What to do....

[whatruckus]

As someone who has been diagnosed with PTSD, I am somewhat insulted that it's being treated as a reason to excuse his behavior. PTSD does not a cheater make, and he will never change when he clearly does not want to. Suffering with PTSD is an affliction no one asks for but you heal from it by wanting to get better and acknowledging the resources you have. Someone who shuts down all resources and refuses change will only become more abusive and use his illness as an excuse. The cheating will not stop and neither will the emotional damage from his depressive episodes. The man who is hurting you now is the man who will hurt you when marriage gets boring or you have a fight or the kids are too much. You need to get out. Now. Or you will always be his second played fiddle.

I was definitely just about to say this. My SO has PTSD, still doesn't mean he can treat me like crap when he's down in the dumps. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him. Yes, PTSD is a serious condition and it's tough to deal with, but if it he is not willing to change, or at least get help, or realize how much he is hurting you, I really don't see the point in staying. You are already insecure now because of him. As much as you think it won't bother you if you're in another relationship, you're wrong. That type of dishonesty and emotional abuse doesn't go away...at least, not that easily.

I highly doubt that his PTSD is causing him to be so untrustworthy and is one of the reasons why he cheats on you. There's definitely more to it than that. Him saying that is his reason, and that you should just accept it, is a complete and utter load of crap. He is a liar and a narcissist.

I also completely agree with GuineaPunk and I will reiterate what I said in my first post: He is using you. You are his yo-yo.

[rhabdoviridae]

You ask what others would do in this situation. I would break up with him right away and focus on your schooling, career and friends. You have far too much potential to waste on bearing children for some guy who treats you like garbage.

You do not owe him anything. Your only responsibility is to yourself and your own well being and happiness. No one wants to hurt their significant other, but sometimes you have to hurt them by breaking up in order to secure your own future and well being.

There is no reason you should stay with this man. He has spit in the face of your trust and generosity in forgiving him. He has not only used up his second chance but his third and fourth. Where will you draw the line? You deserve to be treated with respect and he has never treated you with respect; you admit you do not think this will change, either. You have so much of your life ahead of you to find someone that will treat you with love and respect. Just because someone treated you like crap early in your life does not mean that you are destined to be treated like crap and that you should grin and bear it. End things with this guy and don't look back.

[kikidee]

I think he needs to try medication before he can say what he thinks it is going to do for him. I had a traumatic expirience when I was younger and it may or may not be the reason for my anxiety in my life but I take medication for it and it has not changed me at all. If anything, it will most likely either calm him or make him more anxious in which case he can try a different medication but either way it will still be him.

[lostlover]

I was definitely just about to say this. My SO has PTSD, still doesn't mean he can treat me like crap when he's down in the dumps. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him. Yes, PTSD is a serious condition and it's tough to deal with, but if it he is not willing to change, or at least get help, or realize how much he is hurting you, I really don't see the point in staying. You are already insecure now because of him. As much as you think it won't bother you if you're in another relationship, you're wrong. That type of dishonesty and emotional abuse doesn't go away...at least, not that easily.

I highly doubt that his PTSD is causing him to be so untrustworthy and is one of the reasons why he cheats on you. There's definitely more to it than that. Him saying that is his reason, and that you should just accept it, is a complete and utter load of crap. He is a liar and a narcissist.

I also completely agree with GuineaPunk and I will reiterate what I said in my first post: He is using you. You are his yo-yo.

I constantly feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. I always think about what I say before I say it because if I say something upsetting, stupid or something he doesn't agree with - He'll speak to me like a piece of poo.

I already know the damage that's been caused is going to affect me for a very long time. Put it this way I don't want anyone near me (I know it's different because I'm with someone and I love someone thus I don't think about being with anyone else) but I don't want any other man close to me. I am petrified of getting treated and hurt like this again.

I'm interested that you have called him a narcissist. One of my close friends described him as a narcissist and I did some research on it and he is exactly how they are described.

You ask what others would do in this situation. I would break up with him right away and focus on your schooling, career and friends. You have far too much potential to waste on bearing children for some guy who treats you like garbage.

You do not owe him anything. Your only responsibility is to yourself and your own well being and happiness. No one wants to hurt their significant other, but sometimes you have to hurt them by breaking up in order to secure your own future and well being.

There is no reason you should stay with this man. He has spit in the face of your trust and generosity in forgiving him. He has not only used up his second chance but his third and fourth. Where will you draw the line? You deserve to be treated with respect and he has never treated you with respect; you admit you do not think this will change, either. You have so much of your life ahead of you to find someone that will treat you with love and respect. Just because someone treated you like crap early in your life does not mean that you are destined to be treated like crap and that you should grin and bear it. End things with this guy and don't look back.

Thank you for your kind words.

I don't know where my line is drawn but as I've mentioned to another poster previously I am one of these people that will fight and fight and fight and give my all to someone until there is nothing left of me - it's only then that I am able to leave because I know I have nothing left to give or fight for. I find it frustrating and believe me, I am angry with myself for still being here for him.

I know I am still young and I have time to find someone who will treat me with more respect etc but that doesn't give me the strength to realise that it's time for me to walk away now.

I think he needs to try medication before he can say what he thinks it is going to do for him. I had a traumatic expirience when I was younger and it may or may not be the reason for my anxiety in my life but I take medication for it and it has not changed me at all. If anything, it will most likely either calm him or make him more anxious in which case he can try a different medication but either way it will still be him.

I'm not sure if he has tried it or not. It's a touchy subject and not something I like to bring up unless necessary. All I know is he believes that he won't be himself and he doesn't want to take medication so that is something I will respect. It is his decision and I cannot force him to do something he doesn't want to.

As others have said, if he isn't actively willing to make a change in his life then he will continue the way he is going. A few days ago I did warn him that he will lose everything if he doesn't try to work on the depression and PTSD and he told me that it will never go away and he's learnt to just get by how he is - he isn't going to change and he won't take any steps to help himself or to reduce the hurt he causes me. He told me I either deal with it or I leave and he said he wouldn't blame me if I left him because of it but that's just not who I am. If I was to leave him it'll be because I don't trust him not because he has depression and PTSD.

[Ahava]

I just wanted to add, that before he should even think about having children he should get himself sorted. Children won't be able to understand that "Daddy is in one of his states" and still loves you when he acts distant and doesn't communicate with them or acts abusive. The circle would just continue and his children would end up with maybe even worse problems.

I agree with what the others have said.

You are still young with a life a head of you. You can get over him and the pain he has caused you and find someone who truly loves you unselfishly.

No matter what he says I doubt he could not cheat on you again, as he was cheating on someone else (ready to get married!!!) when he was with you, while/after he proposed to you he has been cheating on you atleast online. He would need something life changing to happen for him to be able to change.
Also his age speaks against him been able to/wanting to change. If he wanted to he would have done it years ago.

Good luck with everything!

[GuineaPunk]

I know I am still young and I have time to find someone who will treat me with more respect etc but that doesn't give me the strength to realise that it's time for me to walk away now.

You have responded to everyone's comments with a cool, calm and collected outlook where you could have easily gone on the defensive as many people can do when they are having troubles but aren't quite ready to face up to them. Plus you have admitted that it is not fair to you, and that you are hurting as a result of his actions. It reads to me that you do have the strength to walk if you want to Can you ever trust him again? Do you think you can accept for the long term that it is unlikely that he will ever seek help for his own problems? No point running yourself into the ground until you have nothing left to give if you answer no to either of those questions, you'll only beat yourself up about it later in life.