Am I being too unreasonable?

[differentcountries]

I see where you are coming from, but I also see that you have not known this man very long. A way of getting to know him better might be to try out a different mode of communcation https://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Non...-Communication

You are talking about needs, but what you mean is strategy. Chat is your stragegy to fill the need of closeness. Silence/"space" is his strategy of filling his need for autonomy. Neither of you is going to get your needs met through the strategy of "meeting half way", as you will still feel too little closeness and he will still feel too little autonomy. This is because compromise is not cutting to the core which is the human NEEDS you both have. Once you TRUELY get that the other person has a human need you also have, it promotes empathy which may make the conflict less heated. Also, you don't need to find the solutions/strategies right away, it is far more imporant that you understand each other. Sometimes the practical solution even presents itself once all the emotional heat is off the needs.

My wild guess is, you don't know each other that well. How will you go about to make that happen? Talking about needs is one way of doing this, too. Because it feels very good to know that the other person really know and respect what you need (there is no obligation to fill the need, just to see the need). Everything we ever feel and do can be stripped down to needs, basic universal needs that all humans have. But to see those for what they are may take some skill, because we are so very used to focus on our strategies. Strategies are so useful, but in communication the stragegy is just a dress-up for the need.

My SO knew himself very badly when I met him, and he never expected people, especially not a girlfriend, to understand his needs. He would too sometimes be manipulative to get his way because that was the only way he knew to get out of a heated situation, like tell half-lies or just be absent (he is like that with his friends, too. I am trying to teach him how to stop lying to people and instead find nice ways to tell the truth). I find that the more I know myself, not only my favourite strategies but also the emotions and the needs behind them in me, the easier it is to do this for other people, too, including SO. I think every time I guess a need of his, there is like a stone falling of his back. I belive too this is the reason we almost never fight about things - not because we are similar or people without needs, but because we talk about needs more and more, and let our favourite strategies go if they are not so useful to fill the need. The needs are all you really need to talk about: https://www.nonviolentcommunication....ings_needs.htm

[Hollandia]

It's not just about "equal respect", it's about each other boundaries and deal breakers. It is possible that one of you will have to sacrifice to make the other happy. He might have to keep you happy, or you might have to do without to keep him happy. You can't just demand that he meet you in the middle, if that is his deal breaker. You need to figure out how much he really wants and see if this is acceptable to you or not, if not, you need to decide if it is your deal breaker.

[digitalfever]

Because people on both ends of the relationship have wants and needs and should be equally respected in my opinion. But that doesn't mean I'm unwilling or not giving him space. It's like it's one or the other in a lot of peoples minds... I'm all about compromise. If he thinks we're talking too much on Skype then fine, we can tone it down. But it's also disrespecting my wants and needs as a person by completely cutting out all verbal communication.

You aren't getting what you want right now and your needs are not being respected. If he's asking for space and your not giving it to him then it would seem that he's just taking it whatever way he can get it.

[Kapwned]

I don't know to me in this day and age there is no excuse especially if your living in North America to not be able to connect with your SO. It sounds like he doesn't want to talk and that he's trying to get space from you. I don't think he sounds frustrated with technology or anything because people that WANT to talk or engage in voice chat with you will take the extra time to make that happen.

Why not give him the space?

Because people on both ends of the relationship have wants and needs and should be equally respected in my opinion. But that doesn't mean I'm unwilling or not giving him space. It's like it's one or the other in a lot of peoples minds... I'm all about compromise. If he thinks we're talking too much on Skype then fine, we can tone it down. But it's also disrespecting my wants and needs as a person by completely cutting out all verbal communication.

[digitalfever]

I don't know to me in this day and age there is no excuse especially if your living in North America to not be able to connect with your SO. It sounds like he doesn't want to talk and that he's trying to get space from you. I don't think he sounds frustrated with technology or anything because people that WANT to talk or engage in voice chat with you will take the extra time to make that happen.

Why not give him the space?

[Kapwned]

I was thinking of messaging him tonight. I've been thinking long and hard about what I want to say. I don't want it to sound selfish like I want to get my way. I want to cater to his needs as well.

So I know I was acting ridiculous, I guess I was just worried and worked up over the Skype situation since our time on Skype calls means a lot to me and I went overboard. And I want to know what I can do for you to make things right again or make it up to you. I want to do or find something that can work for the both of us.

or

So looking back at the things I said and how I acted, I really am rather ashamed of myself, humiliated, and I can't apologize enough.

