent it on FB to her so I could get my SO to read and pre-approve it too): https://gyazo.com/1386ce131c1db1687fd50a043f98ed78 (screencap)

Basically what I'm trying to say is maybe...try speaking up a little and break the ice with them. Your SO might be scared of talking to them because of his anxiety problems, but maybe like my SO's family they're curious about you but they just don't know how to go about feeling about you. Maybe they're feeling very protective of their son/their brother, and they're not sure what a LDR entails or what our relationship means to their son. Just try talking to them. Put how you feel across, and I'm sure they'll eventually understand and even if they don't? You don't need their approval to be happy imo. You know your relationship, your SO and what you both want. The only thing his family would be doing be disapproving of you is kicking themselves in the face and not getting to know their son's wonderful other half

Chin up, and good luck. If you ever need someone to talk to about annoying families, I'm right here

[silvermoonfairy3]

Is there a reason he's still living with them? Moving out would solve a lot of those issues. Not everything, but many.

I always got along pretty well with my dad, but had a lot of tumultuousness with my mom when I was a teenager and in early college years. (I lived at home and commuted until I studied abroad.) My mom wasn't even living in the same house at the time, but I saw her a lot, and we had disagreements a lot.

My relationship with both my parents improved dramatically (even with my dad who, as I said, I was already getting along with) once I had my own space and was responsible for myself.

If his parents approve of your relationship (yay!) then chances are that most of this stuff is just them having bad manners/not respecting privacy on the one hand, and trying to bring up their son how they think best/how they know how to do. In those situations, in my experience, things settle themselves a little bit when the son/daughter asserts their own independence and responsibility, and the way that usually happens is with living on their own.

[Miasmata]

Many thanks for the helpful posts, everyone! Every single one is very appreciated. Makes me feel less alone and stupid about this whole ordeal.

He used to live in his own place, but his roommate moved out and he couldn't afford it anymore, so he had to move back in with his parents.

It's definitely true that it has to be my SO who asserts himself and gets more control over his life. All I can do is support him on that. I've done my best so far, and he's said a few times that he wants to confront his parents, but he keeps putting it off because he's worried about the consequences. I definitely understand that though and do my best to be patient. I would never pressure him - I've told him he needs to confront his parents for himself, not just for me. It just gets really hard when I see how they treat him and how little respect they have for him. He deserves much better than that

I'm his first relationship, so I understand that his parents in particular are a bit touchy about it. But, again, the lack of respect just gets to me. His mom apparently said she was worried he'd up with an abusive woman because, in her words, my SO is a doormat - Yet the fact that he is not good at asserting himself is the very thing they use to get him to do what they want. It's so ignorant.

I'm not going to meet them in person until December and my interaction with his mom was limited to a ten minute Skype call so far, so I will definitely give them a chance. As said, I know they don't mean ill, but from all the stuff my SO tells me and the stuff I overhear when we have a Skype call these people just irritate me to no end, and it's really hard for me not to feel like junk about it. I don't think I can adress this with them personally, either, considering that they barely know me and I need to keep it that way. As much as I hate it, the ability to change anything lies squarely with my SO, and I so dearly wish there was more I could do.

[merlinkitty]

His mom apparently said she was worried he'd up with an abusive woman because, in her words, my SO is a doormat - Yet the fact that he is not good at asserting himself is the very thing they use to get him to do what they want. It's so ignorant.

Oh, the irony. Perhaps he could start with small things. Like you said the just bust in on his room. Perhaps the next time they do that just say something to the effect of "my door is closed for a reason, but I'd be happy to open it for you if you'd knock." This gives them a boundary and a positive action that says "I'm not shutting you out of my life, but I would like my space respected" by offering to open the door for them. I got into this with my parents and I flipped out lol and I should have handled it better. It was an issue with them opening my mail. Instead of confronting my mom over this (which was actually me screaming because I had let it build up to the point I was beyond frustrated lol) I should have said something like "if you could put my mail in x place, I will be happy to open and take care of it." Something like that would take some time for it to finally sink in so patience would definitely have to come into play on his part. If you think about in the way you try to work with your SO, he's going to be turning some of that back on his family and it's going to take some time to retrain them (hopefully) and for them to get used to the idea that they need to respect his space. The religion thing is going to be a mess. Personal opinion, it might be best to wait to fight that battle until he's out of there again.

