Am I being too unreasonable?

[differentcountries]

It seems to me you lack a game plan for when things are not going good. I think the "this is not what I signed up for "-thought pops up in many people 's heads but you don't sign up for a relationship, you take part in it and so you are half to blame for whatever is not working. Our game plan is: not allowed to hang up on phone /skype (I did this once and he reacted like I turtured his pet, poor thing). If we start to argue on text we must call. Not allowed to call the other melodramatic or insensitive. If we don't understand it, forget it. If we are tired, leave it for the next day. Always have a date for the next visit.

[Kapwned]

I'm confused: It says you closed closed the distance in May. Do you live in the same city but in different apartments?

I don't consider us fully long distance. Realistically we don't live that far from each other as we're both near the border, but you can't easily pass through the border all you want, so we limit our visits. We met online, and May was our first time meeting in person. He lives in Chatham and I live in the metro Detroit area. Commute considering transitioning through the border usually takes me 2 hours.

[digitalfever]

I'm confused: It says you closed closed the distance in May. Do you live in the same city but in different apartments?

[Kapwned]

Not sure if I missed something here, but why specifically do you think he wants to break up with you now?

Last Saturday night we were talking okay, but then he said something along the lines of "Not to be one of those guys but you've put me in a really difficult position. Our relationship is sort of in limbo right now and I don't know what I want to do." I told him I understood and apologized and that was when I knew I should give him some space. But still, we continued talking every day.

I went to an AS forum and asked for suggestions from there as well. There were a few guys there who said that when facing an argument they usually need take a step back, and get some space and time to think things through. While here people who suggesting that I focus more on his wants and needs as a means of approaching a resolution. One person from the AS forums said that I most likely said or did something while trivial to me, wasn't to him, and left him questioning the integrity of our relationship.

So on Tuesday I asked him what it was that he wanted or needed for things to return to the way they were. He told me he needed time to think things through. But then added "Honestly it seems like all we do is argue and watch movies and that's not what I signed up for."

That is simply not true. We don't argue that much. Heck, I don't even consider what occurs as arguing. There's never really been much back and forth bickering and there wasn't any hostility on my end for sure. I get emotional and sensitive but I am rarely upset with him or angry, but that's just how he interprets it, he tends to interpret things in extremes and it's so frustrating. It's easy for me to say he's being melodramatic (and a bit hypocritical seeing as he feels I was being melodramatic), but I also have to keep in mind how his mind may work.

I'm trying to not place all blame on him being an Aspie but I am keeping in mind that how his mind works may play in how he's thinking, feeling, and approaching the situation.

These are things that have left me feeling like I'm on thin ice. I wouldn't be surprised if he broke up with me in the end, but I hope he doesn't. I can only trust and hope that given how straight forward, blunt, and honest many Aspies tend to be, he'd have just done it already if he really wanted to. There's been a few instances that restored some of my hope, such as sending me a link to a cute comic of a LDR couple talking over Skype which was quite reminiscent of our times on Skype. He's initiated quite a few of our chats over the past few days. But still, there are things unresolved and I can't just assume anything.

[Miasmata]

Not sure if I missed something here, but why specifically do you think he wants to break up with you now?

[Kapwned]

I've been doing as suggested... giving him his space. I just hope we don't fall into this loop of not talking about it. Other than that, he's been talking to me every day. He's even initiated some of the talking and called me sweetheart last night. Though it wasn't quite affectionate, just casual chat.

I don't know if I should keep on waiting or if at some point I should just bring it up again. I'm hoping that if he hasn't broken up with me yet that it means he's not necessarily made up his mind and wants to break up with me. He's so hard to read and I don't want to try to read him, I should be asking, but at the same time I don't want to push him.

I've been trying to keep busy, but I always find my mind wandering to it. Everyone who's replied here has been a big help and support. I wish I had come here sooner in my relationship. Hopefully my stay here is not short lived.

[Miasmata]

You are going about this very well, Kapwned, and as someone with AS myself I find it very admirable that you are doing your best to educate yourself. I know we aren't always the easiest people to get along with, but as long as it's worth it to you, it counts If I can ever chime in (Both me and my partner have AS), feel free to shoot me a message.

