Arguments with my bf..

[Moumi]

Hello..

I'm not really used to writing in forums but I need advice from people that know what it's like to be in a LDR..

So I've been together with my bf for 6 months, we started talking almost a year ago and met months later, and from that point we got romantically involved.. but then our problems also started.. We are both sensitive and insecure, and we fight quite alot because of this. Recently we have gotten into a bad period of arguments. My problem now is that I am doubting his love, and he gets really mad at me for it and starts screaming at me and wants me to leave him be. He tells me that after everything I shouldn't be doubting, he swears at me and calls me things.. and I don't quite understand why he reacts this way and it makes me feel even more like he doesn't love me because why can't he stand me this much? It's not just this, if I feel bad about myself it feels like he gets mad too.. or eventually it ends up in an argument. I just wish he could be a bit.. softer to me about it, and he tells me that he will but then he gets mad when it happens and he starts being aggressive. It scares me and makes me feel much worse. I don't really know what to do about this.. I feel bad so often because of our relationship and I want to change things but I don't know how.. I feel like he have stopped loving me and he gets mad because he knows it's true.. Am I being paranoid.. or is it coming to an end? If anyone out there have been through something similar, please help..

[laurenandjames9]

This sounds very similar to my previous relationship. I would feel insecure and doubt him, then we would argue about it. We would argue non-stop about silly little things, that weren't even worth it. We were on and off for over a year, and I finally had the courage to end things for good. It seems like you really do love him, and I know how hard it is to even think about walking away. If you really want to make it work, you really need to stop being paranoid. I know it's easier said than done, but it will ruin you like it did me. You have to believe him when he says that he loves you. You both need to work through your issues, talk to each other about how you feel, it's the best thing to do.

Good luck, I am always here

Lauren

[GuineaPunk]

Your chap should not be calling you things and getting aggressive, simple as. We all fight sometimes, but from the tone of your post his input sounds angry to the point of abusive. And it is only making your negative feelings more pronounced, which is not healthy for you. Obviously I don't know the subject matter of your arguments (outside of the broad idea you have given), but it sounds like you both need a bit of self reflection on your own insecurities and whether it is self inflicted or inflicted on each other. It can be hard to know that your other half is doubting the love you feel for them, but he certainly shouldn't be getting aggressive as a result of that. You should certainly never feel scared of him.

My ex-boyfriend was constantly telling me that I didn't care about him enough, and that I wasn't there for him enough, I didn't love him enough, blah blah blah. He was rude, and he was horrible, he emotionally manipulated me for months and months, he made me feel like a pile of dirt on his shoe. In the end I got sick of constantly trying to prove myself after having stuck by him through some pretty terrible events, and I let him push me away. But I never swore at him or got aggressive.

If your relationship makes you feel bad most the time, and you only get abuse from your other half, then I honestly don't think it is worth sticking with. There are so many wonderful guys out there who would treat you so much better.

[squeeker]

I don't think he should be yelling at you for being insecure. But also I think you should work on trusting that he loves you and not doubting it. I think you both have to work on things. Obviously yelling and shouting, to me anyways, is harsher because it is harder to deal with and it's much better when you can talk things out calmly.

Of course maybe you could work out a way that when he feels his temper rising, he needs to take a step back, listen to some music or watch a movie or something to clear his mind, so that you can come back to it and talk about how he could better reassure you that he loves you.

If you aren't able to have a good conversation about this and he keeps making you feel awful when he yells at you, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to be in and you might have to end it as hard as that is. :/ I hope you will be okay.

[RachelAnne]

I agree with the other posters. Doubts and negativity can ruin a relationship. I had a hard time with this as well. There comes a point where you need to learn to trust your partner. Believe what he says unless he gives you a reason not to. Trust his feelings haven't changed. Also, I have to second what squeeker said...maybe next time you feel an argument rising, step back and breathe. Then come back later when he and you have calmed down and approach the subject with calmer and level-heads.

[differentcountries]

The problem, of course, with doubting someone's love is that there is not something they can say or do to "prove " they love you. So, then there is quickly frustration on both sides. I will encaurage you to think very concretely on this ; is there something specific that you want from him, because he cant respond to a vague wish.

I had a period where I was doubting his love and voicing it exactly like that. He felt very attacked by me. Then it turned out we had in part misunderstood each other. Also, obviously I got too aggressive when voicing my concerns. But also, he was being a bit too shy of conflict and not respecting my feelings. We made a deal that the both of us could say whatever we wanted nicely and the other had to listen.

[Moumi]

Thanks guys. I don't want to leave him because I love him too much.. so that's not an alternative. But I don't know why I feel like he doesn't love me or want me.. it's in the little things he does that he didn't used to do, and I know that a relationship can't stay the same, and that it keeps moving, but for some reason this makes me really anxious and makes me feel that he is getting sick of me.. My last bf, it was years ago, but it still hurts, used me as a rebound.. He told me he loved me over and over and then he told me he wasn't over his ex, and something just burst in me and I became less trusting in people in general, and I have never been able to trust people that much to begin with. I come from a bad home and I'm not going to go in to this more but this has left me the way I am.. And I'm trying really hard to change, but I also need him to be more understanding.

