Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

[lilspitfire]

Okay, my boyfriend comes from a wealthy background and I don't. When I first found this out, I wasn't sure what to do or think. I've tried not letting it bother me, but each time he unintentionally reminds me, I get that feeling that we are too different. Am I over reacting to nothing? Is anyone else in this spot? Or has ever been? This is a silly comparison but it's like he's a celebrity and I'm a fan.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I personally say you are over reacting. I don't think the amount of money someone has or comes from should have anything to do with a relationship. I don't find money to be important in any form of relationship. But that just me.

[differentcountries]

I am not wealty by Norwegian standards, but compared to SO I definitely am. It has been an issue, both because I have had other uppertunities than him (he literally has not had time to explore hobbies), in terms of gifts and because I contribute more to our family econony than he does. It has not always been easy. I try to show him I don't think any less of him, and that I understand he needs to do things for his self worth. Now it is just a matter of facade of sorts, like he sometimes asks for my money before we enter the restaurant so it will appear as though he is paying.

[chasingdragonflies]

Nope! Similar sitch here. I'm not entirely sure how much money by boyfriend('s family) has, and I don't think it's ludicrous, just a HELL of a lot more than me and my family. I mean, his house is gorgeous, and I live in a dilapidated flat. It generally doesn't bother me when we're together but whenever he buys me anything or takes me out and I can't return the favour I'm scared I'm sponging/being a charity. Especially because he works hard for his own personal money. Occasionally I feel sad when he's able to go out and do nice things/go away or whatever when we're apart and I feel like I'm just waiting around for him to get back. However, he's really understanding about my situation, and even though sometimes I'm scared it might be more pity (it's not, I'm just silly I guess), it doesn't matter. Having this "difference" isn't anything at all if you wanna be together. I'd just try not to let it bother you, I guess.

[silvermoonfairy3]

How does he unintentionally remind you, like what are the situations where it comes up?

I think you probably are making too big a deal out of it, assuming neither of you is actually trying to look down on the other, etc.

In my opinion, money is only as big of an issue as a couple makes it. It's one of the number one things couples fight about, so people definitely need to be on the same page.. but I personally don't have the testy tendencies that come with discussing money. I don't really get feelings of the hurt pride of not having as much or of looking down on a partner who has less than me, etc. But, that's partly because I try to keep things pretty even overall.

Money is fluid for me, in that it's not the be-all, end-all. I don't have a ton of it, but I'm not wondering where my next dinner is coming from.
Keeping things even overall might not mean spending exactly the same, or anything like that. But like, for example. This was with a friend, not an SO. But there was a play in New York we really wanted to go see.. that's about a 3.5 hour drive, and I don't like driving in the city anyway. My friend doesn't make as much money as I do and the tickets were a little pricey. I bought the tickets, but she drove and paid the $20 parking (gotta love NY!) and covered my dinner. Did she spend a fair bit less than me for that same experience? Yeah, but she chipped in for some things, and I didn't have to drive. For us and our understandings of money and the way our friendship is set up, that was a perfectly balanced, acceptable split of the costs. Because "costs" aren't always just the monetary.

My SO's family isn't rich, but they're certainly more well-off than my family. But, at least for now, I make 2-3 times as much money as my SO does. And at some point, he's likely to be making a good chunk more than I am, because his field will have higher starting salary. There's give and takes. But being on the same page is important. My SO and I have very similar views on money and how we split it, and we both understand and believe in the notion that things ebb and flow, and we'll take turns being breadwinners and so on.

Have you and your SO discussed money at all, or is this more about impressions you're getting, etc?

[Bobbiejeanne]

In a similar boat- My SO comes from a fairly wealthy family, and I'm the daughter of a semi-retired single mother. Very different walks of life.

I agree with everyone on here, it's what you two make of it. I occasionally tease my SO on the topic ('Oh look at those intense combat books! From Ralph Lauren! They go with your designer flannel so well!') but at the end of the day, we both know it doesn't matter in the context of our relationship where our families come from.
Admittedly, with my plans to work for the Government and his plans to become a Surgeon, that wage gap will still be there.

Money and financial security is definitely something often fought over in relationships. While I'm sure this was unintentional, and that your SO meant nothing by it, you should consider having a conversation about the topic in the future. What are his thought on money? Does he need to live a certain lifestyle to be happy? All important things!

[whatruckus]

It's what you and your SO make of it.

My ex used to make a big deal about it and make me feel bad all the time that my dad makes pretty good money, and we live in a really nice town/wealthy area in NJ. He used to say things like, "Sorry my dad doesn't have money." or "Sorry I don't come from money." It used to really hurt my feelings all the time, since I never mentioned anything about it, plus growing up, I never realized that we had money (my parents never raised us like that). I also used to pay for everything when we were together and he used to ask me for money all the time for gas and cigarettes. Glad that relationship is over.

But, my SO now never mentions it. The only thing he doesn't like is when I pay for things. He's old fashioned and feels it's his job to pay, so he feels bad when I pay. Other than that, we never talk about it, we don't even tease each other about it. It's just something we completely overlook. Even if we're still together by the time I graduate from school, I might still be making more money than him, unless he transfers to be a city cop or state policeman.

