Am I being too unreasonable?

[Miasmata]

Not sure if I missed something here, but why specifically do you think he wants to break up with you now?

[Kapwned]

Not sure if I missed something here, but why specifically do you think he wants to break up with you now?

Last Saturday night we were talking okay, but then he said something along the lines of "Not to be one of those guys but you've put me in a really difficult position. Our relationship is sort of in limbo right now and I don't know what I want to do." I told him I understood and apologized and that was when I knew I should give him some space. But still, we continued talking every day.

I went to an AS forum and asked for suggestions from there as well. There were a few guys there who said that when facing an argument they usually need take a step back, and get some space and time to think things through. While here people who suggesting that I focus more on his wants and needs as a means of approaching a resolution. One person from the AS forums said that I most likely said or did something while trivial to me, wasn't to him, and left him questioning the integrity of our relationship.

So on Tuesday I asked him what it was that he wanted or needed for things to return to the way they were. He told me he needed time to think things through. But then added "Honestly it seems like all we do is argue and watch movies and that's not what I signed up for."

That is simply not true. We don't argue that much. Heck, I don't even consider what occurs as arguing. There's never really been much back and forth bickering and there wasn't any hostility on my end for sure. I get emotional and sensitive but I am rarely upset with him or angry, but that's just how he interprets it, he tends to interpret things in extremes and it's so frustrating. It's easy for me to say he's being melodramatic (and a bit hypocritical seeing as he feels I was being melodramatic), but I also have to keep in mind how his mind may work.

I'm trying to not place all blame on him being an Aspie but I am keeping in mind that how his mind works may play in how he's thinking, feeling, and approaching the situation.

These are things that have left me feeling like I'm on thin ice. I wouldn't be surprised if he broke up with me in the end, but I hope he doesn't. I can only trust and hope that given how straight forward, blunt, and honest many Aspies tend to be, he'd have just done it already if he really wanted to. There's been a few instances that restored some of my hope, such as sending me a link to a cute comic of a LDR couple talking over Skype which was quite reminiscent of our times on Skype. He's initiated quite a few of our chats over the past few days. But still, there are things unresolved and I can't just assume anything.

[digitalfever]

I'm confused: It says you closed closed the distance in May. Do you live in the same city but in different apartments?

[Kapwned]

I'm confused: It says you closed closed the distance in May. Do you live in the same city but in different apartments?

I don't consider us fully long distance. Realistically we don't live that far from each other as we're both near the border, but you can't easily pass through the border all you want, so we limit our visits. We met online, and May was our first time meeting in person. He lives in Chatham and I live in the metro Detroit area. Commute considering transitioning through the border usually takes me 2 hours.

[differentcountries]

It seems to me you lack a game plan for when things are not going good. I think the "this is not what I signed up for "-thought pops up in many people 's heads but you don't sign up for a relationship, you take part in it and so you are half to blame for whatever is not working. Our game plan is: not allowed to hang up on phone /skype (I did this once and he reacted like I turtured his pet, poor thing). If we start to argue on text we must call. Not allowed to call the other melodramatic or insensitive. If we don't understand it, forget it. If we are tired, leave it for the next day. Always have a date for the next visit.

[Kapwned]

It seems to me you lack a game plan for when things are not going good. I think the "this is not what I signed up for "-thought pops up in many people 's heads but you don't sign up for a relationship, you take part in it and so you are half to blame for whatever is not working. Our game plan is: not allowed to hang up on phone /skype (I did this once and he reacted like I turtured his pet, poor thing). If we start to argue on text we must call. Not allowed to call the other melodramatic or insensitive. If we don't understand it, forget it. If we are tired, leave it for the next day. Always have a date for the next visit.

Yeah we could definitely use one of those.

[digitalfever]

I don't consider us fully long distance. Realistically we don't live that far from each other as we're both near the border, but you can't easily pass through the border all you want, so we limit our visits. We met online, and May was our first time meeting in person. He lives in Chatham and I live in the metro Detroit area. Commute considering transitioning through the border usually takes me 2 hours.

Yeah, I'm from Toronto so I know that commute well. I was just a it confused if all this was happening while you were living together.

