He's a self-proclaimed narcissist. Is there any chance to overcome this?

[Moon]

Are you for real?!
If you think that someone's story doesn't add up or is untrue, then don't answer.
We obviously know only one point, so that's what we have to base our opinion on. Serious question: Where's the use in speculating about another side of the story?
There are always a lot of possibilities. For every break-up post we could speculate whether aliens made the poster's SO break up with them or that a terrorist organisation is blackmailing them and they're just trying to save the poster. We could speculate about that, but it's a waste of time and not in the least helpful.


Narcissist or not, suneerayz's (hopefully now ex) SO is a huge asshole. No further speculation needed.

Couldn't agree more.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Serious question: Where's the use in speculating about another side of the story?

In this situation, or in general?
Because often, people on this board attack posters for looking at the other side than the OP's side on anything, and I do think that's a little problematic.

I'm never for victim-blaming, and in this situation, there probably isn't much good in looking at the other side of the story. The OP's guy just seems like a total douche.. sometimes there isn't a deeper story than that.

But in general/overall, without wading too far into this, the sort of self-introspection that comes from thinking about more than just your side of a story is a very good way to understand where your SO/other people are coming from, and sometimes that's a really valuable skill.

[silvermoonfairy3]

If you think that someone's story doesn't add up or is untrue, then don't answer.

Also, does this part go for everyone, or....? Because people do that here *constantly* and it's a perfectly valid thing to do when trying to figure stuff out. Heck, half the time the threads here are helping a poster figure out why their partner's behavior or situation doesn't seem to add up or might be untrue.
(It's happening currently in another thread where a poster's SO doesn't have enough money for her to come live with him, but wants to travel for a year. Multiple people are commenting on how it doesn't add up.)

There are always a lot of possibilities. For every break-up post we could speculate whether aliens made the poster's SO break up with them or that a terrorist organisation is blackmailing them and they're just trying to save the poster.

Yes, but in general there are clues and things to pick up on to make reasonable educated guesses and stuff, as opposed to totally out there/wild speculation.

[Hollandia]

Call me naive, but I really don't think we have very many actual trolls here. I tend to believe in mankind and I feel that 90 percent of what has been posted on the board is true. Some might exaggerate but usually someone picks up on that rather quickly when as you say "things don't add up".

The reason on that other board it was brought up was to show the OP that SO was possibly using the money matter as a reason to not move in together since he stated he wanted to travel for at least a year and also pay her way, and of course the OP now stating he is well off. This does not make her a troll, or any posters questioning it, it was just the natural progression of how the thread has evolved.

The far and few that have been trolls were pretty much outed as such quickly, but then again, maybe I am just being naive. It helps me to think this board is full of real people giving real help and asking for real advice then to assume many are fake.

[Dziubka]

Also, does this part go for everyone, or....? Because people do that here *constantly* and it's a perfectly valid thing to do when trying to figure stuff out. Heck, half the time the threads here are helping a poster figure out why their partner's behavior or situation doesn't seem to add up or might be untrue.
(It's happening currently in another thread where a poster's SO doesn't have enough money for her to come live with him, but wants to travel for a year. Multiple people are commenting on how it doesn't add up.)

I think you completely missunderstood/missread my post

I was referring to Fretboard_Magic saying the OP's story might be made up.
If you think a thread is made-up, why would you even answer?
I wasn't talking about helping someone to figure out whether what their SO says is true.

[80anthea]

I always assume what people write is the truth (or certainly their version of how they believe it to be so). In general if people are making up stories for attention then they lead a very sad life and I'd hope they wouldn't stick around too long!

[silvermoonfairy3]

I always assume what people write is the truth (or certainly their version of how they believe it to be so).

The parentheses part is what I'm referring to.
Sometimes, people are so close to a situation that they only see a version of it: their version. That doesn't necessarily mean they're lying intentionally, or even lying at all, but it means their version is always colored by the fact that it's the side that they know and see.

In that sense, any one person's story is usually quite subjective and there are people that come to others for advice looking to confirm their subjective opinion, and people who want to know others' opinions even if it doesn't agree with theirs. I think the latter is far more helpful for growing as a person, and I think it's why a lot of times that I (and some others here) will believe the poster's version, but also try to help them see if we think there might be another side they're discounting.

Again, not super relevant to this particular thread, since I doubt there's a "good version" that the OP is ignoring, and I think her SO is probably just being an abusive dick, which he has no excuse for and she should not put up with.