[Kapwned]

I have some experience with people with AS, my nephew whom has lived with me his entire life has it. But I did research on partners with AS, conflict resolution with AS, break ups with AS, etc. Anything I could possibly think of. I've even posted about this on the AS forum that I frequent when wanting to find help or info on my nephew (and sometimes my boyfriend). The resources have made it feel like a delicate process.

They say to not get emotional which is standard.
But use emotion when trying to reason with him as emotions are harder to argue with and people with AS are more prone to arguing. And this I find difficult as I don't know how to use emotions as a means of stating my case since I only know my emotions and I don't want all of the focus to be on me and my needs.
And do not use logic as this is much easier to argue with and people with AS will almost always find something or some loophole to focus in one to debate or argue what's been said.

I also learned some things which make a lot of sense. They tend to see things in black and white and rarely grey. So if something isn't good it's horrible, or if it's good it's great. And this explains his very extreme emotions with me. He has always treated me like he was confident we were in a relationship that would lead to a future and marriage. But then after Friday night, which to my NT perspective was just a bump, was potentially relationship killing. He does indeed tend to view things in black and white. I also learned for some guys with AS, romantic relationships can be almost 'bipolar' in a sense. You could be the love of their life one minute, but the second you do something wrong they can flip that switch and go to an extreme and feel a break up is necessary and walk away without a care. I don't think this necessarily reflects him per se. I always paid mind to that... since he has AS and was absolutely sure he wanted to break up with me I'm sure he'd have done it by now. People with AS may not have the grasp on why break ups are so difficult to do since NT people have much more empathy and emotional grasp on issues.

I've also read they may often have no problem avoiding their SO or ex after a conflict has occurred. Won't answer calls, texts, IMs, emails, etc. Just completely shut them out and he obviously hasn't done that.

Either way I went to the AS forum I frequent for my nephew and sometimes him. Needless to say some of them did not provide very sensitive feedback since they lean more toward the flight option as opposed to fight. A lot of the feedback I've gotten on my post on the forum have been like 'Why are you even bothering?'

But since that is not always the case with people with AS, and I'm sure many of them appreciate NT partners wanting to learn, some were insightful on how he was probably feeling.

I often need time to "process it all" or "sort it out," as I like to say. I wish someone would have considered that in past situations where there was some sort of difficulty involving me. If his brain works like mine, then he'll need time to "sort it out."

You have to take him at his word there...and just remain in a holding pattern. As others have posted, let him process this on his own time. If you force the matter, you'll likely kill the relationship. Something that has happened to me more times than I really want to admit when it comes to relationships with NT women.

It almost sounds though like you may have stated what I call a "dealbreaker". Something that profoundly left him questioning the foundation of the relationship. Something not of a trivial nature at least to him. Sure you want to know...but pushing the matter right now could be a disaster for you. Be patient.

This makes sense since I also read that people with AS won't make decisions unless they have weighed all pros and cons carefully and once their mind is made up it's made up and that is why being dumped by someone with AS can feel like it's come out of no where and their emotions just switch off like a light. They weigh the pros and cons, and if at any point the cons outweigh the pros they see no point in continuing, and with that in mind they let go of their attachment and affection as it is seen as a waste of time and initiate the break up and walk away.

So I think for now I should simply do what I can to show him I am making effort by informing him of the process, show him we can actually go without arguments by talking to him and not arguing, maybe even try to be a bit more pleasant and supportive, amd somehow prove to him that getting back on all of my medication will balance out my issues. But of course I still want to respect his space and not press the overall issue.

[differentcountries]

I have to remember that he has AS

Have you gotten any help with understanding this condition and his version of it? My brother was diagnosed with AS a couple of years ago and as a family we still try to adjust to that (and he tries to. My husband convinced him to take a self-help class for AS people and I think it helped).