Followed up by

I love you and I want to make it up to you. I really do just want to make things right again and I am willing to work with you and do what it takes to make you happy again. I've already made an appointment with my doctor as promised and I intend on keeping all of the promises I make to you.

My approach is to put less focus on me and more on him, his wants and needs, in order to make it less I've looked up how to address conflicts with SOs with AS, I've asked the opinion of a guy friend who has a fairly similar temperament as my boyfriend, my best friend, a friend who is going through a similar situation, and of course I came here. I wanted to think hard about what I wanted to say. I rambled a lot those two days and probably pushed him away some. It was mostly me defending myself, explaining myself, and I figured this way I'd cater more to him in hopes of making the situation more approachable.

I don't want to drone on, I want to hit a few birds with one stone but I don't want to want to leave the message or question feeling heavy or loaded.

[Kapwned]

You can do voice chats on Google Hangout too.

The only thing that concerns me is your use of the word "allow". Allow is what you let your child do, not your partner. This should be an adult conversation about you both want and work a way to find a solution that makes both of you happy. A bit of give and take, but if he really does not want to be doing voice chats then at some point you might need to accept that. You have every right to tell him it hurts that he would feel this way but if you push him into doing something he does not enjoy he could end up resenting you for it and then starting to act cold or snap at you, what people do when they are no longer happy with someone.

Yes, it would never be my intention or desire to force him into doing something he doesn't like and if he absolutely didn't want to talk on voice chats then I'd respect that. Though I do admit I'd be hurt and confused. He seemed to be fine with it, never seemed bothered by it, and he's in Teamspeak with his gaming friends daily, so you may see where I could be unaware.

Yeah you can! You can do a voice call or simply cut your camera off

And I completely understand you wanting to maintain what you had. I had the same issue for a little while and it took a lot of back and forth talking and a bit of arguing for things to get better. But things did get better. I hope things work out for you!

Thank you, me too. I really hope I haven't screwed up my relationship over something so silly. We were fine this time last week. Then the Skype thing happened and I guess I quickly turned obnoxious about it. I was just being overly sensitive and took it too personal when he didn't show much interest in getting back to those means of contact.

[Hollandia]

You can do voice chats on Google Hangout too.

The only thing that concerns me is your use of the word "allow". Allow is what you let your child do, not your partner. This should be an adult conversation about you both want and work a way to find a solution that makes both of you happy. A bit of give and take, but if he really does not want to be doing voice chats then at some point you might need to accept that. You have every right to tell him it hurts that he would feel this way but if you push him into doing something he does not enjoy he could end up resenting you for it and then starting to act cold or snap at you, what people do when they are no longer happy with someone.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

He did say something like that in our one call on Outlook. He said he felt like what he was doing wasn't enough and he said it seems like I feel I have to have it may way or I'm not happy and that I can't expect a fix to happen quickly. I understand I probably was being a bit obnoxious, I probably sent him nearly ten different fixes. But it wasn't really that I wanted to have my way. That makes me sound like a spoiled brat. I just wanted to maintain what we had going on.

Can you see simple voice chats on oovoo? I don't always necessarily want to be on my camera. Like I said, we usually just talked while doing other things.

Yeah you can! You can do a voice call or simply cut your camera off

And I completely understand you wanting to maintain what you had. I had the same issue for a little while and it took a lot of back and forth talking and a bit of arguing for things to get better. But things did get better. I hope things work out for you!

[Kapwned]

It is not a compromise when you are just debating how to get things back to what they were, only via another route. That is just a strategy for returning back and has nothing to do with giving him space.

But let me tell you, every time I offered to, not give my boyfriend more space but for us to do things differently/more seldom, it has ended up bringing us closer. Because his world consists of people telling him what to do, with me he would rather want me to GET what he wants (or rather needs) without him having to actally say it. Because that feeling of being understood is wonderful.

Well a compromise would be along side finding another option for doing our calls. If he's beating around getting back into a messenger with voice chats because he'd like to have some space he should speak up or express it somehow instead of forcing it.

He wants space, I want to be able to talk to him via voice chats. Compromise would be allowing me to have voice chats again while also giving him more space. Maybe we don't do voice chats every day. Maybe they aren't as long as they used to be. Maybe they're only at night. Maybe they're only on the weekend. Something. But for him to force space while denying me my perfectly reasonable request is just as disrespectful as me demanding more voice chats while he wants space.

