I feel horrible

[Polly]

I'm as close to wanting to end it as I'll ever be. All day yesterday my SO couldn't give me an answer on whether he would have time to talk. At first it was "maybe", then "I'll text you when I think I'll be leaving for home to call you", then after waiting for the text till real late and not hearing from him, I eventually texted him, that since it was late and if he was still at work we could try for another day. It turned out he was still at work.

Today we confirmed for a call, but then last minute he was invited to a dinner with a former coworker he hasn't seen for a year and he felt bad declining. So it looked like we wouldn't get to talk again.

I am starting to feel like his work is more important, and that I will be second priority when things come up. Sure we can try for another day, but it makes me feel really not appreciated.

I really struggle with being long distance. Often I feel like I am not the type of person who can be in a long distance relationship.

And I feel like work is his life. Even when we do get to talk, he always mentions " I still have work to do, but I'll finish it after I finish talking to you". In a way it shows he's making time for me, but work is always there somewhere lurking.

I've been miserable for a year of this, and don't know how to make it better. I also have an anxiety disorder, so the uncertainty of our situation, of him not knowing when he'll move back, takes a toll on my anxiety.

[Ahava]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.
It sounds like his work is very demanding at the moment.
I bet he is feeling bad at his end too, but that he doesn't know how to deal with the situation in order to keep you and his slave driver/boss happy.
Does he enjoy his job?
Is it going to be as demanding for several years?
Even if you were living together he would probably be working late in the evenings, but what about the weekends, does he have to work weekends too?
Do you get to talk during weekends?

Hang in there and don't give up just yet.

[Redheart14]

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have any letters from him? I finding reading something my SO has given me helps in times like that. Think of a lovely memory you have and maybe it'll help you hang on so you can have another one just like it. Sorry I don't know if that helped but I hope you hold on.

[differentcountries]

He does not sound like he is prioritizing the relationship right now. Which can be fine, if it is for a limited period of time. Work is always 1st (that is what enables you to live your life) but there are ways of talking and prioritizing that should make your relationship a good nr 2. I have struggled with his work sometimes, but I know it is only really bad parts of the year and I am also confident that once he is finished with his part-time studies and military he will find a different type of job. He too knows that this is his 2nd last season and that he is "too old" for the job - he is his best friend are the oldest guys working there now, all their colleages have left for jobs with better pay and better benifits.

I believe even if you are busy, you should be able to set some time aside. Him letting you down for work is not a good sign. Can you have a set date night?

[Unconditional]

I hope this turns around for you soon.
However, I bet he feels miserable on his end too, he knows hes not giving you all the attention you deserve either..
I agree with ahava ^-^

[Hollandia]

Does he not have a cell phone? Am I the only one that does not get that because he goes out to dinner with someone he can't take 15 minutes to talk to you? There are 24 hours in a day. 24. Does he work 24? If he can find the time to eat dinner with someone else, he could have found a few minutes with you. Yes, international calls are expensive but he works tons so he could splurge for a bloody phone call?

He just does not want to do it. If he did, he would be finding the time. Work is one thing but the dinner is another, a dinner should not prevent a phone call. Did he eat till midnight? Tell him to get a cell phone with data plan and put yahoo on it, then he could be talking to you on breaks from work and when out if he wanted to. I used to take my smartphone out with me and have my SO talking with me and my friends on the IM while watching football and baseball games out. He would even come with me when grocery shopping on my chat and help me pick out what to buy. It might not have been a phone call but it was a live conversation.

[Polly]

We did end up talking when he got home, which was almost 1am. He said he felt bad going out and accepting the invitation when he had already made plans with me for a call. He said he didn't want to hurt the other guy's feelings, which I understand.

I think my SO is finding it hard to balance his work life with his personal life, and I don't want to make it harder for him, but then I want to voice my needs too. We are seeing each other for a visit this long weekend, so I didn't want to push it. We talked about it and things are OK now, and a part of it is knowing we'll see each other soon.

[Polly]

I hope this turns around for you soon.
However, I bet he feels miserable on his end too, he knows hes not giving you all the attention you deserve either..
I agree with ahava ^-^

He did tell me he didn't enjoy the dinner because he felt really bad and regretted accepting the invitation. It makes it hard for me to express my disappointment knowing it'll make him feel bad. I did tell him it upset me because I wanted to be honest, so yeah, it made him feel bad. I don't want to be negative, but then I don't want to repress what I feel just so he doesn't feel guilty.