If his mom already says he's a doormat, perhaps if things getting really frustrating for him, he can use this to help enforce his point that they're wiping their feet on him. It's my personal inclination that they might be more receptive if he can handle this in an adult fashion, speaking calmly, with intent, and clear boundaries. I agree that you probably shouldn't get involved directly about it. Otherwise it's going to make you look like that "abusive" woman who's controlling his life, when he's really got that going on already. If he's the one who asserts his needs to his family, they might be more likely to respect them.

[Miasmata]

I figured I should update a little on this

My SO has been really trying to assert himself more on his own accord. I encourage him, but he handles the situation himself, and it makes me really proud. It's "just" the little things so far, like asking his parents to knock instead of barging into his room, but I really appreciate these successes and so does he. He's also getting noticably more confident about himself and his feelings. Still a long way to go, but the progress is there!

In the meantime, his dad apparently started asking my SO a lot of questions about me. I see the interest as a good sign, for sure. It did bother me however that he pressed my SO on the topic of marriage. We haven't even been together for 6 months now, so I don't enjoy the pushiness in this direction. As far as I know it's a religious thing that they expect dating to inevitably lead to marriage.

My SO's goal is to build up enough respect from his parents to ask them if I would be allowed to sleep in the same bed as him during my visit in December. No intentions for dirty stuff, we'd really just want to enjoy each other's presence. I don't have high hopes that his parents will let us, to be honest, but I'm happy my SO wants to at least try. It would be quite hard and irritating for me, but I would definitely respect their No. We'll see what happens.

[rhabdoviridae]

Neither of our parents would let us sleep in the same bed when we we under their respective roofs while we were dating (and we dated for like 7 years before we got married, haha) except his mom. It was frustrating of course but it's a respect kind of thing in my opinion. It sounds like you're being reasonable about the chance they'll say no; plan for the worst but hope for the best!

[Kapwned]

I figured I should update a little on this

My SO has been really trying to assert himself more on his own accord. I encourage him, but he handles the situation himself, and it makes me really proud. It's "just" the little things so far, like asking his parents to knock instead of barging into his room, but I really appreciate these successes and so does he. He's also getting noticably more confident about himself and his feelings. Still a long way to go, but the progress is there!

In the meantime, his dad apparently started asking my SO a lot of questions about me. I see the interest as a good sign, for sure. It did bother me however that he pressed my SO on the topic of marriage. We haven't even been together for 6 months now, so I don't enjoy the pushiness in this direction. As far as I know it's a religious thing that they expect dating to inevitably lead to marriage.

My SO's goal is to build up enough respect from his parents to ask them if I would be allowed to sleep in the same bed as him during my visit in December. No intentions for dirty stuff, we'd really just want to enjoy each other's presence. I don't have high hopes that his parents will let us, to be honest, but I'm happy my SO wants to at least try. It would be quite hard and irritating for me, but I would definitely respect their No. We'll see what happens.

That's good to hear! I trust he is of an adult age so he should definitely be practicing asserting himself. Even if he is under their roof, I think everyone deserves a level of privacy and respect. I definitely know that feeling. I still live at home with my parents and they do not know the concept of knocking on the door or announcing themselves before entering my room. And family outings can be more stressful than fun seeing as we're a large family and everyone wants to do their own thing and it usually ends in bickering. I am an introvert and I can't deal with that for long and I eventually need to wind down so I can definitely sympathize.

Hopefully they will be okay with you sleeping in the same room as him but my gut tells me they may not like this. At the very least he could maybe offer a compromise and they can give you your own separate cot in the room.

[Riyko]

I just saw this post. While I've never grown up in a Mormon household (i'm Atheist) I grew up in Utah (mormon capital of the world). The things his family are doing are very normal of what mormon families do with the not knocking they feel there is no need to knock because you shouldn't be doing something you aren't suppose to do. With the sleeping in the same bed, that will most likely be a big NO as you don't sleep in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex unless you are married to them, even sleeping in the same bedroom is a big no-no. I'd say don't be surprised if they have you sleeping in a guest room on the other side of the house and on the floor above or below where your SO is sleeping.