Right now I am indeed trying to respect his needs without verbalizing it too much because I don't want to come off as nagging at this point - I already did a lot of talking over the weekend. But right now it really is also a guessing game.

[Kapwned]

So I just want to give another perspective:

It could be really bugging him that Skype isn't working but he doesn't know what to do about it. He may feel he is doing his best with Facebook messaging and he may think you are not grateful for it. I only say this because a friend of mine was having the same issue with Skype and her boyfriend got mad when she suggested trying other things and after they sat down and talked about it one night she found out he felt that she wasn't grateful that he was trying his best to fix issues. May not be that same with your SO but I thought I would put that out there.

My boyfriend and I use oovoo and we hardly ever have any problems, so maybe you could casually bring it up like "Have you ever used oovoo? I heard it works pretty well." Or something. Like Hollandia said, there are a ton of alternatives. You aren't being unreasonable though.

He did say something like that in our one call on Outlook. He said he felt like what he was doing wasn't enough and he said it seems like I feel I have to have it may way or I'm not happy and that I can't expect a fix to happen quickly. I understand I probably was being a bit obnoxious, I probably sent him nearly ten different fixes. But it wasn't really that I wanted to have my way. That makes me sound like a spoiled brat. I just wanted to maintain what we had going on.

Can you see simple voice chats on oovoo? I don't always necessarily want to be on my camera. Like I said, we usually just talked while doing other things.

[differentcountries]

a compromise for people who are on different ends of that spectrum is obviously the most respectful route.

It is not a compromise when you are just debating how to get things back to what they were, only via another route. That is just a strategy for returning back and has nothing to do with giving him space.

But let me tell you, every time I offered to, not give my boyfriend more space but for us to do things differently/more seldom, it has ended up bringing us closer. Because his world consists of people telling him what to do, with me he would rather want me to GET what he wants (or rather needs) without him having to actally say it. Because that feeling of being understood is wonderful.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

So I just want to give another perspective:

It could be really bugging him that Skype isn't working but he doesn't know what to do about it. He may feel he is doing his best with Facebook messaging and he may think you are not grateful for it. I only say this because a friend of mine was having the same issue with Skype and her boyfriend got mad when she suggested trying other things and after they sat down and talked about it one night she found out he felt that she wasn't grateful that he was trying his best to fix issues. May not be that same with your SO but I thought I would put that out there.

My boyfriend and I use oovoo and we hardly ever have any problems, so maybe you could casually bring it up like "Have you ever used oovoo? I heard it works pretty well." Or something. Like Hollandia said, there are a ton of alternatives. You aren't being unreasonable though.

[Unconditional]

It's not clingy or unreasonable to find a different means of communication.
Yes, in a few days I would find a way to bring it up again, in a non accusatory way.

[Kapwned]

Well I guess I should put it out there that it's not that I don't believe that Skype isn't working for him. It's notorious for bugging out as of late. I don't think he's lying about that. But I do think that he is sort of taking advantage of this opportunity to get some space. Then I, completely unaware, started trying to find ways to fix Skype or find alternatives to at least give us back the option to do online calls, and it probably started to bug him and put him at a state where when I asked him if he was looking for space, he too was feeling a bit hypersensitive and assumed I was accusing him of avoiding me. So I had posted on another forum asking for advice and people were like "You are being way too clingy." "Get a life!" It's not that I'm sitting here all day waiting around for him. I have work, classes are starting up soon, I'm moving, and I have other things to keep me occupied. But I do like to dedicate some time in the evenings to talk to him and I really do not think that is asking a lot. I just want a compromise, to which some people on the other forums even said "He doesn't need to compromise, space should be a given!" which I whole heartedly disagree. It's fine to like time together and it's fine to like time apart. Liking time together doesn't make one clingy, and liking time apart doesn't mean they don't enjoy your company. So a compromise for people who are on different ends of that spectrum is obviously the most respectful route.

It's not like I'm one of those girls who is like "Soooooo... whatcha thinkin' about?" I basically just hang out with him while we do our own things.

So I'm stuck at this point where I want to discuss it but thanks to the past few days I am hesitant because I feel like anything I say will be interpreted as attacking him or accusing him of something. I guess I'll give it a few days, think of how I want to word it, and bring it up again.

"So how do you feel about making a compromise and finding a more regular alternative to Skype? I know I sort of jumped the gun last time, but I really do enjoy my time with you in our calls and I'd like to get back to being able to do evening calls with you."

Something along the lines of that.