[Kapwned]

Well I thought things were doing well. He even got back onto Skype and messaged me. We spent the entire evening talking quite a bit and then he dropped this:

Him: I have bad news for you btw ~ It might upset you even
Me: ???
Him: I'll have to cancel on youmacon'
(a convention we were planning on going to)
Me: Why?
Him: Moving out on my own ~ I'll need all the money I can scrounge up and at the current moment we're off in Limbo and I don't know what the future holds

After a week he still feels this way.

We started talking and he said he was hoping our relationship would be more casual than it ended up being and apologized for misleading me in the beginning because he did fall hard. But I sometimes come off as needy and he feels like he sometimes cannot fulfill it. I told him if we needed to take a step back then and tone it down I was fine with that. He then proceeded to kind of jump around the topic. I then said to just please tell me what he needs, what is too much, what is too little. He said too much is interfering with his work, too little is ignoring him. I then went to explain that I can do that, it was never my intention to interfere with his work, but I need him to be more verbal about it. At some point during that he went offline and it's left me feeling really hurt. I want to believe maybe it was a freak accident like his internet went out but a part of me has a feeling it didn't.

I wasn't getting emotional, or angry, or rambling...

[Hollandia]

Well I thought things were doing well. He even got back onto Skype and messaged me. We spent the entire evening talking quite a bit and then he dropped this:

Him: I have bad news for you btw ~ It might upset you even
Me: ???
Him: I'll have to cancel on youmacon'
(a convention we were planning on going to)
Me: Why?
Him: Moving out on my own ~ I'll need all the money I can scrounge up and at the current moment we're off in Limbo and I don't know what the future holds

After a week he still feels this way.

We started talking and he said he was hoping our relationship would be more casual than it ended up being and apologized for misleading me in the beginning because he did fall hard. But I sometimes come off as needy and he feels like he sometimes cannot fulfill it. I told him if we needed to take a step back then and tone it down I was fine with that. He then proceeded to kind of jump around the topic. I then said to just please tell me what he needs, what is too much, what is too little. He said too much is interfering with his work, too little is ignoring him. I then went to explain that I can do that, it was never my intention to interfere with his work, but I need him to be more verbal about it. At some point during that he went offline and it's left me feeling really hurt. I want to believe maybe it was a freak accident like his internet went out but a part of me has a feeling it didn't.

I wasn't getting emotional, or angry, or rambling...

This is what is called a passive aggressive break-up.

If he wants casual and you want a partner, you need to say goodbye. He wants to be able to see more people, that is what less serious and more casual means. Unless you are a hundred percent okay with that, it will destroy you. You need to find someone that can meet all your needs and he is not that person. He wants to break up but does not have the balls to come out and say it. Don't lower yourself to bartering and pleading with him, it is done. Sorry for your pain.

[Kapwned]

This is what is called a passive aggressive break-up.

If he wants casual and you want a partner, you need to say goodbye. He wants to be able to see more people, that is what less serious and more casual means. Unless you are a hundred percent okay with that, it will destroy you. You need to find someone that can meet all your needs and he is not that person. He wants to break up but does not have the balls to come out and say it. Don't lower yourself to bartering and pleading with him, it is done. Sorry for your pain.

He's not like that. He's never been a big dater. He's 28 and he's only been in one decent relationship, other than that there were a few short lived relationships. Ours is the second longest he's been in. From what I see he was just overzealous in the beginning, he fell hard, got all excited, enthusiastic, optimistic, and then when that excitement crashed and he wanted to continue dating at his more realistic terms (less obligation and time) and I had grown accustomed to how he was when we first started dating, I think that's when we clashed and it became hard for him.

He claims he told me this, but all I ever recall him saying was that it was hard for him to concentrate on his work when in a call with me. I tried to give him his space but seeing as I am not there, unless he tells me he's working it's kind of hard to tell when he is.

Like I said, he would call me everyday, talk to me for hours on end, we would play online games together for hours, he sounded eager to spend time with me and so enthusiastic about our relationship, I knew it'd probably tone down, I just wasn't sure how much or what he needed so I just went with the flow and figured it'd balance itself out, but then he crashed and it became confusing at times. One day he was letting me watch him work via screen share on Skype, the next he was telling me it's hard for him to concentrate when I watch him work.

You have to remember my boyfriend has AS, a whole other mindset. People with AS are very loyal and faithful people and relationships may not come easy to them. They don't typically play casual and date around. Even though they are individuals who do need space, when they fall for someone they fall hard and they cannot fall for someone else until they've moved on from the other person. And they can be very honest and straight forward people and it seems like so far he has said what he means. I have given him more than enough opportunities to say what he truly meant.