Yesterday after our fight he wrote to me to see if I'm feeling better.. and we started fighting again because I was still feeling really bad.. so I just decided to call him, he started screaming at me and I cried and then we ended up both crying and telling eachother how we feel.. It helped, atleast it did for a few hours, then I started feeling bad again and he reacted by not being mad this time, but by crying.. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I feel scared to say anything because it will upset him.. I try to be as nice as I can, as calm as I can, and I wish he could be calm back.. if I tell him I want him to do more romantic things so I will feel more loved, because I need this, he becomes upset and tell me that he does alot already and that he can't do much else since we are apart.. what he does is talk to me alot during the day which I also do (and appreciate, not many couples can/want to talk for so many hours a day), he used to paint me things but he haven't for months and that kind of makes me feel bad. I was bad at showing my appreciation for it because he used to ask me if he can paint me something while I was upset and I was too proud to tell him yes. So I guess he had enough. He also says he tries really hard not to get mad and offended by me many times.. I don't know, I think he just fails to understand what I mean and I don't know any other way to say it.. am I a bad person for wanting more? And what does your bf/gf do to make you feel special when you're far away?

[TwoThree]

If my SO started screaming at me and abusing me if I expressed doubts about his feelings, that certainly would make the doubt much greater. You doubt him because he is verbally abusive. When someone is verbally abusive towards you, there are great chances they don't love you. So you're definitely not being weird.

You love him and don't want to leave him, which is understandable, but there IS an alternative. It is loving yourself more, and realizing that you deserve respect and that being abused is just not right.

[Fretboard_Magic]

I don't want to leave him because I love him too much.. so that's not an alternative.

Yes, it is. And in your case, a BETTER ONE.

I really don't see this being a well-functioning relationship at all. I know you're a girl and all, but this is where you grow some balls and get the hell out of this relationship. I mean, come on, you two are definitely NOT communicating well. Zero compatibility. Leave this guy and don't look back. Because I can tell you what the actual, WORSE alternative you have; you stay in this relationship saying you love him, and you keep forgiving him for all the shit he repeatedly puts you through because you CONVINCE yourself that you love him despite what he does to you, repeat procedure. It creates a nasty ass cycle, a textbook case of an abusive relationship, and you sound like that's the alternative you want to choose. Seriously?? The sooner you get out of it the better. Have more respect for yourself, because your guy sure isn't showing you any.

All the best.

[snow]

The problem, of course, with doubting someone's love is that there is not something they can say or do to "prove " they love you. So, then there is quickly frustration on both sides. I will encaurage you to think very concretely on this ; is there something specific that you want from him, because he cant respond to a vague wish.

I had a period where I was doubting his love and voicing it exactly like that. He felt very attacked by me. Then it turned out we had in part misunderstood each other. Also, obviously I got too aggressive when voicing my concerns. But also, he was being a bit too shy of conflict and not respecting my feelings. We made a deal that the both of us could say whatever we wanted nicely and the other had to listen.

While I agree that not saying exactly what you need, could lead to frustration, it is yet again one of the posts where you blame her for him yelling at her. I am sick of reading those, really.

Thanks guys. I don't want to leave him because I love him too much.. so that's not an alternative. But I don't know why I feel like he doesn't love me or want me.. it's in the little things he does that he didn't used to do, and I know that a relationship can't stay the same, and that it keeps moving, but for some reason this makes me really anxious and makes me feel that he is getting sick of me.. My last bf, it was years ago, but it still hurts, used me as a rebound.. He told me he loved me over and over and then he told me he wasn't over his ex, and something just burst in me and I became less trusting in people in general, and I have never been able to trust people that much to begin with. I come from a bad home and I'm not going to go in to this more but this has left me the way I am.. And I'm trying really hard to change, but I also need him to be more understanding.

Yesterday after our fight he wrote to me to see if I'm feeling better.. and we started fighting again because I was still feeling really bad.. so I just decided to call him, he started screaming at me and I cried and then we ended up both crying and telling eachother how we feel.. It helped, atleast it did for a few hours, then I started feeling bad again and he reacted by not being mad this time, but by crying.. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I feel scared to say anything because it will upset him.. I try to be as nice as I can, as calm as I can, and I wish he could be calm back.. if I tell him I want him to do more romantic things so I will feel more loved, because I need this, he becomes upset and tell me that he does alot already and that he can't do much else since we are apart.. what he does is talk to me alot during the day which I also do (and appreciate, not many couples can/want to talk for so many hours a day), he used to paint me things but he haven't for months and that kind of makes me feel bad. I was bad at showing my appreciation for it because he used to ask me if he can paint me something while I was upset and I was too proud to tell him yes. So I guess he had enough.

