what to think

[merlinkitty]

i'm not trying to talk to him about it. I'm just trying to figure out why he would say something like that to someone.

Sweetheart, you're creating a cycle here. It's perfectly fine if you don't want to talk to him about it, and I completely understand, but trying to figure out what he meant by it without asking him what he meant by it is just going to make the problem worse for you. If you're not willing to talk to him about it, figure out how to let go of what you know.

Guy's heads tend to be a lot more straight-forward than the stuff we can concoct. The stuff we imagine and assume are happening half the time are so far from the truth...it's just a disservice to him and you. Too much stress and you can't do anything about it. DifferentCountries said to

Relate to how he treats you in real life.

That's the best thing I know to do at this point.

EDIT:

I feel bad. I feel like I'm picking on you and I want you to understand that I'm not. It's just that I did this. It's why I learned not to snoop his phone. Because you find out things you can't discuss with him because it's obtained unfairly, like you said. In my case, since he was a jerk, I decided to leave him eventually. It just took a long time of snooping and eating away at myself with the things I'd seen. It just made me feel sick and it's really not worth it.

It's okay, you've done something you're not wildly happy about, and found something you're not wildly happy about. But you can either put this behind you and move forward, or continue to over analyze it. For me personally, I would put it behind me. That's all I'm suggesting.

[Deleted]

While I do not advocate snooping, in fact I hate it, I'd be extremely hurt if I read that. It's not that I wouldn't trust him, but I sure wouldn't feel the same after reading it. Sometimes when you snoop, you find things you don't want to, then you have to live with the consequences.

I WOULD NOT BE OK with what he wrote, and even though you were doing something you shouldn't have been, if it were me, I'd fess up and confront him about making you seem so insignificant to his friends. It just isn't right, and regardless of past hurts (everybody has 'em, it's no excuse), after a year and a half, you should mean more to him. Good luck.

I think this is really good advice. Even though it probably wasn't the best idea to go snooping, he still said that...and OP, it really does seem like it's bothering you. I like to face problems head-on and I suggest you do the same in this situation, like Moon said.

I hope you figure things out!

[standingoutsidethefire]

This is just my opinion here, but I don't really have a problem with you looking through his phone. I will say that it can become very unhealthy, as you'll find yourself wanting to check it constantly, and it will only increase your fears and make you incredibly paranoid. It also doesn't help you trust him, which is something you need to do. It's better to trust someone completely, and risk getting hurt, than to ruin a good thing. But I believe if someone doesn't have anything to hide, what's the big deal? I'm all for privacy and all that jazz, but for me it always goes back to "if there's nothing to hide, then there's nothing to fear". And I would rather find out the truth, no matter how painful it may be, than to blindly be with someone who was lying, cheating, ect.

You REALLY need to bring it up to him though. Yes, he probably won't like the fact that you were going through his phone, but it's important that he knows how you're feeling. Does he know you struggle with trusting him? Perhaps you can work together on ways to overcome these trust issues.

[TwoThree]

This is just my opinion here, but I don't really have a problem with you looking through his phone [...] But I believe if someone doesn't have anything to hide, what's the big deal? I'm all for privacy and all that jazz, but for me it always goes back to "if there's nothing to hide, then there's nothing to fear". And I would rather find out the truth, no matter how painful it may be, than to blindly be with someone who was lying, cheating, ect.

No, you aren't all for privacy "and all that jazz". You are painfully contradicting yourself with this statement.

[itsjen516]

Idk I think it's ok to look at a phone :-/ I did to my fiancé and actually found something I wasn't to happy about cuz he had lied. I asked him about it and finally he came clean. And eveything is good now

[Fretboard_Magic]

i'm not trying to talk to him about it. I'm just trying to figure out why he would say something like that to someone. i won't bring it up to him because i got the information unfairly but its just confusing for me and I'm trying to understand why a guy would say these things

You know, I checked your older posts and I tell you NOTHING has changed since last fall. And frankly I know why. You're NOT willing to really talk to him about all these problems that you keep having. You're basically repeating the same thing, you "suspect" something's up, you snoop(which you were already doing last fall), and then there's always something about your boyfriend and some girl(or girls) who probably wouldn't cause any harm to your relationship anyway, and you come here and post about how he might be cheating, how he's not saying he loves you, how he says whatever to his friends.

My advice: the reason why you can't get anywhere is because you're NOT trying to talk about it. So TRY to talk about it with him rather than trying to figure it out on your own. Communication. You gotta do this in any relationship. Just because you obtained some info via snooping doesn't mean you get to avoid facing your problems IF you want to fix them. And since you can't really read his mind, you need to actually talk to him. And I'm sorry to say this to you, but considering this same BS has been happening since last fall, I say this relationship won't work. Sorry but there's too much lack of trust, lack of communication, lack of courtesy and respect where privacy is concerned, and too much politics(who said what to who, didn't say what, etc) going on inside your head. A loving relationship isn't based on any of those things. It's based on the opposite.