My impression with AS is that they tend to be "factual" and focused on small details, as well as suffer from a slight version of alexitymi - being bad at recognizing one's own feelings. My brother will often claim he has no feelings about a subject, which of course is not the case, as well as he often think other people's emotions are a bit weird and exessive, especially if they are ambivalent (like most people are about many things). Since AS people live their lives through facts they also learn about emotions and communication through facts, they will "study" other people and look for patterns and sometimes they can learn from one another. Some get pretty good that way, in my country one of our most famous poets have AS, she is known for being strange but brilliant. There should be lots of online reseurces on AS these days, and maybe something local too, through an NGO or hospital (at least in my country it is mandatory that people who get a diagnosis also get acess to free training in how to cope with the diagnosis.).

[Polly]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. The fact that you're trying to see things from his side, and that you're trying to make the long distance work for both of you are all positives.

When I have felt that I need more regular communication from my boyfriend, I usually tell him it's because I love him and enjoy our time together, whether it's us video chatting or playing games together online. If there is a day or few where one of us is too busy, then we send a few messages to communicate.

There have been times where my boyfriend was frustrated with me, because I was overly emotional and depressed, but then he said that he has to keep in mind that long distance is hard, so he can't expect me to be always dealing with it well all the time.

I think if he really wants to be with you, he will do what he can.

[Kapwned]

What do you mean when he said that he needs "more time to think things through"? That he needs to figure how you can make things right, or to figure out what's going on with him?

I'm not entirely sure, maybe both.

[whatruckus]

What do you mean when he said that he needs "more time to think things through"? That he needs to figure how you can make things right, or to figure out what's going on with him?

[Kapwned]

I got to talk to him today. It went better than last time, I asked him what it is that he needs or wants and what I can do or not do to make things right again. I encouraged that he not hold back and be completely honest with me. That's the only way I can learn about how he feels and thinks. Otherwise it's a guessing game on my end.

He told he needed more time to think things through. But at the very least he seems to have been more talkative since the talk. I sense less tension between us. He even told me good bye when he was leaving to go to sleep which he hadn't been doing.

My only concern at this point is respecting his space while still trying to resolve our issues. He told me at this point it seems like all we do is argue and we don't do much together anymore. I have to remember that he has AS and his way of interpreting things can be in black and white and even the slightest disagreement can be perceived as a fight to him while it's just a minor disagreement to me. I have some conditions which have made me a little emotional and moody at times and I have promised to correct that by getting back on my medication (I was only off of it because of the cost to switch doctors with no insurance). I feel once that is done I will see a big difference in myself. And I wonder if perhaps the tension I caused with my moodiness affected his desire to do stuff with me online.

That or he's long made up his mind about me and he's searching for excuses to negate my efforts to fix our issues, but I do not want to assume and analyze him. I trust if he felt a need to do something such as end a relationship he'd just do it.

My method at this point is simply to ask him questions about what he'd like to do, or what he needs, or how he feels. It seemed to work.

[differentcountries]

I don't know and I'd like to find out

That is a good starting point.

[Kapwned]

This was my original goal from the beginning - I felt it was his way of getting something he wanted, I was worried he was wanting space and was feeling the need to force it because I was wanting to maintain some of our old normalcy with calls. He never said anything about it, just claimed I was accusing him of avoiding me.

Usually my way of communicating is to be upfront and honest and inquire. But I guess I didn't do it right and I understand now it may be better to inquire on what he wants or needs. I started to feel that was perhaps what I should do I just didn't know how to put it into words.

So I planned on giving him some space to let him cool off and then later today if I could get his attention, ask if what it is that I could do (or not do) to make him happy. What does he want, need, etc. I just want to work with him. But I still feel my needs should be respected (which doesn't guarantee met). I'd like to try for a compromise but if he absolutely doesn't want to of course I can't and wouldn't try to force it.

He initiated this form of contact, he's initiated many of our calls, he uses Teamspeak daily, so I don't think he necessarily has complete aversion to doing voice chats, but maybe he felt we were doing too much or doing it at the wrong times, or maybe it was nothing and I over analyzed the whole thing. I don't know and I'd like to find out so that I can do what it takes to make him happy again.