Your SO should never scream or yell at you, nor should he call you names PERIOD. There is no reason for these things. They are disrespectful and show that your SO either has an anger/temper issue, or he doesn't love you as much as he says. You are not weird for feeling this way! I would be absolutely thrown off, if my man did this to me!
Walking on egg shells is not going to get you any further in the relationship. Something is going on and you two need to talk about it. Be honest about it, if you can't do it in voice chat without him yelling, then type it out. There is something underlying that both of you feel. You feel that your feelings are not being valued and he feels like his efforts of trying to make you happy are not being noticed. You both need to talk this out. You can't pretend things are OK, just for the sake of him not yelling at you!!

He also says he tries really hard not to get mad and offended by me many times.. I don't know, I think he just fails to understand what I mean and I don't know any other way to say it.. am I a bad person for wanting more? And what does your bf/gf do to make you feel special when you're far away?

Here is something I can relate to. Sometimes my man says things that are offensive to me. I know he is not trying to be offensive, but they still are. But this is where you two should be talking. If something seems offensive to him, he needs to ask you, what you mean. Only then, if you explain it, he will understand what you mean.

What does he do to make me feel special? He sends me pictures and videos that he thinks I would like. He gives me a new pet name almost every day. He comes onto TeamSpeak when he is playing a single player game, so I can hear him play and talk to him if I want to. He goes on Skype to show me things that he got me. He randomly sends me super cute messages to remind me of his love. He asks me for my opinion on things. He looks for point-and-click room escape games to play with me, because he knows I love them.
BUT: He doesn't do all of that every day. He does it, when he feels like it. When I need him to do something for me, I tell him. When I am sick, I ask him to stay on TS with me, even when I fall asleep. When I feel anxious, I ask him to come on Skype so I can see his face and calm down. When I feel lonely, I ask him to watch a movie with me.

[Hollandia]

I left my last Ex because he was abusive. I still care for him but after 10 years of hiding in the bathroom and living on eggshells and I ashamed to say, watching him verbally abuse our daughter, I left. I begged him to get help for years and he told me the same crap you are hearing. About, my making him so angry and him really trying and he is so sorry and loved me so much. It killed the love and before the bitter end even got physical. Get him to get help now, or get out now. It is much easier to do this now rather than a mortgage, car loans, a few kids and a long ugly divorce latter. If you are not willing to do this, then find a support group and get ready to suck it up and deal.

I don't mean to sound harsh or cold, but I feel that sometimes it is the only thing that works in this situation and it is for your own mental health and safety as well as any future children that might be subjected to it. People with out of control anger management problems do not just get better! They get help or they verbally and/or physically abuse other people.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Unfortunately I'm with Fretboard and Hollandia on this one.
There are massive red flags all over this situation.

Screaming when you talk about feelings and doubts, calling you names, making you feel bad, and crucially, making you feel bad FOR feeling bad.. these aren't signs of a healthy, loving relationship.

I know you love him, and that makes it that much harder to consider breaking up, but what about this situation do you love? You said you spend most of the time feeling bad, either because you don't feel loved and appreciated, or because you've brought up doubts and you guys fight about it.

You're well within your rights to want to feel special and appreciated by a partner, and *this* partner seems extremely unlikely to be able to give you what you want/need, and moreover, he's being verbally abusive and manipulative at the same time.

I'm with the others who have said end it. This is not a good situation, at all.

[kikidee]

I agree with others. Your communication skills are lacking and honestly, it takes two to fight. However I guess I can't really say how you fight since I don't know you. Do you ever try to discuss and solve issues, or do you just throw doubt and feelings at each other?
I easily "feel bad" about things too and when I over do it my SO gets annoyed and if I just keep sayin I feel bad I realize that doesn't solve anything. So we talk things out and try to work on our issues (and we've NEVER fought like screaming or insulting). I think if he just has some anger issues and isn't deep down abusive then you guys need to agree to work on things. You- try not to always have doubts that won't help you anyways, and him to talk things through and not be abusive. Of course if he continues to be, he probably is abusive in which case you should probably get out before you're too deep in.
Hope something I said was useful, lol. Please if he really is abusive, don't make excuses for him or stay because of your feelings. Think logically.

[rhabdoviridae]

Leaving is always an alternative, no matter how much you care for him. His behavior is an unacceptable way to treat another human being, let alone someone he's supposed to care for, and if he won't change the way he treats you, I think you would be better off in the long run leaving him.

[differentcountries]

While I agree that not saying exactly what you need, could lead to frustration, it is yet again one of the posts where you blame her for him yelling at her. I am sick of reading those, really.

I can't say I really understand what you mean by this. I like to see two sides of a story. My ex used to yell at me, and I hated that. I used to sometimes yell at my husband, and there have been times I have not been very thoughtful towards my boyfriend, and he gets very easily hurt by it . I have seen two sides of this story. I am not blaming anyone. I am pointing to the fact that she is part of their ongoing communication. There is no way of telling if he is being abusive or just a bit frustrated, but either way it is not working out . And she needs to decide if she wants to make it work or let it be. It is her life and her call. Only she knows what can be done.