You need to first sort out your trust issues, and in the meantime, let your boyfriend go because he needs to do the same on his own terms.

Sorry if I'm being harsh here, but I'm just calling it as I see it. *shrugs*

[silvermoonfairy3]

But I believe if someone doesn't have anything to hide, what's the big deal? I'm all for privacy and all that jazz, but for me it always goes back to "if there's nothing to hide, then there's nothing to fear".

Trust isn't about proof.

[standingoutsidethefire]

Trust isn't about proof.

I disagree. Especially when your trust has been broken in the past, it can be incredibly difficult to just blindly trust someone again. Actions speak louder than words, so I think proof does come into play.

[Moon]

I disagree. Especially when your trust has been broken in the past, it can be incredibly difficult to just blindly trust someone again. Actions speak louder than words, so I think proof does come into play.

If you require proof, it isn't trust.

Also, all future partners shouldn't have to pay for past partners mistakes. The problem is you, not them, in that case.

[merlinkitty]

If you require proof, it isn't trust.

Also, all future partners shouldn't have to pay for past partners mistakes. The problem is you, not them, in that case.

Moon has a great way of being short, sweet, and to the point. I second this. Also add this, with my own recent insecurities have I said things that I wouldnt want taken out of context that are accessible through my phone? Yes. Doesn't mean I'm hiding things. Just means I've said things I'd rather he not read. I'd rather tell him myself than have him read my insecure crap. I think we probably all have this issue.

Past cheats are no excuse for future distrust.

[80anthea]

We have a pretty good relationship. I like to think we respect each other .........and sometimes i check his phone

I'm sorry but you don't respect him if you check his phone behind his back.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I disagree. Especially when your trust has been broken in the past, it can be incredibly difficult to just blindly trust someone again. Actions speak louder than words, so I think proof does come into play.

Moon and Merlinkitty already addressed this, but I just wanted to point out - actions do speak louder than words many times. But if you say you trust an SO and then snoop on their phones, actions are saying you don't trust them.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I should add, I'm not just speaking hypothetically about how I might react if I'd had my trust broken, etc. I've mentioned a few times here that I've been cheated on, and that it messed with my trust. (Kind of the understatement of the year.)

Additionally, my mom cheated on my dad, and I grew up seeing that whole mess in my late pre-teens/early teens, a very formative point in time.

These two things have made me incredibly suspicious sometimes, very convinced that people in relationships have a tendency to betray each other or be conniving and untrustworthy.

I get that it's difficult to trust blindly after a betrayal, I do. I'm lucky that my current SO has been excruciatingly patient as I worked through a lot of it when we first were together. But it's not his fault, and basing my behavior on a relationship other than my current one is not fair to him. Nor respectful.

I think the biggest thing for people who have been cheated on or had trust betrayed is working out in the future how to tell if there's a legitimate cause for suspicion and listening to your gut, or if you're bringing the past into it and being suspicious based on little or nothing. (And if it's the latter, how to make peace with those things so they stop coming up.)

There's also that extreme desire to not want to find yourself in that position again, to not be caught off-guard. It takes a lot of strength to let your guard back down.

One thing I remind myself sometimes is that THIS guy has not given me a reason not to trust him. Sometimes, I've had to stop and ask myself if I'm being logical or if I'm reacting knee-jerk because something is hitting the old insecurities.

I benefit from having an SO who I can talk to about everything, even if I AM being knee-jerk (there have been variants of "I'm pretty sure that I'm bringing my past into this right now, but can we just talk about X or Y") and I think that type of open communication is really, really helpful. We'd talk about what was bothering me calmly, not accusing him, him not being defensive, and us trying to pinpoint what was causing my worry and if there was a way he could help put me at ease about it.

My SO and I have been together around a year and a half now, and I'm significantly better at trusting and not being paranoid, but I didn't get there by snooping through his stuff.

Distrust doesn't feel nice. It makes me stressed and unhappy, and the thing is, even if I got "proof" that I didn't need to be suspicious of one thing, something else would always come up, and if I didn't break that cycle, I'd always need further proof. It gets exhausting, and it's not conducive to loving, respectful, fun relationships.

Getting betrayed doesn't feel nice, either, but at least it's a short event. Being distrustful starts to be a behavior, a way of life, and it's no way to enjoy living or enjoy relationships.

Just my opinion.
/hops off soapbox

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I like how Fretboard_Magic responded to this with the guy's perspective. I've never had a problem with the current guy's female friends. I'd commented on another thread about this, but I think his having them have really helped us in the long run. He also makes a great and valid point about communication. Absolutely fundamental to an LDR. Without it, they're dead in the water whether you see each other regularly or not. Don't want to beat a dead horse, but I think he offers a perspective you don't get to see as often and that's the guy's

I completely agree with this. Good Communication skills are vital in an LDR that is so connected to the Internet. And a lesson I had to learn was to not be jealous of his platonic female friends, and to trust him.

[Hollandia]

i don't think you really can have a full relationship without trust. You are just missing out on a huge part about what it is to be a partner with someone without it.