This morning I decided to ask him to just be honest with me - every time I try to talk to him about it his answers are vague and up in the air, giving me the impression that maybe he's already made up his mind and wants to end it and he just doesn't know how to say it, or perhaps he's afraid to and I'd just like for him to be honest so that I can stop making so much effort and stop wasting my time. He said as much as I'd hate to hear it, he honestly has not made up his mind about me. He is just waiting to see if with time things really do change for the better, or get worse, and then he'll decide if he wants to go back to the way things were or if we should just move on and carry on as friends. He said he doesn't believe in the whole promises of change because he's received that promise in the past and of course it was never delivered. So he'd rather see if it were true than to just naively take someones word.

In some ways this is indeed unfair to me. He's told me about his past relationships and not one was ever in a situation where the girl would have to promise change, so it leads me to believe he is referring to me and thus he is essentially saying he doesn't believe in me. I mean, who's to say I have all of the time in the world to wait around for his judgment which in the end may be 'Eh... yeah, I'm not feeling it'? And there is no way to tell how long that may take. A few weeks? A month? A few months? Why and what do I have to do to prove to him that things can get better? We just needed to set some ground rules and boundaries... it's not that I need to maintain exactly what we had, it's just that I am sensitive to change, I notice changes in people and when I notice I begin to worry that something is wrong. I can deal with less, I just need that to be clearly expressed.

And if this also has something to do with my mental health issues, then he is a hypocrite because I've always had to be respectful of his and I've given him a chance and chosen to be understanding.

[Hollandia]

He's not like that. He's never been a big dater. He's 28 and he's only been in one decent relationship, other than that there were a few short lived relationships. Ours is the second longest he's been in. From what I see he was just overzealous in the beginning, he fell hard, got all excited, enthusiastic, optimistic, and then when that excitement crashed and he wanted to continue dating at his more realistic terms (less obligation and time) and I had grown accustomed to how he was when we first started dating, I think that's when we clashed and it became hard for him.

He claims he told me this, but all I ever recall him saying was that it was hard for him to concentrate on his work when in a call with me. I tried to give him his space but seeing as I am not there, unless he tells me he's working it's kind of hard to tell when he is.

Like I said, he would call me everyday, talk to me for hours on end, we would play online games together for hours, he sounded eager to spend time with me and so enthusiastic about our relationship, I knew it'd probably tone down, I just wasn't sure how much or what he needed so I just went with the flow and figured it'd balance itself out, but then he crashed and it became confusing at times. One day he was letting me watch him work via screen share on Skype, the next he was telling me it's hard for him to concentrate when I watch him work.

You have to remember my boyfriend has AS, a whole other mindset. People with AS are very loyal and faithful people and relationships may not come easy to them. They don't typically play casual and date around. When they fall for someone they fall hard and they cannot fall for someone else until they've moved on from the other person. And they can be very honest and straight forward people and it seems like so far he has said what he means. I have given him more than enough opportunities to say what he truly meant if he weren't being honest in the first place.

This morning I decided to ask him to just be honest with me - every time I try to talk to him about it his answers are vague and up in the air, giving me the impression that maybe he's already made up his mind and wants to end it and he just doesn't know how to say it, or perhaps he's afraid to and I'd just like for him to be honest so that I can stop making so much effort and stop wasting my time. He said as much as I'd hate to hear it, he honestly has not made up his mind about me. He is just waiting to see if with time things really do change for the better, or get worse, and then he'll decide if he wants to go back to the way things were or if we should just move on and carry on as friends. He said he doesn't believe in the whole promises of change because he's received that promise in the past and of course it was never delivered. So he'd rather see if it were true than to just naively take someones word.

In some ways this is indeed unfair to me. I mean, who's to say I have all of the time in the world to wait around for his judgment which in the end may be 'Eh... yeah, I'm not feeling it'? And there is no way to tell how long that may take. A few weeks? A month? A few months?

My daughter is Bi-Polar but when she says something that serious she means it. You are making excuses because you so desperately want to hang on. He has told you he does not want something serious. If you are okay with that, then plan on starting to date other people because you are going to get nothing but pain from this.

