His Parents...

[nemolove_22]

First off, I hope that I'm putting this in the right place - I hope that I am!

So normally my SO texts me good morning in the morning - he's 3 hours ahead of me - but today I didn't hear anything, and I was trying not to over think things - you never know, things may be ok.

But I got a message from him... his parents took away his phone and computer because they don't believe in LDRs and don't think we can work... -.- There's more than that but that's the basic gist.

WE ARE BOTH 25 for goodness sakes!
So we went from having multiple ways to communicate during our days, to him having to sneak on just to send me messages on here and we have no ideas how long this will be - we've not even been together for a month and his parents are already trying to break us up.

I'm just kind of pissed off at his parents, and just feeling frustrated.
We are both going to do our best to make this work, despite the lack of ways to contact each other - but this is going to be rough for awhile.

[squeeker]

Hi! Wow that does suck! Why do they have so much control over him when he's 25? Have you two met? Though I notice you only met online in May of this year so I guess since it's new, it's harder to prove that it's a valid relationship. Perhaps they are scared that their son will move away from their hometown or maybe they are scared that you are a bad person.. could he offer to skype when they are around so they can see you, and maybe talk to you? How impossible would it be for him to move out and get his own place?

I'm not sure what advice to offer.. especially if he isn't paying for his internet and phone. If he's paying for his phone though then I don't know how they could take away his phone and at 25.. seems kinda weird to say the least... but maybe give it some time, he can bring up the subject and talk to them about what it is about you that makes him happy and why he wants to try this? That is so frustrating. I hope you can figure this out!! good luck!

[nemolove_22]

Yeah, it is pretty new over all, and we knew that his mom wasn't totally 100% for him trying as she didn't think it would work, but neither of us saw this coming. I'm not totally sure exactly all of what they help him with. But he's working on getting a job that will pay him pretty well, and he's hoping to come out for a visit. We've not met in person.
I think that they're afraid that I am going to hurt him because it won't work out or something like that. But they aren't even giving us a chance.

We could try Skype, but who knows if they will even go for that.

It is just very frustrating. I just feel like his parents are judging me, and our relationship before they've even really met me!

We both are determined to make it work - and he can sneak on from time to time, but we'll go from talking almost every day - even if it is just once or twice - to goodness knows when. But this is just one hurdle that we need to try to get over. It just really has put a road block in things, but if we can get over this we can get past anything, yeah?

I'm just trying to think positively despite how frustrated this all is making me.

[OperaDiva]

I know this sucks a lot you two need to be on the exact same page to make this work! He should definitely get a job and move out soon, but putting pressure on him will probably add to the frustration. Be supportive. Also, have you thought about arranging a Skype meeting between you and his parents? I know it sounds terribly awkward after what they have done, but maybe they are just afraid you are a catfish or a scam artist. Good luck!

[François]

I am actually in a similar situation with my SO, she is 27 and when she spoken to her dad he told her to broke up with me (happily she didn't). Your boyfriend will have a hard work to do with his parents to make them understand and believe in your relationship. I think there is no miraculous solution, you will have to be patient and keep hope.
Good luck and be strong.

[nemolove_22]

I just hope these responses make sense. :/ I'm kinda tired, but I can't sleep so I'm attempting to hopefully make a bit of sense.

I know this sucks a lot you two need to be on the exact same page to make this work! He should definitely get a job and move out soon, but putting pressure on him will probably add to the frustration. Be supportive. Also, have you thought about arranging a Skype meeting between you and his parents? I know it sounds terribly awkward after what they have done, but maybe they are just afraid you are a catfish or a scam artist. Good luck!

I know he's working on the job and getting his feet under him, and he has stood up to his parents letting them know that he wants this to work and saying if money is an issue - right now, yes it is - but once we're working, it's something that can be done.

I've thought about Skype - I'm just so incredibly frustrated with his parents right now, I may just say something and make it worse. :/
I'm also at home right now and because of where I live, I have pretty iffy service - I can get on for things like this, but it doesn't cooperate with video calls very well (my internet - yay for country living) so that may cause a bit of a problem, and I won't have good internet at home till I move back down to school in a month and a half. So that is causing an issue too with that. I can attempt them, and sometimes they go ok - but it depends on what time the call is happening. I think. I know that may help - they may think that. But neither of them has even tried to reach out to me to even get to know me, and I offered to do that - he said that he didn't think it would help. But I could try. Right now I'll do anything, but if he thinks it'll make it worse, then I'm here, fighting for us - and as soon as I talk to him again I agree - I need to make sure he's on the same page as me. But with this limited access to communication and getting on, that is making that difficult.

I am actually in a similar situation with my SO, she is 27 and when she spoken to her dad he told her to broke up with me (happily she didn't). Your boyfriend will have a hard work to do with his parents to make them understand and believe in your relationship. I think there is no miraculous solution, you will have to be patient and keep hope.
Good luck and be strong.

Thanks. I'm going to do my best to fight as hard for us as I can, without putting too hard.
I just hope that we can get though this - I know we can (staying as positive as I can given everything right now).