Good luck with everything and I hope everything works out how you want it to

[Miasmata]

Just wanted to give a quick update on the relationship with my SO's family - He has opened up to them more and more, particularly his mother and his siblings, and he's really learning to be more assertive and concise with them. It's helping a lot - His mom promised to stop pressuring him about the faith (she just expects him to still attend church every week, which is still against his wishes, but he's okay doing it as a favor for his mother) and is doing her best to accept him and his choices more. It's really great to see how much his assertiveness is helping, and how good it is for both him and his family. He feels more comfortable around them and spends more time with them, and they accept him and his ways more. It's a very positive development, and it makes me so happy! The whole situation was only vaguely related to me, so I'm just happy for him, but I will admit I was flattered when he said that his mom thinks I'm a really good influence on him. I think that bodes will for my visit next month.

Now, the only and sadly also the biggest problem left is my SO's dad. When my SO spoke to his mom, he was also honest about his dad, and his mom was very open with him too. From what my SO told me now, his dad is borderline abusive, and sadly mimicks a lot of the behaviour his dad's mother used to raise him. My SO's grandma is a very nasty, controlling and abusive woman, so this is definitely concerning. My SO's dad has a disgusting tendency to lash out at people and shame them, and he makes a lot of snide remarks that he disguises as jokes. He's also still being pushy about whether my SO is going to marry me or not, and he expects us to go to church together so I can potentially join the Mormon faith. He even texted my SO on his phone during the last visit we had to tell him to go to church here. So far, the family has basically tried to ignore the dad's problematic behaviour, but he's been causing a lot of tension between the dad and my SO's brother, and my SO said that he doesn't want his dad to continue unchecked. The mom promised to call him out more, which she has been doing, so hopefully that'll help.

I'm honestly pretty worried about how the dad will be on my visit, but all I got is to wait and see. I've grown to be pretty confident and good with words over the past years, and I can hold my own in a conversation. If he tries to start trouble with me, I will stay polite, but I will definitely stand my ground. I hope he won't test my confidence too much, is all. I don't want to cause trouble, not even if he starts it.

[Miasmata]

I figure I should give this thread one last update before I deservedly let it rest!

My visit to Utah went better than I would have ever expected, and I'm so glad I put my hangups aside and gave his family a fair chance. While it will never change that we don't see eye to eye on a bunch of things, I was very impressed with how open and friendly they were to me, and I appreciated their genuine efforts to make me comfortable a lot. They did bug me about the faith a few times, especially the grandparents did, but they respected my boundaries and let the matter rest after I made clear that it wasn't my cup of tea. I felt very welcome and that they were genuinely trying to get to know me. Not going to lie, spending time with them was more taxing than I anticipated because I constantly felt like I was put on trial and needed to be at my very best, but considering what they wrote to my mom and what they said to my SO, that hard work paid off. They were head over heels for me and gave my SO their approval for him to move here. And really, when I think about it, that's the best result I could ask for.

There were a few times were especially his dad ribbed on my SO too much for my taste, as I expected would happen, and I made a point out of being polite but firm in response. Like, when his dad made fun of my SO's German and my SO was getting too nervous to respond well, I asked him to recite some of the phrases I taught him. I also underlined that I'm helping my SO out with his learning process and that his dad should remember how tricky German is. I think behaviour like that really made his family respect me more, and his dad seemed positively taken aback by my confidence. Guess it is like I thought - The guy isn't used to having someone shoot back when he gets too cocky!

So yeah, being around my SO's family will always be a bit of a stiff affair because of our difference in worldviews and lifestyle, and they're not my favorite people in the world, but I have a lot of respect and appreciation for them now and I'm overjoyed that they feel the same about me. They're good folks, all things considered, and I'm hellbent on having my SO spend plenty of time with them, both now and after he moves. I'm glad I got over myself and gave his family a chance.

[differentcountries]

Happy to hear it went well after all! :-)

[Honour]

I skimmed through, getting the gist of the actual thread, but I'm glad your SO's family's religion hasn't disrupted your relationship. Very happy for you!