He does not want to give the type of contact you want anymore. He does not want to call you anymore. He told you he does not want to be serious. He wants it to be more casual.If you care about him, then stay his friend but don't expect much more than that.

You keep calling him "your boyfriend" but since he told he want it to be more casual, are you even still in a committed relationship to say that? Does he still consider you two are BF and GF and are you exclusive? Don't assume his AS will stop him from meeting other people. Don't assume anything. If you are willing to take the scraps that he is telling you he is willing to give, don't look back on what he did before and think there is some point in the future that will return. It is highly likely that it ran it's course for him and never will. I have to say, it is sad to see you even consider "waiting around for his judgement", because he really already gave it to you, you are in limbo. I would not sit in limbo for anyone, even if he does decide to give it another go, how many times will you be willing to put up with this again? It would be hard for me to respect someone that I treated so badly and then they came back crawling to me, it is not an attractive feature.

He was infatuated with you in the beginning and he no longer is, if you can't grow to true love after that is gone, then the relationship dies. If you try to drag it out because one still is, then it will just cause you both more pain. I would still recommend you say goodbye and end it. He could also come back begging for your love if he decided he truly wanted it. If he does not, then get out now.

We have so many posters that ask for advice but only want to hear one outcome, I am sorry this is the only one I can offer. I know you don't want to hear it, and I know you most likely won't agree, but this one is pretty clear. Break up, if he wants you back later and you are available then you can consider it at that time. To be a bit blunt, the way you are acting now is desperate and you really should stop and respect yourself enough not to let that to continue. You should be stronger and not allow him to just call all the shots because of his AS. My daughter's doctor have always sworn that you cannot excuse poor behavior because of her condition or you are in fact condoning it. You have given him plenty of chances and really you should be looking out for yourself and respecting yourself more.

"I love you but goodbye, if you decide you love me too at some point and I am still available, then we shall see." Then go live your life and don't let it ride on his judgement or decisions or any other thing you might wish to call the fact that he is not into you enough to work through his AS to be with you. It is not a cruel thing to do since he has already told you he is unsure of whether or not he wants to be with you and yet you want to chalk it up to his AS and hope for the best. I am sure he did not mean to hurt you, but you were the flavor of the day and he ate up all that pie and now it just does not taste so good to him. Now the pie is begging him to eat more and he is telling the pie, well, maybe I might want some again later, but for now I don't know....would you not for sorry for that pie? Don't be a piece of day old pie.

[differentcountries]

I agree that he most likely is not like that he wants others. He may be overwealmed by the complexity a romantic relationship demands of him. He would have liked a manual, and it is nowhere to be found. Give him that manual. Tell him the boundries he can operate within, they should probably include a timeframe in which he has to make up his mind or you are out.

[Hollandia]

I agree that he most likely is not like that he wants others. He may be overwealmed by the complexity a romantic relationship demands of him. He would have liked a manual, and it is nowhere to be found. Give him that manual. Tell him the boundries he can operate within, they should probably include a timeframe in which he has to make up his mind or you are out.

I disagree completely. She has offered him a chance for compromise and right now, all he wants is the ability to keep her in limbo till he makes up his mind. This comes right back to excusing away bed behavior and I speak again as a mother of a person that is Bi-polar. He needs to be treated normally but with understanding, she gave him that understanding and now he still just wants to keep her in limbo at his whims. Part of helping him is holding him accountable to become a responsible adult and not just make allowances till the day it is too late, or he could end up a very lonely 80 year old someday.

[Kapwned]

I never said I was going to wait around. I mean granted, I am not in a rush to start dating but I am not going to continue to go out of my way for him. I care about him, I want to continue to talk to him and be there for him. If things rekindle then okay, if not then fine. I've just been wanting him to be open with me about his feelings so we could try to sort it out and up until this day he's been rather vague. I do think it is unfair of him to call all the shots. From the beginning I've been saying the ball is completely in his court and it isn't fair for me. I guess my biggest frustration has been his lack of communication on the issue and questions unanswered. But through my talk with him last night and this morning, it's all clear now. Even if he hasn't fully given up on the prospects of us he is still dangling our relationship in front of me, treating me like it's something I've got to earn back. It's not fair for me and it's not all about him. I shouldn't be treated like I've got to prove something to him. It's not like I betrayed his trust or did something absolutely unforgivable. I just got emotional and needy at times.