[snow]

I'm the odd one out here, but I think as long as he's not an asshole about it, he is being respectful towards you. Work is important and finding a balance is often not that easy.I don't know what he does for a living, but it sounds like it is something that is constantly on his mind. But he is still making time for you. He makes you aware of it when you skype or voice chat, so you know what is going on in his life and that he is busy, but he needs you too. <~ I find this really respectful, but maybe that is just me.

Don't get me wrong, he should have let you know about the dinner before it happened, but sometimes life gets in your way. If your SO has no phone then even more so.

[Petals]

I'm the odd one out here, but I think as long as he's not an asshole about it, he is being respectful towards you. Work is important and finding a balance is often not that easy.I don't know what he does for a living, but it sounds like it is something that is constantly on his mind. But he is still making time for you. He makes you aware of it when you skype or voice chat, so you know what is going on in his life and that he is busy, but he needs you too. <~ I find this really respectful, but maybe that is just me.

Don't get me wrong, he should have let you know about the dinner before it happened, but sometimes life gets in your way. If your SO has no phone then even more so.

I agree!

He's at a point in his life where work is high priority! When you move to another country for a job (I did that) you are under pressure to perform and YOU want to make a big impression. His decision to take the job overseas in the first instance suggests that he's career focused at this point. It might just seem like just a dinner but casual outings with business associates are where a lot of alliances and business deals are formed.

Polly, while I understand your need for Skype contact, you have to make a bigger effort to accommodate that his job is priority right now if you want to continue the relationship. If he has to choose, he will most likely choose work at this very point in his life. He seems to genuinely make an effort so cut him some slack...

You are seeing him this weekend- focus on that and the bigger picture. ((hugs))

[Polly]

I agree!

He's at a point in his life where work is high priority! When you move to another country for a job (I did that) you are under pressure to perform and YOU want to make a big impression. His decision to take the job overseas in the first instance suggests that he's career focused at this point. It might just seem like just a dinner but casual outings with business associates are where a lot of alliances and business deals are formed.

Polly, while I understand your need for Skype contact, you have to make a bigger effort to accommodate that his job is priority right now if you want to continue the relationship. If he has to choose, he will most likely choose work at this very point in his life. He seems to genuinely make an effort so cut him some slack...

You are seeing him this weekend- focus on that and the bigger picture. ((hugs))

I think this is what makes it so difficult for me: I logically know he needs to commit to work if there are expectations of him, but for me, the contact once a week is not enough, which is why it's this delicate balance. Sometimes I think I'm one of those people who just can't handle long-distance.

I'm not discrediting the effort he does make, and voice my appreciation when it happens, but if it's like this for 3 years, that's what is making it difficult for me. But you're right, if I can't handle it, then it won't work out. So I have to be a stronger person, but there are many times when I feel I can't be strong and feel like giving up.

[Hollandia]

This is not a short term thing. I think it is great he did call her after the dinner and just goes to show you that he could. The reason he chose to is because he felt bad about blowing her off for the dinner. Why can't he call her late at night for a few minutes when he works late? If this is your life for years then it is a bit more than, he just needs to work a lot right now and can't balance his work/personal time. I really hope he starts understanding that LDRs are hard enough, 3 year LDR are quite hard and having your SO never have time to talk to you for 3 years of LDR is way more than most people could handle. I don't think I could. I am happy you get to see him this weekend, enjoy your time together and hopefully he will start to figure out a way to give 5 or 10 minutes out of those 24 hours a day a few times a week.

[Petals]

This is not a short term thing. I think it is great he did call her after the dinner and just goes to show you that he could. The reason he chose to is because he felt bad about blowing her off for the dinner. Why can't he call her late at night for a few minutes when he works late? If this is your life for years then it is a bit more than, he just needs to work a lot right now and can't balance his work/personal time. I really hope he starts understanding that LDRs are hard enough, 3 year LDR are quite hard and having your SO never have time to talk to you for 3 years of LDR is way more than most people could handle. I don't think I could. I am happy you get to see him this weekend, enjoy your time together and hopefully he will start to figure out a way to give 5 or 10 minutes out of those 24 hours a day a few times a week.

I didn't get the impression that the the limited Skype contact has been going on for a their entire LDR. They text and he has made an effort to talk but sometimes when You have had a long day and you are stressed, the last thing you want to do is get on skype for an hour, text is easier. Plus why are words like NEVER being used? Correct me if I am wrong Polly, but while there has been spurts of limited Skype contact, hasn't he made an effort to Skype each week in addition to texting?

Also, I get the impression that 5-10 mins of conversation will be enough for Polly as she wants to spend quality time with him .Nothing is wrong with that, but he just doesn't have the time at the moment. In addition, if he's aware that she is having such a hard time dealing with the distance, he might not be inclined to log on for 5 mins when he knows that won't be enough.

