Family Troubles

[angelvee]

I could really use some thoughts on this one. My now fiance and I are planning to meet in the fall, and since he came here last time, we were planning on me going there. I really don't have much money as I'm unemployed, but his aunt is willing to bring me to see him. This made us very happy as I have never been to his state before, and have never traveled anywhere more than 100 miles, but most of all we would have some more time together.

That all sounded great until my grandmother heard of this plan. I am a caregiver to her, so we planned she would come along on the trip. I told my grandmother this news...and she sort of flipped. She told me she will not go and that is that, making up all these excuses. She even went as far as to tell me I can't even go without her because I'll need a "chaperon". I'm 23 and engaged to this man! My fiance stayed here last month and she loved him! So I do not think the problem is really with him. I thought of getting an in-home caregiver, but I just cannot afford it right now. Even if I could afford that, or if someone would help me, she is dead set against that. I don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm getting really depressed, and so is my fiance. Any thoughts/ advice would be appreciated.

[squeeker]

That does sound weird, especially since you said she has met him and seemed to love him.. and you have been together over 3 years by your ticker.. I'm not sure how much you have seen each other.. Is it the travel that is bugging her? Is there a way to make the travel or accommodations different in case she is worried about that, maybe go over what's going to happen. Is she worried about your fiance's aunt bringing you both there, does she know his aunt? Would your boyfriend's aunt be able to talk to your grandmother, maybe go over what the plan is? Maybe an "older" adult might help her understand more.. since to your grandmother, she probably still sees you as a baby.. does she know you are engaged and your plans for that.. maybe you could talk to her specifically about her worries... and how important this is to you. Is there any other family or friends she could stay with while you are gone, who wouldn't mind helping her with the things she needs help with? Maybe it depends on the length of time you will be gone for as well. Maybe your grandmother is worried if you go there, that you will want to stay there, and then she would have to either move or live somewhere without you, so maybe she needs some reassurance that you are going to include her in your future plans? I hope you can find a good plan.. I know how hard family can be sometimes..especially when you are the sole caregiver of them. I wish you luck figuring it out. If your grandmother is totally refusing to go, maybe it'll be better for your fiance to come here this time and tell your grandmother NEXT time you are going there.. or would it be possible for your fiance to come visit you before or after and then you could travel to see him as well but split up in case it's the length of time that would bother her? Although that would probably cost more because more people would be traveling. I hope you can figure out something and your grandmother accepts the travel or can stay with someone nearby.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

You mentioned you are her caregiver. Does she have any illness or infirmities, or physical problems that make it difficult for her to travel? If so, she might be concerned about that. You might want to speak to her physician about any health concerns she might have, that might be affected by travel, especially air travel.

[angelvee]

Thanks for the replies. She does know his aunt as she brought him here to see me the first time. They stayed here and she got along with both of them. His aunt even told her she had plans to come back and drive us up there. I understand it is around a 12 hour ride, but I don't understand how it would affect her when we could stop probably every hour. Her worst problem is her mobility is not good, so she has trouble walking. I think my grandmother is worried about a lot of things, and probably like squeeker said, that I might decide to leave her for him. We have told her it won't happen anytime soon, becuase there are a lot of things to straighten out before we get married, but sometimes I wonder if she doubts it. My fiance and I are trying to think of something because I really think it's important we see each other. He can't keep coming here to visit, and we can't go without seeing each other. We have no idea when our next chance of meeting up is. Maybe I can get a neighbor to check on her and not go for more than a few days. My fiancé and I are desperate to make this work.

[BlueCat]

While caring for your grandmother is important, I don't think you should let it hold you back. I agree that her travelling is possibly not the best idea, and I know quite a few older people become unsettled at the thought of long journeys, and even the stress of it can cause extra health problems sometimes.

Having said that, I don't see any reason why you couldn't hirer a carer temporarily to help her out while you went to visit your SO for a couple of weeks. I know you said you can't afford it, but I don't know how much it costs so maybe with a little more time and saving you could. She's obviously both against going with you and you going alone, she probably is frightened of being left behind, but you still need to be able to live your life. Like you said it's not ideal for your SO to visit you again, but rather than not seeing each other for a long time again, it may be your best option.

As a side note, though she never told me herself, my Nanna didn't want me going to the USA to visit my SO because she was worried I would join a cult, lol.

[Sanja]

My family depends a lot on me. When I told them about my decision to move to my SO, they understood. It's not easy for me to just leave them, but I do want a life and family on my own. It's difficult when someone relies on you do much, but you need to do what's best for you. Talk to your grandma about it. I hope she will come to understand. She just might be afraid of being alone. Good luck.