I don't really feel comfortable calling him my boyfriend at the moment, it's just out of habit and and easy way to refer to him. It seems like to him we haven't officially or fully broken up, but we're definitely not where we were. And that's how I interpreted the limbo.

If you're curious and want to see if your interpretations were correct, here's the conversation. There's nothing insanely private and his identity is safe:

Spoiler:

Him: I have bad news for you btw ~ It might upset you even
Me: ???
Him: I'll have to cancel on youmacon'
Me: Why?
Him: Moving out on my own ~ I'll need all the money I can scrounge up and at the current moment we're off in Limbo and I don't know what the future holds
Me: Well I'm willing to help in costs if you change your mind. I was looking forward to going, but I understand.
Him: Thanks - But I'm a little too proud for help
Him: Figuring out my bills is first on the list... I can't keep living with my brother's toxic energy.
Me: I wish he'd just be the one to go away but you should do what you need.
Him: Yeah no doubt.
Me: Guess I'll have to cancel my hotel reservation then. I don't really have anyone else to go with and I don't want to go alone.
Him: Good news is we're saving money ~
Me: mhm
Me: May I ask what you mean when you say limbo? The word has a few meanings and interpretations.
Him: Like a void - kind of a place with no answers and many questions.
Me: Okay.
Him: If you must know ~ I'm stuck; I feel like I wasn't ready for a relationship in the sense that I've got so much to do and you seem to need more attention than I can rightfully give.
Him: I thought a relationship would be something simple where we could share with each other without having to dedicate so much time with one another.
Him: Its my fault in a sense because early on I did spend a lot of time getting to know you but in the long run I couldn't keep up.
Me: It's okay, I just wish you would have expressed this to me more sooner.
Me: I would never demand that you put off work or other important obligations for me.
Him: You say that - But when I mentioned I had to work later I would hear about it.
Me: I never meant for it to come off that way. If it came off that was that wasn't my intention.
Me: I wanted to respect your work, but I did like some time with you.
Him: You're just needy at times and I can't always keep up with it.
Me: If we needed to tone it down we could have done that. You just need to make sure your needs are clear and concise. All I honestly recall you ever saying about the topic is that it's hard for you to concentrate on work when in a call with me. But I wasn't always sure when you were working.
Me: I just need to know what is too much and too little.
Him: Too much is not letting me get work done. Causing a fuss when I'm not doing anything malicious. Too little is avoidance and general ignorance.
Me: I guess I was just under the impression you had no problem with what we had because we did it so often in the beginning and you never said otherwise.
Me: You still there?
Him: Internet went out, so I went to bed.
Me: But yeah before you disconnected I meant to ask if you wanted to give it another shot. Clean slate, better understanding, clearer communication, etc etc.
Him: It doesn't quite work that way with me. I've heard the whole "I can change." thing several times over and its not something I believe in - Although I'll see how things are with time.
Me: Okay then... can I ask you another question?
Him: Shoot.
Me: I'm getting the impression you have long made up your mind about us but you are finding it hard to say it. It sounds like you are beating around the bush. But have you? If you feel you have already made up your mind and there is no chance at us rekindling what we had just let me know right now. Because I need to know if these efforts are getting me no where.
Him: I'm just trying to see if things will change or improve, or otherwise move on' and carry things out as friends.

I think he still wanted the romance and exclusiveness of a relationship, but he wanted it more on his terms. Like at the end of the day, when all is said and done, have each other to go to. And if we can't manage to make time for each other that day then better luck tomorrow. But instead he felt like he owed me much more. I do believe that you should indeed give your partner some of your time, it is a relationship afterall that is not bound by law or blood, there has to be something there to make it a relationship, and if you truly like them then you should welcome their company, I mean, if you have nothing else going on why the heck not? But there is such thing as too little and too much and he should have been verbal about it from the beginning.

Jeez I hate it when people have an obnoxious puppy love phase (which this guy apparently had big time).

[Hollandia]

Yeah, I stand by what I said. He is not your BF anymore. He was quite clear and concise and seemed to say exactly what he did and did not want and he took no blame for his own issues and put blame on your clingyness. You could offer him yourself on a gold plated platter, he is done loud and clear. He really just wants to be friends. My advice is agree to this but don't contact him anymore till he does and when he does keep it casual.