She has a choice: continue to push and agitate over the distance OR relax and make her life as fulfilling as possible over the next year or two. It's ok to miss him and to get down sometimes , but at some point she has to relax and let things flow. It's been a LDR for awhile now from what I understand.

Edit to add : I think the talk of things being like this for 3yrs doesn't help. As far as we know- it's the way it is NOW. His workload might lighten in the future...who knows, but lets not be dramatic.

[Hollandia]

I didn't get the impression that the the limited Skype contact has been going on for a their entire LDR. They text and he has made an effort to talk but sometimes when You have had a long day and you are stressed, the last thing you want to do is get on skype for an hour, text is easier. Plus why are words like NEVER being used? Correct me if I am wrong Polly, but while there has been spurts of limited Skype contact, hasn't he made an effort to Skype each week in addition to texting?

Also, I get the impression than 5-10 mins of conversation will be enough for Polly as she wants to spend quality time with him .Nothing is wrong with that, but he just doesn't have the time at the moment. In addition, if he's aware that she is having such a hard time dealing with the distance, he might not be inclined to log on for 5 mins when he knows that won't be enough.

She has a choice: continue to push and agitate over the distance OR relax and make her life has fulfilling as possible over the next year or two. It's ok to miss him and to get down sometimes , but at some point she has to relax and let things flow. It's been a LDR for awhile now from what I understand.

Edit to add : I think the talk of things being like this for 3yrs doesn't help. As far as we know- it's the way it is NOW. His workload might lighten the future...who knows, but lets not be dramatic.

She just restated that it was in her post. Perhaps she could clarify that, but I have posted with her about this on several other threads and it has been ongoing for some time. We should also ask Polly, if he were to be able to squeeze 10 min a day a few times a week for you, would you be okay with that?

The talk of this 3 years came from Polly so if she wishes to bring it up, then she must wish to discuss it. It is also wrong to say it is not worth it to log on for 5 minutes. My God, what has this world come to, where the one minute to log into Skype is such a bother? Really? I am not being dramatic I am giving her my advice, if you don't agree, don't agree, don't insult me or her.

The word "never" was used again, because Polly has used it in several other posts. This is not the only thread about the subject. In a sense that he never wants to take the time, that she always has to beg for him to do it or in the sense that he never puts her first over his other priorities.

You are right she has a choice to make about whether to accept it or not, I told her that a few threads ago. She has to decide if this is a deal breaker or not and part of that is if she wants to confront him about finding a way to make time for her sometimes. He texts her and tries to call her once a week not so sure if he just tries or if she is begging him into once a week, I think this needs to be clarified by Polly too. It is not too much for her to want more. If he won't give it then she can accept it and move on, talk to him about it, or get over it. It still does not mean it excuses him for blowing her off to go hang out with someone else in his such rare free time instead of the women he loves. If he is working so much and he has so little time for her then his partner should be top of that priority to have that precious time first. He did not, he went and made plans to have dinner with another person. He was more concerned about upsetting this former co-worker than getting to talk to her, again. Then he felt like crap because he knew it was wrong to do.

Busy, is a BS excuse and when you care enough, you find the time. She is looking for a few minutes a day not hours. He could Skype while his clothes are in the wash, or while he is running a bath, or while he his dinner is in the oven. We are all busy, but when it is important we find the time. There is 24 hours in a day, he found the time to call her for a few minutes after his dinner so he obviously can find the time when he wants to. The whole point is that he is not making her a high enough priority. You know who I am too busy for? People that are not my priority. I make the time for the things in life that are, and those that are not, are pushed to the back burner and fit into that schedule.

Polly, I asked you before, does it have to be vid cam, or is a regular phone call okay? Is a chat okay? If you can be more flexible about the type of form of communication perhaps he can be able to give you more time in times of the day when he is not at home.

[Petals]

She just restated that it was in her post. Perhaps she could clarify that, but I have posted with her about this on several other threads and it has been ongoing for some time. We should also ask Polly, if he were to be able to squeeze 10 min a day a few times a week for you, would you be okay with that?

The talk of this 3 years came from Polly so if she wishes to bring it up, then she must wish to discuss it. It is also to say it is not worth it to log on for 5 minutes. My God, what has this world come to, where the one minute to log into Skype is such a bother? Really? I am not being dramatic I am giving her my advice, if you don't agree, don't agree, don't insult me or her.

Iam responding to your post because you quoted my response. My intention is not to be insulting but to state facts- we know right NOW that this is the situation and not that it will be like this for 3yrs. I don't come here to argue, but state my opinion.