Annnnnd, end sort of theoretical ramble on "truth." :P

[silvermoonfairy3]

Call me naive, but I really don't think we have very many actual trolls here. I tend to believe in mankind and I feel that 90 percent of what has been posted on the board is true. Some might exaggerate but usually someone picks up on that rather quickly when as you say "things don't add up".

I agree, I don't think it's outright trolls or people making stuff up. I believe the great majority of the posters here. I just think it's people telling just their side of the story (as we all do) and that sometimes there's benefit in stepping back and realizing it's just your side, and that there are other sides. That there's a partner who has a different side, and it might help to think about their version.

Again, not particularly in THIS case.. I think the partner's side is pretty irrelevant because he's being a verbally abusive and manipulative jerk, and there's never an acceptable reason for that.

[80anthea]

The parentheses part is what I'm referring to.
Sometimes, people are so close to a situation that they only see a version of it: their version. That doesn't necessarily mean they're lying intentionally, or even lying at all, but it means their version is always colored by the fact that it's the side that they know and see.

In that sense, any one person's story is usually quite subjective and there are people that come to others for advice looking to confirm their subjective opinion, and people who want to know others' opinions even if it doesn't agree with theirs. I think the latter is far more helpful for growing as a person, and I think it's why a lot of times that I (and some others here) will believe the poster's version, but also try to help them see if we think there might be another side they're discounting.

Again, not super relevant to this particular thread, since I doubt there's a "good version" that the OP is ignoring, and I think her SO is probably just being an abusive dick, which he has no excuse for and she should not put up with.

Annnnnd, end sort of theoretical ramble on "truth." :P

I understand what you mean now.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I think you completely missunderstood/missread my post

I was referring to Fretboard_Magic saying the OP's story might be made up.
If you think a thread is made-up, why would you even answer?
I wasn't talking about helping someone to figure out whether what their SO says is true.

Ohh, I missed Fretboard's thing about the made-up stuff.
My mistake. Carry on.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Dude, I did not even post on this thread. Why are you bringing me into it?

Oh no no, it wasn't like I was trying to bring you into it, lol. I just saw humour in the fact that you and I prviously debated about something similar on another thread, so that was pretty much why I mentioned your name. I guess shouldn't have? :-p

His behavior is not in the slightest way her fault, and the fact that you blame her for it is just sad. I'm not sure why you like to just play Devil's Advocate to frak with people's heads and I also don't like that you insinuate our posters are making stuff up, you have no way of knowing that. Or is this what you are really doing?

Umm, I never said his behaviour was her fault. All I'm saying is that her reaction to his behaviour is her own responsibility. And in this case, she has children who are also her responsibility, which also, in my book, is a greater one compared to pondering over a dysfunctional relationship with someone who wasn't compatible with her.

By the way, I have since gone over the OP's second post more carefully(I really should've done this the first time, it was my fault) and now I don't even think he's as bad as most of you assume he is, actually. I mean, the whole TV and the XBox thing, they already had two of each items. Maybe he just genuinely wanted a TV and an XBox, so it's totally possible that he just asked the people who he'd grown to perceive as family if they could maybe let him have them. I'd ask my family for something if they had multiple number of them. Asking isn't a bad thing, and I personally don't think that in itself was inappropriate. I still think he could just save up money and buy his own, but then maybe he's just a real cheap ass like that. Who knows, right? Don't get me wrong, though; he still makes me facepalm. But that doesn't necessarily mean the dude is some kind of a horrendous monster either. Or maybe he is. See, I'm just not ruling out any possibilities, that's all.

If the OP wants to keep dating him after learning all these things about him, for that she would be blamable.

I agree completely there. And it looks like she's decided to stand her ground and leave him, so that's good, eh?

I bet you think women are partially to be be blamed who dress in skimpy clothes and get raped too? Or children who take rides from strangers to blame for being molested?

I just knew you'd ask me that, lol. Well, I don't want to go off-topic so if you're really interested, PM me and I'll gladly answer that question for you. ;-)

The OP if anything has low self esteem and not showing any signs of be a narcissist. That POA does not even make any sense and feels like you stated it to win a debate and not give actual helpful advice.

Whoa, I was merely saying "IF". I think you missed the following part I said directly to the OP!

OP - I apologize for being a bit harsh there, I'm not saying you're narcissistic...well, not necessarily.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Are you for real?!

Excellent question! I'm glad you asked because, really, how can anyone be so sure that I'm not a troll, you know? Brilliant point made, Dziubka! *tips hat*

If you think that someone's story doesn't add up or is untrue, then don't answer.