[standingoutsidethefire]

It's hard for me to understand his parents actually doing that, and well, for him to even allow it. Then again my parents while not supportive of the idea of my LDR, don't really interfere with it either. They realize it's my life and there's nothing they can do about it. I guess if he's not paying his own way he has to put up with his parents. Hopefully he can find a way out of that situation soon. In the meantime, how about going old school with snail mail? If you can't talk/text/skype, you could always send him a letter.

[JaneEmily]

I've thought about Skype - I'm just so incredibly frustrated with his parents right now, I may just say something and make it worse. :/
I'm also at home right now and because of where I live, I have pretty iffy service - I can get on for things like this, but it doesn't cooperate with video calls very well (my internet - yay for country living) so that may cause a bit of a problem, and I won't have good internet at home till I move back down to school in a month and a half. So that is causing an issue too with that. I can attempt them, and sometimes they go ok - but it depends on what time the call is happening. I think. I know that may help - they may think that. But neither of them has even tried to reach out to me to even get to know me, and I offered to do that - he said that he didn't think it would help. But I could try. Right now I'll do anything, but if he thinks it'll make it worse, then I'm here, fighting for us - and as soon as I talk to him again I agree - I need to make sure he's on the same page as me. But with this limited access to communication and getting on, that is making that difficult.

If anything, I think he needs to assert himself quickly. He's a grown man, a 25 yr old. His parents need to know WHEN to stop interfering in his life, if he doesn't assert himself about the boundaries between him and what his parents get involved in regards to your relationship now then this won't get any better. Trust me, I've been there - my SO's parents didn't understand what an LDR entailed until this year (we've been together since 2011). They never really tried to get to know me or understand it from my SO's perspective until last month. Your SO needs to sit down with them - calmly, like an adult without screaming or using profanities to get his point across (my SO asked to talk to his parents about some things, using polite words and trying to get them to understand it from his perspective whilst he understood it from theirs and it worked). He needs to let them know that this level of interference is unacceptable this early in on your relationship before it escalates, and while they may not be supportive of it or approve of it - he's an adult and he knows what he is doing and that he needs them to let him just on with it. Yes, they may have some doubts but all families etc do when it comes to a loved one experiencing something that they aren't used to.

I agree with you also trying to help them get to know you better. Do they have facebook? If so, try adding them with a message along the lines of "Hi, I know that you probably don't know me and you're unsure of me and your son's relationship - but I thought it'd be nice if we tried to get to know each other - so that we can understand each other's perspective on something that is new for all of us. I hope you don't mind me adding you, but I really want to try to get to know you better too. Maybe we can keep in contact every so often with a little hi or how are you now and again?"

Being polite and respectful like that, instead of just flying off the handle at these people who are still trying to adjust to this whole new situation that they aren't too sure of will help them come around imo. They are coming across as hugely protective imo, but they need to be reassured about this relationship just as much as you do as well as being given the boundaries needed so you and your SO can relax without having people control the flow of your relationship. And the only way that is going to happen is both you and your SO work with them in a way that'll help you all have a healthy relationship towards each other. Try making the first step of them getting to know you. My in-laws were curious about me, but they just didn't know how to go about breaking the ice for over 2yrs, but you just have to find a way to try to solve this puzzle..and the way to do that is just by simple communication.

[snow]

He is 25 and I agree. This is ridiculous. His parents have far too much influence on him, but he is also at fault for letting them take his phone. He needs to explain to them that just because they take away his phone, he is not going to break up with you. He has to tell them about you and make them realize that you are a person and this is a real relationship.

I was in the same situation. My parents turned off the internet so I couldn't speak to my man. They took away my phone, because they thought if I don't speak to him, he is going to break up with me. It took me months and months of talking to them for them to realize that this man is good for me and this relationship is real. It is going to be hard and you will have to support him throughout this whole time, but he has to break free. His parents can't tell him who he can't be with and whom he has to break up with, not at 25!!

[nemolove_22]

Thank you everyone! I have read everything and I do thank you. I may not hit every point in my response as I'm half asleep (I just woke up) but I have read everything. ^_^

standingoutsidethefire: Oh, I like that idea! I may just do that! ^.^

JaneEmily: I know that his mom at least has Facebook, but because of this whole thing, his Facebook has been deactivated so I don't have a way of finding her. I could try though, I plan on asking him if he feels if that would help any. I just have to figure out a way of calmly writing something out - which is why I'm giving myself time to cool down because I know that going off will not help at all. Deep breaths.

Snow: I agree, and I think he's doing what he can to assert himself. I sure hope that he is! I know I will be as supportive as I can be.

[Hollandia]

If you want to be treated like an adult you need to act like one. He's in the USA not timbukto, tell him to go the local 7-11 store and buy a burner phone. They sell burner smart phones too, which he call use to skype and yahoo and whatnot on. They are acting ridiculously so there is no way he should put up with it. Get a burner phone, go to an internet cafe and wah-lah communication.