[lilspitfire]

How does he unintentionally remind you, like what are the situations where it comes up? Have you and your SO discussed money at all, or is this more about impressions you're getting, etc?

It hasn't come up for awhile lately except one night he was going through his family's stamp collection and talking about all the places they traveled and then tonight which made me post this. We were talking about going to the zoo when I visited and he said that he thinks he has lifetime passes. He is sure his dad or Uncle has them so he has to ask. And I said lifetime passes? And he said yeah his grandpa designed some of the exhibits for the zoo (among lots of other stuff). Looking at the yearly passes, they're pretty expensive. Lifetime passes? I can't imagine.

No, there isn't really any talks of money. Just when he brings up things like this...I feel so distant from him. He said he can imagine why I felt like this because we're from totally different backgrounds. He's an only child too so it is like even harder for me with a brother and sister.

I'm trying to not let it bother me because I care for him and don't want this to be an issue. I just feel....not sure how to explain.

[whatruckus]

It hasn't come up for awhile lately except one night he was going through his family's stamp collection and talking about all the places they traveled and then tonight which made me post this. We were talking about going to the zoo when I visited and he said that he thinks he has lifetime passes. He is sure his dad or Uncle has them so he has to ask. And I said lifetime passes? And he said yeah his grandpa designed some of the exhibits for the zoo (among lots of other stuff). Looking at the yearly passes, they're pretty expensive. Lifetime passes? I can't imagine.

No, there isn't really any talks of money. Just when he brings up things like this...I feel so distant from him. He said he can imagine why I felt like this because we're from totally different backgrounds. He's an only child too so it is like even harder for me with a brother and sister.

I'm trying to not let it bother me because I care for him and don't want this to be an issue. I just feel....not sure how to explain.

Yea, I don't think you need to worry though. From the way it seems, he's not trying to brag about it in your face. He's trying to share these things (the stamps and whatnot about the places he's been) with you because you are his girlfriend. About the lifetime passes, he meant nothing by it. He was just thinking out loud. He's definitely not rubbing it in your face at all. Also, if someone in his family designed some exhibits for the zoo, they more than likely gave them to his family as a thank you for the work they've done, not necessarily that they bought them.

Maybe you could discuss it with him? I really don't think you need to, but if it'll make you feel better about the situation, and make him aware, that sometimes you feel a little uncomfortable when he mentions these things. But, he could also take that as a sign that you are not okay with the difference in finances. And not to be mean, it does seem that way. Try not to let it bother you so much. To him, when he mentions these things, it's not him coming across as "showing off" or something like that.

That's like when I was in high school, my first car was a Lexus RX300 and when I would mention it to friends (in passing, talking about our cars), I was never meaning to come across as bragging. To me, it was all I'd known. I didn't grow up in a household where I knew we had money. I didn't even realize it until I got into high school and my friends were always like, "You drive a Lexus?!?!!" To me, it was just a car. I actually thought we didn't have money compared to the other girls I went to school with because they liked to flash it around more. I was always the last person in school to have the cool stuff. He probably grew up the same way. He seems like a good man.

[TwoThree]

And I said lifetime passes? And he said yeah his grandpa designed some of the exhibits for the zoo (among lots of other stuff). Looking at the yearly passes, they're pretty expensive. Lifetime passes? I can't imagine.

But doesn't the fact that his grandad designed some exhibits mean that they go the passes for free?

[lilspitfire]

But doesn't the fact that his grandad designed some exhibits mean that they go the passes for free?

Well, yes, but the fact that he got to experience that when I would never be able to. It's not something that happens every day.

[whatruckus]

Well, yes, but the fact that he got to experience that when I would never be able to. It's not something that happens every day.

This is the type of thinking that you need to stop. If you keep thinking like this, you're just going to keep resenting your SO, more than you already are, which will eventually lead to more arguments, and eventually the end of the relationship.

[conejita_hada]

I agree with the above posters, economic diversity in a relationship might be difficult at times but if you focus on it, it'll bring more harm than good. The lifetime passes just provide you with an opportunity to enjoy. Not all opportunities appear equal but it also is not every day that a person meets another they feel so in connection with that they pursue a romantic, long distance relationship.

[TwoThree]

Well, yes, but the fact that he got to experience that when I would never be able to. It's not something that happens every day.

... you ARE going to experience going to the zoo with him, since that's what he's going to use the passes for. Look, it's like you're resenting him for things that are way beyond his control. It's like you're looking for reasons as to why he should feel ashamed for having things you never had, and are trying to sabotage your relationship That kind of thinking is completely useless and destructive (as other people said)

If my SO was way richer than me, I think I'd just enjoy the ride

[Ahava]

If my SO was way richer than me, I think I'd just enjoy the ride

Me too

I don't understand what the problem is. I think whatruckus gave a very good reply.
You are making it into a problem, something it need not be. Just be happy you get to go to the zoo for free.
And think if he marries you, you also have a lifetime pass to the zoo