You're missing my point. I merely suggested a possibility, I never specifically said someone on here wasn't being truthful.

Serious question: Where's the use in speculating about another side of the story?

Serious question: are you serious??

Taking all possibilities into consideration is a VERY important thing to do when trying to give SOUND advice to someone. If(there, I said IF, it's a hypothetical thing) you guys think that's wrong, then I seriously don't know what to say any more.

Narcissist or not, suneerayz's (hopefully now ex) SO is a huge asshole. No further speculation needed.

That's quite an absolutist way of looking at things, Dziubka. See, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. This way you only get to look at the surface of the situation. Maybe that's precisely what some of these OPs want, though. You know, to have all these people telling them only what they want to hear. But that's not what good advice is about in my book, and it certainly isn't what they'd get from me. I mean, which is a better piece of advice: the one that only sympathizes with the OP while jumping to conclusions about someone else, or the one that tries to observe the situation and offer a solution based on all possibilities(because, really, we don't know), the one that also, hopefully, comes with a prevention for possible future problems? Besides, I'm totally with everyone else on suneerayz's being better off without him. I'm just trying to introduce different things, different ways to look at things. I see nothing wrong with that.

[kittyo9]

Taking all possibilities into consideration is a VERY important thing to do when trying to give SOUND advice to someone. If(there, I said IF, it's a hypothetical thing) you guys think that's wrong, then I seriously don't know what to say any more.

That's quite an absolutist way of looking at things, Dziubka. See, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. This way you only get to look at the surface of the situation. Maybe that's precisely what some of these OPs want, though. You know, to have all these people telling them only what they want to hear. But that's not what good advice is about in my book, and it certainly isn't what they'd get from me. I mean, which is a better piece of advice: the one that only sympathizes with the OP while jumping to conclusions about someone else, or the one that tries to observe the situation and offer a solution based on all possibilities(because, really, we don't know), the one that also, hopefully, comes with a prevention for possible future problems? Besides, I'm totally with everyone else on suneerayz's being better off without him. I'm just trying to introduce different things, different ways to look at things. I see nothing wrong with that.

You're 38 years old and you still believe that introducing more conflict is a solution?

We always think about the possibility that things are not the way the OP suggested, because we are, for the most part, rational thinkers who realize that there are two parties involved, sometimes more. You are right, we will never truly know how things happened, because, obviously, none of us were there to serve as an objective third-party viewer, but for the most part, every poster who leaves a response has already considered the above and determined which portions of the OP's statement may or may not be subjective. The only person who benefits from playing devil's advocate is you.

I have hosted threads where the responses ranged from totally sympathetic to devil's advocate. The least helpful-- and, sometimes, even more harmful, as well as least accurate as to how the situation actually is-- are always those who choose to twist the OP's story.

And to add to that, it's not like we're the arbiters of anything life-changing here. What's the point of waxing poetic about "there are two sides to every story, we must consider every possibility!" on a message board mostly full of people's relatively mundane relationship problems? (and the occasional debate about nipples.)

It makes me wonder what would happen if the genders were reversed in this situation. I think a guy complaining about a girl being like this would get sympathy and "don't stick your dick in crazy, dude".

Agreed.

[TwoThree]

I just knew you'd ask me that, lol. Well, I don't want to go off-topic so if you're really interested, PM me and I'll gladly answer that question for you. ;-)

The fact that you did not answer "No" straight away is highly alarming.

[Hollandia]

@Fret

It is completely 150 percent not okay to ask someone's CHILD you are dating for their gaming system. It is manipulation. I don't care if they have 10 of them. If you think that is okay at all, then you have some similarities to this guy, which would be troubling. There are lines, and this guy is stepping all over them, I really want a lot of things too, but I would never ask somebody for something I had no place in doing so. I had 4 TVS in my house and 3 gaming systems but if some dude I had been dating had dared to mention me giving him one or even think about asking my kid for hers, I would have kicked him to the curb in a heartbeat. Your not family enough to take people's stuff just because you "really want it", you don't just get what is someone's else's because you are dating them. It's also very immature to think that because someone has more and you want it, that you have a right to ask for it. It's really disturbing how you think you can twist and spin that to sound in the slightest bit okay.

You also say things to the OP in this thread, that are downright hurtful when she came here for help. Your comment whether you said "if" or not, was uncalled for and completely of no help and inappropriate.

You can PM if you wish to divulge the answer to those questions, I am pretty certain there would be nothing to debate over because we would be so far off base on those subjects.