He needs to grow a pair and live his own life. His parents should be ashamed of themselves for treating a grown man that way. I hate to say it, but I could never love a man like that, this is not the wishy washy momma's boy that I would ever want to have children with. I would have zero respect for someone willing to risk losing you because he can't stand up to mommy and daddy at 25! You should tell him to watch the movie "Blast from the Past" and see if he gets it after that.

[nemolove_22]

If you want to be treated like an adult you need to act like one. He's in the USA not timbukto, tell him to go the local 7-11 store and buy a burner phone. They sell burner smart phones too, which he call use to skype and yahoo and whatnot on. They are acting ridiculously so there is no way he should put up with it. Get a burner phone, go to an internet cafe and wah-lah communication.

He needs to grow a pair and live his own life. His parents should be ashamed of themselves for treating a grown man that way. I hate to say it, but I could never love a man like that, this is not the wishy washy momma's boy that I would ever want to have children with. I would have zero respect for someone willing to risk losing you because he can't stand up to mommy and daddy at 25! You should tell him to watch the movie "Blast from the Past" and see if he gets it after that.

It is a hard situation for both of us, and he's dealing with some things at the moment. I know he is doing what he can and he has stood up to them and told them how he feels - I'm doing what I can from here, I'm working to throw the ball into his parent's court so they can get to know me better.

It's a situation that is tricky for him to get out of. He has stood up for us. He has told me he is going to fight and figure out a way to make them understand that this isn't going to make him break up with me...

This all happened yesterday, so we are both trying to figure out what our next step in our relationship is, we are staying together - we just have to figure out a plan, and right now that's kinda hard as we're both in shock over what has happened. So yeah, that's why we don't have all these plans set in place like a burn phone etc etc etc as we are both kinda like O.o "woah, did that really just happen?"

[Hollandia]

It is a hard situation for both of us, and he's dealing with some things at the moment. I know he is doing what he can and he has stood up to them and told them how he feels - I'm doing what I can from here, I'm working to throw the ball into his parent's court so they can get to know me better.

It's a situation that is tricky for him to get out of. He has stood up for us. He has told me he is going to fight and figure out a way to make them understand that this isn't going to make him break up with me...

This all happened yesterday, so we are both trying to figure out what our next step in our relationship is, we are staying together - we just have to figure out a plan, and right now that's kinda hard as we're both in shock over what has happened. So yeah, that's why we don't have all these plans set in place like a burn phone etc etc etc as we are both kinda like O.o "woah, did that really just happen?"

It's good he stood up to them. He needs to keep showing them he is a man, and not a boy. The more he acts like an adult the more his parents will respect him enough to treat him like one. My daughter acts like a child when she is an adult and she gets treated as such, but when she acts like an adult, she is treated as an adult.

I will also say that if they are paying for his phone and laptop, that is their right. If he is paying for it, it is not. This is why I suggested him getting his own burner phone and using an internet cafe, that way they are not paying for any of it and it is out of their hands. If you are 25. living under their roof, with their internet and their devices then this is why his parents feel they can do this. They are wrong for doing so, but this is how I would see them doing this.

[nemolove_22]

It's good he stood up to them. He needs to keep showing them he is a man, and not a boy. The more he acts like an adult the more his parents will respect him enough to treat him like one. My daughter acts like a child when she is an adult and she gets treated as such, but when she acts like an adult, she is treated as an adult.

I will also say that if they are paying for his phone and laptop, that is their right. If he is paying for it, it is not. This is why I suggested him getting his own burner phone and using an internet cafe, that way they are not paying for any of it and it is out of their hands. If you are 25. living under their roof, with their internet and their devices then this is why his parents feel they can do this. They are wrong for doing so, but this is how I would see them doing this.

Oh, he is standing up to them. I know that for sure!

I don't know if they're paying for his phone and laptop... I think the laptop is his personally but I'm not sure about the phone. When I talk to him next I'll suggest the burner phone and internet cafes. Thanks for the ideas. ^_^

[Hollandia]

Oh, he is standing up to them. I know that for sure!

I don't know if they're paying for his phone and laptop... I think the laptop is his personally but I'm not sure about the phone. When I talk to him next I'll suggest the burner phone and internet cafes. Thanks for the ideas. ^_^

Your welcome.

As a parent, it is hard to let go sometimes, but when your child needs to fly the coop, you need to learn to accept this. They must also learn to allow him to "make his own mistakes", in order for him to grow into the person that he is meant to be. They cannot take care of him for the rest of his life so they need to allow him to be self sufficient to stand on his own two feet. I would try mentioning these things to them in a calm matter and explain that is is willing to pay his own way to continue the communication if needed to show he is being adult and responsible about it in a mature way. I hope this helps and they see the light, even if they feel an LDR is doomed that should his decision and they cannot prevent him from going through heartache throughout his life, no parents can, nor should they.

If the laptop is his, it is also theft for them to take it. Something that they should be ashamed of themselves for doing. That is not a good example to set for your child and ironically somewhat juvenile.